How to Get over His Past

Co-authored by Philip Glickman, PsyD

Last Updated: March 11, 2023 Approved

Do you find yourself thinking about your boyfriend's past girlfriend(s)? Do you play their relationship in your mind like a film? Do you feel threatened by the fact that your partner shared a life with another woman? These feelings are not unique to you, they are a very common occurrence amongst a lot of women. Constantly obsessing about your boyfriend's past can be a debilitating and stressful activity. This guide will help you to stop these thoughts and help you build a better relationship.

Steps

1
Stop thinking about his past. Sounds a little too simple but in fact it's not at all hard. If you find your mind drifting towards his past or his ex try to think of something else. You can either substitute your thought with an image, such as that of a loved one or you could simply think about a different topic such as your shopping list. Alternatively just focus on your breathing, feel your lungs take in air, feel it travel through your nasal passage. Become aware of your chest gently moving up and down and finally feel the hot hair rushing out.
2
Be aware that you are suffering from Retroactive Jealousy. This is when jealous thoughts and feelings are initiated by people or events from the past. Thinking about your boyfriend's past with his ex causes you to feel insecure, sad, resentful and even angry; all the landmarks of feeling jealous. The good news about retroactive jealously is that these past events and people are less likely to be a real threat to you or to your relationship. Usually, the ex in question is long gone and the events that they shared are only a distant memory to your partner.

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3
Don't punish him for his past with bad behavior. Constantly obsessing over his past is not going to make you feel good about yourself or your relationship. Feelings of anger, sadness and insecurity can be overwhelming and they can cause you to act irrationally. It's easy to take out your feelings on your partner as he is the one that is closest to you and also, he is indirectly the reason that you are suffering from the problem. By acting out in such a manner you are essentially punishing your partner for his past mistakes. Try to recognize when you are in this frame of mind and go for a walk, read or engage in an activity which gets you away from your partner. A bit of time to yourself where you are distracted will help you to calm down prevent you from saying things that you will later regret.
4
Work on yourself. When you make your life revolve around your partner you will start to lose your sense of self. Go back to a time without your partner and think of what type of person you were and what you enjoyed doing, then go out there and do these things! . Alternatively, find a new hobby, connect with old friends and family, re-read your favour book or just be on your own for a little while enjoying your company. Good self esteem is essential in order to stop the eroding effects of jealousy. Write down a list of things you are good at as well as your accomplishments in order to feel good about yourself. Remember, that you are a unique and wonderful individual with a great deal to offer and a story to tell. Having a positive self image will stop you from comparing yourself to his ex and wondering what she had that you don't. Truth is she too has a lot of wonderful qualities and this is why your partner was attracted to her in the first place, but that does not take anything away from you or your relationship as you have just as much if not more to offer. As the old adage says, you can't love someone else before you love yourself.
- Exercise, even if it's just walking for a few minutes outside, can help ease stress and help you feel better.^{[1]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Philip Glickman, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.}
5
Work on your relationship. You are jealous of the experiences your partner had with his ex, perhaps they went on holiday or shared a love for a special activity. The best remedy for this is to create some of your own wonderful experiences and memories. Start a joint hobby, have a date night or try something new with your partner. Enjoy each others company, laugh and also take pictures as tangible mementos that can be looked at in the future. In time, you will see that you are creating your very own story with your partner and the one he shares with his ex will be a distant memory.
- Make sure you talk through any issues you have with your partner so you have open and honest communication with one another.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Philip Glickman, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.}
6
The past makes us who we are. Unless you were literally born last night, you also have a past. Just take a moment to think about your experiences over the past decade and recall how many of those experiences made you the person you are today. We all have a past, we all have a story about how we got here to the present moment and try as we might we cannot change it. We all make decisions along the way, some good, others bad and the outcomes of those decisions is ultimately what shapes our very being. Your partners past is precious as it led him on a journey to you. He may have reached you without being scathed, or he might have had a few mishaps along the way but the result is the same: he found you. So instead of being angry and resentful for the path he took, be glad as without it he wouldn't be here.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why do I get upset about my boyfriend's past?

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Philip Glickman is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Director of Wellness Road Psychology with two locations in Dobbs Ferry and the Financial District of New York City. He specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness techniques, treatment of anxiety, and life coaching. Dr. Glickman is a member of the American Psychological Association. He holds a BA in Criminology and Psychology from The University of Maryland College Park and an MA in Forensic Psychology from The City University of New York. Dr. Glickman also holds a PsyD in School and Community Psychology from Hofstra University.

Philip Glickman, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

There can be a lot of factors to this. It is possible that you are experiencing a bit of trauma from attachment, from a breakup, or from a falling out with someone in the past. A lot of people think that you need to go through something really extreme to be traumatized, but that's not true.
Question

How can I stop dwelling on the past?

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Philip Glickman is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Director of Wellness Road Psychology with two locations in Dobbs Ferry and the Financial District of New York City. He specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness techniques, treatment of anxiety, and life coaching. Dr. Glickman is a member of the American Psychological Association. He holds a BA in Criminology and Psychology from The University of Maryland College Park and an MA in Forensic Psychology from The City University of New York. Dr. Glickman also holds a PsyD in School and Community Psychology from Hofstra University.

Philip Glickman, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Try a process of desensitization. First, you should confront the issue; talk about, write about and reprocess it. Then, follow that up with a meditation to retrain your brain to accept the past.