How to Have a Better Relationship With a Younger Brother

Co-authored by Diane Martinez

Last Updated: October 13, 2022 References Approved

It can be a lot of fun to have a younger brother, but you might not always get along. However, if you are committed to improving your relationship, then there are lots of things you can do. Start by improving your communication with him and increasing the amount of quality time you spend together so that you will have lots of happy memories to share as you both grow older. You can also work on dealing with conflict in a healthy, productive way. With time and effort, your relationship with your brother will get better and better!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Communicating with Your Brother

1
Listen to your brother when he talks to you. Being a good listener is one of the main ways that you can communicate effectively with your brother. Wait to talk until your brother has finished speaking. If you don't understand something he says, ask him to clarify. Some other ways to be a good listener include:
- Maintaining eye contact with your brother.
- Nodding and making neutral statements, such as “Yes,” “I see,” and “Go on.”
- Avoiding distractions, such as by not looking at your phone, watching TV, or playing video games while he's talking.
2
Make it a point to say “hi” or ask how he's doing. If your brother has a cell phone, then you might also send him text messages now and then to keep in touch. This is a great way to let him know you're thinking about him even if you don't have time for a long, drawn-out conversation.^{[1]
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- For example, you might text your brother something like, “Hey, Joey! How was your day?”
- Or, you might say, “Omg, did you see the new superheroes movie yet?”
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3
Tell your brother that you care about him even if you think he knows. Sometimes part of the problem in sibling relationships is that one sibling does not tell the other that they care enough, and this can cause the other sibling to feel unloved. Even if you are certain that your brother knows you love him and would do anything for him, make sure to tell him that now and then.^{[2]
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- For example, you might simply tell your younger brother, “I love you,” before you say goodbye to him.
- Or, you might say something like, “I'm so proud of you, little bro!” for an everyday declaration of affection.
4
Express yourself to your brother in a non-judgmental way. If you encounter a situation with your sibling where you need to assert yourself, do so in a way that does not cast blame on your brother. Use an “I” statement to express yourself and avoid labeling or making assumptions about your brother in the process.
- For example, you might say something like, “I feel sad when I tell you about my day and you don't listen.”
- Or, you might say, “It is frustrating when I clean the bathroom and it's messy again a few hours later. In the future, let's try to work together to keep it clean.”
Tip: A good rule of thumb is that you should speak to your brother the way you would speak to a friend. Consider how you might express yourself to a friend before you speak.
5
Share your hopes and dreams with your brother. Openly communicating can help you develop a stronger relationship with a younger sibling. If you feel like you don't know much about what your brother wants out of life, start by sharing with him what your own hopes and dreams are. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your brother can help make him feel more comfortable opening up to you as well.^{[3]
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- For example, you might say something like, “I really want to become a veterinarian someday. That's my dream job.”
- Or, you might say something like, “I hope that when I have a family, I can take them on lots of family trips like we went on with our parents. That was so fun!”
- Make sure to ask your brother about his hopes and dreams for the future, too. Try saying something like, “What do you want to do after you graduate?” Or, “What is your dream job and where would you like to live?”
6
Acknowledge your brother's accomplishments without making comparisons. Everyone has things they're good at, and you and your brother might be good at different things. This doesn't make either of you better than the other, so there's no point in making comparisons. Instead, acknowledge your brother's accomplishments for what they are.^{[4]
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- For example, your brother just earned his GED, congratulate him! Don't compare his achievements to your own.
- If you have a black belt in karate and your brother just earned his purple belt, earning the new belt is still an important accomplishment for him. Tell him that!

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Spending Quality Time with Your Brother

1
Do fun things with your brother as often as possible. Having fun with your brother is one of the best ways to increase the positive feelings between the two of you. Take some time whenever you are with your brother to do something you both enjoy. This will allow you to create happy memories together that you can both reflect on for years to come.^{[5]
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- For example, you could build a pillow fort together in your living room, go for a bike ride, or play a game together.
- If your brother has a favorite game or hobby, show an interest in it! For example, if your younger brother loves Minecraft, ask to play with him or ask him to show you how to play if you don't know how.
Tip: If you're not sure what your brother would like to do for fun, ask him! Try saying something like, “We should do something fun today, but I'm not sure what. Got any ideas?”
2
Look for ways to work with your brother as a team. Team-building activities can help to strengthen your bond with your younger brother as well. Look for opportunities to work with your brother to plan or accomplish something. This can be a small, everyday task, such as cleaning the living room, or it might be a big once in a lifetime activity, such as planning a special birthday party for a parent or another sibling.^{[6]
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- You could also engage in team-building with your brother by helping him with his homework, playing a collaborative video or board game, or asking for your brother's help with solving a personal problem.
3
Encourage your brother on his challenges and successes. Make sure that your brother knows you are proud of him no matter what. Congratulate him when he succeeds and encourage him when he encounters a challenge.^{[7]
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- For example, if your brother gets an A on a big math test, you might say something like, “Way to go, buddy! I knew you could do it!”
- If your brother's soccer team loses a game, you might say something like, “I know it's hard to lose a game, but you played your best and I am proud of you for all of that hard work!”
4
Engage in random acts of kindness towards your brother. This will let your brother know that you are thinking of him even when it might seem like you're not. Look for opportunities to surprise your brother with a small treat, gift, or other act of kindness.
- For example, you could randomly surprise your brother at school or work with his favorite lunch, send him a care package if he's away at school, or take care of a chore for him when he's having a hard day.
5
Console your brother if he gets hurt. Nurturing is an important way to show someone that you care. If your brother gets hurt, physically or emotionally, do your best to console him. Give him a hug or pat him on the back. Don't ignore him or shame him for getting upset.^{[8]
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- For example, if your brother falls down and scrapes his knee, help him up and take him to get cleaned up.
- If your brother has their feelings hurt by someone, listen to him and let him cry if he needs to. Let him know that you are there for him.
6
Be a friend to your brother, not a parent or bully. Avoid judging your brother and trying to boss him around. It's important that your brother feels like he can confide in you, so make sure to demonstrate that you are trustworthy.^{[9]
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- Never judge, mock, tease, or boss your brother around. Show him genuine kindness and be there for him just like you would a close friend.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Conflict

