How to Destroy a Narcissist in Court: 11 Effective Tips

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: April 12, 2022 References

Would you like justice so you can release yourself from the control of a narcissist? With proper legal counsel and a solid action plan, that's entirely possible. All you need to do is collect evidence, reach out to allies, and speak your truth. Here, we'll share expert-backed advice about how to make sure a judge notices narcissistic abuse and rules in your favor. Read on to destroy a narcissist in court by exposing who they really are.

1

File a restraining order.

Start creating a paper trail of the narcissist’s abuse. Show you took action ASAP to make sure you’re safe and prevent a narcissist from creating a “smear campaign”—a series of lies about you. Contact a Domestic Violence Case Worker, an advocate trained to place a restraining order. Bring evidence that you’ve been harassed and file a petition for protection with a court in the county where you or the narcissist lives. File your restraining order privately without giving the narcissist any advance notice.^{[1]
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- Contact your local domestic abuse shelter or a victims’ rights non-profit to meet with a Domestic Violence Case Worker who will provide you assistance at no cost to you.
- Start with a “Ex Parte Order for Protection” so you keep the narcissist away before court.
- You’ll need to file a separate restraining order to seek protection on behalf of minors.
- Provide the narcissist’s—or “Respondent’s”—date of birth to verify their identity.

2

Ask for character statements.

Encourage others to vouch for you and your integrity. Request “character reference letters,” written statements from people closest to you—like friends, relatives, or co-workers—that will enhance your reputation in court and explain how reasonable you are. Ask your “character references” to expand on your strong morals and values. Prioritize people who have known you for a long time and have lots of background knowledge about you.^{[2]
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- While character witnesses may not have seen narcissistic abuse, they are a great source of information about how kind and mature you are.
- Your attorney will speak to character witnesses in order to confirm that they’ll help with your case.
- When character witnesses provide details about you, they’re compared to reports written about interactions between you and a narcissist to prove you handle yourself well.

3

Collect witness accounts.

Support your case with perspectives that match your version of events. Reach out to anyone—such as teachers, family friends, or neighbors—who were present when you had any disputes with a narcissist and during any time that the narcissist mistreated you. Make sure that what they saw aligns with the facts as well as your testimony, or personal account. Request that they write a “witness statement” that outlines what they experienced and that they sign it to confirm that it’s true.^{[3]
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- Witnesses may not know you well, but they’re important for a court case because they provide first-hand details about how a narcissist disrespected you.
- Review witness statements in advance so you’re confident that it captures what you want the court to know about the narcissist.
- Witness statements can include what a person saw, heard, or felt when they were around the narcissist.

4

Document everything.

Record any interaction that highlights narcissistic abuse. While it can be a lot of work, it’s important to write down every negative encounter with this individual. Keep a notepad on hand—either on paper or on your phone—where you can create a daily log of every conversation, phone call, and email you’ve exchanged with the narcissist. Your documentation will be invaluable for establishing the routine behavior of this person.^{[4]
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- When you write everything down right away, a narcissist doesn’t have a chance to gaslight you, which happens when they use emotional manipulation to persuade you that events happened differently.

5

Get your attorney to request subpoenas.

That way, you can reach out to people who will testify on your behalf. A “subpoena” is an order that requires an individual to appear in person. They can share their account with the judge and “substantiate,” or verify, that a narcissist has abused you before and that you’ve handled yourself with grace and composure. A subpoena from an ally can prove your case and convince a judge to file for a legal outcome—like a divorce—in your favor.^{[5]
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- Your attorney will usually request a subpoena for you, but a court clerk, justice of the peace or notary public actually issues it. A subpoena is typically served in person.
- You can also use a subpoena to access documents important for your case, such as proof that a narcissist was involved in a domestic abuse case or never paid child support.
- Anyone who receives a subpoena and appears in court will be paid an “attendance fee” and reimbursed for their transportation, so you don’t have to worry about them being inconvenienced.

6

Consult legal professionals.

