How to Get a Girl Back That Hates You

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Last Updated: April 12, 2022 References

Breaking up is an awful thing to go through, especially if you really care for someone. If your relationship ended badly and you’re wondering how to fix things, it’s normal to look for answers. You’re probably feeling lonely, frustrated, and upset as you work through your breakup. Getting back together with a girl that hates you might seem impossible, but we’ve gathered a list of ways you can go about getting the relationship back on track.

1

Find out how she feels.

A breakup is hard on both sides, so you might assume the worst. Hate is a strong emotion that most people don’t feel about just anyone. If you think she hates you but aren’t sure, you might be starting on the wrong foot before you even begin. If you can, ask her how she feels. This can go further than you think and make things easier in the long run.^{[1]
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- When you reach out, try easing into the conversation by saying something like “Hey, I noticed we haven’t been talking recently. Did I do something wrong?” or “You seem angry at me, is there something I can do?”
- If she’s cut off contact with you, this might not be the way to go. It’s best to let her have some space and work on yourself instead. Asking her too many questions too soon can make things worse, so only reach out if it’s something you think she would be reasonably comfortable discussing.

2

Figure out what went wrong.

It’s hard to rebuild a relationship if you don’t know where to start. Try making a list of negative aspects of your relationship. This can be anything from your last fight to common arguments to other obstacles like distance.^{[2]
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- Ask yourself where the road bumps were in the relationship. If it was something out of your control like distance or interference from friends or relatives, rebuilding things could be simpler as you work out how to avoid or deal with these issues.
- If your last fight ended things, try to remember it as clearly and objectively as you can. Try to see things from her point of view as well as yours. Did either of you say hurtful things you didn’t mean? What led up to the fight? Was it something either one of you did or was it more complicated?

3

Give her space.

Allow things to cool off before trying to get back together. This can range anywhere from a few days to a number of weeks. What’s important is that you don’t rush her or yourself just because you’d rather be in a relationship. It’s hard to be alone, especially if things didn’t end well, but giving her space can demonstrate your care for her boundaries.^{[3]
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- Giving her space might also mean starting things again more slowly. If she allowed you to keep in touch, reach out with a simple greeting to see how things feel. Take it a step at a time by limiting yourself to one message per day or per week depending on how she responds.
- You could try sending her something as simple as “Hey, how’ve you been lately?” or “I just wanted to check in since it’s been a little while. I missed talking to you”.

4

Apologize and make amends.

Apologizing can be painful, but it's essential to getting her back. It’s important to acknowledge her feelings, understand where you hurt her, and assure her that you have changed or are working to improve for the sake of your relationship together. Starting to make amends with an apology is a key step to healing and rebuilding the relationship. An effective apology is a multi-step process that includes:^{[4]
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- Acknowledging the wrongful act or behavior
- Understanding you hurt her feelings
- Expressing remorse and an intent not to repeat what you did wrong
- Asking for forgiveness
- Making amends

5

Limit your expectations.

Realize things might not be the same if you get back with her. Work on things with hope and be happy to get a second chance, even if you have to start from scratch. A chance is to rebuild your relationship might make you stronger together in the end. ^{[5]
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- Expectations also put limits on yourself. If you go in thinking things will be impossible, you may not want to work as hard on yourself as you would otherwise. On the other hand, if you go in assuming things will be fine, you’ll be disappointed and more likely to regress.
- Go into this process hopeful and humble and set yourself up for a journey instead of a destination. The important thing isn’t so much whether or not you get her back as a girlfriend as it is whether or not you get back into a healthy relationship at all.

6

Learn from your mistakes.

Building from your mistakes is a way to show her you've grown. If she’s giving you second chance, it’s important you take your experiences and use them to build a stronger foundation for your relationship, and that includes fixing and learning from mistakes.^{[6]
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- This often includes asking some tough questions to start. Are you ready and committed to making this change? Are you clear about what needs to change? What are you most insecure about? How will you address what you need or want in a healthy way?
- This can also mean making a plan or a list of what you need as part of how you will grow. For example, if you were unfaithful, making a list of what you need from a relationship in terms of affection or intimacy can be helpful.
- If you sent too many messages because you were insecure and needed assurance, setting some hard boundaries in a written plan might help. For example, this could mean setting a limit to how many messages you send in one day, not sending messages during or after certain times, or coming up with distractions in case you start having racing thoughts.

7

Start talking to her.