1
Take a few minutes to calm down if you're upset with your brother. Before trying to resolve the issue, give yourself a few minutes to cool down and deal with your anger. Take a walk or excuse yourself to another room if you can. Then, breathe deeply for a few minutes to help yourself calm down.^{[10]
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- Try saying something like, “I'll be back in a few minutes. Let's talk then.”
2
Acknowledge your role in the conflict. Taking responsibility for your role in an argument can be a great way to defuse it and it may also prompt your brother to acknowledge responsibility as well. Think about what you could have said or done differently and then say that to your brother.^{[11]
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- For example, you might say something like, “I shouldn't have borrowed your skateboard without asking. I will try to be more considerate next time.”
3
Apologize to smooth things over. Though it can be hard to apologize sometimes, it's important to apologize if you did something wrong. Saying, “I'm sorry,” can help to smooth things over between you and your brother so you can move on. Even if the conflict between you and your brother was something that both of you played a part in, you can be the first to apologize and start working towards a resolution.
- When giving an apology, speak honestly, and put your ego aside. Your brother will respect you for it.
- Make sure your apology includes an acknowledgement that what you did was wrong and reassurance that you won't do it again.^{[12]
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- Try saying something like, “I'm sorry I called you dumb. I didn't mean it. I'll be more careful about what I say in the future.”
4
Look for win-win solutions to conflicts. If you encounter a difficult situation with your brother, try to make up with him and find a compromise. Identify what you could do that would satisfy both of you. This can be hard to figure out sometimes, so you might need to enlist the help of an impartial friend or family member to figure it out.^{[13]
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- For example, if you had a fight with your brother over whose turn it was to use the computer, then you might work together to develop a schedule that you can use to divide time on the computer evenly.
5
Steer clear of topics that are sure to upset you both. Every relationship has some hot-button issues that are best left completely untouched. Maybe you had an argument with your brother over something once or maybe you just know that bringing up a specific topic will upset him. If so, avoid these topics whenever you talk with your brother.^{[14]
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- For example, if your brother swears that you lost his favorite video game when he lent it to you, but you don't ever remember borrowing it, don't bring up the video game!
- If your younger brother gets angry when you discuss politics, don't talk politics in his presence.
Tip: If you and your brother have several hot-button issues that cause problems when you are together, you might even want to make a list of them together.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you make up with your brother after a fight?

Diane Martinez
Certified Holistic Life Coach
Diane Martinez is a Certified Holistic Life Coach and Founder of Conscious Creating Life Coaching, LLC in Atlanta, Georgia. Diane has over 10 years of coaching experience and works with clients in person and virtually on a variety of topics including career decisions, family relationships, anxiety, and setting boundaries. Diane earned her Coaching Certification from Alan Cohen's Holistic Life Coach Training Program.

Diane Martinez

Certified Holistic Life Coach

Expert Answer

Focus on forgiving yourself first—when we feel like we can forgive ourselves, we can more easily forgive others and seek forgiveness for ourselves. Once you talk to your brother, make sure that you're speaking honestly and saying what you're sorry for. Even if he doesn't accept your apology right away, you've done all that you can do by speaking from the heart.
Question

What if your older brother does not enjoy your company or is always cranky?

Community Answer

Give him his space. It's normal for siblings to spend some time apart. Be nice to him and let him know that you'd like to spend time with him at some point.
Question

What do you say when your brother treats you badly?

Community Answer

Let him know that it hurts your feelings. Ask him not to do what he did again and be kind to him to show him how you'd like to be treated.

Warnings

It takes two to have a better relationship. If your brother is not interested in working on the relationship, then you might have to accept that. Continue being kind and loving towards him, but don't blame yourself if the relationship does not improve despite your efforts.

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