How to Know if You're Dating a Psychopath

Due to all the "psychopathic" characters in TV and movies, many people have misconceptions about what psychopathy is. Actual psychopathy is a type of antisocial personality disorder, and a psychopath is generally defined as someone who cannot connect emotionally with others.[1] To counteract this, many psychopaths form shallow (and often manipulative) relationships instead. Do you want to know if you’re dating a psychopath? Observe their behavior and look for the following signs.

1

They’re extremely charismatic.

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    Psychopaths idealize their partners, drawing them in with flattery. On the surface, they’re personable and full of charm. They will be quick to compliment you on everything from your looks to your sense of humor, and they will try to make you believe that you’re soulmates by reflecting your identity. If you have a strange number of things in common, your significant other may be mirroring you.[2]
    • Mirroring can take different forms. Your partner may pretend to have the same likes, dislikes, and hobbies as you, or they may pretend to have similar life experiences.
    • Psychopaths use their charisma to get you hooked on the relationship and then turn cold in the middle of it.
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2

They confide in you right away.

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    They prey on your emotions with forced intimacy and sob stories. They will overshare too soon—likely on the first date. Your date may try to make you feel attached by sharing stories that inspire pity or sympathy while also making themselves sound impressive and desirable. At the same time, you might reflect and realize they didn’t ask you anything significant about yourself at all.[3]
    • Look out for sob stories that paint your date as the victim, like an ex who is “obsessed” with them or a difficult family situation.
    • Pay attention to the pacing of your relationship. Trust isn't supposed to develop overnight but psychopaths will try to make you trust them immediately by revealing sensitive information sooner than you'd expect.
3

They fast-track your relationship.

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    A psychopath will bring up serious commitment in the first couple of dates. Look out for someone who talks about true love, being together forever, or moving in together prematurely. A person with psychopathic tendencies will use an emotional connection against you by moving fast in the relationship, overpowering you with romantic gestures to make you feel indebted to them.[4]
    • Intense flattery and mirroring can make it easy to succumb to a psychopath's fast-paced relationship goals, but love and long-term commitment aren’t things that happen overnight.
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4

They’ve been in many short relationships.

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    Psychopaths are impulsive and move between relationships quickly. Talk to your significant other and get a sense of their romantic history. Someone with psychopathic tendencies will probably have a lot of exes, yet every failed relationship is somehow the fault of the ex. Leaving a relationship is easy because the emotional bond was never there at all.[5]
    • If someone has psychopathic tendencies, they will typically always be the one to initiate the breakups in their short, whirlwind romances.
    • Pay attention to how they talk about their exes. Not every relationship leaves a lasting impression on people, but a psychopath will have little to no emotional reaction when talking about exes.
5

They can’t empathize with you.

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    Psychopaths are unable to make emotional connections. Thus, a psychopathic partner cannot imagine themselves in your shoes or feel your emotions as their own. You may notice they have a flat affectation around things that would usually evoke joy or sadness; this is because they have no emotional response to it.[6]
    • They might seem unfazed by the death of a pet or family member.
    • They may come off as insensitive and uncaring when you vent about your feelings.
    • Any comfort you get from them may feel awkward and hollow.
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6

They create drama between other people.

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    Psychopaths are easily bored and use others as entertainment. They might begin to provoke arguments or misunderstandings between people just to watch the drama unfold. They’ll also deny any involvement, making themselves seem like an innocent bystander or even a victim if confronted about their behavior. For example:[7]
    • A psychopath might start posting about their ex on social media or texting them to provoke your jealousy and then act like you’re hysterical for getting upset about it.
    • They might convince two friends that each one has been talking about the other behind their backs, causing a big confrontation for the psychopath’s entertainment.
7

They tend to be arrogant.

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    Psychopaths have big egos and think they're superior to everyone else. Your significant other might be a psychopath if they often brag about their intelligence or boast about their accomplishments but refuse to take responsibility for their mistakes.[8] Other signs of extreme arrogance include:
    • Interrupting you all the time, as though what they have to say is more important.
    • Going out of their way to prove that they’re right. Psychopaths never want to admit when they’re wrong.
    • Believing that they’re better than other people. You might hear them make derogatory remarks or talk about how they’re more talented than someone else.
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8

They manipulate you with guilt-trips.

