How to Deal with High Conflict Personalities

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Last Updated: July 24, 2022 References

Some people can be difficult to deal with, others can be a nightmare. High-conflict people (HCPs) thrive on conflict, and unfortunately, your normal, natural defensive responses to aggressive behavior can actually make things even worse. However, there are things you can do to effectively deal with HCPs. We’ve put together a helpful list of things you can try to make dealing with any HCPs in your life a little easier.

1

Stay calm when they start to get agitated.

Control your body language and tone of voice. You can recognize the signs that they’re getting worked up. They’ll start raising their voice or get aggressive. You can’t control their behavior, but you can control yours. Keep your emotions out of it and avoid the temptation to shout back or insult them back. It’ll only make them angrier.

2

Let them tell their dramatic story.

Pay brief attention and then tell them you have to do something. If they approach you already upset about something, allow them to talk about whatever it is that’s got them worked up. When they’re finished, tell them that you have something that you need to do so you can leave the conversation without making them feel like you’re ignoring them.^{[1]
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- You could say something like, “I’m sorry to hear that happened, but I need to finish this project I’m working on.”

3

Respond direct hostility with brief responses.

Keep it brief, informative, friendly, and firm (BIFF). If they start attacking you directly, don’t give in to the urge to respond in kind. Instead, use short responses that are firm but friendly so they don’t have any extra fuel to feed their emotional fire.^{[2]
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- For example, if they approach you saying something like, “I can’t believe you would do something like that! Are you stupid? What is wrong with you?” You could respond with something like, “No, I’m not. I wasn’t trained on how to do that.”

4

Focus on the future instead of past mistakes.

Talk about what you can do now, not what you did before. People with HCP are often preoccupied with perceived insults or events from the past. Redirect their angry energy by focusing on what you can do right now and in the future. Force them to address a current problem or task rather than discussing what happened in the past.^{[3]
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- For instance, you could say something like, “That may have been true in the past, but right now we need to choose one of these two options.”

5

Try not to be emotionally threatening.

Maintain a calm composure and keep your emotions in check. If you fight fire with fire, you’re going to get burned, especially if you’re dealing with someone with HCP. Always stay calm and cool as a cucumber. Remember that they can’t control you and anything you try to say back to them will only make them more aggressive.^{[4]
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6

Don’t try to give them insight into themselves.

You can’t make an HCP person understand what they’re doing is wrong. You may feel tempted to try to explain how their behavior isn’t acceptable, but unfortunately, that isn’t an effective strategy for people with HCP. All you can do is control your own reactions and use strategies to redirect their negative energy.^{[5]
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7

Explain the consequences of their behavior.

Set limits by calmly telling them what their actions will cause. Instead of trying to tell them that their behavior is unacceptable (which it is), give them concrete examples of the possible consequences of their actions. Even though they’re overly aggressive, they’ll likely be able to appreciate that they can get themselves in trouble and will avoid behavior that can cause it.^{[6]
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- For instance, you could say something like, “Listen, John, if they hear you say that, you’re going to lose the contract.”

8

Avoid giving negative feedback.

Communicate that you want to help them in a positive way. If there’s a problem with something or if they made a mistake, try not to tell them how wrong they are. Instead, try to redirect their focus to a solution with a positive guiding hand.^{[7]
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- Instead of saying, “You didn’t do the reports right,” you could say, “Look, you want to have the costs up in front so it’s easier for the client to see.”

9

Don’t take their attacks personally.

Normal defensive reactions will only make things worse. Sometimes people with HCP can resort to direct personal attacks. Remember that they can’t control your reactions, only you can do that. Keep in mind that they’re not behaving rationally, and avoid the urge to fight back with insults or personal attacks.^{[8]
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10

Never tell them they have a personality disorder.

Even if they do, it’ll only set them off even further. Keep a calm and cool head whenever they’re having one of their emotional episodes. Use your brief, friendly responses to get through it.^{[9]
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