How to Deal With Insincere Compliments

Co-authored by Erika Kaplan

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

“Lisa, congrats on your wedding! It was beautiful! Maybe now we can actually focus on work during office hours rather than gushing about wedding planning details, eh?” Many of us have been on the receiving end of a seemingly well-intended compliment—seemingly being the operative term because, in truth, the person was merely sugarcoating a below-the-belt jab. Learn how to deal with insincere compliments by responding appropriately, managing future interactions with the person, and distinguishing veiled offenses from truly genuine compliments.

Things You Should Know

Muted sarcasm, like, “Oh, thank you sooo much,” is a clever way to reply if you want to fight fire with fire.
If this is a persistent problem, call them out on it; say something like, “You know, I really don’t appreciate it when you do that,” and they might cut it out.
Don’t assume the compliment is insincere if it’s over text; it’s really hard to identify tone in a text message, and they may be genuinely trying to compliment you.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Responding to the Compliment

1
Say “thank you.” If you are tempted to respond impulsively with a remark that could come back to harm you, it may be in your best interest to reply simply as if the person was entirely sincere. Tell the person “thank you” even if you're sure the compliment wasn't altogether genuine.^{[1]
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Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
- Thank the person for the positive portion of the compliment and ignore the rest. For example, your sister says “Geez, you've lost a lot of weight! You look good! At one point you were so much bigger than me!” You might reply with “Thanks, I'm glad my hard work is starting to show.”^{[2]
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- It is likely very hard to not respond to hurtful comments mixed into the "compliment". This sort of approach is best for situations in which responding in a more frank and forthright manner is not advisable. For example, a superior at work or your sibling at a family gathering.
2
Smile and carry on. In other words, ignore the masked insult and continue what you were doing. There's no need to allow the person to get under your skin. Ignoring them with a polite smile will send the message that you won't engage in the exchange, it does not have the desired effect on you (upsetting you, humiliating you, manipulating you). Plus on the off chance the compliment was actually sincere, you won't have waged war on an innocent person.^{[3]
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3
Ask the person to explain what he or she means. If you have an acquaintance who regularly offers insincere compliments, you might choose to confront them by having them really explain what is meant by the statement. This will force the individual to confront his or her words, and have to justify them. This will often make a person uncomfortable with his or her actions and re-think interactions.
- Be specific in your example. For example, "Thank you for noticing I cleaned the kitchen, but what do you mean by saying, 'it's nice to see a person like you doing that?'" Rather than, "Thank you for noticing I cleaned the kitchen, but the rest of that statement is garbage." Being specific in the insincere compliment makes it harder to just blow off as a mistaken word or phrase.
- Particularly manipulative individuals, or those good at coming up with excuses on the spot may be able to navigate this tactic. Even still, it is worth trying, as it will indicate you are aware of the behavior and question it.
- Keep in mind that the person may not even be aware that they are giving negative compliments if this is their normal way of interacting, so you may be doing them a favor by pointing this out to them.
- You might say, “Ben, I notice that you make a lot of remarks about my work. At first glance, they appear positive, but I notice you keep commenting about my punctuality. I'm really unclear on why you keep talking about it because you know I take the bus and have little control over when it arrives. Can you explain?”^{[4]
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- Occasionally, an individual does not really understand he or she is giving insincere compliments. This can happen if a parent modeled this behavior, he or she was not allowed to voice feelings directly, or some mental illnesses. It is still not OK, but it can be a learned behavior.
- The person might respond with a sincere apology, which you can choose to accept or not.
- People may become defensive and make up excuses. This is a sign that he or she knows it is wrong but is not ready to own up to it.
4
Request that they stop. Sometimes just confronting the individual with his or her statements is enough, but requesting that they stop is an even stronger statement. Do so under the pretense of modesty and the person will be none the wiser.
- For instance, say something along the lines of “Please stop with the compliments, Tina. I'm just doing my job.” Or, you might deflect the praise to others by saying, “I wasn't the only one who worked on this project. Praise the rest of the team—not just me.”^{[5]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Protecting Yourself

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Don't give in to any subsequent requests. As sad as it is to believe, some praisers are merely doing so to set you up for a request or favor in the future. They've played into the concept that “flattery will get you everywhere” and may be complimenting you to win approval or even forgiveness for some wrongdoing.^{[6]
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- If a person continually lays on the praise, be wary of any demands they may ask of you in the future. False flattery is actually a disguised form of emotional manipulation: the person is buttering you up to get their way. Distance yourself from the person, if possible. If not, avoid letting them get their way with you.
2
Own your feelings. Whether you're delighted because you were recognized or secretly pissed because the person's adoration is dishonest, take time to feel what you're feeling. Don't ignore the way you are feeling, or this may begin to chip away at your self-esteem, especially if you do not do something to create boundaries with the person.^{[7]
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Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} Own your emotions, but don't let them get to your head.^{[8]
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- An insincere compliment can bring up feelings of shame or self-doubt. Give yourself a time-out if needed to collect yourself. Take a few deep breaths to cool off. Remind yourself of your positive traits, or call up an authentic friend who will help you see the positives.
3
Boost your self-esteem. If someone thought you'd fall prey to false flattery, they may see you as lacking self-esteem. They assumed that by merely throwing a disingenuous compliment your way, you'd give in to their demands or view them favorably. If you tend to rollover after false praise, you may need to work on your confidence.^{[9]
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- Boost your self-esteem by making the most of accomplishments and failures. Use accomplishments to help you acknowledge and affirm your abilities. Use failure to help you pinpoint weaknesses for future growth.
- Stop comparing yourself to the people around you. This is a surefire way to make your confidence suffer. Know that you have something unique to offer the world that no one else can.^{[10]
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- Try something new. Developing and honing new skills can help you build self-efficacy and start to believe in your abilities. Go back to school and further your education. Or, ask your boss for some on-the-job training in a new area.^{[11]
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  Erika Kaplan
  Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
- Try reading a confidence boosting audiobook if your self-esteem becomes a constant problem for you and you begin taking things too personally. One good option is The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Dr. Nathaniel Branden.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Spotting False Flattery or Insincere Praise

1
Determine if you were meant to hear the compliment. It may be wise to take a step back and truly assess the context of an accolade you are suspicious of. Did you overhear the compliment? If you did, it's a chance the person was actually being genuine.
- Think about it. There's no reason for the person to use sarcasm or false flattery if you weren't even meant to hear the remark. If you heard others exchanging nice words about you, consider that they were earnest.
2
Check the content of the compliment. Most compliments that are disingenuous fall into a few categories. They are made in tones of mockery; they are over-the-top; they are inappropriate for the relationship; or they occur too frequently. If the praise you received meets any of these criteria, you may need to pay closer attention to this person.^{[12]
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3
Reflect on your previous relationship with the person. Consider whether the behavior is out of the norm for the person. If so, then they may have an agenda. You can sniff out an underlying agenda after receiving praise by determining what the other person could possibly have to gain. Think about your interactions with this person over the past several days or weeks. Study the person to determine what their motives might be. Has something occurred between you and this person that would warrant groveling, or worse envy?
- False flattery is more likely to occur after a fall out when the person is seeking forgiveness, or when you are in a position of status and the person is hoping for a leg up.^{[13]
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- Similarly, insincere praise may also arise in the midst of competitive workplaces or after you have received recognition the other person was coveting.