11 Ways Men Deal with Grief

You may wonder how a grieving man can appear so stoic and stable—when internally, you know he must be struggling with his loss. To offer a man empathy and support, understanding his experience will be key. We've included an exhaustive guide covering the psychology behind the male grieving process. That way, you can stop feeling so confused by his grieving process and instead, start supporting and connecting with him again.

Section 1 of 3:

Do men and women grieve differently?

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    Whether you're a man or a woman—there is no “normal” way to grieve. Timelines, symptoms, and experiences differ. So even while we explore gender-based grieving trends, it's important to avoid making assumptions about those in your life struggling with loss. For the best chance at understanding someone's grief, use generalizations as a jumping off point, not a certainty.[1]
    • Many people go through the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This is not always a linear journey, and people may jump around between the stages during their grieving process.
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    Typically, men are instrumental grievers, and women, intuitive grievers. On the spectrum of grieving experiences, people lean towards either expression and emotion (intuitive), or action and thought (instrumental).[2]
    • Instrumental grievers often intellectualize emotions, express grief physically, and cope by taking action.
    • Intuitive grievers often experience strong emotional reactions, express feelings readily, and to cope, they explore those feelings.
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    Differing expressions of grief could drive a wedge between partners. Oftentimes, women feel confused by their male partners’ apparent lack of emotion. On the other hand, men may feel increasingly isolated and alone in their own grieving experience over time.[3]
    • In reality, both individuals are suffering similar, immense pain.
    • But because their counterpart expresses grief differently than they do, each partner may assume that their inner experience is different, too.
    • This misunderstanding may cause distrust and disconnection over time.
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Section 2 of 3:

Symptoms of Grief in Men

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    Grieving men may appear stoic and emotionally inexpressive. Internally, the man in your life may face intense heartbreak and anguish, but he’s less likely to express those emotions outwardly.[4]
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    Men struggling with grief may seek isolation instead of connection. A man struggling with loss may distance himself from friends and family members, opting for time alone instead. Though he may not realize it, maintaining relationships is crucial to his eventual healing and happiness.[5]
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    If he's grieving, he may dive into new things to distract from his feelings. This could be a home-improvement project, a whirlwind romance, or an obsession with work. To an extent, this can be a helpful way to cope and can offer short-term satisfaction, especially for instrumental grievers. But busyness can also cause men to neglect healthy emotional processing and life balance.[6]
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    Men facing loss may seek to "fix" their grief through action. Instead of emotional vulnerability, he may zero in on a problem he can attempt to solve and control. If he's lost someone to sickness, he may focus on raising money for a cure, for example. Or, he may fixate on the logistics of an upcoming funeral.[7]
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    Men may use sex, substances, and sleep deprivation to avoid facing grief. In an effort to distance himself from his feelings, he may resort to dangerous behaviors that, under normal circumstances, he wouldn't consider. In doing this, his goal is to distance himself from his pain.[8]
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Section 3 of 3:

