How to Handle Feeling Out of Place at Work

Co-authored by Lauren Krasny

Last Updated: December 22, 2022 References

Many people spend a large percentage of their lives at work. This can feel terrible if you are one of many people who feel detached and disengaged within the culture of their workplace. Workplace loneliness can impact your performance and engagement, so overcoming the feeling of not belonging is central to your success.^{[1]
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Research source} Knowing how to connect with people at work is also an important professional skill that can help your career.^{[2]
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Research source} Manage the feeling of being out of place at work by trying to figure out what caused it, making an effort to interact, and finding solutions for disengagement.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Addressing the Feeling

1
Try to label what you're feeling. Ask yourself what is keeping you from belonging. Co-workers sometimes hang out with their own age group by default and maybe you're much older or younger. Perhaps you are a manager and feel excluded from your subordinates?Maybe everyone else has energy for the job, but you're dealing with burnout. There even may be varying levels of lifestyles, values, or interests separating you and your colleagues.^{[3]
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- Sit down with paper and a pen and try to list whatever reasons come to mind. After you make a tentative list, you can spend a few days observing yourself and your peers at work to see if your reasons are accurate.
2
Change your internal dialogue. Sometimes, the biggest roadblock keeping you from connecting with people is in your own head. If you keep telling yourself you don't fit in, you won't. Your thought patterns can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy in which what you believe about yourself becomes true.
- If you're thinking you don't belong, you're awkward, or people won't like you, reframe your self-talk. Create a list of positive, realistic statements about your workplace connections, such as “I have much to offer as a friend” or “I enjoy the culture of my workplace, so I am certain to find people with common interests.”
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3
Consider any constructive criticism you have received. If your boss or a peer has recently expressed concern that you are not a team player, dominate conversations, or bring a toxic competitive vibe to the workplace, you may need to dial it back to feel like a part of the group. If you shrugged off their feedback without trying to make positive change, they may be excluding you on purpose.
- If this describes your circumstances, you have two options: you can stay the way you are and remain excluded or reflect on their feedback and find ways to improve. It's up to you, just know that if you choose to stay the same, you could be hurting your reputation and growth within your career.^{[4]
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4
Get help. Your engagement at your job has a major influence on your career growth and life satisfaction. If you can't seem to identify what's keeping you from fitting in, you made need to seek out professional assistance.
- If you are struggling with self-esteem issues or social anxiety, you should see a mental health expert.^{[5]
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- If you are dissatisfied with your choice of work or feel like your workplace does not align with your values, it may help to see a career counselor.^{[6]
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- Look into leadership or self-help workshops to get help with specific areas of personal development. One good option for leadership and self-improvement training is called Landmark Education.^{[7]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Attempting to Interact

1
Set a daily conversation quota. Not belonging doesn't feel good, so even if you don't make any major changes, it can still make you feel better to interact more often. Make a personal goal to have one or two conversations with a peer at work each day. Think of some conversation starters to make it easier.
- Increase your chances of conversing by hanging out with your co-workers more. If they eat in the break room, don't take your lunch at your desk or work-station. Join them. Then, listen to their discussion and participate when you have something of value to add.
- For example, your co-workers are discussing vacation plans and one of them mentions a trip to a specific location. If you have an interest in that place, you might say, “That sounds so exciting! What sorts of excursions are you planning during your visit?”
2
Focus on the other person, not on your own shyness. If you are shy or hesitant about chatting it up with your co-workers, follow this rule-of-thumb: don't dwell on how shy you feel, turn your attention completely to the other person. Act as if you are serving them in a way—try to make them smile or laugh, get them talking about their own life.
- When you're worried about how you're coming off to others, you might over-analyze and end up ruining a perfectly decent interaction. Take a break from focusing on yourself and devote your attention to the other speaker.^{[8]
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  Trustworthy Source
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  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}
- Make sure to ask open-ended questions to keep the other person talking. These are questions that invite elaboration and that don't have a simple yes or no answer.
- Be willing to share about yourself as well to keep the conversation going and to form a genuine connection.
3
Don't turn down invitations. If you're notorious for responding with “no” each time your peers invite you to lunch or to after-work drinks, they'll quickly stop asking. No one wants to be rejected over and over again, so you may have inadvertently caused them to exclude you.
- When you catch them discussing plans, ask if you can tag along. Or, if someone directly invites you, try to say “yes” unless you absolutely cannot go.
- Practicing saying yes to invites can improve your work life and your personal life. Accept a set amount of invitations per week and invite people to do things as well.
4
Ask a co-worker out for coffee or similar. If the group as a whole makes you self-conscious, target one particularly non-intimidating, friendly co-worker. Making just one social connection at work can help you feel less isolated. Plus, once this person gets to know you, they might encourage the others to do the same.^{[9]
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- Say something like, “Hey, Carla, I enjoyed our talk earlier. It's refreshing to talk to another newbie mom. Would you like to get coffee together one morning before work?”
5
Suggest to your boss the idea of workplace socials. If your workplace culture doesn't emphasize inclusion, you might not be the only one feeling left out. Make a recommendation to your superior to stimulate connectedness with group events. Plan a potluck lunch or dinner to celebrate a company victory. Start a baseball, cricket, soccer, netball or basketball team.
6
Seek advice about purposeful exclusion. Maybe your co-workers seem to have a vendetta against you, overlooking you for social outings and never including you in workplace gift exchanges. If this is the case, you will have to carefully consider how you choose to move forward. The best thing to do is to talk with someone you trust at your workplace about what has been happening. It can also help to first share your worries with a trusted friend.
- You might say, "I get the sense that I am the odd one out at work. They never include me. And they stop talking whenever I come around. What should I do?"
- Even if you don't take your friend's advice, it can help to have some unbiased support.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Disengagement

1
Resist acting out to get attention. Studies show that when an employee feels excluded, they may engage in acting out behaviors to get noticed. Examples might include cutting co-workers out of projects, cheating, lying, or aggressively competing. If you are tempted to behave this way, think about the possible repercussions first. Acting out will only make you feel more excluded, and it could jeopardize your job too.^{[10]
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2
Set an objective workplace goal. Chances are you could be disengaged from work because you no longer feel challenged. Simply because your job description doesn't entail any lofty accomplishments or goals doesn't mean you can't strive for them. Create your own personal goals to work towards. This could be just what you need to feel passionate about your work and reconnect with the group.
- For example, you might aim to get so many reports done by 5pm each day. Or, you might develop a track to move towards a promotion or transfer to a new company.^{[11]
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  Research source} Try to focus on what you can control and avoid trying to control things that are outside of your control.
3
Reevaluate the job. If the work you do and the people you do it with leave you feeling lackluster, you could be in the wrong career. If you have to change the way you act, undermine your values, or fantasize about leaving your job each day, pay attention to these cues.^{[12]
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- The culture of your workplace is just as important to your satisfaction as the actual position and salary. It may be time to quit. Re-examine why you got onto this career path or took this job.^{[13]
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Expert Q&A

Question

Why do I feel disconnected at work?

Lauren Krasny
Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach
Lauren Krasny is a Leadership and Executive Coach and the Founder of Reignite Coaching, her professional and personal coaching service based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She also currently coaches for the LEAD Program at Stanford University Graduate School of Business and is a former Digital Health Coach for Omada Health and Modern Health. Lauren received her coaching training from the Coach Training Institute (CTI). She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Michigan.

Lauren Krasny

Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach

Expert Answer

To figure out why you feel this way, you'll need to narrow down the source of the feeling. Is it a problem with your supervisors or coworkers? Or is it related to the job title and the responsibilities? Figuring this out will help you to solve any problems you may have.