How to Get a Stranger to Ask You Out

Co-authored by Suzanna Mathews and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: October 15, 2021 References

Maybe you’re not quite ready to make the step of asking out that intriguing person you just met at the bar or the bookstore. Or maybe you prefer the challenge of getting them to chase you. Either way, there are things you can do to catch a stranger’s attention—and improve the chances that they’ll make a move. In this article, we’ll share a few tips and tricks you can try to get a cute stranger to ask you out.

1

Smile and make eye contact.

A friendly face is key to making a connection. If you see an attractive stranger, catch their eye and shoot them a warm smile. That will signal that you’re interested and approachable.^{[1]
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- Let your gaze linger on theirs for a couple seconds, but don’t stare. Just lock eyes long enough to show that you notice them.

2

Use friendly, open body language.

Hold your head up and relax your shoulders. Keep your arms relaxed at your sides instead of crossing them. You’ll come off a lot more chill, confident, and approachable if you keep your body language open instead of appearing tense or closed off.^{[2]
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- Avoid slouching or looking down. Look around and focus on what’s happening around you. Not only will you look friendlier, but you’ll be more likely to spot cute strangers that way!

3

Bring a conversation piece with you.

It could be an interesting book or a statement accessory. Whatever it is, choose something that strangers are likely to notice and comment on. It’s an easy ice breaker that just might lead to something more!^{[3]
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- For example, you could wear a striking piece of jewelry, bring a sketch pad with you, or even bring along a cute pet if you’re someplace where animals are allowed.
- If you’re in an online space, like on Instagram, Facebook, or Tinder, post some attention-grabbing images on your profile.

4

Put your phone away.

It’s hard to spot prospective dates while looking at a screen. Plus, if you’re not wrapped up in your phone, other people will feel more comfortable approaching you. Keep your phone in your bag or pocket, or leave it in sleep mode if you absolutely must have it out.^{[4]
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- Make a point of looking around and taking an interest in the people and things in your environment. You’re more likely to stand out to that attractive stranger if you seem alert and engaged with the world.

5

Approach them if they seem interested.

Sometimes you need to take the initiative. If the hottie you’re eying doesn’t come over to talk to you right away, don’t get too discouraged! It turns out that people are pretty bad at picking up on subtle signals that someone is interested in them, so they might not take the hint from your come-hither glances alone.^{[5]
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Research source} If they’re meeting your gaze and smiling back, go over to them and strike up a conversation.
- Be careful about approaching people who are reading, listening to music, or deep in conversation with a friend. Unless they’re actively looking at you and trying to catch your eye, there’s a good chance they want to be left alone.

6

Break the ice with a question.

Questions are a great way to get a conversation going. Plus, they’ll help you gauge if the other person is interested in spending time with you! It doesn’t have to be anything clever or profound. Something as simple as “So, have you been here before?” or “Do you mind if I sit here?” can be enough to get things started.^{[6]
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- You can also try asking their opinion on something. For example, “Can you recommend a good cocktail?” or, “What did you think of that last White Sox versus Cubs game? Crazy, right?”
- Some studies show that you’re more likely to make a hit with a stranger if you lead by asking them for help with something.^{[7]
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  Research source} For instance, say something like, “Excuse me, I’m new in town. Can you tell me how to get to Main Street from here?”
- People find good listeners more likeable and attractive.^{[8]
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  Research source} While they’re talking, make an effort to listen actively and take a genuine interest in what they’re saying. Ask follow-up questions to keep the conversation going!

7

Give them a compliment.

A genuine compliment can make a great impression.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.} Not only is it likely to boost the other person’s mood, but it’ll also put the focus on them—which might make you feel a little less self-conscious about chatting up a stranger.^{[10]
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Research source} Make your compliment sincere and specific.
- For example, say something like, “That’s such a cool shirt, where did you get it?” or, “Wow, you have the most infectious laugh, I love it!”
- If you’re chatting with them online, you could comment on something interesting that they posted. For instance, “Those pics on your profile are gorgeous. You have some serious photography skills!”
- Avoid commenting on their physical appearance, which can make some people uncomfortable.

8

Look for common interests.

