How to Handle a Mean Girl

Co-authored by Katie Styzek

Last Updated: March 12, 2023 References Approved

If you’ve ever been a victim of mean girl bullying, you are not alone. Mean girls’ words and actions can be painful and hard to let go of, but finding the right way to handle them will help you leave her in the past.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Ignoring the Mean Girl

1
Don’t react to her meanness. Mean girls feed on reactions. When they say or do something mean and you yell at them, start crying, or run away, they feel successful. Even if you feel a little hurt, try to keep yourself composed by reminding yourself that you’re strong enough to refuse to respond to and engage in negative behavior. If you’re composed, the mean girl won’t think she got to you.^{[1]
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- Remind yourself that the goal of a bully is to get a reaction. If you don't react, then she loses.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Katie Styzek
  Professional School Counselor
  Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.}
- Try not to take the comments personally because they're not really about you. Bullies put others down because they feel bad about themselves. She wants you to feel bad so that she can feel better about herself.
2
Separate yourself to calm down. When the mean girl is mean to you, you might quickly feel a wave of negative emotions such as anger and sadness. Remove yourself from the situation for 5-10 minutes and go for a short walk or visit the restroom so that you can calm down.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} This will help keep you from being mean back to the girl or reacting in a way that’ll let her know you’re upset.
- Deep breathing exercises can lower your blood pressure and help you de-stress. If you’re feeling upset, try inhaling through your nose for 4 seconds, holding the breath for 4 seconds, exhaling for 4 seconds, and waiting for 4 seconds.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Katie Styzek
  Professional School Counselor
  Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.}
- Come up with a mantra to tell yourself during difficult times. Try saying something like, “I am strong,” or “No one defines me but me,” repeatedly in your head until you’re more calm.
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3
Pretend that the mean girl is invisible. If you act like the mean girl isn’t even there, you’ll remove her power completely. It takes strength and confidence to let hurtful words roll right off your back instead of internalizing them. Whenever the mean girl says or does hurtful things, don’t look at her or speak to her, and instead just continue with whatever you were doing before.^{[5]
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4
Distance yourself from a mean girl friend. If the mean girl is actually someone who you associate with and spend time with, it might be best to take a step away from the friendship. Make yourself a little less available and spend more time doing activities you love with true friends who are more kind to you.^{[6]
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5
Talk to an adult if the meanness doesn’t subside. If you’ve tried to avoid the situation but she’s still being mean to you, it might be time to ask an adult for their help. Bring the problem up with any adult(s) you’re comfortable talking to, whether that’s your guidance counselor, parent(s), teacher(s), coach(es), or administrator(s).^{[7]
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Expert Source

Katie Styzek
Professional School Counselor
Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.} They may be able to give you advice and/or diffuse future situations.
- If you’re physically harmed by the mean girl, tell an adult immediately.^{[9]
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- If you’re worried that the mean girl may find out you that you told on her and harass you for it, ask the adult to keep it a secret.
- Don't ignore the issue if it's really bothering you. If you need help with taking steps toward addressing the situation, visit Stop Bullying at https://www.stopbullying.gov/.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Building Yourself Up

1
Try to understand her motives. Put yourself in the mean girl’s shoes. You might think that she’s the most confident person you know, but that’s typically a front that mean girls put on. Usually, mean girls have deep rooted insecurities and/or problems going on in their lives.^{[10]
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Research source} While this doesn’t give them an excuse, realizing this may help you understand that their harassment isn’t about your flaws, but rather about their problems.
2
Forgive the mean girl and move on. If you get wrapped up in the mean girl’s comments and actions, you may become bitter and have a hard time keeping the meanness from negatively affecting your life. Consider telling the mean girl that you forgive her for what she’s said and done and asking her if you can start fresh. You can also move forward by keeping your forgiveness to yourself and focusing your energy elsewhere.^{[11]
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3
Work on loving yourself. If you’re being harassed by a mean girl, you aren’t the problem, she is. It can be really difficult not to listen to or believe the mean things she says about you, but you know in your heart that you’re so much more than the nasty things she says. It’s hard to be positive when she’s being so negative, but it’s important to remember that you are a person with value.^{[12]
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Research source} If you’re struggling to feel happy and confident about yourself because of the mean girl, try to:
- Keep a journal about how you feel.
- Think of three good things about yourself whenever you’re stuck on one bad thing she said about you.
- Do activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself.
4
Reach out for help and support. Don’t try to deal with bullying all on your own. If the mean girl won’t stop harassing you, talk to a teacher, parent, or guidance counselor about the things she’s saying and doing that hurt you.^{[13]
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Research source} You can also talk to your friends about how to handle it. If they’re willing to stand up for you, the mean girl may not bother you as much.
5
Spend time with your true friends. Invest in the solid, stable friendships you have instead of constantly engaging in negativity with the mean girl. Go do fun activities with your friends and make good memories and bonds with them. This will help you feel more happy and secure.^{[14]
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- A true friend will never put you in a situation where you feel uncomfortable.^{[15]
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  Expert Source
  