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    Self-serving psychopaths often exploit those closest to them. Observe how your significant other behaves: psychopaths tend to be cunning and use guilt-tripping to get their way at all times. They’ll make you feel like you’re the problem and use your guilt to make you more obedient. Because psychopaths are unable to empathize, they have no problem manipulating and ultimately harming other people for their benefit.[9]
    • Look for large generalizations when they guilt-trip you, saying things like, “We never do what I want to do.” It’s harder to debate broad accusations than specific instances.
9

They gaslight you.

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    A psychopath can mess with your perception of reality. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which your significant other denies that something ever happened, making you doubt your own mind and memory. Psychopaths will use gaslighting to get what they want from you, twisting your sense of reality until you don’t know who you are anymore.[10] [11] For example:
    • Your partner may do something abusive and then say “That never happened!” or “You have a horrible memory.”[12]
    • They might call your mental state into question, saying “You’re too sensitive,” or “You’re crazy.”
    • They may deflect the blame for their wrongdoing back onto you. “You should have known this would happen,” or “Well, I wouldn’t have done this if you had listened to me in the first place.”
    • You might share a valid concern with them only to be called "unreasonable" and "irrational."[13]
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10

They don’t have many friends.

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    Psychopaths don’t get along with others the way typical people do. Because psychopaths are self-serving, keeping friends isn’t easy for them to do. It’s more likely that a psychopath would want to be in charge of other people rather than friends with them. You may notice that your partner only hangs out with your friends and doesn’t introduce or mention many of their own to you.[14]
    • If your love interest appears to go through friends quickly and has no concrete reason for why their friendships fail, it may be an indication of antisocial personality tendencies.
    • Alternatively, they may give you reasons but always blame the other person for a failed friendship.
11

They’re a pathological liar.

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    People with psychopathy change stories and keep lying when caught. Analyze your partner’s behavior and see if there is a history of falsehoods. Because they lie effortlessly as part of their manipulative tendencies, you’ll probably notice inconsistencies in their stories after a while. Examine their mannerisms; a psychopath who lies repeatedly will be calm, collected, and persuasive.[15] For example:
    • They might lie or omit small details to make you believe their narrative.
    • Their stories might seem elaborate because they’re covering up a bigger lie.
    • Even when telling the truth would be harmless, some psychopaths instinctively lie instead—and have no shame about it when called out.
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12

They get irritable or angry easily.

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    Psychopaths are known for having aggressive tendencies. You may notice that your significant other gets suddenly furious at you when they don’t get their way. Afterward, they cool off and collect themselves just as abruptly. Think about the negative emotions you see your date display; if anger and frustration are common but sadness and fear are nonexistent, you may be dealing with a psychopath.[16]
    • Many high-functioning psychopaths are not physically violent (although it does happen). Their aggressive nature instead manifests as a volatile temper in social situations.
13

Their apologies feel insincere.

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    Due to a lack of remorse, a psychopath’s apology will sound empty. You might call your partner out for any of the behaviors above, but if they’re a psychopath, their apology won’t bring much satisfaction. Pay attention to their words and delivery; a psychopath’s apology will be shallow and often minimize both your pain and their part in causing it.[17]
    • Look for vague phrases that don’t acknowledge why you’re upset. A psychopath might try to say, “I made a mistake, okay?” and move on, rather than saying, “I’m sorry. I know I hurt you, and I’m going to do better.”
    • A psychopath might not understand why you’re upset at all. They may say things like “You’re being too sensitive about this,” or “Will you get over it already?”
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References

  1. ↑ https://www.britannica.com/story/whats-the-difference-between-a-psychopath-and-a-sociopath-and-how-do-both-differ-from-narcissists
  2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brainstorm/201712/5-things-psychopaths-and-narcissists-will-do-in-conversation
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/199401/charming-psychopath
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neurosagacity/201506/6-obstacles-relationship-psychopath
  6. ↑ https://www.britannica.com/story/whats-the-difference-between-a-psychopath-and-a-sociopath-and-how-do-both-differ-from-narcissists
  7. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorders/types-of-personality-disorder/#AntisocialPersonalityDisorder
  8. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928
  9. ↑ http://changingminds.org/explanations/personality/disorders/psychopath.htm
  1. ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/
  2. ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
  3. ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
  4. ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-social-thinker/201801/3-key-traits-may-be-red-flags-psychopathy
  6. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928
  7. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neurosagacity/201506/6-obstacles-relationship-psychopath

About This Article

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Co-authored by:
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and by wikiHow staff writer, Glenn Carreau. Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California. This article has been viewed 22,668 times.
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Co-authors: 3
Updated: April 11, 2022
Views: 22,668
Categories: Dating
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