How to Become Closer to Your Mother

Last Updated: December 3, 2022

Relationships with parents can be tricky. Whether you have a strained relationship with your mom or you just don't see each other much, you may be wishing that the two of you were a little closer. If this is the case, you have the power to change things! Make an effort to improve your communication and spend more quality time together, and your relationship with your mom will be closer than ever.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Communicating With Your Mother

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Make a plan for communication. If you and your mother don't communicate very much right now, you may need a little structure to help get things going. Try sitting down with your mom and coming up with a plan for communicating with each other. For example, you might decide that you will set aside 30 minutes to talk every evening.^{[1]
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- Let your mom know what kind of communication you want have with her. Be sure to listen to her input, too.
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Don't assume she knows how you're feeling. Miscommunication often occurs because people forget that not everyone thinks in exactly the same way. This is why it's so important to let your mom know what you're thinking and feeling, even if it seems obvious to you. If you think your mom just doesn't understand you, you may just have to explain something to her.^{[2]
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- For example, if you feel like your mom doesn't understand how you feel about your new tutor, you might want to say something like, "I don't think you understand how I am feeling about this and I want to make sure that you do. It's not that I don't care about my grades, but I would like the chance to improve my grades on my own before I start working with a tutor."
- Encourage your mom to share her feelings as well.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Kason, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.} Explain to her that you don't always know how she is feeling and you would like her to help you understand.
- If your mom is upset, ask her if she'd prefer to have some alone time for a little while.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Kason, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.}
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3
Take the time to listen. Listening is a crucial component of communication that is often overlooked. The next time you talk to your mom, really listen to what she has to say to you.^{[5]
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- Ask questions if something she says isn't clear to you.
- Allow her to finish what she has to say instead of interrupting
- Instead of jumping to conclusions about what she means, ask for clarification when you don't understand.
- Try to validate her emotions, even if you don't necessarily agree with them.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Kason, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.}
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Ask more questions. If your conversations with your mom tend to be short and to the point, but you'd prefer to dig a little deeper, start by asking questions. This will help you learn more about your mom's opinions and beliefs.^{[7]
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- Focus on open-ended questions to keep the conversation going. Questions that start with "how" or "why" are especially good. For example, if your mom tells you that she likes a certain book, ask her why she likes it.
- If your mom doesn't ask these same kinds of questions in return, you can still provide more detail in your answers. For example, if she asks you how your day was, you could say, "It was not so great because I had a quiz in math that I didn't know about and because my best friend was sick" instead of just saying it was bad. Eventually, you two will get in the habit of sharing more information with each other whenever you talk.
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Share your struggles. Adolescents and teenagers sometimes feel disconnected from their parents because they feel that they can't talk to them about some of the important things that are going on their lives, like problems with their friends or issues related to dating. If you want to get closer to your mom, consider letting her know more about what's going on in your world.
- It may seem awkward to share these details at first if you're not used to it, so try starting small. Every family has different boundaries as far as what they do and do not want to share with each other.
- If you don't want advice about the issue, tell your mom that. Consider saying something like, "I just want to let you know what's going on with Jane, but I can figure out what to do about it on my own."
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Don't let disagreements turn into arguments. It's important to focus on healthy communication, which means learning to talk to your mom without getting into arguments. Even if you have different opinions about something, you can talk it out without getting angry at each other.^{[8]
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- Always keep your cool. Avoid yelling, name-calling, and slamming doors. For example, instead of yelling, "That's stupid! You don't get it!" consider calmly saying something like, "I see your point, but I'd like to share my opinion with you."
- Always respect your mom's opinion, even if you think it's wrong. Listen to what she has to say, and then share your own opinions with her.
- Just because you are close with your mom does not mean you have to agree with her on everything. You can still maintain your own voice, and you can even debate your different points of view as long as you remain respectful of each other's opinions.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Spending Time With Your Mother