Improve your chances by making a real connection. As you converse with them, look for anything you might have in common—it could be a shared hobby, a mutual friend, or a sports team you both like.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.} If you find a connection, mention it! You never know where it might lead.^{[12]
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- For instance, “Oh, did you go to Northwestern? Sweet, so did I!”
- When you’re talking to a stranger online, you can sometimes find shared interests by looking at their profile or things they’ve posted. For instance, if they post a lot about their cats, you might strike up a conversation about your mutual love of pets.
- If you’ve got absolutely nothing to work with, you can always comment on the experience you’re sharing right now. For instance, “It’s great to be around other people again after so much time social distancing, isn’t it?”

9

Let your sense of humor shine.

Don’t be afraid to joke around a little. Laughter is fun and therapeutic. It’s also attractive.^{[13]
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Research source} If the mood feels right, crack a joke or engage in a little good-natured ribbing.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.} Just steer clear of making any jokes that might come off as offensive or mean.
- For instance, you might tell a funny story, tell a joke, or even try a cheesy pickup line if you’re getting a flirty vibe from them (“So, is it hot in here, or is it just you?”).
- Likewise, if they say something that strikes you as funny, don’t hold back—have a good laugh! Most people find strangers who laugh at their jokes more attractive.

10

Wrap up the convo before it gets awkward.

Cutting out early may pique their interest. Don’t keep hanging around until you wear out your welcome. If there’s a natural break in the conversation, say something like, “Hey, it was great to meet you! I’d better get back over there and see how my friend is doing.” You can also give them an easy out, like, “Well, don’t let me keep you,” or, “Just let me know if you need to get going.”^{[15]
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- You can always leave the door open to coming back later. In fact, if you have good chemistry, rekindling the conversation can be a great way to deepen the connection even more. For instance, you could say, “Listen, my friends are waiting for me to bring them some drinks, but maybe I’ll see you again in a bit?”
- If you’re chatting online, say something like, “Well, it’s dinner time, so I’ve gotta bounce. Chat more later?”
- If you really have to go, drop a hint that you’d be interested in seeing them again. For example, say something like, “This was so much fun. I’d love to do it again sometime.” If you’ve captured their interest, this might just be the push they need to make a move before you slip away for good!

11

Hand them your number.

This is a clear, low-pressure way to show you’re interested. Want that cute stranger to ask you out? Slip them your digits.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.} Whether you’re just wrapping up a conversation or you’re approaching them for the first time, they’re likely to take the hint.^{[17]
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- If you’ve already been chatting with them for a bit, look for a natural way to lead up to it. For instance, “Listen, I’ve got to run, but I’d love to chat with you more later. Here’s my number, hit me up with a text!”
- If you’re feeling extra bold, you can always approach them “cold” and just slip them a note with your number on it. You could even say something like, “You’re pretty cute—here’s my number if you wanna give me a call!”
- When you’re chatting online, you can say something like, “It would be neat to actually hear your voice. Give me a call if you want.”

12

Shoot them a private message if you’re online.

In the virtual world, a DM is a great way to make a connection. If you encounter an interesting person online, reach out with a question, comment, or compliment. Be friendly and sincere, just like you would if you were approaching a stranger face-to-face.^{[18]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
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- For instance, you could say something like, “Your posts are always so inspiring! Do you have any advice for someone getting started with cake decorating?” or, “Love those pics from the Louvre in your profile. What’s your favorite painting?”
- If you’re on a dating website, you can safely assume that you’re both there for similar reasons, so it’s okay to get flirty a bit sooner. But if you’re just chatting with a random stranger on social media, take a little time to build a connection first.

13

Stay chill.

Whatever happens, try to relax and enjoy yourself. Instead of going into it with the expectation of scoring a date, just try to focus on the moment and enjoy the process of getting to know new people. If someone does ask you out, great! If not, take pride in the fact that you had the courage to put yourself out there.^{[19]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What are good topics to talk about with a stranger?

Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach
Suzanna Mathews is a Dating and Relationship Coach and the Founder of The Date Maven. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in creating mindset tools, social strategies, and digital strategies that help her clients elevate dating and deepen connections. Suzanna holds a BA in Communications from Bethel College, North Newton, and an MA in Theater and Dramatic Arts from Wichita State University.

Suzanna Mathews

Dating & Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Good topics to talk about include shared or common interest like sharing music, sharing songs, or movies. Or, you know, maybe even a meme that has like an inspirational quote, or a funny meme, something that made you laugh, sharing those little glimpses into your psyche is so much more interesting than, hey, how's your day? It's so much richer than just you know, what's up?