How to Decide if You Should Have Kids when You Have Depression

Co-authored by Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD

Last Updated: July 22, 2022 References

Deciding whether or not to have kids can be a tough choice under the best of circumstances. Having depression can complicate the decision even more. You might worry about passing the illness along to your child, having debilitating postpartum depression, or being unable to meet your child’s emotional needs. While many people with depression become excellent parents, there are some extra factors you should take into consideration as you make your decision. Carefully weigh the potential risks and rewards of having children, and think about steps you can take to stay healthy if you do decide to take the plunge into parenthood.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Considering the Risks of Being Depressed and Pregnant

1
Consider your personal and family history of mental illness. Depression has a strong genetic component. Someone whose parents or siblings have had depression has two to three times the average risk of developing the condition themselves. The risk increases even more sharply for people whose close relatives have had multiple depressive periods. While depression isn’t always handed down from parents to children, be aware that it does happen frequently.^{[1]
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- This risk only applies to biological children. Adopted children are not at risk for “catching” depression from a parent, though they may suffer because bonding with a parent experiencing depression may be disrupted or they may model the behaviors of a depressive parent.^{[2]
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2
Talk to your doctor or a counselor. No two cases of depression are quite alike. Your doctor or a mental health professional can help you evaluate whether having children is a good idea for you.^{[3]
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- While a doctor can tell you about your risk of passing on depression to a child, what is currently known is based on just a few genetic markers and how exactly depression might be passed on genetically is largely unknown.^{[4]
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  Research source} A doctor can also advise you about whether you can safely take medications while pregnant and refer you to a counselor for emotional support.
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3
Be aware of the effects of antidepressants on babies in the womb. Any medications you take during pregnancy affect the unborn baby as well. Many antidepressants are known to harm developing babies by causing birth defects, low birth weight, damage to the lungs, and even miscarriages.^{[5]
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Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
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- Some women opt to stop taking their antidepressants when they decide to have a child. Think about whether you would be able to go for nine months without the medications you are accustomed to taking.
4
Learn about the risk of postpartum depression. Postpartum depression is a serious and common form of depression that more than 10% of new moms experience after giving birth. Women who have a history of depression are especially likely to develop postpartum depression.^{[6]
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US Office on Women's Health
U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health
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- Postpartum depression may cause feelings of despair, anger, or emptiness in the weeks or months after giving birth. Many mothers with postpartum depression feel unable to bond with their baby or struggle with intrusive thoughts about hurting themselves or the baby.
- Without treatment, postpartum depression can persist for years after giving birth.^{[7]
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- Studies have found that therapy may be a better treatment as compared to medication.^{[8]
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  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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5
Understand the emotional demands of raising a child. Babies and toddlers need a lot of attention and love to develop socially and emotionally. Depressed parents sometimes have a hard time giving their children the affection and discipline they need. Ask yourself whether you feel prepared to provide for a child emotionally, not just physically.^{[9]
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- Children whose parents are emotionally absent may have developmental delays or behavioral problems.
6
Know that you can live a fulfilled life without having children. Studies have found that there is no significant difference in happiness between older adults with children and those who are child-free. Deciding to stay child free for medical or personal reasons won’t doom you to a meaningless or lonely life.^{[10]
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- Some cultures and families place a lot of importance on having kids. If you’re feeling pressured, remember that what works for one person won’t work for another. There are many good reasons to have children, but doing it simply to make somebody else happy isn’t one of them.
- Being child-free doesn’t mean you’re selfish. Sometimes not having children is the responsible choice. Friendships, careers, volunteer work, and creative work are all meaningful ways child-free people can contribute to the world.
- In fact, a recent study has found that parents are more likely to be depressed than their child-free counterparts. People without kids were found to be happier than any other group, including empty nesters.^{[11]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Understanding the Effects of Depression on Parenting

1
Know that a father's depression can affect children, too. A lot of research focuses on the depressed mother's impact on her children. The father's depression, however, also influences a child's mental well-being. Different from depressed mothers, who may have trouble developing a bond with their children, men have a tendency to repress their emotion and, instead, act out in anger.
- As a result of living with one or both parents who are suffering from depression, children in this environment are likely to develop anxiety or depression themselves. In addition, these children also have trouble socializing at school, perform poorly in academics, and are more likely to engage in risk-taking activities.
- Therefore, even if you are a woman who is planning to conceive, the mental health of your partner is just as instrumental in the healthy development of your children.
2
Consider the stability of the relationship between you and your partner. Research has shown that even when a father is depressed, having a supportive spouse or partner can buffer the negative effects of his condition.^{[12]
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Research source} That means that when a father feels listened to and supported his depression is less likely to have a negative impact on his children.
- If you are a male suffering from depression, it's vital that you and your partner work on the health of your relationship in order to counteract how depression affects your children.
- If you feel emotionally supported by your partner, that's great. However, if you do not, it may be beneficial to attend couples therapy before deciding to have children.
3
Learn how to cope with a depressed partner.^{[13]
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Research source} Since emotional stability within the parental relationship is essential to raising healthy kids, it's important for partners of the depressed to learn how to recognize signs of an oncoming depressive episode and plan accordingly.
- If you notice your partner becoming more irritable, withdrawn, sad, or making remarks about suicide, seek professional help right away to minimize the effects on your marriage or partnership and on any children in the household. Call your partner's doctor or therapist and seek support from family and friends to help you get through these episodes.
- Have a plan in place in case one or both parents are prone to depressive episodes to reduce the effects this could have on your children. Write down triggers and the best kind of action you can take to deal with or avoid them.
- In addition to being aware when your partner is feeling depressed, you will also need to take care of yourself so that you can continue parenting when your partner is incapable. Practice regular stress-management with deep breathing or meditation. Get plenty of rest and consume a healthy, nutritious diet. Leading an overall healthy lifestyle can positively impact everyone in your household, even the depressed person.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Weighing the Potential Benefits

