How to Be a Popular Transgender Person in High School

Co-authored by Inge Hansen, PsyD and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: June 21, 2022

Many people say that being popular if you are transgender is impossible. Really, it isn't. It’s totally possible to make a large amount of friends and to create positive friendships. With a few tips, you’ll hopefully be able to thrive as well as survive your time in high school.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Enjoying Your Time at School

1
Straighten your back and smile to show you’re proud of who you are. Stand tall so everyone sees you're happy to be you. Imagine that you look flawless and carry yourself that way. Any time you find yourself slinking back to unconfident body language in the halls, remind yourself how fabulously attractive you are, and go back to your awesome walk.
- It's okay if you don't feel fabulously attractive. Keep telling yourself you are and keep pretending you are. Eventually, you'll believe it. You can shine.
2
Cultivate confidence to attract people to you. There's a good chance you've learned to be resourceful and quick in order to protect yourself from insults you may have heard. Use that quick and agile thinking to put forth a calm, confident appearance. Use your humor to help defuse tense situations, and you'll draw people in.
- Others are drawn to confident, funny people. For instance, you might notice that the most attractive people tend to choose partners who are funny and kind rather than worrying about looks.
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3
Look for new friends.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.} Be friendly and compassionate to others and practice random acts of kindness. View each person as a potential new friend, and react to them in the most positive way. Usually, when you treat people well, they will also treat you well.
4
Recognize that not everyone will be your friend, and that's okay. Your personality won't "click" with everyone. This is natural and not a bad reflection on you. Don't assume it's because you are transgender.
- If you don't wind up with the traditional "in-crowd," that's all right. That clique is hard to crack for most people in their high school years. There is no need to push it. Seek out other interesting and fun people and be popular in your own way.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Inge Hansen, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.}
- Some people are legitimate jerks. When you encounter mean or inconsiderate people, try to remember that their behavior is about them, not you. They’re not worth your time, so focus on people who care about you.
5
Ask people questions to show you’re interested in getting to know them. People love to talk about themselves, so ask them questions to keep the conversation flowing about what they like. Listen to them so they know you’re interested in what they have to say. Add your own input to the conversation and ask follow-up questions to keep things going.
- After leaving a conversation, try mentally summing it up. You might say, "Wow! It sounds like your new puppy is a lot of work. How long do you have to train it?” This way you are more likely to recall the details later, and the person will be pleased you care.
6
Enjoy the good things in your life. Focus on the upsides, such as the sweet girl you talked to today, your success in Spanish class, or your father's kindness. Reflecting upon the positives can help you stay afloat during the negatives. Try to list a few things you’re grateful for every day so you can remember the good things.
7
Get involved in your school to help you meet people and have fun. Find your interests and search for a group centered around those interests. Join clubs, play sports, volunteer, and attend school events. This will help you meet people who share your talents and passions, and you can make great new friendships. Keep your focus on having fun and enjoying who you are.
- Join your school’s LGBTQ+ group. If your school doesn’t have one, ask a teacher to help you start one.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Being Closeted

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Don't be mad at yourself for staying in the closet. Safety, acceptance, and other concerns you have are perfectly valid reasons not to come out.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.} Additionally, you are not obligated to educate anyone about what it’s like to be LGBTQ+. Your health comes first, and if that means not mentioning that you're transgender, that's okay.

Did You Know? Being closeted may mean living as your true gender without mentioning that you're trans, or it may mean being stuck cross-dressing as the sex you were assigned at birth, even though it's hard. Make the best choices for you, and know that it’s okay to do what’s best for you.
2
Recognize that others are focused on themselves, not on you. You may feel like everyone at school is picking you apart, but it’s more likely that you’re the only person who’s closely analyzing you. Most high schoolers are absorbed in their own lives and worried about themselves, which means they aren’t thinking about you so much. Try not to worry about what other people might be thinking.
- Even if you don’t quite match up to what you think your gender expectations might be, it’s likely that no one’s going to notice or care.
3
Expect for people to keep their thoughts to themselves in most cases. Even if someone notices something “different” about you, they’re likely not going to say anything. For instance, you might be a girl with a slightly deep voice or a shorter guy, but it’s unlikely anyone is going to point it out or ask you about it. Do your best to not listen to your worries about what people might say.
- Some guys tease each other about perceived weakness, a.k.a. femininity, and you may be on the receiving end if you're a trans guy. You can shrug it off as good-natured teasing if you feel comfortable with that.
- If someone’s comments bother you, take the teaser aside in private, explain that it bothers you, and ask them to stop. You might say, “Hey, I know you’re just kidding around, but I’m self conscious about my size. It hurts my feelings when you make fun of me, and I’d appreciate it if you stopped.” You might also talk to an adult if you feel nervous confronting the teaser or the teasing continues.
4
Practice self care to help you feel your best. You might feel gnawed at by worries that you don't pass or saddled with dysphoria at needing to pretend to be someone you aren't. This is difficult, and it will be stressful at times. To help you get through the difficult times, take really good care of yourself physically and emotionally.
- Eat a healthy diet, exercise, and sleep well.
- Incorporate stress relievers into your day to help you stay calm. For instance, you might journal, exercise, or talk to a close friend.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Being Out

