How to De Escalate a Child in Crisis

Assess any safety risks. Take a moment to look around the environment and identify if there are any dangerous objects or hazards. Some examples of safety risks are:

• Sharp objects
• Cords that could become tangled around the child
• A set of stairs that could be fallen down
• A hot stove or fireplace

Make adjustments to the child's environment to ensure their safety. If you identify safety concerns, do what you can to remove them from the child's crisis area. Some things you can do to ensure safety are:

• Move dangerous objects to a high shelf or secure the cupboard
• Stand in front of sharp corners
• Physically move to another room - the child may follow you to keep your attention

Calm yourself. This step is easy to skip, but it is very important for a successful outcome.

• Take deep breaths
• Remind yourself that you can resolve this safety and effectively
• Feel the contrast between your calm demeanor and the child's out-of-control one
• Let go of planning how you will resolve this
• Let go of thinking about discipline or consequences
• Let go of worrying about how much time it is taking or may take

Calm the child. Each situation and each child is different, so you must think on your feet and be creative. Their initial escalating behavior may have been attention-seeking or manipulative, but a child who has become out-of-control is not doing it to be malicious or to cause trouble on purpose. They might be acting out because they are being misunderstood or they are angry. Some things you can try are:

• Sit near them and speak soft reassuring words.
• Let them destroy something that you are okay with (ex: break all their Legos apart, rip all the sheets off their bed, stomp grapes on the sidewalk, etc.)
• Tell them you would like to help them but can't do so until they calm down.

Give them some quiet time and space. A child who has calmed their body down still needs to calm their mind down. They are likely ashamed of causing such a scene and may be upset or embarrassed about some of the damage they did. Do not yell at them, and discuss consequences after they have had time to rest and get back to a more stable state of mind. Make sure to tell them you are proud of them for calming down, that you are not mad, and that everything is okay. This will feel counter-intuitive, but it shows the child that their acting out didn't faze you, and that you are strong and capable of handling stressful situations.

Discuss how to make amends.

• Ask the child what they need to do to make it right.
• Make sure they clean up any thing they destroyed or damaged.
• Have them apologize to anyone who may have been hurt or scared by their actions.

Discuss what they will do next time.

• Have the child brainstorm what might work better to get what they want.
• Come up with more ways to express their anger that are safe and appropriate.