How to Make Up with Your Boyfriend After Hurting Him

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: April 11, 2022 References

When you hurt the one you love, figuring out how to make it up to them can be tough. Messing up never feels good, but it’s what you do afterwards that can make all the difference. If you upset your boyfriend and you’re looking for ways to make it right, read through this article to learn how you can apologize and what you can do to make it up to him.

1

Own up to your mistakes.

Try not to make excuses, and let your boyfriend know you were wrong. Don’t be afraid to get specific—the more details you can go into, the more he’ll understand that you’re truly remorseful. Sit down with him somewhere private so you two can talk alone, then say something like:^{[1]
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- “I know that going to the party without you really hurt you. That was a poor judgement call on my part.”
- “Texting my ex was stupid of me, and I wasn’t considering your feelings when I did that.”

2

Give him a genuine apology.

The more sincere you can be, the faster he can forgive you. Again, try not to make excuses for your behavior, but simply tell your boyfriend that you’re sorry and that you want to do better in the future.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.} Get specific so he knows that you’re apologizing for real, and not just trying to brush things under the rug.
- You could say something like, “I’m really sorry that I hurt you. That wasn’t my intention at all.”
- Or, “I want to apologize for how I acted yesterday. You didn’t deserve that, and I’m sorry.”

3

Listen to your boyfriend.

If he’s still feeling hurt, he might have more to say to you. Try to let him talk and really take in what he’s saying, even if you want to interrupt him. It’s easy to feel defensive toward your partner in moments like these, but letting your boyfriend express himself will make him feel much better about the situation.^{[3]
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- When people are deeply hurt, they often want to rehash what happened a few times. This can be tough to hear (and you might feel like he’s just pouring salt in the wound), but what he’s doing is processing his emotions out loud.

4

Validate his feelings.

Let your boyfriend know that whatever he’s feeling is okay. This can be tough to do, especially when he’s feeling hurt, sad, or angry at you. However, telling him that you understand why he’s feeling what he’s feeling will bring you two closer together, and it can help him heal much faster.^{[4]
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Raymond Chiu
House Cleaning Professional
Expert Interview. 15 October 2019.}
- Try to put yourself in his position. Showing him empathy will let him know that you really understand what you did was wrong.^{[5]
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- Say something like, “I totally understand why you’re angry. What I did was wrong, and I’d be mad if I were you.”

5

Ask what you can do to make things right.

Show him that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make amends. If you really aren’t sure how you can make this up to him, you can simply ask. You two can brainstorm together about the best way to move forward, and your boyfriend can also let you know what he needs to feel better about the situation.^{[6]
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- Say something like, “I really want to make this right. Can we brainstorm a few ideas on how I could do that?”
- If your boyfriend doesn’t have an answer right away, be patient with him. He might need to work through his emotions before he can decide what he’d like you to do next.

6

Give him some space if he needs it.

A lot of times, people need to work through their emotions alone. If your boyfriend listens to your apology but can’t quite forgive you yet, he might just need some space. You can ask him if he’d like some alone time or if he’d prefer that you stick around to talk more.^{[7]
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- In general, men need more alone time to process their emotions than women do. It’s not necessarily a bad thing or something you need to worry about, it just means that your boyfriend needs to clear his head.

7

Take steps to repair your relationship.

Hurting someone deeply can cause a rift between you two. If your mistake was a large one, you may need to work on restoring trust or making your boyfriend feel secure. You can do this by making time for your boyfriend and listening to what he needs as he works on forgiving you.^{[8]
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- If you need to build trust again with your boyfriend, you can be brutally honest with him all the time, even about little things. Being 100% honest about your day-to-day life can help repair and restore the trust between you two.
- If your boyfriend feels insecure, try to give him a lot of attention. Make time to take him out on dates and plan fun trips, just the two of you.

8

Work on preventing future mistakes.

In most cases, actions speak louder than words. If you apologize for something and then go do the same thing next week, your boyfriend can tell that you weren't actually genuine. Try to take steps toward preventing the mistake in the future to show your boyfriend that you can change (and to better yourself).^{[9]
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Expert Source

Raymond Chiu
House Cleaning Professional
Expert Interview. 15 October 2019.}
- For instance, if you texted your ex, you could block their number or delete their contact info.^{[10]
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- If you cheated on your boyfriend, you might go to therapy to discover the underlying reason why you felt the need to do that.

9

Give him time to forgive you.

Forgiveness is a process, and it often can’t happen in a day. As you talk with your boyfriend and apologize, try not to demand that he forgive you right then and there. If you give him time, he’s much more likely to work through his emotions in a healthy way, which is better for the both of you.^{[11]
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- If you live with your boyfriend, giving him some space while he works through his emotions is a good idea. Consider staying with a friend or family members for a few days so you can both have some alone time.

10

Accept his decision if he can’t forgive you.

Some things are so big that you just can’t move past them. If your boyfriend is still hurt even after you’ve made steps to repair your relationship, he might not be able to forgive you. If that’s the case, you two can talk about the future of your relationship and whether or not he wants to continue it.^{[12]
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- People often have a hard time forgiving really large grievances, like cheating or lying.
- It can be super hard to accept a decision to end the relationship, especially if you still love your boyfriend. Consider asking him if he’d like to separate for a bit and then reconvene in a few weeks to see how you both feel.

11

Consider talking to a couple’s counselor.

A mental health professional can help you work out your issues. If you and your boyfriend are still having problems, make an appointment with a couple’s counselor to talk about what happened. You can discuss the initial mistake, what you’ve done to fix it, and why your boyfriend is having trouble moving past it.^{[13]
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- Having a third-party, unbiased opinion about your relationship can be super helpful. Sometimes, it’s hard to look at our own problems objectively.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do when you hurt your boyfriend?

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

Elvina Lui, MFT

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Tell him that you are sorry, no matter how small the incident was. This isn't about giving him power over you—it's about showing him that he can count on you for even the little things.
Question

What do you say when your boyfriend is hurt?

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

Elvina Lui, MFT

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Let him know that he can depend on you. Guys tend to have higher expectations about this. This doesn't mean you have to be perfect—it just means apologizing, owning your mistakes, and taking responsibility.