How to Help Your Child When a Friend Dies

Last Updated: April 21, 2022

The death of a child is so hard to understand. For kids, the passing of a friend is very likely their first experience with death and is confusing and traumatic. Your child will need time and special help to digest things. Hard as it may be, you can assist by honestly talking about death, guiding them through mourning, and watching out for signals that the child needs extra support.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Explaining the Death

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Have an honest discussion with the child. Death can be a confusing and traumatic event for children. It’s important to forge a supportive and open atmosphere so that they can begin to cope and to ask any questions that they may have. If one of your child’s friends has died, make yourself emotionally available.^{[1]
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- How you discuss death will depend a lot on your child’s age. Children have different developmental stages in understanding death – a toddler needs a different approach than an elementary schooler, who needs a different approach than a teen.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Vernita Marsh, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker
  Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.}
- In general, don’t be afraid to talk about the event. Kids won’t benefit from “not thinking about it” or “putting it out of mind.” Not talking openly about the death can lead to confusion and anger in the long run.^{[3]
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- Talk to your child in the days immediately after the death. Don’t be surprised if your child is very quiet at first, but leave the door open, i.e. “You can come to talk with me any time, if you want to.”
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Use concrete images when talking about death. Small children have a very literal way of seeing the world and won’t benefit from metaphors or abstract ideas about death. Instead, use very concrete explanations and images. This will help the child understand what has occurred.^{[4]
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- Keep it simple and limit your explanation about what happened, i.e. “Dear, your friend Kevin died in a car accident” or “Julia died last night at the hospital from cancer.” Adding extra information about the car crash or details about the disease can confuse a child.
- Favor the word “dead.” You may need to explain to a small child what this means, again in concrete terms, i.e. “Death means that her body has stopped working.”
- You will have to tailor what you say for your child’s age, obviously. You might have to explain to a small child that “Death means she’s gone and not coming back.” Older kids and teens will have a better understanding of death as a concept.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Vernita Marsh, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker
  Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.}
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Avoid euphemisms. Part of being open and straightforward in explaining the death of a child’s friend is to avoid euphemisms – that is, roundabout or sugar-coated ways of talking. Euphemisms will be lost on small children because they think so literally. For older kids and teens, such language may not be emotionally helpful.
- Avoid phrases like, “passed away,” “gone to sleep,” “gone to God,” or “taken to a better place.” The same holds for saying that you have “lost” someone.
- Because children think literally, these phrases can be very confusing. They may not realize that the friend is permanently gone or may start to fear going to sleep or becoming “lost” themselves.
- Feel free to include religious beliefs in the conversation, whatever they may be. However, avoid saying that God “took someone away.” A child might become afraid that God will take them away, too.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Mourning the Loss

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Be ready to answer questions. Your child may have lots of questions about the death of a friend. It is important for you to answer these openly and honestly, again using concrete explanations. Keep it simple. It is also fine to admit when you don’t know something.
- Children might wonder if death is like going to sleep. Explain that during sleep the body still works, while with death it doesn’t. Be clear about the differences so that your child doesn’t start to fear sleeping.
- Kids may also ask about pain, i.e. “Does it hurt to die?” You might say that doctors and nurses can use medicine to take away the pain and make it hurt as little as possible.
- Be honest if your child asks more generally about death and whether he or she will die. Explain that everyone dies at some point, but that most people live for a long-time – and that someone will be there to look after your child if you yourself die.
- Questions of meaning are harder. It’s OK to admit that you don’t know why your child’s friend had to die or say that you are upset and confused, too.^{[6]
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Decide whether or not to attend the funeral. Should you take your child to the funeral of a friend? The answer to this question is very personal. Your child should be able to join in any mourning ritual – but only if he or she wants to. Don’t pressure the child to do so.^{[7]
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- First, explain what your child will see at the funeral or memorial service, i.e. the friend’s body may be in a casket and there will be many others there, too.
- Explain what will take place, as well. For example, other people will probably speak about the friend who’s died and other mourners may be crying. If you are religious, you can also share your faith’s spiritual beliefs about death and what these mourning rituals mean.
- Make sure to respect your child’s wants at the funeral, too. Don’t force your child to stay if he or she wants to leave.
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Model healthy grieving. Children learn how to cope with emotions and to grieve by watching what adults do. They are very aware of how you react to death and loss. That said, try to model healthy grieving. Sitting quietly, crying, and displays of emotion show children that these behaviors are natural and OK.
- It is OK for your child to see you cry. This can make the child more comfortable with showing his or her own emotions.
- Your child should also know that it’s OK to feel strong emotions when a friend has died, like anger, sadness, and fear.^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Vernita Marsh, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker
  Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.}
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Encourage your child to express emotions. Continue to model grief by encouraging your child to express how they feel in healthy ways.^{[9]
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Vernita Marsh, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker
Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.} Allow adequate time and don’t press the child into resuming “normal” activities before they’ve had a chance to process and deal with the death.^{[10]
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www.nasponline.org/assets/documents/.../Handouts/.../GriefWar.pdf}
- For example, you could give your child the chance to say a final goodbye by writing a letter for the graveside or casket or by releasing a balloon. You can also encourage your child to draw pictures or write poems or stories about the friend and how they feel.
- Put limits on grieving behavior, though. It’s normal for kids to react to death with some regressive behavior, but limit acting out and displays of physical aggression.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Getting Additional Help