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Look for common interests. You may feel like you have absolutely nothing in common with your mom, but that's probably not true! Chances are the two of you share at least one common interest. No matter what that thing is, use it to come up with activities that you will both enjoy doing together.^{[9]
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- Your common interests can be anything at all, from traveling the world to playing with your cat.
- Take the initiative to plan some activities yourself. For example, if you and your mom both love animals, plan a trip to the zoo. You can let her in on your plans ahead of time or consider surprising her.
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Set some time aside for special bonding time. Life gets busy sometimes, so if you're trying to spend more time with your mom, you may need to put it on both of your calendars. Scheduling time to spend together will demonstrate that you are both committed to becoming closer.^{[10]
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- This is even more important if you don't get to see your mom very often because of her work schedule, for example.
- The two of you should agree on how often you will have your bonding time. It may be once a week or once a month, depending on your schedules and your own personal preferences.
- You might decide to do the same thing every time (like going out for ice cream every Friday night) or you may plan different activities for each time. The important thing is that you are together and doing something that you both enjoy.
- You don't necessarily have to go anywhere for your bonding time. You can stay at home and bake cookies together if you both enjoy doing that.
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Focus on quality time. Just being in the same room together doesn't always count as spending time together. When you spend time with your mom, make sure you are actually interacting, rather than just co-existing in the same space.
- Put phones, computers, and other devices away. Instead, focus on having a conversation or doing some kind of activity together.
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Celebrate special occasions together. In addition to spending time together for no specific reason, you should try to celebrate together. Whether it's her birthday or your graduation, let her know that you want to be together for this special time.
- Consider doing something special for your mom for her birthday or Mothers Day. For example, you could plan a day at the beach together or make her dinner.
- Let you mom know that you want to celebrate special events in your life by spending time with her too.
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Let her know you care. No matter how much time you spend with your mom, it's still important to remind her every once in a while that you love her and are grateful for everything she does for you. You can do this in many different ways.
- You may want to let your mom know you care by telling her you love her or by kissing and hugging her. You could also try thanking her for something that she did for you. For example, you might want to say, "Thanks for making dinner tonight, Mom. I know that you were really busy today and it means a lot that you still took the time to cook for me."
- You can also let your mom know that you care about her by being kind, polite, and respectful. For example, you could make an effort to say "please" whenever you ask her to do something for you.
- Try helping her out more around the house. This shows you are thinking of her and appreciate all of the things she does for you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Improving a Strained Relationship With Your Mother

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Don't wait around for change to happen. If you want to change the relationship you have with your mom, don't be afraid to take the first step. If both of you are waiting for the other one to initiate change, nothing will ever happen.^{[11]
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- Sometimes changing the relationship requires changing yourself. For example, if your relationship with your mother is strained because you have betrayed her trust, work on becoming more responsible and earning that trust back.
- The longer you wait to resolve conflicts, the worse they will become, so deal with your issues as soon as possible.
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Pick your battles. Some things just aren't worth arguing over, so don't let these small things get in the way of the healthy relationship you are trying to build. If you are tempted to start arguing with your mom about something, take a moment to consider whether you would be better off just letting it go.^{[12]
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- This is usually the best strategy for small, inconsequential things. For example, if you and your mom disagree about what kind of party you should throw for your dad's birthday, you may want to just let it slide.
- Don't just brush aside issues that are really important to you. For example, if you and your mom disagree about what you should study at college, you should not disregard your own opinions just to avoid a conflict.
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Have empathy. No matter what the problems between you and your mom may be, try to look at the situation from her perspective and understand how she must feel. Being empathetic will help you get past quarrels that you have had with your mom and move on.^{[13]
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- Always take a moment to think about why your mom might feel the way she does. Keep in mind that her various life experiences will influence her opinions. Doing your best to understand where she is coming from is a great way to start having more empathy for your mom.
- It's important to keep in mind that your mom is a human being who makes mistakes, just like you. Don't expect her to be perfect.
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Forgive your mom for past hurts. No matter what has happened between you and your mom in the past, you have the power to forgive her. Forgiving does not mean that you are condoning your mother's actions, but merely that you are willing to move past these actions and not let them interfere with your present-day relationship.^{[14]
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- If you want to let your mom know that you forgive her for something, be straightforward about it. For example, you might say something like, "I want to let you know that I was really hurt when you said negative things about my boyfriend, but I forgive you and I'd like to move on."
- Try to avoid bringing up conflicts from the past in present arguments.
- You can encourage your mother to forgive you as well.
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Tell her how you feel. If your mother says or does something that hurts you, it's important to let her know how it made you feel. This will allow you to talk it out and resolve the issue before it turns into a big conflict. ^{[15]
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- When you do this, avoid insulting your mother or accusing her of anything. Using "I" statements can help you focus on your feelings instead of her actions. For example, consider saying, "I feel like you are disappointed in me when you say things like that" instead of, "You never appreciate anything I do for you."
- If your mom lets you know that something you did or said hurt her, it's important to be understanding and try to work with her to correct the issue.
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Seek counseling for major issues. If you and your mom aren't able to repair your relationship on your own, you may want to consider seeing a counselor together. A neutral party may be able to help you understand the obstacles that are keeping you from having the kind of relationship you want with your mom.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do when your mom is upset?

Rebecca Kason, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Rebecca Kason is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist licensed in both New York and New Jersey. She specializes in adolescent mental health, dialectical behavior therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. Dr. Kason treats clients struggling with emotional dysregulation, behavioral disorders, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, depression, and phobias. She holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from The University of Delaware and a Master's degree in Applied Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University. Dr. Kason completed an APA accredited internship at Mount Sinai Services. She is a member of the American Psychological Association and Association for Behavior and Cognitive Therapy.

Rebecca Kason, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Ask her how you can best support her. Say something like "Sometimes when I'm upset, I like to have some alone time. Other times, I want someone to hear me out. Which would be best for you right now?"