How to Deal With Girls Calling You a Slut

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: April 29, 2021 References

Girls can be cruel to one another. Girl-on-girl bullying often begins in elementary school and, in some cases, lasts into the adult years. One way mean girls sometimes put another girl down is by spreading rumors or using language that implies that their target is sexually promiscuous. This is a classic put-down that relies on the idea that there are certain things "good girls" don't do, like have sex with a lot of guys. In some cases, though, you might be called a slut or something similar even if you've never had sex. The phrase itself often is meant to imply that you are a "bad girl" and should not be trusted. While it can be a hard situation to deal with, there are several strategies you can try if you find yourself the target of this type of bullying.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Overcoming Gossip and Bullying

1
Understand the difference between friendly teasing and slut-shaming. The word "slut" is a sexual slur used almost exclusively against women. It's a way to say that a girl or woman is a bad person because she has too much sex or too many sexual partners.^{[1]
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Research source} Sometimes it is used in a bantering way between friends, and other times it is used to bully or put a woman down.
- Sometimes girls and women call each other "sluts" as a way to take back that word from its negative use, in an effort to make light of it and drain it of some of its power. It's a way for girls to take the shame out of enjoying their sexuality. There are many oppressed groups that have "reclaimed" words once used against them in this way. If you have friends who call you a slut, think about their intent: they may mean it in an endearing way. You can ask them to stop if it bothers you, and since they are your friends, they should understand and do their best to stop.
- If someone is using the word "slut" against you in a way that makes you feel belittled, hurt, or harassed, it doesn't matter what her intention is. She is bullying you.
2
Know that the word might not have anything to do with sex. Although the term slut is usually associated with someone who has a lot of sex, or who expresses her sexuality in ways that other people don't approve of, in reality it is often used in other ways by girls themselves.
- One study of college women found that the word had very little to do with the target's sexual behaviors. Instead, in the study, higher social class women used the term against lower social class women as a way of saying that they didn't want to include them in their social group.^{[2]
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- That study found that white, middle-to upper-class college women used the word "slut" against poorer women and women of color most often, and that the bullies themselves often had more sexual experience than the targets.^{[3]
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3
Recognize that you are being bullied. This might seem silly, especially if you're not a little kid and you think bullying belongs in elementary school. Actually, people of all ages can experience bullying, which really just means that a person is mean to another person over and over again.^{[4]
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- Calling names like "slut" is a very common form of girl-on-girl bullying. They may be calling you a slut because gossip has spread about your relationships or sexuality (possibly started by someone who wants to increase his own reputation as a "stud"), but this word and others like it (such as "whore," "hoe," or "skank") may simply be your bullies' way of humiliating you with little or nothing to do with your sexual behavior.
4
Take safety measures on social media. Technology makes bullying easier than ever, so if you are active on social networking sites, you may need to take some precautions to keep bullies from having access to your information.
- Lock down your privacy settings and ensure that your only friends on social media are people you know and trust in real life. If you are friends with your bully, unfriend her; you might also consider unfriending mutual friends, or at the very least limiting what they can see on your profile.
- Never post anything — text or photos — that you wouldn't want circulated among your family, friends, workplace, or school.
- Report any bullying or threatening messages you receive to your parents, teachers, and even the police if the messages happen frequently or contain any threats.
5
Learn healthy ways of dealing with conflict. You might be tempted to return like-for-like when it comes to bullying behavior, but fighting with your bully by calling her names, spreading rumors about her, or getting into physical fights will not help your situation. In fact, it might result in you getting into trouble, when she's the one who started the whole thing.
- If you have one bully, consider approaching her and asking her to stop. Be the bigger person. This can be incredibly hard in the moment, but give your bully a sincere smile, and say something like, "I'm not sure why you said that, but I really want you to stop." Then walk away. Sometimes a bully can be so taken back by a genuine response that she won't know what to do.^{[5]
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- If you think your bully is an otherwise reasonable person, ask her if she wants to talk. You might say, "Is there something I did that made you angry at me? Would you like to have lunch and talk about it?" Sitting down and having a conversation can help get at the root of her behavior, if she's willing. She may have heard a rumor about you or may have some other explanation for why she is targeting you. Even if she doesn't want to sit down and talk, knowing that you're a reasonable person who is open to discussion might make her less upset with you and less likely to target you.
- Think about the relationship as a balloon that is not fully filled with air. If you don't put any air into the balloon, it will continue to not have substance to it. If you do put air into the balloon, it will get bigger and bigger. Engaging a bully is a lot like this. If you refuse to feed into the bullying dynamic, you refuse to put air into the balloon. Eventually, the bully will pick on someone else in order to "inflate her balloon."
6
Use different tactics for cliques. Girl bullies often travel in groups, working together to pick on other girls to make themselves feel more powerful. It is not usually helpful to confront a group of several girls at once all by yourself.^{[6]
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- Avoid the situation as much as possible. Try to avoid running into your bullies if possible, and ask a friend to go with you if you have to go somewhere you know the clique will be.^{[7]
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- Don't react. Remember what your parents told you as a child, about how reacting to a bully is just giving them what they want? It turns out your parents were right. Bullies thrive on power, so if you don't respond by getting angry or crying, you'll drain the experience of fun for the bullies and they will hopefully move on. Try to stay calm and focus on something else if it happens again.^{[8]
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7
Talk to someone. If you are feeling targeted by girls at school or women at work, you don't have to suffer in silence. Talking about it can help you figure out strategies to overcome it.
- Talk to your parents or other trusted adult. Explain the situation and ask them to help you figure out a solution. Sometimes having a parent intervene is the only way to get it to stop. Your parent might contact the bully's parents, the principal, or help you come up with strategies to use in the moment if it happens again. Parents should familiarize themselves with the school's harassment policy.
- Talk to a counselor or therapist to help you separate the criticisms other people might throw at you from your actual value as a human being.
- Talk to a teacher, school counselor, or supervisor if you are being bullied or harassed at school or work. That behavior is illegal in a workplace and almost always against the code of conduct in a school or university setting, and should be dealt with at an administrative level to be sure it doesn't keep happening.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Repairing a Damaged Reputation

