How to Handle Neighbors Who Shout at Their Kids

Dealing with a neighbor who shouts at their kid can be a sensitive and difficult situation to handle. If the shouting is severe or abusive, you should intervene and try to defuse the situation by connecting with and calming down the parent. If the shouting occurs occasionally and is not abusive, you might want to ignore the yelling and be sure to talk to your kids about it. You should also help to build a social support system in your neighborhood that may help calm the tension in your neighbor’s home. Finally, you should be watchful for a pattern of abuse and report your neighbor if you believe that they are abusing their kid.

Method 1
Method 1 of 4:

Intervening in the Moment

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    Call the police in an emergency. If you see a violent act or believe that a child is in danger, call the police immediately. Calling a child abuse hotline will not result in immediate action, which may be necessary in a severe case. Once you call, a police officer will investigate the situation and make a report.
    • Call 911 to reach emergency services if you are in the United States or Canada.
    • Call 999 if you are in the United Kingdom.
    • Call 000 if you are in Australia.
    • Follow up this call to emergency services with a hotline call to child protective services. Every call that is made to child protective services is documented and used as a reference for further ongoing investigation.[1]
    • Police and child protective services often work very closely together. If there are reports made both with the police and with child protective services, there is a better trail for them to follow to help save more lives.
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    Be aware that you do not have all the information. If a child is in immediate danger, then do not hesitate to act. Otherwise, however, it is important to think about what you are witnessing and consider all the facts you have — and don't have. Consider that what you are witnessing is a fraction of someone's life and you do not know or understand everything that is happening in the lives of your neighbors.
    • If it seems like the parent is stressed out and lashing out at the child, think about what might be the most appropriate way to approach the parent. Make sure you approach them with compassion and are open to hearing the full story of what is going on.
    • If you feel this is a situation of possible verbal, mental, or psychological abuse, it might be best not to intervene personally. Instead, contact the police and/or child protective services. This is for your own safety, as well as the safety of the children.
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    Act proactively. When you overhear you neighbor yelling at their kid, it may be appropriate to make an effort to do something at the time. If you can, try to intervene in the moment and defuse the tense situation. If you cannot, make a point to talk to your neighbor in the future. Try not to be accusatory and let them know that you are willing to help them out if they are feeling overwhelmed.
    • You might say something like, “Hey Doris, I heard things get a little heated with Tim the other day. Kids are great, but they can be difficult at times.”
    • Avoid approaching your neighbor in a confrontational manner. This will likely cause them to shut you out and limit your ability to intervene in the future.
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    Be friendly. If you observe your neighbor yelling at their child, slowly approach the two of them. In a friendly tone, strike up a conversation with the parent and try to defuse the tension. If they are performing a task like bringing in the groceries, offer to help them out. Although the situation may be tense, try to keep a smile on your face and maintain a friendly tone.[2]
    • For example, if the parent is trying to bring in the groceries, you might say something like “Hey Jim! Want some help with those groceries?”
    • You might also try to defuse the situation by saying something like “Hey! How are you guys doing?” or “What are you guys up to today?”
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    Connect with the parent. You can also ease some of the tension out of the situation by connecting with the parent. Make eye contact with them and say something that is positive and connects the two of you. Try to make the situation feel as non-confrontational as possible.[3]
    • You might say something like “Isn’t parenting hard sometimes?” or, “You must be so stressed. Kids are great, but they kind of seem like a handful sometimes.”
    • Remember that you are do not know what is going on in your neighbor's lives or what events were leading up to the yelling. As concerned as you may be, it is important to try and gather all the facts before you intervene (unless the child is clearly in danger).
    • If, however, you constantly hear the parent bullying or being verbally aggressive with the child, then it may be helpful to try to connect with the parent to try to find out what is going on — it may be completely unrelated to their child and they are unknowingly taking their stress out on the child. Feeling into the world of another parent and trying to work with them to problem solve will take some time.
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    Engage the child. After talking to the parent, say something nice to the child. It is important that you convey to the child that you are not there to join in on the berating. Try to make a comment that is specific to the child and positive[4]
    • You might say something like “Hey Todd! That’s a pretty cool shirt you’re wearing!” or “Julie, you played awesome in that basketball game the other day.”
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    Distract the child. If a parent has lost their temper at a small child, you might try distracting the child with a toy or trick. Once you approach the parent, try being friendly and playful with the small child. If you are familiar enough with parent, you might offer to hold the child for a bit.[5]
    • For example, you might play peek-a-boo or make funny faces at the small child to help them calm down.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 4:

Dealing with Occasional Shouting

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    Talk to your neighbor. If your neighbor’s shouting is loud or annoying, you might talk with them about it. Find a time to talk with your neighbor and ask them if they would consider keeping it down. They might not be aware of how loud they are and appreciate you letting them know.[6]
    • You might say something like “Hey Dianne. You were pretty loud the other day. Do you think you could keep it down?” or “Hey Jim. I heard you getting on Todd’s case the other day. It kind of upset my kids. Could you maybe be a little quieter?”
    • Do not send your neighbor a text or write them a note and leave it on their door or in their mailbox. If you are going to talk to them, you need to do it face to face.
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    Ignore it. If your neighbor has a tendency to lose their temper on their kids, but the yelling is not abusive, you might consider simply ignoring it. Getting involved, especially if there is not any abuse occurring, might damage your relationship with your neighbor. Play it by ear and, if you do not think the yelling is severe, ignoring it may be the best response.[7]
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    Talk to your kids about it. If the yelling is upsetting your kids, you might want to have a discussion with them about what is going on. Let them know that sometimes parents get a little frustrated with their children and lose their tempers. However, you should also explain to them that yelling at your kids is not the best way to deal with your frustration.
    • You might say something like “I’m sorry that is upsetting you. That yelling is bothering me too.”
    • If the yelling is that bad, consider leaving the house for a while to go do something fun with your children. Or do something to distract them from the disturbance — put on some music and play a game or dance around.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 4:

Building Social Support

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    Get to know your neighbors. Try to build a relationship with your neighbors and get to know them personally. Let them know that you are there for their family. Knowing that support is near may help them feel less overwhelmed and, therefore, less likely to lash out at their children.[8]
    • Invite your neighbors over for barbeques and parties. Try to host activities where you get to know the kids and their parents.
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    Offer to help. If you neighbor seems overwhelmed, offer to help them out. Limiting the parent’s anxiety will minimize the likelihood of them lashing out against their child. You might help them do chores or even offer to watch the kid for a bit.[9]
    • You might say something like “Let me watch Sara for a bit while you relax” or “How about I pick up the kids after school today?”
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    Talk to your other neighbors. Although you should avoid gossiping about your neighbor, it may be helpful to talk with other people in the neighborhood. Your other neighbors may have some insights on the situation that you do not. They may also be willing to help support your neighbor or intervene in the future.
    • Consider getting together for coffee with neighbors that you trust and feel comfortable with.
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    Be an active member of your community. Volunteer at the different community organizations that support children and their parents. This will give you the opportunity to get to know your neighbors and their kids. It will also allow you to provide some community support for your neighbors that need it.[10]
    • If you have children, you can volunteer at their school or their athletic programs. You might also consider helping out at community or faith-based organizations or social service programs.
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Method 4
Method 4 of 4:

Dealing with Child Abuse

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    Know the different types of abuse and neglect. There are several different types of child abuse, including neglect. This can help you know what to look for if you are concerned about your neighbor's children.
    • Physical abuse: This refers to a physical injury that is not caused by an accident. This includes hitting, shaking, throwing, biting, choking, kicking, burning and so on. In the US, this behavior is considered abuse regardless of the intention. It should be noted that physical discipline, such as spanking, is not considered physical abuse if it does not cause bodily injury and there is reasonable cause to spank the child.
    • Verbal abuse: This may include verbal, psychological, or mental forms of abuse. The child may be bullied and devalued. The abuser may name call, make accusations, or even ignore the child. Because this type of abuse leaves no obvious physical marks, it may be difficult to identify.
    • Neglect: This occurs when a parent or caregiver is not providing for a child's basic needs, such as food, shelter, clothing, medical care, education, and so on. It may also include a parent who is inattentive to a child's needs or allows drug and alcohol use.
    • Sexual abuse: Like verbal or emotional abuse, this can be difficult to identify, as it doesn't necessarily leave an obvious physical mark and happens behind closed doors. This includes touching and non-touching activity, such as committing sexual acts with the child or forcing them to commit sexual acts, showing them pornography, taking pornographic photos or videos of the child.
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    Recognize the signs of abuse and neglect. If your neighbor’s actions appear severe, you should keep an eye open for signs of abuse. There are many different signs and symptoms to look for — note that the following are only some of the signs.[11] However, some red flags are:
    • Your neighbor’s kids quit hanging out with the other kids in the neighborhood.
    • They show serious behaviorally changes, like increased aggression, anger, hostility, or hyperactivity.
    • The kid appears depressed, anxious, unusually fearful, or suddenly loses their self-confidence.
    • They frequently miss school and school-related events.
    • They are reluctant to go home.
    • The child has a constant medical or physical condition that has not been treated.
    • They are increasingly watchful and look fearful. They are concerned that something bad could happen at any moment.
    • The child is frequently left alone at an inappropriate age.
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    Look for patterns of abuse. Once you begin noticing some red flags, pay attention to see if these things are recurring. A regular pattern that repeats over a long period may be a good indication of problems. For example, if your neighbor’s kid is reluctant to go home every now and then, there may be a good reason for this behavior. However, if they refuse to go home every time they visit, they may be cause for concern.
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    Report child abuse. If you believe that your neighbor is abusing their child, you should report them. Call the police or your local child abuse hotline. When you call, make a detailed report that includes the child’s information, your relationship to them, the abuser's information, their address, and the type of abuse that is occurring.
    • If your neighbor is regularly yelling at the child, they are experiencing emotional abuse.
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References

  1. ↑ https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/
  2. ↑ https://www.casappr.org/post/bystander/
  3. ↑ https://www.casappr.org/post/bystander/
  4. ↑ https://www.casappr.org/post/bystander/
  5. ↑ http://www.npr.org/2014/07/22/334035834/when-it-comes-to-other-peoples-kids-should-parents-intervene
  6. ↑ http://www.thehomestory.com/the-dos-and-donts-of-dealing-with-loud-neighbors/
  7. ↑ http://www.thehomestory.com/the-dos-and-donts-of-dealing-with-loud-neighbors/
  8. ↑ https://www.casappr.org/post/bystander/
  9. ↑ https://www.casappr.org/post/bystander/
  1. ↑ https://www.casappr.org/post/bystander/
  2. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/child-abuse/basics/symptoms/con-20033789

About This Article

Tasha Rube, LMSW
Co-authored by:
Tasha Rube, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
This article was co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW. Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014. This article has been viewed 44,756 times.
40 votes - 39%
Co-authors: 6
Updated: June 27, 2021
Views: 44,756
Categories: Neighbors
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