1
Surround yourself with accepting people and open up to them.^{[4]
X
Expert Source

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.} Take your time in deciding when to take people into your confidence, and if it makes you more comfortable, choose just one person to divulge your secrets to first. This person can help pave the way to being honest with your whole group and can help be a bridge to understanding between you and them.
2
Be prepared for questions but don’t feel pressured to answer them. Most high schoolers don't know the difference between sex and gender, simply because nobody has taught it to them. They may be a little awkward at first, but that is because this is new to them, not because anything is wrong or bad about you. Expect your friends and loved ones to ask a lot of questions. Give them the best answers you can, but don’t feel like you have to share anything you want kept private.
- Educating people can be tiring. It helps to come up with a "script" that you can rattle off anytime and to have a website URL or two that you can encourage people to check out in order to learn more.
3
Look for people's second reactions, not their first. Having their ideas of gender overturned can be a little shocking, and they might react less positively than you hoped. Take a deep breath and give them a little time. Once they've had a little time to process, they will show their true colors.
- If they realize that they overreacted and apologize, then it means they probably do support you and are worth your trust.
- If it has been a week and they're still not accepting you, then it probably isn't going to happen. They don't have the strength to accept you, which is more about them than you.
- Keep in mind that some of your friends may need to unlearn things they’ve been taught by their parents or other authority figures. This may take them some time, but it’s possible.
4
Don't take it personally if someone is inconsiderate, rude, or cruel. Unfortunately, there are people out there who disregard the feelings of others and mistreat people who are different from them. While this can be painful, try to remember that their actions are a reflection of them, not you. If they don’t appreciate how wonderful you are, it’s their loss.
- Unfortunately, some people won't like you because you are transgender. Remind yourself that sometimes people get scared or angry when they see someone who is braver than they are.
- Choose to feel sorry for people who are rude or cruel. They may be going through something themself and are jealous that you’re so confident in being you.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Caring For Yourself

1
Take plenty of time to relax. Your emotional health matters, so spend lots of time hanging out with people who make you happy. Additionally, engage in hobbies that help you feel at peace.

Tip: Life can be difficult at times when you're transgender. It's important to take good care of your mind and body so you can feel your best.
2
Don’t feel pressured to be a spokesperson for the transgender community. It isn't fair to expect you to be an ambassador of transgender people, especially not when you are so young. No one is entitled to anything from you. Any educational or anti-discrimination efforts on your part are your choice, and you are not obligated.
- Check yourself to make sure you aren't holding yourself to impossible standards. You should not expect yourself to constantly be a smiling, talking Trans 101 encyclopedia. Not every interaction needs to be a perfect educational moment.
- If educating others is exhausting you, give yourself a break.
3
Immerse yourself in positive transgender media. Read webcomics such as The Princess and Rain, watch Orange is the New Black (if you are okay with R ratings), look at the work of transgender artists, and immerse yourself in transgender stories as told by transgender people. Representation matters, and it can really help to see fictional people who are just like you.
- Don't just look for professional artists! A lot of amateurs also post worthwhile work.
4
Make LGBTQ+ friends. Look for transgender friends, but also other LGBTQ+ people. There may be a club at school, a local support group, or a website (e.g. Tumblr) where you can meet others like you. They can understand you in a way that cisgender heterosexuals can't. Support each other, and know that you're not alone.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.}

Expert Q&A

Question

How should I respond to transphobic classmates?

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.

Inge Hansen, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Remember that just because people aren’t accepting, that this has nothing to do with you and your inherent worth. Find people in your life who will accept and celebrate you for who you are, whether that is a friend, therapist, colleague, family member, or even an online community.

Warnings

Remember that your mental health takes priority. Don't force yourself into a situation that you know you won't be able to handle - as important as education is, you always come first. Make sure to have a support system somewhere. The Internet can help you find other transgender people and/or professionals to help you.

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Progress isn't achieved overnight, so pay attention to how people are reacting to your identity. Speak up if you feel threatened and don’t provoke someone who refuses to accept you. Stay away from these people, alert an adult, and try to travel in a pack. Stay safe.

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Unfortunately, you may be the target of jokes and teasing, though it’s possible you won’t be. Try not to take hurtful things personally. Instead, focus on the people who love you.

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Don't be ashamed of who you are.

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