Entrust trained advocates with all your sensitive information. Avoid any discussion about the case with the narcissist, who is very likely to misrepresent any details you share with them or to claim you’ve acted in a way that you did not. Instead, speak only with your own attorney and any support figures—like victims’ rights advocates—who are trained to prepare you for your day in court. You’ll benefit from professionals who are invested in your success.^{[6]
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- You can contact victims’ rights advocates at a shelter or non-profit organization that assists anyone who has experienced domestic abuse.
- Victims’ rights agencies have trained staff who can help compile legal resources for you.
- ”Legal clinics” offer free advice if you have general questions about your case.
- Depending on your income, you may receive legal assistance at a reduced rate.
- Court staff will not be able to recommend lawyers, but you can search a local directory. Read their bios or reach out and ask if they’ve handled cases with narcissists before.

7

Talk to a therapist before your case.

Open up about your emotions so you’re composed in court. After you deal with a narcissist, it’s only natural to feel a range of negative feelings—like frustration and sadness—and experience trauma or triggers.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} In order to show up as your most cool and collected self, speak with a mental health professional. You’ll not only get some relief, but you’ll also be able to strategize about how you’ll communicate about your experiences in court.^{[8]
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- Anyone who’s faced narcissistic abuse can experience isolation, but a trained counselor can help you open up about your circumstances so you feel heard.
- Therapy sessions can provide emotional release so you feel a lot more at ease during your court case.
- A mental health professional can also point out signs of abuse you might’ve missed so you can include this in your documentation.

8

Arrive early and wait in the consultation room.

Keep yourself away from a narcissist and stay close to your advocates. When you show up well before the court case, this individual won’t have the chance to approach you and try to speak to you. A good rule of thumb is to arrive at least 20 minutes before you appear in court. Meet your attorney in the court building’s consultation room, where you can review the case and decompress.^{[9]
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- You and your attorney can book a consultation room for a certain time that you can have to yourselves.
- Consultation rooms typically have WiFi and projectors so you can go over different documents and rehearse your statements.
- Let your legal advocate know if you need some space and would prefer to sit in silence or distract yourself for a moment.

9

Remain calm on the stand.

Your lack of reactions could upset a narcissist. Since an abusive person thrives off of power dynamics and stirring up negative emotions, refuse to give them the satisfaction.^{[10]
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HelpGuide
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Go to source} Instead, only discuss the facts and objective details. When you address the way you’ve been mistreated and remain mature, you’ll expose the narcissist for who they truly are. As a consequence, they’re likely to melt down in court and engage in “melodrama,” or over-the-top stories, which will probably cause the judge to take your side.
- Narcissists often need constant praise and attention, so if you, your attorney, or witnesses critique them, a narcissist is unlikely to remain level-headed throughout the case.
- If a narcissist does make degrading comments or lose their temper in court, then a judge is likely to compare that to any documentation that suggests the narcissist is abusive.

10

Address only the judge.

This choice helps you ignore any of a narcissist’s intimidation tactics. The narcissist may have a habit of chuckling, glaring at you, or making rude side remarks. When your attorney or the narcissist’s lawyer asks you any questions, look toward the judge and answer in a neutral tone of voice. You’ll take control of the situation, and you might build rapport with the judge.^{[11]
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- Make it clear that you’re speaking to the judge with a comment like, “Your Honor, I’d like to address that claim.”
- Thank the judge for listening to you—you’ll probably come across as polite and respectful.
- A narcissist might “drag you down” and try to bully you in court or even use sad body language to make you pity them. If you avoid any eye contact with them, you’ll be able to think clearly.

11

Prevent the narcissist from changing court orders.

Protect yourself and defend arrangements that work for you. Once the judge has made their decision, avoid any compromises that the narcissist asks for. Instead, remind them that any outcomes—like full custody you received or a divorce that you were granted—were court-ordered and that they need to respect them.^{[12]
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- After the court case, limit or completely avoid contact with the narcissist. That way, you’ll prevent stressful disputes and give yourself peace of mind.
- Contact a victims’ right advocate or an attorney if a narcissist refuses to follow any court-ordered rules or policies.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I avoid narcissists in the future?

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Answer

You'll need to challenge the negative beliefs that the narcissist pressed into you. Unfortunately, narcissists break you down and make you totally focused on them. This can make you attracted to other narcissists since you're used to this dynamic. Challenging these thoughts can help you find a healthy relationship. Working with a therapist is the best way to help yourself heal.

Warnings

Narcissists often try to suck you back in after you leave them, which is called hoovering. They may be really nice to you to get you to forgive them for what happened in the past. However, they haven't really changed.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}

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