How to Get Your Wife to Love You Again

Co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: March 10, 2023 References

It can be really hard to feel like your spouse is falling out of love with you. However, even if there's a growing distance between you and your wife, it doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage is over. Look back on where things started to go wrong, and reflect on what you can both do to heal. Then, put in the work to show her that you want to win her back. With time, she may just begin to see you as the person she fell in love with in the first place!

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Getting Started

1
Practice active listening when your wife talks. It can be easy sometimes to get into a habit of just hearing your wife talk, rather than really listening to what she says. To make sure she feels loved and important, try to spend some time each day talking to her without distractions.
- Try repeating back what she says to show her that you're really engaged in the conversation. For instance, you might say, "Ok, so Linda wants us to come over next Saturday? We can do that."
2
Say thank you for the things she does for you. One way you can make your wife feel loved is to let her know how much you appreciate the things she does that keep your life and household running smoothly. Just a simple "Hey babe, the house looks great!" or "Thanks so for helping me remember that appointment yesterday!" can go a long way.^{[1]
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- Try to find at least one thing each day to be thankful for. Not only will this make your wife feel like you really notice the work she does, but when you're focused on finding things to be grateful for, you're more likely to appreciate what you have.
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3
Learn her love language. People express love in different ways, which is called their love language. By understanding what your wife considers the most meaningful expression of love, you can do little things to make sure she knows how important she is to you.^{[2]
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Research source}The 5 love languages are:
- Words of affirmation: verbal expressions of care and affection, like saying "Thank you for helping me out today" or "I love you!"
- Gift-giving: material or immaterial gifts that show appreciation and attention, such as flowers or a card or going out for dinner together.
- Quality time: spending time together doing something engaging that brings you closer together. This could be a hobby or activity or just sitting at home together and watching a movie.
- Physical touch: physical expressions of love, whether that be holding hands, a back massage, or more.
- Acts of service: doing something kind, thoughtful, or helpful for your partner, like cleaning up for them after making dinner or helping them out with a task around the house.
4
Make decisions together if they affect you both. If you go out and buy a new car or a new house without talking to your wife, there's obviously a communication breakdown in your marriage. However, it's important to work together even when you're dealing with smaller choices, like where to go on a family vacation or how to set up your budget for the year. That way, you'll feel more like a unified team, and you'll be on the same page with your goals for your family.^{[3]
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- In addition to including your wife in any decision-making, it's equally important that you be involved. Don't just leave all of the decisions to her, or she might start to feel resentful that she's carrying the burden alone.
5
Express any concerns you have in a constructive way. It's okay to occasionally talk to your wife about roadblocks in your marriage. However, when you do so, try to use non-critical statements that focus mostly on the impact the situation is having on you and your feelings.^{[4]
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- For instance, you might say something like, "Sometimes I feel like you share too many details of our intimate life with your friends, and it makes me feel embarrassed when I'm around them. Could we set some boundaries that we would both be comfortable with?"

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Working Through Problems Together

