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This article was co-authored by Catherine Boswell, PhD. Dr. Catherine Boswell is a Licensed Psychologist and a Co-Founder of Psynergy Psychological Associates, a private therapy practice based in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups, couples, and families struggling with trauma, relationships, grief, and chronic pain. She holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell has taught courses to Master’s level students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.
There are 17 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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This article has been viewed 228,034 times.
Anger is a natural response to being hurt, but over time, hanging onto anger can affect your body and mind. Fortunately, we're here to help you learn to release your anger and resentment so you can protect your own well-being.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:
Acknowledging Your Anger
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1Understand anger. It's important to learn how to let go of your anger, not just for your psychological health, but also for your physical health. Part of letting go of anger involves forgiveness, and forgiveness can have a deterrent effect, making it less likely for people to hurt you again in the future.[1]
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2Identify the problem.[4] Figure out what, specifically, you feel hurt over. Only in identifying the loss or underlying problem can you begin to confront that issue and let go of it. It's also important to understand whether the other person knows that she has hurt you.[5] This will impact how you begin reconciling.[6]
- For instance, if a spouse cheated on you or left you, you would understandably feel angry. The sense of loss you feel likely stems from the loss of being loved and being appreciated or respected. Furthermore, your spouse likely understands the way that she has hurt you.
- Alternatively, if a friend has an extra ticket to a concert and does not invite you, you may feel a loss of friendship and camaraderie that drives you to sorrow and anger. However, your friend may be unaware that your feelings were hurt.
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3Let yourself grieve. Interpersonal conflict and resolution can be thought of as a grieving process. For example, when someone hurts you, it can feel as though you have lost that person. The stages of grief are helpful for understanding your emotions after you are hurt. They can also help you understand how your anger is a part of the grieving process and therefore, can help you let go of your anger.[7]
- If the hurt has to do with a breakup or other type of indefinite separation, then that loss may seem permanent. If the hurt has to do with being overlooked, forgotten, or otherwise disrespected then it can seem as though you lost that person temporarily by losing their attention or respect.
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4Temporarily avoid the person who hurt you. Anger can get out of control when tension escalates between you and the person who hurt you.[8] Wait to interact until you've processed your grief and moved on to a more accepting stage.
- It's important that the other person move on the grieving process as well, so that anger is not directed at you when you interact. Even if the other person is the one that hurt you, she can still feel a sense of loss and regret.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:
Dealing with Your Anger
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1Scream. There are times when a person feels so angry that he or she feels the desire to scream. If you are facing this sort of anger right now, pause your reading and go scream into a pillow. Screaming offers you a physical release. Studies have shown that crying it out can release toxins that are built up by stress.[9]
- As a word of caution, you should try to make sure that your scream is well-muffled by the sound of your pillow to avoid worrying any neighbors.
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2Metaphorically throw your anger away. If there are a lot of details about a given situation that make you upset, you can find something symbolic to represent these components of your anger before throwing those symbolic elements away. For example,
- You can collect stones alongside a river and throw them into the water after you have assigned a component of your anger to each one.[10]
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3Replace resentment with compassion. Another way to put this would be to “walk in the other person's shoes.” Consider the reasons the offending party may have had for acting in a hurtful way. You might never completely understand another's motivations, nor may you agree with them upon identifying them, but it is easier to let go of anger towards someone after you spend a little time in her head.[11] [12]
- If possible, remind yourself that the other person didn't realize she was hurting you. If she did consciously hurt you, think about what led her to do so.
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4Determine if reconciliation is an option. Understand that forgiveness does not automatically lead to reconciliation. If you suspect that the party responsible for triggering your anger feels remorseful and wants to make amends, reconciliation might work out.[13]
- On the other hand, if the other party is not open to setting things right, or if the nature of the pain is such that you can never trust the other person again, reconciliation might not seem like an option.
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5Forgive. Recognize that you alone can forgive. Completely letting go of anger means forgiving the person who has hurt you. However, forgiveness is not for everyone at all times.[14] Forced or feigned forgiveness is of little benefit to anyone, least of all yourself. It's important to thoroughly process your hurt, control your anger, and decide if/when forgiveness is right for you.
- Understand that forgiving someone may not prompt the other person to change her behavior. The purpose of forgiveness, in this sense, is to cleanse yourself of the anger and resentment building inside you. Forgiveness is for your own benefit and is an internal necessity, not an external one.
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6Take responsibility for your own actions. There can be a lot of blame during the anger stage.[15] It's important to reflect on your own role in the situation and accept responsibility for whatever role you played. This doesn't mean that you can't acknowledge the poor treatment given to you by the other party. It simply means that if you did wrong, you should be honest about it, especially if you ever plan to reconcile.
- Accepting responsibility can start with eliminating negative emotions. One way to do this is to make a list of the 3 to 5 strongest negative emotions you feel, and think about how to substitute the negative emotion for a good one.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:
Processing Your Emotions
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1Look for the positive. Examine any ways that your pain has helped you to grow as an individual. Look for benefits or unexpected positives and cling to them to help you cope. If you can't look at the good brought about from a hurtful situation, then look at other positives in your life and other things you can be thankful for.[16]
- Consider if your pain has put you onto a new path leading to good things that you may not have experienced had you missed that path completely.
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2Leave a positive influence on the world. You can let your anger spill out and affect those around you, but then you would only be spreading it and making those negative feelings stronger. By consciously deciding to spread a positive influence to others, you can transform the way you handle social interactions in a way that leads to less anger.[17]
- Surround yourself with positive people. Simply put, by exposing yourself to the optimism and positive thoughts expressed by other people, you introduce positive thinking back into your own life. As time progresses, you may even start to develop positive thoughts of your own to replace your anger.