1
Think about whether you would regret never having children. Some people wish to have children so much that they actually run the risk of becoming depressed if they remain childless. If you want children and think you would be unhappy if you never had any, starting a family may be the right choice for you.^{[14]
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- If you are concerned about having biological children for medical reasons, consider adoption, which carries no risk of passing on depressive genes.
- On the other hand, think about your partner's wishes when making this decision, too. Maybe you are depressed, but your partner is deeply committed to having children anyway. Are you willing to manage depression and parenting to make your partner happy? Or, is your partner willing to take on more of the burden of parenting when you are depressed?
2
Know that some people's depression declines after having children. Some parents report having fewer depressive episodes or an easier time managing their depression after their children are born. Prioritizing the physical and emotional needs of kids helps some parents focus less on their own mood. Others experience a newfound sense of purpose and joy in raising their children. Your carefree and playful side may more easily come through when you are around kids.^{[15]
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- Everyone reacts differently to having kids. It’s not a good idea to have a baby in hopes your depression will go away. However, if you really want children, know that having them won’t necessarily make your depression worse.
3
Understand that no children are born and raised in ideal circumstances. Perfect parents don’t exist, and neither does a perfect upbringing. Everyone faces issues of one kind or another during childhood, like financial hardship, illness in the family, or personal difficulties with school or friends. While it’s not ideal for a child to have a parent with depression, know that no other circumstance you could bring a child into would be perfectly ideal, either.^{[16]
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4
Be aware that depressive genes may have benefits, too. The same genes that are linked to conditions like depression, anxiety, and addiction may also provide benefits like heightened emotional awareness and better memory. Mood disorders are also correlated with greater creative expression. Children with these genes who are raised in stable, healthy homes may experience these benefits without developing mental health problems.^{[17]
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Staying Healthy

1
Consult your doctor to develop a plan. If you have depression now or have had it in the past, it’s important to make a health plan before you become pregnant. You may need to take special precautions for a healthy pregnancy. Your doctor might refer you to a counselor or advise you about lifestyle changes you should make before trying to conceive.^{[18]
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2
Talk to your partner. If you are depressed, make sure you and your partner are on the same page about how your health may affect plans for having children. Be honest with them about your needs and concerns. A supportive and committed partner can make all the difference in helping you raise well-adjusted, emotionally healthy kids.
- If at any point you feel like you are relapsing into depression, let your partner know right away. They can help you get the support you need.
- If you are single, identify some family members or close friends you can turn to for emotional support and day-to-day assistance. If it is financially feasible for you, consider hiring household help during your pregnancy to keep your stress levels down.
3
Know the warning signs of relapse. Depression can be sneaky when it comes back. If you find yourself feeling sad or tired more often than usual, snapping at the people close to you, or not enjoying your favorite activities anymore, it could be a red flag. If your symptoms last more than a week or two, see your doctor or counselor.^{[19]
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4
Think carefully about whether to take medication during pregnancy. Antidepressants pose a number of serious health risks to babies in the womb. However, untreated depression and anxiety can also be dangerous to an unborn baby’s health, as well as to your own. Talk to your doctor about the safest choice for you and your baby.
- Some antidepressants can cause birth defects, miscarriages, and cognitive problems later in life. However, untreated mental health problems can also cause miscarriages, as well as low birth weight, premature birth, and lifelong changes to a child’s brain structure.^{[20]
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  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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5
See a counselor before, during, and after pregnancy. Having a baby can be a difficult adjustment even for parents who are in good health. For parents with depression, the challenge is even greater. A counselor or therapist can help you deal with the intense emotions and hormonal swings of pregnancy and childbirth.^{[21]
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- Support groups related to either depression or parenting can also be a great resource for coping.

Expert Q&A

Question

Can you genetically inherit depression?

Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Elizabeth Weiss is a licensed clinical psychologist in Palo Alto, California. She received her Psy.D. in 2009 at Palo Alto University's PGSP-Stanford PsyD Consortium. She specializes in trauma, grief, and resilience, and helps people reconnect with their full self after difficult and traumatic experiences.

Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Sometimes. Take nature vs. nurture into account when you're weighing the decision to have kids. There can be a genetic link to depression. However, if your parents had trouble dealing with their emotions, you might not have learned to deal with yours in a healthy way, either. Nobody wants to sit around being sad, but if you can learn to be sad in healthy, mindful ways, then you can heal and go forward, and you can be motivated to join life again. That can change how you pass those problems along to the next generation.