Getting back together means starting again somehow. This doesn’t have to be a grand gesture and in fact, can be as simple as a “hello”. Keeping things easy to start takes the pressure off of you both.^{[7]
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- Ask her how school or work has been lately. If you know a project or goal she’s been working on, you could say something like, “How did that presentation go? I know you worked really hard.”
- You could bring up something mutual like, “Did you ever see that movie we talked about last month? I thought it was amazing! I wish we could’ve gone together”.
- If she doesn’t want to talk to you, she may tell you to stop or not respond at all. If you don’t want to push things, you might have to move on.
- Otherwise, you can take the time to explain that you’d like to apologize and work on things. This admission could be enough to at least let her allow you to talk to her more regularly. Take it slowly and be patient. This is a vulnerable time for both of you.

8

Listen carefully.

Listening builds trust which is important for getting back with her. Look for cues and listen to what she wants and needs. Be very careful to follow her boundaries to the letter as trust in this stage is fragile at best. If you show her you’re capable of listening to her and making an effort to understand her, she may come around more easily.^{[8]
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- If she tells you it’s okay to talk to her but not to send her messages during work or late at night, make a mental note. If you’re not sure, ask her for specific times or schedules. As you keep within these boundaries, she may be willing to open up more as time goes on.
- If a problem in the relationship was that you were being self-absorbed, now would be a time to ask her questions. Listen to her answers and express genuine interest in her. To start things off, you might ask about anything she’s excited about lately like work, school projects, or upcoming trips.

9

Make her laugh.

This might be tough, but it’s a good way to improve the mood. Send her a meme that made her laugh until she cried or tell her a cheesy joke to keep things light. If you remind her how funny you can be, she might be more open to rebuilding things.^{[9]
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- Be careful with this option, especially in early stages. This can come off as you being too aloof or not taking her feelings seriously. Use this option after some time has passed and you’ve been able to talk more regularly.

10

Meet up.

You can’t get back together without seeing each other. Whether it’s to talk things out or to spend time together as friends, it’s important to meet up in a place that feels comfortable and involves plenty of space to talk and spend time together without distraction.^{[10]
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- If you’re in the beginning phases of rebuilding your relationship, going for a walk in the park or out to dinner are two good options.
- Spending time together regularly as friends makes things easier. You can be more casual and relaxed, and she’ll find it easier to open if she doesn’t feel pressure to make things serious or exclusive again right away.

11

Spend time with mutual friends.

Having fun with mutual friends can remind her of good times with you. It gives you both space and distraction if you need it, and spending time with others close to you both can feel much safer and less awkward. Getting your friends to support you in this process will make it even easier to build around.^{[11]
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- While this might be a good option for neutral or safer ground, it may present some more trouble if your friends don’t agree with you about pursuing the relationship. Be clear about where you all stand with this topic first.
- This step might be good at getting you two close, particularly in scenarios where you have to work together. Going out to play some sports with friends could mean you get to be on a team with your ex, and it’ll give you a chance to show your best traits.

12

Flirt with her.

If you want a romantic relationship with her again, start flirting. To start making things more serious, you could start with some light flirting if you’re both comfortable. Not only will this likely bring back good feelings, but it might remind her how charming and attractive you are.^{[12]
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- Don’t take this as a first or even an early step. If the breakup is still fresh, but you’re eager to try and get back together, hold off on flirting anyway. Not only does this show respect for her space and boundaries, it also tests your restraint.
- If she shows any discomfort or uncertainty, back off immediately. Remember, her feelings are just as important as yours in any relationship you build, and it’s more important to have mutual respect first.

13

Show her affection.

Affection is a good way to show her you still care deeply for her. It should be taken slowly, but a simple hug can go a long way to show how comfortable you both are together. If things are still awkward, but she responds well to touch generally, you could try holding her hand or even resting her hand on her arm.^{[13]
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- If need be, have a conversation with her about this throughout the process. Ask her if it’s okay to touch her at all, especially if you feel like she hates you.
- If she’s okay with it, start slowly and gauge if she’s comfortable going further. Being open and honest can lead her to trust you more which will make affection more meaningful.

14

Be intimate and vulnerable.

Getting back together means being yourself in every way. Being intimate doesn’t have to mean anything physical. It could mean talking about your feelings or discussing the past even if it’s painful. If you had trouble with this before, it could be a way to demonstrate how you’ve changed. Trusting her enough to be vulnerable could cue her in that it’s safe for her to do the same. ^{[14]
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- Be open and honest to discussing difficult subjects with her. This could mean anything from your childhood to what you want or need most from her in the relationship.
- This is a good time to ask questions and figure out your boundaries together so you’re on the same page. Talk about how you both can resolve conflict without yelling or getting physical.
- Ask how much affection she’d be comfortable giving and receiving. Tell her what you struggle with most in relationships like jealousy or loneliness, and talk through ways to go about those concerns together.