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Read books about loss and death with your child. One way that you can continue to help your child cope with the death of a friend is to read together. Find an age-appropriate book. Use the opportunity to read to your child, learn more about loss, and grow together.
- Ask for books about death and loss for children at your local bookstores or libraries. A librarian may be able to make recommendations. You can probably find them in sections on psychology.
- Books like When Someone Very Special Dies, I Know I Made it Happen: A Gentle Book About Grief, or The Next Place may be appropriate.
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Watch for radical changes in behavior or grades. It’s perfectly normal and expected for your child’s behavior to change after the death of a friend. Kids may seem detached. They may show regressive or immature behavior or even become angry and lash out. Within limits, this is normal. But watch for any signs that your child may need extra help in coping.^{[11]
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- For example, act if your normally outgoing and loving child becomes angry, withdrawn, morose, or overly anxious. A counselor or school therapist can help deal with these emotions.
- Pay attention to your child’s performance in school, as well. A small drop, like an A to a B is normal, but a more noticeable drop in his or her grades, like suddenly going from getting Top Grades in every class to failing every test could mean that the child is struggling and needs extra support.
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Contact a school guidance counselor or social worker. Reach out to people around your child who can offer help, like teachers, school guidance counselors, or social workers. Talk with the staff at the school to explain that your child is struggling with mourning. It may take some time, even with help, for your child to come around again.^{[12]
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- Think about mentioning the situation to your child’s teacher, even if just in passing. That way, he will understand if your child acts out of character in the classroom.
- You might also set up a meeting between your child and the guidance counselor. This can be private – just the counselor and your child – or you can ask to participate.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you tell a child about a friend's death?

Vernita Marsh, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker
Dr. Vernita Marsh is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the CEO and Founder of Dr. Vernita Marsh & Associates and The Marsh Clinics®. With over 30 years of clinical psychology experience, she specializes in relationship therapy, grief counseling, family therapy, and intimate partner abuse counseling. Dr. Marsh offers consultation for therapists, coaches, and trainees of mental health. Dr. Marsh earned her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Michigan State University and completed both her postdoctoral and fellowship training at Harvard Medical School. She also has expertise in the area of Telehealth and has received Clinical Telehealth Health Provider Certification from Evergreen.

Vernita Marsh, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker

Expert Answer

Try to explain it in simple terms that they can understand. You might start off saying something like "Remember when you had that teddy bear that you lost at the park? It was really hard because you loved that teddy bear and really missed it." Then, you could compare the deceased friend to the teddy bear, and explain how, like the teddy bear, they won't be able to see that person anymore.
Question

How do I prepare my child for the death of someone close?

Vernita Marsh, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker
Dr. Vernita Marsh is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the CEO and Founder of Dr. Vernita Marsh & Associates and The Marsh Clinics®. With over 30 years of clinical psychology experience, she specializes in relationship therapy, grief counseling, family therapy, and intimate partner abuse counseling. Dr. Marsh offers consultation for therapists, coaches, and trainees of mental health. Dr. Marsh earned her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Michigan State University and completed both her postdoctoral and fellowship training at Harvard Medical School. She also has expertise in the area of Telehealth and has received Clinical Telehealth Health Provider Certification from Evergreen.

Vernita Marsh, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker

Expert Answer

Look for ways that the child can spend time with the dying individual, whether that's visiting them in the hospital or just having conversations with them. Then, you might check in with the child and see how they might feel without that person being around.