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3Write a letter or a journal. If you keep a diary or journal, write about your anger as often as necessary to help you release it. If you do not have a journal, you can write an angry letter to the person who triggered your anger to get the feelings off your chest. Do not actually send the letter, though.[18]
- Sending the letter is almost always a bad idea. It can easily be viewed as retaliation or be poorly received, which could escalate problems.[19] Even if you phrase it as politely as possible, the other party is likely to take it poorly, especially if she is suffering from low self-esteem or other personal pain.
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4Exercise or take up a hobby. Exercise provides you with a positive physical release for your anger. Choose a form of exercise that you enjoy. Take a walk in a scenic park, go for a refreshing swim, or shoot some hoops. The key is to take the energy you feel that could be channeled into anger and channel it into something more positive for yourself.[20]
- If you are not a big fan of exercise, you can start small by taking more walks, channeling your energy into picking up a new hobby, or doing something nice for your friends or family.
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5Turn to your faith or meditate. If you believe in God, pray for the strength and willingness to let go of your anger. When letting go of anger seems out of your ability to handle, petitioning for divine help can help soften your heart enough to let you release that anger for good. Whether you believe in any particular faith or not, meditation is a good way to stabilize your body, mind, and soul. There are many types of meditation you can try, so choose which is best for you and your needs.
- Consult with a religious leader at your center of worship or others who share your faith for support and guidance. Read from your faith's scriptural texts, or read spiritual books written on the matter of anger and forgiveness.
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6Avoid social functions as necessary. If someone who makes you angry will be at a social engagement and you want to avoid the temptation of getting into an argument or stirring up old feelings of resentment, there is nothing wrong with skipping that social event, even if others do not entirely understand why.
- At the same time, you should also avoid letting the person who makes you angry ruin your life. If the two of you share most of your friends, go out of your way to schedule time with your friends away from the offender's company.
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References
- ↑ Wallace H, Exline J, Baumeister R (2008) Interpersonal consequences of forgiveness: does forgiveness deter or encourage repeat offenses?" Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. 44, 453-460 or https://digitalcommons.trinity.edu/psych_faculty/105/
- ↑ Sanchez-Gonzalez, Marcos A., et al. "Impact of negative affectivity and trait forgiveness on aortic blood pressure and coronary circulation." Psychophysiology 52.2 (2015): 296+. Academic OneFile. Web. 29 Jan. 2015. https://go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA398478725&v=2.1&u=nat&it=r&p=AONE&sw=w&asid=247159d41436f5ecec1292f2f472fe97
- ↑ https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/how-do-thoughts-and-emotions-affect-health
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm
- ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
- ↑ Newman, Leonard S., and Lindsay R. Kraynak. "The ambiguity of a transgression and the type of apology influence immediate reactions." Social Behavior and Personality: an international journal 41.1 (2013): 31+. Academic OneFile. Web. 30 Jan. 2015. https://go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?id=GALE%7CA333742333&v=2.1&u=nat&it=r&p=AONE&sw=w&asid=541f37c08e4913d2aed211f060cd9414
- ↑ Stimec, Arnaud and Poitras, Jean, Ripeness, Readiness and Grief in Conflict Analysis. IACM 23rd Annual Conference Paper. Available at SSRN: http://ssrn.com/abstract=1615043 or https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1615043
- ↑ Stimec, Arnaud and Poitras, Jean, Ripeness, Readiness and Grief in Conflict Analysis. IACM 23rd Annual Conference Paper. Available at SSRN: http://ssrn.com/abstract=1615043 or https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1615043
- ↑ https://mhanational.org/10-healthy-ways-release-rage
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/quick-stress-relief.htm
- ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/letting_go_of_anger_through_compassion
- ↑ https://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Emotional+Health/Guilt_+Regret_+Forgiveness_+Reconciliation.aspx
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-addiction-connection/201409/the-psychology-forgiveness
- ↑ Stimec, Arnaud and Poitras, Jean, Ripeness, Readiness and Grief in Conflict Analysis. IACM 23rd Annual Conference Paper. Available at SSRN: https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1615043 or https://econpapers.repec.org/article/sprgrdene/v_3a20_3ay_3a2011_3ai_3a4_3ad_3a10.1007_5fs10726-009-9178-6.htm
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/positive-mindset/
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/optimism.html
- ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/write-yourself-well/201403/transactional-writing-letters-heal
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/exercising-to-relax
About This Article
Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Catherine Boswell, PhD. Dr. Catherine Boswell is a Licensed Psychologist and a Co-Founder of Psynergy Psychological Associates, a private therapy practice based in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups, couples, and families struggling with trauma, relationships, grief, and chronic pain. She holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell has taught courses to Master’s level students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach. This article has been viewed 228,034 times.
Co-authors: 19
Updated: February 24, 2023
Views: 228,034
Categories: Featured Articles | Anger | Letting Go
Article SummaryX
To let go of your anger, you may need to spend time understanding your emotions and reflecting on why exactly you feel this way. Once you have figured that out, spend some time processing your emotions before you try to resolve anything. Some good strategies include writing in a journal, going for a walk, or even screaming into a pillow. After your anger has subsided, try to see the situation from another point of view. Determine whether you were partially at fault and whether forgiveness or avoidance is the best course of action. If you want to learn more from our Counselor co-author, like how to find positive influences around you, keep reading the article!
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