How to Deal With a Possessive Boyfriend

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: February 23, 2021

While it is great to feel loved and cherished, there is a fine line between caring behavior and possessive behavior. If you feel like your boyfriend is or is becoming possessive, you should address the issue as quickly as possible. While possessive behavior is usually rooted in low self-esteem, a possessive partner will turn these feelings back on you.^{[1]
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Research source} A possessive boyfriend may make it difficult for you to form your own opinions and feelings and might make you feel bad for having a life independent from him.^{[2]
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Research source} He may try to stop you from seeing your friends and attempt to take gradual control of your life.^{[3]
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Research source} Without you putting a stop to it, this behavior will likely escalate; however, there are ways you can deal with a possessive boyfriend.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Mending a Relationship with a Possessive Boyfriend

1
Describe your feelings. Your boyfriend may not know he’s behaving in a way that feels possessive to you. Maybe this is his first relationship, or maybe his last girlfriend had a personality different to your own. He may be going through an event in his own life that is causing him to pull you closer than you’d prefer. Talking about your wants and needs in the relationship is always a good place to start.
- Try beginning with examples: “When you call me multiple times when I’m with my girlfriends, I start to feel like you don’t trust me” or “It really troubles me when you don’t talk to me after I hang out with my guy friends.”
- Provide specific instances of when you felt he was being possessive: “I felt really upset when we were at the football game and you gave me the silent treatment after I played horseshoes with my college friends.”
- Avoid calling names; for instance, don’t call him “possessive.” Instead, you may want to say that you felt like his behavior was overly possessive and you felt suffocated. Calling names can result in an argument, but expressing your feelings should not.
2
Discuss the behaviors you feel are unacceptable. This should be an explicit and private discussion in which you can openly talk about the types of behaviors that you do not want to tolerate in a relationship. These should be limited to issues that you are not willing to compromise on. Here are some examples of behaviors that you may feel are unacceptable:
- Asking you to stop hanging out with your friends, especially male friends, without a good reason.
- Telling you what to wear, or making comments if he feels you are wearing something “inappropriate.”
- Calling or texting you repeatedly while you are away from him.
- Going through your phone, email, or personal belongings.
- Requiring explanations for your every move throughout the day.
- Making you feel guilty for needing to change plans for a legitimate reason.
- Giving you ultimatums or making threats if you aren’t making enough time for him.
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3
Explain your needs in your relationship. Your boyfriend may not know your unique needs in your relationship, so it is important that you communicate with him. This may help to alleviate his possessive behavior.
- Explain your need for independent lives. Tell your boyfriend that even though you love spending time with him, it is important for you to be able to spend time with your friends and family as well. Having a life outside of your partner is a very important part of a healthy relationship^{[4]
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  Research source} Encourage him to spend time with his friends and family without you, too.
- Communicate your desire to be trusted. Just as you trust him, he should be able to trust you as well. This is the cornerstone of healthy relationships.
- Negotiate some rules for your relationship: for example, both of you should be allowed to have and spend time with friends of the opposite sex; however, complete honesty, loyalty, and monogamy are to be expected.
4
Discuss your commitment to your relationship. Possessive behavior is most commonly rooted in low self-esteem and insecurity. ^{[5]
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Research source} If your boyfriend’s possessive behavior is mild, it may be worth it to remind him that you are committed to your relationship and he has no need to be concerned about your intentions.
- Verbal affirmations are a powerful way to reassure your boyfriend. A simple “I love you and only you” can often do the trick.
5
Include him in plans with your friends. Often, his possessiveness will come from jealously as well as insecurity.^{[6]
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Research source} Involving your boyfriend in some of your friend group’s activities can help him feel more comfortable about the life you lead when he’s not around.
- In particular, it may be helpful to have your boyfriend meet your male friends. He may feel uncomfortable about other males with whom you spend time. However, this is not a reason for you to stop spending time with them; instead, invite your boyfriend along to show him that there is no threat to your relationship.
6
Give your relationship time to heal. After you’ve had a talk in which you explain negative feelings you’ve been having about your relationships, both of your emotions may be running high. This is a good time to take some time apart and reflect on what you’ve discussed, before coming back together and attempting to have a happier and healthier relationship than before.
- Be aware that progress takes time. Your boyfriend will not change overnight. You must be willing to put in time and effort to help these changes in his possessive behavior take place.
- Don’t be afraid to point out when he relapses into his possessive ways. Don’t let him get away with it when he does. Instead, call him out on the behavior immediately and explain to him how it makes you feel.
- Encourage him when he’s loving without being possessive. When he behaves in a way that you appreciate, tell him. This will make him want to do it more often.
7
Be realistic about whether your relationship is worth fixing. If your boyfriend wants to change his behavior and is willing to respect your feelings and listen to your wants and needs in your relationship, you may be willing to give your relationship another shot. However, if you are feeling depressed, scared, anxious, or fearful, you should leave the relationship.
- Remember that as much as you want him to change, you cannot change him. He must be willing to initiate and follow through with the change in his own behavior.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Removing Yourself from the Situation

