This article was co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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Friends can be fickle sometimes, in which case they may either betray you or simply drop you. Or, you may find it hard to make friends because you're new to an area or you've just not found it easy to connect with others for one reason or other.
Not having friends is hard and can leave you feeling lonely, down and even depressed. Being social creatures, we all need others we can rely upon, people we can share stories with and unload our worries onto from time to time. Helping yourself to transition past not having friends is akin to a journey––one in which you need to be very gentle with yourself.
Steps
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1Remember that this situation is temporary. All things pass, and so too does the state of not having friends. Whatever the reasons are for not having them right now, you can tell yourself that this is only a temporary hitch in your life. It is probable that this is a time in your life where you need to have some time alone to realize what you're capable of; to realize what it means to have a true friend, in place of people who simply come and go in your life.
- Keep your feelings in a journal. Writing them out can help you to work out what is causing you to feel sad or afraid about the lack of friends in your life and will also help you with clues about what to do to improve your situation. Letting the thoughts continue to swirl around your head unformed can be unhelpful and confusing––writing will help you to sort it all through.[1]
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2Find things to do. It is important to focus on doing something that can keep you happy and energized in spite of the lack of friendships. This might be a hobby, volunteering, studying or learning new knowledge, learning a new language, taking up computer programming for fun, gardening, cooking or baking, playing guitar, and so on. Choose pastimes and interests that you can really get involved in.[2]
- It is difficult to be alone. But it can be enjoyable if you do something you like.
- Note down all the things you enjoy doing and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. Do the things that make you feel good and are rated between 8 to 10 when you are alone.
- Try new things and see if you can add them to the feel-good activities. For example, you can try mindfulness or meditation, get a workout, prepare healthy food, and clean or organize your space.[3]
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3Choose some activities that guarantee you'll come into contact with other people. If you don't have friends, you won't find them at home. Getting out and about is essential to finding new friends and people with similar interests to yours. Take up a sport, hobby, night class or join a club, group or volunteer organization where you can meet other people. It can be helpful to choose some activities that don't involve the same people you see each day at school, work, etc., as this will broaden the people you come into contact with, thereby increasing your chances of finding people with whom you really click.
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4Be friendly. No matter where you are or what you're doing, be friendly to others at all times. Be civil. Always have a smile at the ready, be ready to nod as you pass by people and greet people when you see them. If you don't feel up to conversing with others, at least say hello and ask how people are. Simply being polite and friendly will cause people to be attracted to you.[4]
- You may be very shy. Use your smile as a shield, to suggest that you're approachable even though you're shy.[5] You don't have to say a lot to people; just show interest in them. "Hi, I'm Mary, what's your name?" is an easy way to start a conversation.
- Complimenting people on their clothing or hairstyle (but only if you mean it) is also a great way to show people that you're interested in talking to them.[6]
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5Travel: If you find yourself visiting other places, remember that traveling involves meeting new people, so be open to find and enjoy whatever piques your interest; you just might end up with a pen pal. As long as you are friendly and polite, being a tourist isn't so different from who you are at "home". Just be yourself.[7] If you do meet someone who is innately friendly with you, don't be afraid to ask people for email contact addresses and Skype names so that you can stay in touch long distance.
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6Go online. Make friends in cyberspace. If you're able to connect with people who have the same interests and sense of humor as you, this can be a fantastic way to make friends. You may even get to meet up some day.[8]
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8Don't be ashamed. Don't see this as a big issue, friendships cannot be forced and if another person decides they don't want to be your friend, that's their choice and is not a reflection on your self-worth. As time goes on, you'll realize that having a few very solid good friends is always worth a great deal more than lots of shallow ones who drop you the instant you cease to serve their purposes. Be strong and look for the people who really matter; indeed, bad situations are often the best test of who will really stand by you, so always look for such people.[11]
Community Q&A
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QuestionI do all these things but no one is my friend, no one talks to me, I am alone and I don't even know why they hate me. I did nothing, what should I do?
mayCommunity AnswerJust live. Don't worry about your life, just live it. Hang out with yourself. And no matter how hard things get, don't inflict any harm on yourself. It will get better.
Warnings
- Solitude is a hotbed for experimentation; be sure you're ready for whatever it is you feel you're ready for.....and don't be afraid to turn down a new experience if you don't feel ready for it.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- Don't stress over not having any friends.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- Don't hurt yourself, whatever you do![12]⧼thumbs_response⧽
References
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-journaling-exercises-to-help-you-manage-your-emotions/
- ↑ https://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/30-new-things-today.html
- ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/fun-activities-no-friends/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-wise-brain/201211/be-friendly
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/there-s-magic-in-your-smile
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-give-a-powerful-compliment/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/201810/how-be-yourself-in-five-simple-steps
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/02/style/facebook-group-shopping.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/buddy-system/201207/friendships-can-siblings-be-friends
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/08/smarter-living/how-to-maintain-sibling-relationships.html
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/making-good-friends.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truth-about-exercise-addiction/201708/15-things-do-instead-self-harming
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