How to Deal with Multiple Rejections

Co-authored by Lisa Shield and Kira Jan

Last Updated: October 14, 2022 References

What do Oprah Winfrey, Steve Jobs, and J.K. Rowling have in common? They all faced rejection at one point or another before they became super successful.^{[1]
X
Research source} In fact, everyone experiences rejection from time to time, whether it’s getting turned down for a job or a date. It can feel super tough when you feel like you’ve been hearing “no” than “yes.” The good news is that dealing with rejection in a productive, healthy way will build your resilience, and hearing “no” multiple times just means you get more chances to build your mental toughness and strength.

1

Express your emotions.

Write down, talk about, or reflect on how you feel. It’s okay (and totally normal) to feel hurt, angry, sad, and disappointed after facing a lot of rejection. Acknowledge those feelings and be compassionate towards yourself to help you move forward and accept that you went through a difficult experience. The negative feelings will pass, and you’ll come out of this situation even stronger.^{[2]
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- Name how you feel and describe why you’re feeling that way: “I feel really disappointed that I haven’t gotten a job after so many final round interviews, because it makes me feel like I’m not good enough.”
- Telling someone else how you feel can help you realize that other people have been through similar situations.

2

Give yourself credit for trying.

Congratulate yourself for putting yourself out there. Reflect on aspects of the situations where you did well or let your strengths shine. After all, if you faced rejection multiple times, that means you took a risk or tried something out and had the guts to keep going!^{[3]
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- “I was afraid of auditioning for those bands, but I played a great solo, even if they didn’t pick me.”
- “It took a lot of courage to ask that boy out. Not everyone would’ve tried that!”

3

Acknowledge external factors behind the rejections.

Rejection might not have anything to do with you! Sometimes circumstances, timing, or other factors get in the way. Instead of coming up with a blaming statement about yourself or your personality, take a step back and think about the external circumstances that might have caused the rejections.
- A company may not have hired you because they decided not to fill the position, or maybe the role wouldn’t have been right for you.^{[4]
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- Someone who canceled a date or flaked on an outing might have been overwhelmed in their personal or work life.

4

Keep each rejection in perspective.

Avoid all-or-nothing thinking to stop multiple rejections from feeling overwhelming. Look out for the words “always,” “never,” “everyone/no one,” “can’t,” “totally,” and “ruined” in your thinking. Recognize that those keywords signal distorted thinking that doesn’t reflect reality or how amazing you are. Multiple rejections are just that—a few people saying no—and they don’t mean you won’t succeed in the future or that you should stop trying!^{[5]
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- Change “I can’t get a girlfriend. No one wants to date me” into “I haven’t found the right match yet.”
- Change “I never score a goal” to “I’ve made some good assists in the last games, and I’m working hard.”

5

Make a list of your good qualities and strengths.

Write down 5 good things about yourself to rebuild your self-esteem. Ditch the self-criticism and treat yourself with the kindness you’d treat a friend. Once you’ve listed 5 good qualities, pick one quality and write a paragraph about why that trait matters to other people. We’d be able to write a huge list of your best qualities! Check out these examples for some inspiration:^{[6]
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- “I’d make a good boyfriend because I’m considerate, I cook fantastic spinach ravioli, I’m kind to others, I’m loyal, and I’m a good listener.”
- “I’m a good employee because I’m a team player, I work hard at my job, I pay attention to my coworkers’ needs, I try to help others whenever I can, and I persevere through tough assignments.”

6

Create a mental inventory of things to be grateful for.

Take stock of the opportunities and incredible things you have.^{[7]
X
Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source} Try to separate other people’s opinions from how you see yourself and your life. It’s easier said than done, but understand that rejection is just one person’s opinion or one group’s opinion that doesn’t define you.^{[8]
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- "I have an incredible family and I got to present at the conference in Vegas."
- "We spent three good years together, and I'm grateful for that time, even if it didn't work out."

7

Connect with other people.

Reach out to friends, family, and coworkers. Remind yourself that others appreciate and love you! Spending time with other people can restore your sense of belonging, since rejection can mess with how we value ourselves.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 11 March 2021.} As you spend time with others, recognize how much your presence brings joy and meaning to others’ lives.^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- Call a family member.
- Reach out to colleagues to grab a meal.
- Spend quality time with your children or loved ones.

8

Ask yourself “How can I grow from this?”

Use the experience as a chance to improve yourself. Reflect on the interaction (job interview, date, social situation) and see if you can pinpoint any skills or traits you can work on.^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source} Compare your goals to your skills/experience and reset your goals or brush up on your skills if you find a big gap between your aspirations and abilities.^{[12]
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- Identify aspects of your life where you need a confidence or skill boost: “Are there areas where I need to improve?”
- Determine what knowledge or resources you need to do better next time: “What else do I need to learn to accomplish my goals?” Read books to get more information.^{[13]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 March 2021.}

9

Don’t give up.

Try a new approach to help you achieve what you want. Repeated rejection can make us fall into “learned helplessness” when we stop trying and stop putting in effort. Instead of slipping into learned helplessness, shift your goals or actions slightly if you find the path or set of actions you’re taking aren’t working.^{[14]
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- If you were rejected from multiple jobs, take a step back from applying and try networking or learn a new skill. Schedule informational interviews with people in your industry to find out how they became successful. Take a relevant online course to add to your resume.
- If someone you were pursuing romantically turned you down, try switching up your approach to dating by trying out a dating app or asking a friend to set you up. Take advice from a dating coach.^{[15]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 March 2021.} Keep an open mind towards potential romantic partners and don’t be afraid to go on a few first dates with different people.

10

Set realistic expectations moving forward.

Prevent feelings of rejection by understanding the odds of your success. Go after future opportunities with knowledge about how likely you are to succeed so that you can prepare yourself emotionally if it doesn’t work out. Feel free to go after long-shot opportunities, but just understand that rejection when the odds are slim doesn’t say anything negative about you.^{[16]
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- Ask yourself, “Is it worth it to me to continue pursuing this opportunity, even after being rejected?”
- Check in with yourself, “Should I change my expectations about this scenario or relationship?”

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I avoid the suffering caused by rejection?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

You should have family and friends who can help you when you are feeling hurt. You can try to understand the reason for your rejection by reading books. Besides this, you can also learn how to rectify your mistake.
Question

Should I hire a coach to overcome the fear of rejection?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

A coach can give you the correct guidance and help you to overcome your fears. They can help you to proceed confidently in your relationships.