1
Prepare to break up with your possessive boyfriend. If your boyfriend’s possessive behavior is escalating, or is already at a concerning level, it is important to recognize that you probably cannot change him (at least not without professional guidance). His desire to control his partner may be a part of his personality, but it is one you should not have to put up with. It is then time to break up.
- Plan what you want to say. Remember that your opinion matters and that you deserve to be listened to. Do not let your possessive boyfriend turn the guilt back around on you- remember that you are the one ending this relationship, and you are doing it for a valid and legitimate reason.
2
Go through with the breakup. Breakups are never easy, and they can be especially hard if you were the one being controlled in a possessive relationship.
- Pick a place and time to break up with your boyfriend. While breaking up is usually best done face-to-face, a possessive boyfriend may behave in an overemotional or abusive way.
  - A well-populated public place may be the safest for a breakup if you feel in any way concerned about the possible reaction of your boyfriend.
- Share your intention to break up with your possessive boyfriend with a trusted friend or family member. Ask this person to hold you accountable for going through with it.
- Make him let you speak. You should be able to tell him what you want to tell him without being interrupted. As long as you do it in a controlled and civil way, he should listen.
- Don’t linger. After you say what you need to say, and give him a chance to respond, remove yourself form the situation. Give it time to settle down before you are in contact again.
3
Prepare yourself for potential backlash. If your boyfriend was possessive while you were dating, he will likely carry this behavior through your breakup. Being prepared for this can help you deal with it when the time comes.
- Beware of his attempts to guilt you into staying with him. This may come in the form of “Do you remember that one time we walked on the beach at sunrise?” or it may come in the form of a more serious threat (such as to end his own life). The important thing is that you recognize that this is emotional manipulation- do not tolerate it!
  - If your ex-boyfriend is threatening harm to himself or others, it is essential that you let someone know immediately. Call 911 if you believe he or anyone else may be in immediate danger.
- Stick to your guns. Regardless of your boyfriend’s reaction, remember that you made the wise choice to end an unhealthy relationship.
4
Get support from friends and family. You should ask for help or support from your true friends and family in whatever capacity you need. You might need them to reconfirm your choice to end your relationship, or to remind you of some of the concerning behavior of your now ex-boyfriend.
- Reconnecting with the people that you may have lost during your relationship with your possessive boyfriend can be a helpful part of moving on from that unhealthy relationship.
5
Get professional help if you need it. Removing yourself from a possessive relationship can be challenging. However, fear of being alone is not reason enough to stay with someone who you feel is controlling you. A counselor can help you deal with any negative feelings that you have and can help you deal with the pain of ending a relationship.
- Talking through your relationship can be a healthy way to come to terms with the fact that the behavior of your partner was wrong.
6
Give yourself time to heal. Whether it was good or bad, ending a relationship is never easy. Taking time alone before beginning a new relationship is advisable. When you are ready, here are some things you should do to begin to move on from your relationship with your possessive boyfriend:
- Reflect on the ups and downs of your last relationship. It is important that you recognize that there were good times in addition to bad times. The time you spent in this relationship was not wasted; instead, it served a purpose: it taught you what you DON’T want in a partner.
- Learn to recognize the signs of a possessive boyfriend early on. Next time, you will be more familiar with the warning signs of jealousy and possessive behavior. You will be more aware with the next person you date.
- Remember to love yourself. If your relationship took away any of your self-esteem, confidence, or love for yourself, take some time to get that back. Spending time with friends, learning a new hobby, or seeking some solace in a favorite place are good ways to reconnect with your inner self.
- Enter into your next relationship with care and caution. Take the lessons that you learned in this relationship and apply them into building a happy and healthy relationship with the next person when the time is right.