How to Get Over Someone You Love

Co-authored by Amy Chan

Last Updated: October 14, 2022 References Approved

All things must come to an end: that means relationships, too. Getting over someone you love can seem impossible now, but don't worry: there is a light at the end of this tunnel. With time - and the right strategies in place - the pain will start to fade and you'll feel more like yourself again.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Letting It All Out

1
Don't bottle up your emotions. Cry. Bawl your eyes out. Scream into a pillow. Shout obscenities at the wall. During the initial stages of getting over a relationship, you may feel miserable. You need to accept these feelings in order to truly release them and move on with your life.
- Research shows that heartache can present in the brain like an actual pain. Studies show heartbroken respondents' brains resemble that of a person on cocaine withdrawal. However, it seems the best route to overcome heartbreak is to ride the emotions out.^{[1]
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- Denial accomplishes nothing. Bad feelings do not go away just because you ignore them. If anything, ignoring your feelings only increases the risk of having them explode later on.
- If you are the sort of person who needs physical release, consider heading to a gym and taking your grief out on a punching bag or human dummy.
2
Resist the temptation to turn to anger. Part of you might genuinely feel angry. That's fine, but you should avoid twisting or masking your pain with anger. Anger might make you feel less vulnerable, in fact, it probably makes you feel in control and gives you something to direct your energy towards. However, the only way to work past your grief and accept the current situation is to let yourself feel the other emotions lurking beneath the anger.
- Anger is a secondary emotion. The emotions lurking beneath the surface of your anger might be feeling ignored, disappointed, used, unlovable, and rejected. All of these feelings make you feel vulnerable so you use anger as a method of psychological self-soothing.^{[2]
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- To find out what's beneath your anger, listen to your self-talk. If you find yourself thinking, "No one will ever love me", it may symbolize feelings of rejection or being unlovable. Take notice of your thoughts for a day to pinpoint what other emotions you are experiencing.
- Additionally, anger tends to be obsessive. If you badmouth your ex or crush to your friends or fixate on every little thing that person did to “wrong” you, your thoughts are still constantly filled with that person. In other words, anger will bind you in place instead of letting you move on.
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3
Indulge yourself. Buy yourself a box of chocolates or snack on ice cream straight from the tub. Purchase that designer handbag or new gadget you've had your eye on for months. Visit the spa or take yourself to lunch at the new bistro everyone's been raving about. Since you are going through a tough time, you may need to spoil yourself a little to lift your spirits, and that's okay.
- People frequently crave comfort foods when they are not feeling so great. Research shows that mindful indulgences are usually harmless as long as you are not overindulging or neglecting your health.^{[3]
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- That said, you should set limits for yourself. If you get yourself into debt, end up hoarding a houseful of junk, or gain 40 pounds, you will only feel more miserable than before. Indulge yourself, but stick to your means and avoid unhealthy behaviors that are destructive rather than nurturing.
4
Listen to music. You may get the urge to listening to break up music. Contrary to popular belief, listening to sad music will not make you feel worse. Such music can actually help you to feel like someone somewhere shares your pain, and that you're not alone in what you're feeling. Plus, if you cry and sing along, you will have expressed your emotions in a healthy way. When you're done you'll find yourself feeling better for it.^{[4]
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- Listening to music is scientifically known to have therapeutic effects. It can lower your heart rate and relieve stress.^{[5]
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5
Let yourself feel numb. Eventually, after you cry yourself out, you might feel a little numb or “dead inside.” Do not be alarmed. This is a perfectly natural response for many people.
- Oftentimes, this feeling of numbness results from pure exhaustion. Crying and other forms of high-energy emotion can be mentally and physically draining. As a result, after you finish with these cycles of emotion, you can feel too tired to feel anything else.
6
Talk things over with friends. The caring shoulder of a close friend can be a valuable tool to rely on. Sometimes talking about your feelings is a good way to air them out and move on. A friend can help you recognize that what you're feeling is normal. Plus, getting your frustrations out into the open might be help you better understand and resolve them.^{[6]
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- A friend who can give you advice might be a good person to talk to, but any friend willing to listen should be able to help a little. Venting your emotions can be just as important as fixing the matter at hand.
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Give yourself time if you’re struggling to talk about your relationship. A counselor from the Crisis Text Line advises, “Opening up to others about personal relationships can be difficult and takes a lot of courage to do. Try practicing what you would say before going to a friend or family member about sensitive issues. Alternatively, write out what you’d like to say so you don’t forget or ask them for a specific time to sit down together and talk. Remember, only do this when you feel ready. It’s okay if that takes some time.”
7
Keep a journal. If you want to give your friends a break or do not have any you feel comfortable enough to talk to, write your feelings down instead. This practice can also help you release and vent your bottled-up feelings. The mental health benefits of journaling are many. It helps you to clarify your thoughts and feelings, understand yourself better, minimize stress, problem-solve, and resolve disagreements (by writing about them from another's point-of-view).^{[7]
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- You can also use your journal to confess to feelings or events you do not feel brave enough to confess to other people.
8
Limit the amount of time you wallow in grief. While you need to let yourself be sad, you also need to understand that there is a certain point at which it is in your best interest to force yourself to move on. It is not healthy to allow broken relationships to deter you from growing and thriving in other areas of life. Take time for yourself, but don't hesitate to get back out there and live your life abundantly.
- Set a date or general time frame beforehand. Give yourself about half the amount of time you spent in a relationship with your ex or pining after your crush. During this time, mope as much as you need. Afterward, push yourself forward, even if you still feel like moping.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Cutting Ties

