How to Cope when You Find out Your Parent Is Having an Affair

Last Updated: October 26, 2022 References Approved

When you find out a parent is having an affair, it can be hard to feel like life is normal, but you can cope with this and move forward by establishing productive ways to process your emotions, such as therapy or simply talking with a trusted person. This discovery is not an easy one to make and not one that you need to go through alone. To cope successfully, you'll have to take things slowly and recognize that it's okay to feel vulnerable. Through formal or informal therapy and leaning on a strong support network you will be able to make progress and move forward with your life and parental relationships.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Processing Your Feelings

1
Talk with a trusted friend. Find someone who is not directly involved, so it’s better not to choose your sibling, aunt or uncle. A good friend will not judge you for your feelings and will help you begin to sort through the information that you’ve learned.^{[1]
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2
Visit a counselor. You are processing a lot of different feelings, from anger to sadness to frustration.^{[2]
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Research source} It will be helpful to talk with a professional who has expertise in counseling about extramarital affairs, as they can offer insight that may not have occurred to you. They will also not judge your parents’ behavior and instead can offer an objective viewpoint.
- They can also give you practical steps to coping with this situation.
- Your therapist will help you identify some treatment goals. This way, you can measure your progress throughout your therapy.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Lauren Urban, LCSW
  Licensed Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
- Don't be ashamed about going to therapy.There's shameful or weak about asking for help on an issue that's bothering you.^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Lauren Urban, LCSW
  Licensed Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
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3
Write down your feelings in a journal. Journal writing is a good way to process your feelings and relieve stress.^{[5]
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Research source} You don’t need to share your writing with anyone, and you can explore your most private concerns. This is a good way to begin processing how you feel and how you might approach talking to your parents about the issue.
4
Don't rush to conclusions. You are not in your parent's shoes and it is highly probable that you are not aware of the entire story. Marriages are challenging and both people contribute to their success. If there are problems, you may not have heard about them. Jumping to conclusions about what happened will not serve your relationship with either parent.
- Affairs usually happen when a person feels like their partner isn't there for them, whether that be physically, geographically, or emotionally.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Lauren Urban, LCSW
  Licensed Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
5
Don’t snoop around. It may be tempting to try to find evidence that your parent is cheating, but it’s not your place to do so. It’s not your marriage, and while you may feel betrayed by an unfaithful parent, you are still the child, not the spouse. Resist the temptation to scroll through your parent’s text messages or emails.
6
Check on your siblings. If your siblings know about the situation, check on them to see how they’re doing. If you have younger siblings who still live at home, go for a walk together so that you can have some privacy. Talk to them about how they’re feeling and coping.
- If your siblings don’t know about the affair, think very carefully whether telling them is a good idea. It’s not really your place to do so, and it could hurt them unnecessarily.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Rebuilding your Relationship with your Parent

1
Remember what kind of parent they’ve been to you. Finding out that one parent has had an affair can rupture how you think about that parent. Your respect for them may be damaged and you may feel hurt and angry about their actions. Take into account what kind of parent they’ve been over the years. If they have been a kind, caring parent, remember that, as this defines your relationship with your parent, not the affair.^{[7]
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2
Begin your new relationship with each parent separately. In many cases, an affair spells the end of the cohesive family unit, and you will now have parents that live separately. Forming a relationship with the “new” version of your parent will help you move into a new phase, wherein you think of them as individuals instead of a team.^{[8]
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- Offer love and support to both parents. This is a difficult and confusing time for both parents, and knowing that you are offering love and support can help them through this situation.
3
Decide how you’re going to treat the affair. If you are planning to move forward and repair your relationship with your parent, think about how you’re going to treat the affair. You may not want to or need to forgive your parent who had the affair. However, don’t use it as a weapon against your parent, holding it over their heads whenever you argue or don’t get what you want.
- The affair certainly doesn’t need to be swept under the rug, but it shouldn’t be trotted out every time you disagree with your parent.
4
Make it clear to each parent where you stand. Your relationship with one parent should not tarnish your relationship with the other parent. One parent may feel like you’re taking sides or forgiving the cheating parent if you decide to repair your relationship with them. Sit down with each parent individually and tell them how you want to proceed in your relationships with them.
- Let them know that your relationship with one parent does not impact your relationship with the other parent.
5
Continue moving forward with your own life. While an unfaithful parent may threaten the future of your family, your own life is still in motion. You can take control of certain things in your life, which can be especially helpful when you feel like other things are far out of your control.
- Ask both parents for advice and guidance, which will help continue repairing your relationship with both parents.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Setting Boundaries