How to Support a Grieving Man

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    Let him know that he can talk to you. Men who are suffering through the weight of grief alone may feel that their emotions are a burden to others. To help him cope, explain that you're a safe person to speak to, you won't judge, and at the end of the day, you're there for him.[9]
    • Tell him that you won’t pressure him to talk about his emotions: “You don’t have to discuss anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. This conversation can go however you want it to.”
    • Insist that he doesn’t need to be strong: “I hope you know that I would never judge you for how you feel. You don’t have to be strong around me.”
    • To ease into an emotional conversation, ask about his thought process: “What have you been thinking about since it happened?"
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    Assume that his outward expression doesn't reflect his inner experience. For men to feel supported in their grief, they need to be understood, too. If you're suffering through grief alongside an inexpressive man, you may not understand how he could feel so much but show so little. This misunderstanding could cause frustration and eventually even accusations. As often as you're able, resist these thoughts. Instead, trust that he's grieving too.[10]
    • Even if he appears fine, offer him the same comfort you would if he were openly grieving. Give him a hug or a pat on the shoulder.
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    Encourage him to spend time with his close connections. Invite him to join you in activities you know he loves. Even if he's less responsive than usual, keep reaching out like you would normally. Without an invite, show up at his house just for a quick hello. Isolation is the enemy, so do whatever you can to keep him in great company.[11]
    • “Hey, how is Will doing? Have you spoken to him recently? You should check-in and invite him over for dinner. I’ll make lasagna, your favorite!”
    • Ask him, “What can I do for you?” instead of, “Is there anything I can do for you?” Direct, supportive questions will make him more likely to use you for help.[12]
    • “I was actually just going to pick up ice cream at that spot on 5th. Isn’t that your favorite? Want to join me?”
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    If he's staying busy, join in on his activities with him. He may have thrown himself into a project or decided to "fix" a problem related to his source of grief. If you can, keep him company while he takes on his packed schedule. If he's determined to stay occupied, you can still make sure he's receiving support and connection while he does.[13]
    • Ask to do a project around the house with him.
    • Help him plan the funeral.
    • Suggest an activity that will allow him to keep busy and hold a conversation. Invite him on a walk or a fishing trip, for example.[14]
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    Encourage him to get professional help. Grief, especially in isolation, can take a huge toll on a person's mental well-being. Therapy can help him understand his own grieving process, limit his feelings of guilt, and learn to cope with loss in healthy ways.[15] [16]
    • Helplines offer comfort, strength, and professional advice for people struggling. If you believe he might need immediate help, call here.
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How do you help a man who is grieving?
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Developmental Psychologist
    Dr. Leslie Bosch is a Developmental Psychologist, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and Owner of Bosch Integrative Wellness. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in providing stress relief coaching services to individuals and groups using a variety of scientifically proven methods for change including motivational interviewing, positive psychology, self-compassion, non-violent communication, social learning theory, and self-determination theory. Dr. Bosch received training from the Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona and earned a PhD in Human Development and Family Studies from The University of Arizona. She is also a member of the National Board of Health and Wellness Coaching Association. Dr. Bosch has published many papers and been featured in the media numerous times.
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Developmental Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    In our culture, there's the expectation, especially for guys, that they look courageous, strong and powerful. Due to that, they might not even know how to engage when feeling powerless or when asked about their feelings. One way you can help is by showing that you're sad, angry or even confused. Share your feelings and let the guy know that it's okay to feel and to share.
  • Question
    Should you leave a grieving person alone?
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Developmental Psychologist
    Dr. Leslie Bosch is a Developmental Psychologist, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and Owner of Bosch Integrative Wellness. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in providing stress relief coaching services to individuals and groups using a variety of scientifically proven methods for change including motivational interviewing, positive psychology, self-compassion, non-violent communication, social learning theory, and self-determination theory. Dr. Bosch received training from the Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona and earned a PhD in Human Development and Family Studies from The University of Arizona. She is also a member of the National Board of Health and Wellness Coaching Association. Dr. Bosch has published many papers and been featured in the media numerous times.
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Developmental Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    That depends, honestly. Being with close friends and family can usually help, but if the way this person grieves is very different from the others, this can end up being a source of conflict and it's probably better to leave them alone. If you're both approaching the grief in the same way, though, having people around you can be more comforting than being alone.
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References

  1. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/families/grief
  2. ↑ https://www.taps.org/globalassets/pdf/institute/why_arent_you_crying_slides
  3. ↑ https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5e714bc25ba6382f8f5e3c5f/t/608866545da3594b53e21c18/1619551828379/Instrumental+vs+Intuitive+Grievers.docx.pdf
  4. ↑ https://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fhelping11.html&site_id=2
  5. ↑ https://together.stjude.org/en-us/for-families/bereavement/gender-differences-in-grieving.html
  6. ↑ https://together.stjude.org/en-us/for-families/bereavement/gender-differences-in-grieving.html
  7. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contenttypeid=1&contentid=1746
  8. ↑ https://www.pewtrusts.org/en/research-and-analysis/articles/2019/06/03/men-more-likely-than-women-to-face-substance-use-disorders-and-mental-illness
  9. ↑ https://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fhelping11.html&site_id=2
  1. ↑ https://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fhelping11.html&site_id=2
  2. ↑ https://together.stjude.org/en-us/for-families/bereavement/gender-differences-in-grieving.html
  3. ↑ https://grieflink.org.au/factsheets/grief-reactions-in-men/
  4. ↑ https://together.stjude.org/en-us/for-families/bereavement/gender-differences-in-grieving.html
  5. ↑ https://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fhelping11.html&site_id=2
  6. ↑ https://online.maryville.edu/blog/grief-counseling/
  7. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/can-grief-morph-into-depression-201203214511

About This Article

Leslie Bosch, PhD
Co-authored by:
Leslie Bosch, PhD
Developmental Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Leslie Bosch, PhD and by wikiHow staff writer, Caroline Heiderscheit. Dr. Leslie Bosch is a Developmental Psychologist, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and Owner of Bosch Integrative Wellness. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in providing stress relief coaching services to individuals and groups using a variety of scientifically proven methods for change including motivational interviewing, positive psychology, self-compassion, non-violent communication, social learning theory, and self-determination theory. Dr. Bosch received training from the Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona and earned a PhD in Human Development and Family Studies from The University of Arizona. She is also a member of the National Board of Health and Wellness Coaching Association. Dr. Bosch has published many papers and been featured in the media numerous times. This article has been viewed 2,077 times.
3 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 5
Updated: July 15, 2022
Views: 2,077
Categories: Health
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