1
Reflect on what pulled you apart. Spend some time thinking back on your relationship with your wife, from the very beginning through the present. As you do that, try to pinpoint a time when it seems like things changed between you. Sometimes there might be a very clear incident that drove a wedge into your marriage, like an affair or an ugly fight. However, sometimes the answer can be harder to spot, like that one of you struggles with intimacy issues or feels neglected in the marriage.^{[5]
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- Try writing down your thoughts in a journal to keep track of them through this process.
- Don't push yourself to come up with the answer all at once. It can take a long time to get perspective on what led to problems in your marriage.
2
Express accountability for your role in your marital problems. Once you've gotten a good sense of where things started to go wrong, take a good look at what you might have done to contribute to the situation. Then, sit down with your wife and have a conversation where you acknowledge your role in the problems the two of your are having.^{[6]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- For instance, you might say, "Jessica, I know that I let my job come between us, and that made you feel lonely and sad. I'm really committed to making our marriage work, though, and I'd like us to find a solution together."
- Don't focus on things your wife needs to change. Even if it seems like your wife instigated the issue, it's important to understand anything you could or should have done differently. Otherwise, you can't promise to make a change.
3
Ask her what you can do better. Once you've let your wife know that you accept responsibility for your part in the problem, ask her what changes she'd like to see you make in the marriage. Try to get her to give you specific answers on things she'd like you to work on—but give her some time to reflect if she needs it, so she doesn't feel pressured or put on the spot.^{[7]
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- For example, you might say something like, "What could I do that would make you feel more loved and appreciated every day?" or "What are some things I do that hurt you that I might not realize?"
- As you do this, you might be surprised to learn that something you did hurt her, even if you didn't think it was a big deal at the time. However, an important part of apologizing is understanding what you did wrong, so do your best not to get defensive.
- Don't take this as an opportunity to start listing things she does wrong. Instead, listen in a compassionate, empathetic way.
4
Let go of any resentments you're holding onto. If you want your wife to forgive you for anything you've done wrong, you have to be willing to do the same for her, even if it's really hard. Just remind yourself that having a healthy marriage is more important than holding on to hurt feelings, so do your best to forgive your wife for whatever she's done that hurt you.^{[8]
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- Try writing down your feelings in a letter, then tear the letter up and throw it away to symbolically let go of the things inside.
- If you need resolution for any of these things, it's okay to talk to your wife about them. Try saying something like, "Is it okay if I share something that's been bothering me? I don't want to argue about it, but I do want us to be transparent with each other so we can move forward."
5
Take your time. Rebuilding your marriage can take a lot of work, so don't put pressure on yourself or your wife to get it perfect right away. Give yourselves the time and space you need to re-establish trust and communication, and work together to make sure both of your needs are met throughout the process.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Even if the two of you still argue during this time, stay dedicated to proving to your wife that you want to be a reliable, loving person in her life.
6
Consider going to counseling if you're struggling to overcome serious issues. If you or your wife have tried to work together but you can't seem to find common ground, it may be helpful to meet with a licensed marriage and family therapist.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} If your wife is open to it, go together so you can learn new ways to communicate and resolve conflict.^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Try saying something like, "I feel like we're having a hard time moving past this on our own. Would you be open to going to couple's counseling with me so we can figure out how to get better together?"
- Even if your wife is resistant to meeting with a therapist, talking to a counselor on your own may still give you valuable tools for improving your marriage and your personal life in general.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Rebuilding Intimacy in Your Marriage

1
Compliment her every day. When you build up your wife, she's more likely to see you as a supportive, positive person in her life, which can ultimately strengthen your marriage. Each day, think of something about your wife that you really love, respect, or find attractive. Then, find a way to express that to her.^{[12]
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- For instance, if you think her sense of style is great, you might compliment her outfit choice when she gets ready in the morning.
- You might also compliment her personality traits, like how she always makes you laugh or her compassionate nature.
- You could also recognize some of her accomplishments, like being acknowledged by her bosses at work or nailing a project she's been working really hard on.
2
Laugh together as often as possible. When you're talking with your wife, try bringing up a story about a time when something funny happened to the two of you, and have a good laugh as you rehash the details. Something as simple as laughter can help you and your wife feel closer again, even if you've been arguing or you've both had long days.^{[13]
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- On a date night, try going to see a lighthearted comedy at the theater, or visit a comedy club to see a standup act.
3
Touch your wife in warm, non-sexual ways. When you think about intimacy, touch is probably high on the list of things you picture, although you might be thinking of a more romantic sense. However, make sure that you're giving your wife physical attention in non-sexual ways, as well, so she doesn't feel like you're only affectionate when you want physical romance. In addition, adding in more little touches can help you both feel closer to each other.^{[14]
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- For instance, you might give her a warm hug in the morning or when she gets home from work, or you could lightly rub her shoulder when you're standing behind her.
- Over time, this can make your wife feel more safe and comfortable, and it may make her more receptive to flirtatious touching and rekindling your sexual relationship, as well.
4
Reminisce about your dating days to feel more connected. When you're sitting together on the couch, bring up one of your favorite memories from your early days together. Mention little details you remember from the date, like what she was wearing or a cute nervous habit she had. Hearing that you still remember all of those little things about her may help spark that romantic feeling you both felt back then.^{[15]
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- You might say something like, "Do you remember that time we ate at that burger place in Toronto? The food was so good but I could barely taste it because all I could think about was how cute you were. I could tell you were a little nervous because you kept tucking your hair behind your ear, and I just wanted to kiss you!"
5
Try something new together. Getting stuck in a rut doing the same old things can make it hard to feel like your marriage is full of romance and excitement, so break out of your routine and do something new with your wife. Take her on a date, start a new hobby together, or go on vacation somewhere you've never been before. You'll feel closer, and you'll be creating new, happy memories together as you rebuild your marriage.^{[16]
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- Once a month, for example, you might take turns picking out a new restaurant to try.
- You might also surprise her with flowers, tickets to a concert, a day at the spa, or something else you haven't done before.
6
Make it a priority to spend time together. Life gets busy and that can take a toll on your marriage, especially when you're juggling careers, household duties, children, pets, aging parents, hobbies—the list goes on and on. Making your marriage your top priority isn't going to happen by accident, so put some effort into making sure you and your wife get as much time together as possible.^{[17]
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- If you need to, schedule regular time together so the two of you can catch up and unwind, and make sure that at least some of that time is dedicated to just the two of you, where discussions of all of those other pressures in life are off-limits, even for just a little while.^{[18]
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- You don't have to necessarily be doing something to spend time together. Try setting aside a few minutes after everyone else is in bed so the two of you can chat about your days, for instance.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Practicing Self-Care

