How to Deal with a Toxic Mother

Co-authored by Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S

Last Updated: December 3, 2022 References

While toxic relationships are not limited to parent-child relationships, they are often the most damaging because parents are responsible for shaping how their children view themselves and the world around them. Simply put, a toxic relationship jeopardizes your mental, psychological, or physical well-being. This article will teach you how to identify and deal with a toxic mother.^{[1]
X
Research source}

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Identifying a Toxic Mother

1
Acknowledge that a toxic mother may use manipulation to get what she wants. Manipulation is a defining characteristic of a toxic parent. A manipulative person attempts to change the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors of another person for their own benefit. This is frequently done in a covert manner. If you suspect you are being manipulated, consider whether your thoughts, feelings, and actions are your own or appear to be influenced by someone else.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- This is more common in parents with serious manipulative personality/mental disorders, such as Borderline Personality Disorder.
2
Acknowledge that many toxic parents tend to be overly controlling. If you have ever felt as if your mother has tried to control what you think, feel, or do, she may be toxic. Even as an adult, your mother may have decided what college you would attend, who you would date, or what clothes you would wear. A toxic mother's behavior is sometimes accompanied by controlling tendencies.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- This can be damaging, since having a controlling parent can also prevent you from learning necessary skills for adulthood. When it comes to being an adult, you may feel insecure or lost.
Advertisement
3
Know toxic mothers often ignore boundaries. A mother's failure to respect boundaries is one of her most common characteristics of a toxic parent. You may have tried to establish boundaries in your relationship only to have them ignored.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- For example, you may have requested that she respect your privacy, only to discover that she has been reading your journal entries or snooping on your social media.
- This is more common in mother-daughter relationships, where mothers infringe on their daughters' privacy because they are both women.
- If these issues persist into adulthood, it is critical to recognize them and inform your parents that you will not tolerate this type of behavior. If it's constantly bothering you, it might be time to limit the amount of communication you allow from that parent since this can be damaging in the long run.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
4
Realize most toxic parents lack empathy. Empathy is the ability to consider and comprehend the emotional experience of another person. Toxic parents rarely make an effort to understand their children's problems. Children learn how to empathize with others by witnessing empathy in their parents. Toxic mothers frequently lack empathy for their children and express love, understanding, and warmth inconsistently or hardly ever.^{[6]
X
Research source}^{[7]
X
Research source}
5
Understand that toxic parents often blame their kids. Toxic parents frequently blame their children for their own problems and events that are unrelated to them. For example, if a parent is constantly upset about a dirty house, they are likely to blame their child for the mess, even if their child had no involvement in its creation.^{[8]
X
Research source}
6
Recognize that toxic parents will put their kids down. You may be in a toxic relationship if your mother minimizes or dismisses your accomplishments. Because many mothers have insecurities of their own, she may be unable to be proud of you. This is particularly painful because it is a common desire to seek acceptance from one's parents.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- If your mother minimizes or dismisses your achievements, you may be in a destructive relationship with her. You might discover that no matter what you do, you'll never truly feel as if you've earned your mother's approval.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Dealing with a Toxic Mother

1
Set boundaries that are beneficial to you. It may be necessary to set some boundaries when dealing with a toxic mother. You may become codependent in your quest for your mother's love or approval. A healthy boundary might be limiting the number of phone calls you accept from your parent or informing them that they cannot drop by your house unannounced. Explain these boundaries to your parents in a clear but gentle manner, and then stand by them by keeping your word. ^{[10]
X
Research source}^{[11]
X
Research source}
- When setting boundaries, do your best to recognize your self-worth as important and get clear on what you need and what is important to you.
- Figure out what behaviors you will no longer tolerate—if necessary, talk to a therapist about this so you can learn to better stand up for yourself. State it clearly and matter of fact, without hesitation or defensiveness.
- Remember that boundaries are not negotiable, and a toxic parent will do whatever it takes to win the negotiation.
- You have to be clear, direct and firm. And decide on what the consequences will be for violating those boundaries.
2
Limit the time you spend with your mother. Spending time apart from her, whether on the phone or in-person, may help relieve some of the burdens of having to interact with her while still allowing you to have a relationship with her.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- Remember that familiarity breeds contempt, so a little distance works wonders. It will not only give you some peace, but it will also give you time to decide and think about how you want to handle the relationship in the future.
3
Don't try to change your mom. Some people and children have the fantasy that they can change their parents into the people they want them to be, but changing someone else is impossible. Instead, concentrate on what you can control, such as how you react to toxicity. Keep your attention on what you can change, such as limiting your time with her.^{[13]
X
Research source}
4
Get outside help if necessary. Healing is possible if you were raised by a toxic mother. If dealing with a toxic parent is causing you significant stress, you may benefit from seeking professional assistance. Family dynamics are often difficult and complicated. If you have a toxic mother, you may be afraid to admit that you have mixed feelings about her. Therapy allows you to reflect on how your childhood experiences shaped the way you think, feel, and behave toward yourself and others.
- If your mother agrees to work on herself, family therapy is a great idea. Family therapy is a type of psychological counseling (psychotherapy) that can assist family members in improving communication and conflict resolution. A psychologist, clinical social worker, or licensed therapist is usually in charge of family therapy.^{[14]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
5
Speak up when necessary. While picking fights to argue with a toxic mother is not a good idea, practicing voicing your needs can help you form healthy relationships with others by voicing your needs and saying how you feel. This will also help you avoid constantly seeking approval from others and stand up for yourself.
6
Practice self-care. Take care of yourself and your basic needs by eating nutritious foods, This could be accomplished through sports, exercise, or art. The important thing here is to find a constructive outlet for your emotions, such as painting, playing an instrument, or creating art.^{[15]
X
Research source}

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Coping with a Toxic Mother

1
Create a support group. Your support system can be useful in coping with the stress caused by toxic parent relationships. If you need to vent or brainstorm solutions, don't be afraid to reach out to loved ones or trusted friends. Consider joining a support group for children of toxic parents if you don't feel like you have enough positive support.^{[16]
X
Research source}
2
Find ways to destress. If you and your mother argue, or if your mother's behavior/actions are too much for you to bear, you'll need a way to unwind. Try something new, like journaling or exercising. You could also unwind by doing things like meditation, yoga, listening to music, or taking a warm bath/shower.^{[17]
X
Research source}
3
Have another place to go when things get stressful. This could be a family member's home, a friend's home, or somewhere else where you can be yourself and get away from your mother when you need a break or things get heated between you too.
4
Talk to someone if things get serious. If your mother ever hurts you physically, emotionally, or mentally, tell a teacher, counselor, trusted family member, or call local authorities/911.