1
Recognize that people gossip. Whether you are in middle school, high school, college, or the workplace, gossip will always be an issue as long as there are other people around to talk.
- On the one hand, you have to accept that gossip happens and there's not always something you can do about it. On the other hand, if negative gossip is spreading about you because of your behavior, you can take steps to improve your damaged reputation.
2
Deal with untrue rumors in whatever way you are comfortable. If someone is spreading rumors that you are sexually promiscuous and it is not true, that is a form of sexual harassment. There are a few different ways you might choose to handle it, depending on who is spreading the rumors and what you feel comfortable with.
- Talk to someone in authority to help you deal with the harassment. This might be a parent, teacher, supervisor, boss, or school counselor.
- You can try confronting the person responsible for the gossip if you know who started the rumor. If you feel like you need to set the record straight, this can be a good option. However, if the person who started the rumor is a bully who does not care about you, you should know that confronting that person might make you even more of a target.
3
Take responsibility for your lifestyle. If you're happy with your lifestyle, what other people say about you shouldn't have an effect on you. However, if you're doing things that are hurting you or others and it has damaged your reputation, you can take steps to take responsibility for your lifestyle and begin to repair your reputation.
- Make sure your emotional needs are being met. Establish and maintain a network of supportive friends who care about you, value you, and support your choices.
- Make sure you're not hurting anyone else. If you are having many sexual partners, be sure you're not hooking up with people who are in relationships, and be sure that your partners know what your intentions are. Be sure you use protection if you're having sex.
4
Deal with people who treat you differently. If rumors have spread that you are sexually promiscuous, you may find that whether the rumors are true or not, people may begin to treat you differently. In particular, you may find that guys might treat you differently if they think that you are sexually available.
- If you find yourself being sexually harassed or propositioned by guys, know that this is not your fault. No one is ever justified in treating another person as a sexual object. Tell the person to stop, and then tell someone you trust (like a parent, teacher, or supervisor). They will help you deal with the situation. If you ever feel unsafe for any reason, call the police or go to the nearest authority figure.
- If people who were formerly your friends begin avoiding you, you may consider talking to them to find out why. Keep in mind that someone who would stop being your friend because of a rumor may not have been a true friend to begin with.
5
Establish a reputation as kind, caring, fun, and dependable. It's true that your sex life is your business, but there's not much you can do to keep people from talking about it. The most you can do is humanize yourself as much as possible so that people won't want to waste their time talking about you.
- Many times girls talk about other girls' sexuality because they are jealous or because they worry that sexually experienced girls will steal their boyfriend or husband. By showing everyone that you are a kind and sincere person, you can help to calm their fears.
- Going out of your way to be kind to others — including people who have been unkind to you — shows that you are the bigger person. It takes a long time, but consistency, kindness, and sincerity can turn a bad reputation into a good one.^{[9]
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Be patient. The thing about reputations is it takes a long time to build a good one but only one mistake to get a bad one. It's frustrating and unfair, but it's also just a part of life you have to accept. Be determined to build a good reputation, even if it takes years.^{[10]
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- Find a hobby, club, or pastime to occupy yourself and take your mind off of your social issues. You can choose a volunteer position or give back to your community to help further your reputation as a caring and loving person.
- In the meantime, try to learn to stop caring about what other people think of you .