1
Tell your parents you don’t want to be in the middle. In an unfaithful marriage, unfortunately, some parents may try to turn a child against the other parent. This is especially important if the children in the marriage are younger and still living at home.
- It might be helpful to suggest that your parents see a counselor. You can lend an ear to your parent, but you should not be their primary shoulder to lean on.
2
Do not involve yourself or take sides. It is not your job to fix things or to make sure that one parent tells the other parent. While an unfaithful marriage can certainly impact you, the decisions that your parents make are their decisions, not yours.
- Don’t report one parent’s activities back to the other parent, and don’t keep secrets for your parents. While it might seem harmless at the time, your parent is using you in a subtle way, and it can be really stressful for you.
3
Avoid over-identifying with one parent. This can be hard to avoid, since you may feel like protecting the parent who was cheated on. But every marriage has two people who contribute, and there may be a larger story going on that you’re not aware of. Try to remain somewhat neutral, as it is not your marriage.^{[9]
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Confronting Your Parent

1
Decide what you want the outcome to be. Before confronting the parent, think about what you hope to achieve with a conversation. Bringing the issue out into the open can have serious consequences for the entire family, so think carefully about what you hope to achieve by confronting your parent. Your goal for this conversation might be:
- Gathering information you’d like to know.
- Conveying your feelings to your parent.
- Repairing your relationship with your parent.
- Assessing whether your parent is continuing the affair.
2
Find a good time to talk. Ask your parent when a good time would be to talk. Choose a time when neither of you is rushing off to work or school, and when you can both devote some time and mental energy to the conversation.
3
Begin with talking about your pain, not anger. Describe your feelings of pain and discomfort to your parent. Don’t start with accusations, but explain your feelings. It’s possible that your parent may not have anticipated how painful this process would be for you. When you do start talking about your anger, your parent will understand more clearly where the anger is coming from.
- Start with something like, “I feel very hurt. I am having trouble sleeping and I keep crying. I am worried about the future of our family.”
4
Use “I” statements, not “you” statements. Keep the focus on how things make you feel, not on your judgments about the parent. Instead of blaming your parent, describe how things make you feel. Instead of saying, “You are a terrible person. How could you do this?,” you can say, “I feel hurt and upset.”
5
Try to remain calm. This is a very emotional time for both of you, and remaining calm may be difficult. But it will be a more productive conversation if you do not resort to yelling, shouting insults, or making judgments.
6
Have the conversation in manageable pieces. This is a giant conversation that you’re having with the cheating parent. They may be taken by surprise that you know what’s going on, or they may be very nervous or defensive. Tell them how you feel and then take some time for both of you to process where you’re at and how you’re feeling.
- If your parent doesn’t want to discuss the issue, let them know that you’d like to talk about it but that you can give them some time before continuing the conversation.^{[10]
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7
Focus on your parent’s behavior. Keep the conversation revolving around your parent’s behavior, and how it may not fit into the roles that your parent has had in your life. The point is not to attack the person but to concentrate on the behavior that is causing you anguish.
8
Respect the resolution that your parents have decided on. A parent may forgive the cheating parent, or they may kick them out of the house, or they may overlook this indiscretion. You might not agree with the way the issue is being handled, but this is not your marriage. They are finding the best resolution that works for both of them.
- If you are still living at home, or you have siblings who still live at home, consider talking with your parents to let them know your concerns about how the unfaithful behavior might impact you or your siblings.
9
Don’t confront if you intend to hurt your parent. Your parent’s behavior and actions may be deplorable, and they may be causing a major rift in your family, but this is a matter largely between your parents. You shouldn’t get in the middle of your parents or be used as a pawn.^{[11]
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