1
Confront and replace negative thoughts about yourself. When your marriage is struggling, it can be hard to feel good about yourself. However, it's important that when you catch yourself thinking negative things about yourself, you challenge those thoughts and replace them with a positive thought about yourself, instead.^{[19]
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- This is especially true if you have a pattern of difficult relationships—you may have been told throughout your life that you're not good enough, or you might place a lot of blame on yourself for the way things are going.
- For instance, if you find yourself thinking, "I always hurt people and no one will ever love me," you might replace that thought with something like, "Right now, I'm fighting as hard as I can to save my marriage because I love my wife. I'm trying to be the best person I can."
Tip: If you have a hard time doing this, it might be a good idea to meet with a therapist who can help you change your negative thinking patterns.
2
Make time for the things you enjoy. In order to ensure you have the healthiest relationship possible, make sure you still carve out at least a little time for your own hobbies and interests. Otherwise, you might start to feel trapped or resentful. Even if you're not aware of it, these feelings can start to come out, impacting your relationship with your wife.^{[20]
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- For instance, you might go for a run every morning before work, or you might meet your friends one Saturday a month for drinks.
Tip: Try to make it as easy as possible for your wife to have time for her interests, as well. For instance, if you go out with your friends one weekend, you might make sure she has a chance to go out with hers the next.
3
Take care of your body and mind. In order to have a healthy, loving relationship, you have to first be healthy yourself. Eat a healthy diet, get 30 minutes of exercise a day, and practice stress-relieving activities like mindfulness or deep breathing exercises to help you feel more physically and mentally ready to take on the world each day.^{[21]
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- Taking great care of yourself will boost your confidence, which might have the added bonus of making your wife feel more physically attracted to you.
4
Set new goals for yourself and work towards them. It's important to keep pushing yourself in new directions, even if that seems a little scary sometimes. Not only will it give you a personal sense of accomplishment, but it will also show your wife that you're capable of growth, which she's likely to appreciate.^{[22]
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- For instance, if you're unhappy in your career, you might take night classes that will allow you to eventually get a job you'll enjoy more.
- You might also set goals to improve how well you eat, to accomplish things around your home, or to spend more time with your family and friends. Choose personal goals that are important to you!
5
Consider ending the marriage if it's become toxic. Unfortunately, there's only so much you can do to change your relationship with your wife. If she's not willing or able to work toward a healthier marriage with you, it might be best to agree to a separation, or even a divorce if you can't reconcile after a time.^{[23]
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- If your arguments escalate into physical, verbal, or emotional abuse—from either party—your relationship has become toxic. You will likely need professional counseling to overcome those patterns, if they can be changed at all, and it's generally best to separate to ensure the situation doesn't continue to worsen.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do I tell my wife how I feel?

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

Jin S. Kim, MA

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Use "I-statements" to express yourself when talking with your wife. Say things like "I feel..." or "I think that..." instead of "You did..." or "You are...". I-statements are compassionate and kind ways to communicate how you feel in your marriage.
Question

How do I show my wife I care?

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

Jin S. Kim, MA

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Showing you're listening and are interested in what she's saying can go a long way. Put down your phone, look at her while she's talking, and say things like "Oh really?" or "Wow!" to let her know that she's the center of your attention.