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Understanding Why Girls Attack Girls

1
Know it is not your fault. Your behavior is not at fault if someone else is bullying you, even if the gossip that she is spreading about you is technically true. Other people make their own choices about how to treat you, and no one is ever justified in making you feel worthless or outcast.
- Even if you have had more sexual experience than other girls, no one is ever justified in calling you names or trying to hurt you. You do not deserve to be treated that way. You have value!
2
Know that she is probably hurting, too. It might be small comfort, but the fact is that most bullies are hurting inside. Bullying is a learned behavior, and there are many reasons why people would engage in this behavior. Studies show that bullies often lack close relationships and feel rejected by society. They take out their feelings on others by trying to make everyone else feel rejected, too.^{[11]
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- Bullies tend to be manipulative, jealous, and lacking empathy for others.^{[12]
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- Everyone has the basic need for acceptance, belonging, control, and meaning in their lives; unfortunately, bullies often lack all of these. They may bully people who seem unhappy and thus "easy targets," or they may go after people who seem to have the things they lack, like loving relationships, good grades, or successful jobs.
- The bully may be trying take the focus off of herself so that she is not a target herself; she may be trying to fit in; she may be bullied at home; or, it could be that the bully lacks a way to regulate her own anger and expresses it in unproductive ways.
3
Understand why bullies target girls' and women's sexuality. It is not a coincidence that the word "slut" is used against girls and women in a derogatory way. In fact, women have been targeted this way for a major portion of recorded history!
- At least since the Victorian era, western society has focused on what some scholars call the Madonna-whore distinction. This is the idea that women are all either good, pure, innocent virgins, or sleazy, scummy, and sexually active.
- Of course, this is a ridiculous way to view humans, who are naturally sexual beings, but it is an idea that took hold in many cultures and still affects how we view and treat women today.
4
Know that it isn't just about sex. While terms that focus on women's sexuality like slut, ho, or whore are often used to degrade women, there's usually a deeper, more sinister meaning that doesn't have much to do with sex.
- When someone is called one of these things, it's a way of saying that they are not a good girl or woman. They don't fit society's mold in some major way. The term is a way of showing complete rejection for that person.
- You can fight back against this treatment of women by never using gender-specific insults, not even in jest.
5
You know yourself the best.
- Don't let anyone label you or stop you from doing what you like.If you enjoy sexual relations and if that makes you happy,please go ahead.If anyone who judges you based on what you're doing speaks volumes about them.Not you.