1
Avoid unnecessary contact. This means no calling, no emailing, and no “accidentally” bumping into the person in question while he or she happens to be on a daily morning run. If you want to get over someone, you need to put enough distance in between the two of you to give yourself a chance to heal.
- Of course, this can be difficult if you work with or have class with the other person. In this case, the best thing you can do is to limit your interactions to those which are only absolutely essential to your daily life. You do not need to go out of your way to avoid the person you want to get over, but you should not purposefully seek that person out either.
EXPERT TIP

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. Her team of psychologists and coaches has helped hundreds of individuals in just five years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. She has published a book on her work, Breakup Bootcamp.

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach

Your brain needs time to accept that your ex is gone. Amy Chan, founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, says: "When you're with someone, your brain gets used to getting a dose of dopamine when you interact with them. After a breakup, your neural circuits have to be reconstructed to take into account that you're no longer with that person. Over time, if you stop having contact, those neural pathways will weaken. However, each time you make contact, look at old texts, or check their social media, you're activating those old neural connections."
2
Quit cyber-stalking. Stop checking his or her Facebook, Twitter, blog, Pinterest, or any other social media account associated with that person. Fixating on how the other person is doing at the moment will only make it harder for you to move on with your life.
- If you cannot resist the temptation to stalk your obsession's social media accounts while still remaining friends or followers, unfriend or unfollow the person in question.
- If that person once gave you access to his or her passwords, kindly ask that person to change passwords in order to remove the temptation from you to snoop or stalk.
3
Never be intimate with the person in question. This refers to both physical and emotional intimacy. Being with this person makes you comfortable, and may even be convenient. However, continuing to become emotionally intertwined with an ex is not a good idea, because you will have to go through the grieving process all over again after the intimacy is done.^{[8]
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- Do not sleep with an ex “for old times' sake” or fall into the trap of becoming “friends with benefits” with a crush.
- Literally "getting over" someone you want to get over is a bad idea for both sexes, but it can be especially awful for women. Physical intimacy causes women to produce oxytocin, a hormone that triggers feelings of connection and affection.^{[9]
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  Research source} As a result, you will not be able to “get it out of your system.” If anything,you will only feel more bonded to the other person than before.
- Emotional intimacy can be just as risky, even if the two of you were emotionally intimate before. This sort of connection runs on a deeper level, making it even harder to separate yourself from the person in question.
4
Toss out any reminders. Even if you cut ties and avoid communicating directly with the person you want to get over, you might still have a hard time forgetting someone and moving on if your room is filled with reminders of that person.
- Usually, the best thing to do is to pack up any reminders and put them away until you have had enough chance to move on. You could also return certain belongings to the other person - CDs, movies, etc. - instead of ditching them.
- You should actually avoid throwing things out or dramatically setting fire to these painful reminders in an effort to free yourself, no matter how desperate you are to get over someone.^{[10]
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  Research source} Once something is gone, it's gone for good. If you regret the decision to throw out that expensive watch or burn up a poster autographed by a favorite singer you saw in concert with your ex, you might regret it later.
5
Reconcile when ready. Contrary to what you might think, it is possible to be friends with someone you once had feelings for. If friendship proves impossible, then at the very least, you might be able to reestablish enough mutual respect so that the two of you can be in the same room together without shooting daggers from your eyes.
- Do not push yourself to reconcile. If you cannot get over the hurt and reconciling makes things too difficult, you do not need to go through with it.
- Only begin the process after you have already accepted the way things are and no longer have any romantic attachment to the person in question. Relationship experts suggest that you allow the grieving process to commence and take time away from one another. Then, sit down and have a candid conversation about how your friendship will work.^{[11]
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- Limit your efforts. Extend the hand of friendship once. If it gets slapped away, accept that reconciliation is out of the question, and move on.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Living Life and Moving On