  Katie Styzek
  Professional School Counselor
  Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.}
6
Do activities that you love. Spend some time doing an activity that you enjoy and are skilled at. This will help you feel more confident in yourself and your abilities. It’s also a good idea to try a new hobby because learning something new can also be empowering.
- If you like sports, consider signing up for recreational soccer or basketball.
- If you love doing makeup, watch tutorials on YouTube and practice following the steps on yourself or on a friend.
- If you’re interested in music, take guitar or piano lessons or try writing a song.
- Look for activities that make you laugh, such as going to comedy shows or taking comedy classes. Laughing is a great way to boost your mood.^{[16]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Helping Your Child Deal with a Mean Girl

1
Watch for signs that your child is being bullied. Bullying can affect your child for life, causing long-term effects like low self esteem or even suicide. It's important that you address bullying immediately. Children do not always open up about bullying, but there are some signs you can watch for:
- Sudden bed-wetting
- Headaches
- Stomach aches
- Sleep issues
- Skin problems
- Dizziness
- Abdominal pain
2
Talk to your child about their feelings. If your child has been dealing with a mean girl, it’s important to help them sort through their emotions. Empathize with your child to help them feel heard.
- Validate their feelings by saying something like, “Wow, it was mean of Sophie to take your phone and text your crush to tell him that you like him. No wonder you’re feeling frustrated and embarrassed. I’d feel that way too.”^{[17]
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3
Empower your child by asking them questions. Show that you care and are willing to listen by asking your child about their challenges with the mean girl. This may make them more comfortable with coming to you when they’re struggling to handle tiffs with mean girls in the future. Asking questions should also help them learn how to fully express what they’re feeling and why they’re feeling it.
- For example, if your child says “I don’t like Jenny,” then you might ask, “Why not? What did she do that you didn’t like?”
4
Find solutions together. Once your child is in tune with their emotions, start a dialogue about what to do in the situation. Even if your child says they want to hit the mean girl or call her names back, validate their thoughts and suggestions. Then guide them towards a healthier solution.
- For example, you might say, “I understand why you’re feeling hurt, and why you want to hurt her back. But what other ways do you think you could respond to her mean behavior?”
- Don’t just tell your child what to do. Letting them find solutions on their own is much more empowering and will help them feel heard, understood, and supported.^{[18]
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5
Encourage your child to choose kindness over popularity. If your child is willingly spending time with the mean girl, they may get pressured to be mean to others also. Try to explain to your child the importance of prioritizing kindness over popularity, as doing this may lead to fewer regrets and will also surround them with people that bring them happiness.^{[19]
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6
Remind your child what true friends look like. It can be difficult for kids to know who their true friends are. Communicate to your child that anyone who calls them names or does things to hurt them doesn’t have their best interest at heart. Encourage your child to spend their time with those who are supportive of them 100% of the time.^{[20]
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7
Monitor your child’s social media usage. Mean girls often use social media as a bullying tool. If your child has access to computers or smartphones, stay up to date on the new apps and current social media bullying methods so that you can monitor what’s being said to and about your child online.^{[21]
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- Be “friends” with your child on social media.
- Talk to your child about how you’ll be monitoring them on social media. If you hide this from your child, they may feel like their privacy is being invaded and lose trust in you.
8
Speak to teachers and administrators if the meanness gets out of hand. If the mean girl is constantly pestering your child, you may feel like you can’t do much about it because you’re not there with them. Schedule a meeting with your child’s teacher(s) and/or administrator(s) to bring the problem to their attention. That way, they can keep an eye on the mean girl and put a stop to the meanness as soon as it starts.^{[22]
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- Seek out professional mental help for your child if the bullying persists or has lasting effects on your child's self-esteem.

Expert Q&A

Question

What type of return answers can we give to those who insult me or others?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

The best thing you can do is to not take it personally or let the insults affect you. Recognize that they have an issue and not you. Your best response is to genuinely laugh it off or ignore it all together.
Question

One of my friends is so mean and bullies me sometimes. How do I stop it and/or get rid of her?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Tell her that you will not be friends with her any longer if she acts mean towards you. Be specific about what you consider mean as she may not be aware of it as well. If it continues then stop being friends with her.

Warnings

The first time someone hits you, trips you, or does anything else physical, report it immediately.

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Helpful 33 Not Helpful 1
If someone gets physical, first look for ways to remove yourself from the situation. Say something like, "I'm not looking for a fight, is there a way we could talk this out?" If they throw the first punch and you still can't find a way out, defend yourself the best way you can.

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Do not snap back with hurtful insults or comebacks. This may give you the reputation of being a bully as well.

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Don't seek revenge.

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