1
Leave the house. Take a walk. Go on a trip. Venture out into the great unknown, or even venture into the slightly-less-impressive known. The point is that you will need to get out of bed and physically move on with your life, no matter how much you wish you could spend another day lying around and watching sad movies.
- Get active. Physical activity is one of the best things you can become engaged in while making an effort to get over someone. In contrast, lazing around on the couch day after day can make you feel resentful of yourself.
2
Hang out with other friends.^{[12]
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Research source} Friends can be a great help in getting over someone, even if you have a hard time crying on their shoulders. When you need to feel appreciated and distracted, a night on the town with some close friends can be the perfect prescription.
- Your friends might appreciate this, too, especially if you spent a lot of time neglecting them while in your relationship or chasing after your crush.
- Avoid letting your friends push you into new romances before you feel ready, though.
3
Meet new people. This can seem tremendously difficult, but it can also have a huge impact on how thoroughly you recover. By meeting new people, you allow yourself to see that there are others who may come to appreciate and love you. Similarly, you might also realize that there really are other fish in the sea.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- New friends work just as well as new love interests. If anything, sometimes, new friends can be even better since it relieves the pressure of romantic tension and allows you to avoid the dreaded rebound.
4
Love yourself first.^{[14]
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Research source} Above all else, realize that you are worthy of being loved, no matter what anybody else may think or feel. Create a list of things you love about yourself: your smile, your witty comments, your passion for books, etc. Make sure you are nurturing the parts of yourself you love the most whenever you decide to enter a new relationship.
- Take time to do things you enjoy, especially if you did fewer of these things while you were with your ex or trying to impress your crush.
- Avoid shouldering all the blame. Understand that things just were not meant to be. It doesn't mean that it was your fault or that you are somehow unworthy of being loved.
5
Take your time. Never force yourself back out on the dating scene. Simply put, when you're ready, you're ready. Take it one day at a time and trust yourself to know when you feel ready to love someone in that way again.^{[15]
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- Pushing yourself into a rebound relationship or one night stand may only make you feel worse, especially when you realize that you gave away that sort of intimacy to someone you really were not all that fond of.

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Question

How do I stop loving an ex that is toxic, but keeps trying to antagonize me and make me feel bad?

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Expert Answer

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Ending any relationship is tough. You may not be able to help the feelings that you had for this person and they may not go away, whether that person is toxic or not. The first thing to keep in mind is to be patient with yourself. Give yourself time, cut off communication with the toxic individual, and enlist the support of loved ones, friends, and even a counselor if you feel you need it.
Question

How do I open up to my family about my relationships?

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Opening up to others about personal relationships can be difficult and takes a lot of courage to do. Perhaps practicing what you would say before going to your family might allow you to feel more comfortable having conversations with them about sensitive issues. Other options might be writing out what you’d like to say so you don’t forget or asking them for a specific time to sit down together and talk. Remember to only do this when you feel ready and that it’s okay if that takes some time.