How to Be Loved by Your Family

Co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: March 20, 2023 References

It really hurts when you don’t get the love and affection that you crave from your family. Fortunately, in many cases, things can be repaired if everyone works together. This article covers ways to communicate your feelings, strategies for self-improvement, and ideas for spending more time together with your family.

Here are 14 steps you can take to find the love that you deserve.

1

Share with your family how you’re feeling.

Use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need. This is a tough conversation to have, so make sure to give yourself credit just for trying. Also make sure to choose a time to talk when everyone is calm and able to focus on the conversation. Speak from your own perspective—“I feel…,” “I need…,” etc.—instead of using “you” statements that make family members get defensive because they feel like they’re being attacked and blamed. Do your best to speak clearly and calmly so you can get everything out in the open and get working toward improving the situation.^{[1]
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- Compare, for example, the following “I” and “you” statements and how family members would be likely to respond:
  - “I understand that you’re all very busy, but I feel ignored and left out all the time, and I don’t believe that’s fair or good for me.”
  - “You’re all so busy with your own things that you completely ignore me and don’t seem to care that you’re hurting me.”

2

Listen to your family’s perspective.

You don’t need to agree with them, but you should hear them out. If you’re lucky, your family will be very receptive to your concerns and eager to work together to improve things. However, they may instead argue against your point of view and try to justify why things are the way they are. Do your best to listen carefully to what everyone has to say. Try to find areas of common ground so you can work together to change the situation for the better.^{[2]
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- Don’t get discouraged if your family members are hesitant or not receptive at the start. So long as you sense that there’s hope for improvement, keep at it and give your family the chance to come around.
- If there is simply no common ground and no way to build a connection, accept that you’ve done your best to improve the situation. Sadly, your family simply may not be willing to give you the love you deserve. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it can also free you to find the love you need from other caring people in your life.

3

Acknowledge everyone’s role in the situation.

Accept your responsibility and encourage your family to do the same. If your family is receptive to making changes for the better, work together to find the barriers that are standing in the way of a more loving relationship. Take the lead by acknowledging the barriers that are your creations, then make a plan to break through them. Your example will hopefully encourage your family to do the same.^{[3]
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- You might say, for example: “I accept that, because of my frustration, I haven’t been as supportive of you guys as I should be, and that has only made things worse.”
- If your family members refuse to accept any responsibility, remind yourself that that’s their choice to make and out of your control. Turn your focus toward the things you can control, like your own actions.

4

Make your own self-improvement plan.

Lay out specific, positive changes you can make. In the end, unfortunately, you can’t control whether or not you have a loving family. But you can set goals for self-improvement that will benefit you no matter what choices your family members make. Share these goals with your family if they’ve agreed to work together to improve things. Otherwise, write them down for yourself as reminders of the improvements that are under your control.^{[4]
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- If you’ve admitted to yourself that you haven’t been very supportive of your family members, for example, you might challenge yourself to make at least one encouraging statement to each family member every day.
- Remember that your goal is to be an improved version of yourself, not to completely change who you are. If that’s not enough to earn the love of your family, then the fault is all theirs.

5

Prove that you’re dependable.

It’s easier to feel and show love for someone you can rely on. This is an important self-improvement to make if you’ve frequently been unreliable—failing to do things you said you’d do, forgetting important family matters, etc. Take it upon yourself to be someone who everyone in your family can depend on. Keep your word. Follow through. And set reminders for yourself!^{[5]
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6

Avoid gossiping about your family.

Resist the urge to “get back at” family members this way. When family members have hurt you by withholding affection or in other ways, spreading hurtful rumors about them can be very tempting. Instead, work to manage problems in-house by talking directly to family members about your problems and feelings. This is essential in building trust, and trust is essential in building love.^{[6]
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- For example, if your brother has been really unkind to you, you may want to get back at him by spreading an embarrassing rumor about him at school. This might feel good for a moment, but will further damage your relationship with him. Instead, talk one-on-one, or with other family members present, about how his actions have made you feel.

7

Treat your family members with respect.

Showing respect increases your chances of getting it in return. If you’re feeling unloved, you’re probably also feeling disrespected. While it’s tempting to withhold respect for family members in return, try instead to break the cycle of disrespect. Offering even small signs of respect, like saying “please” and “thank you,” can help to encourage an overall change in behavior by the whole family.^{[7]
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- Showing respect doesn’t mean you can’t have your own opinions or disagree with other family members. It does mean that you should avoid personal attacks when you do have disagreements. Stay calm and explain your side of things. Hopefully this will inspire your family members to do the same.

8

Take opportunities to be helpful.

Do the little things that show you care about your family. Instead of refusing to help out because you’re upset, model supportive family behavior by seeking out opportunities to help. Even if your family members don’t show much in the way of appreciation, your positive, helpful attitude may help change the family narrative over time.^{[8]
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- For example, offer a helping hand to put away the groceries without being asked. Or, if you get the feeling that a family member could use some encouraging words, say something nice.

9

Be independent but not isolated.

Do things yourself when you can, but ask for help when needed. Aim for an appropriate amount of independence based on your age and circumstances within the family. If you’re a teen, for example, don’t rely on a parent to wake you up in the morning when you can simply set an alarm for yourself. Or, if you’re a young adult, don’t bring your laundry over for your parents to do for you when there’s a laundromat near where you live.^{[9]
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- However, don’t try to be so independent that you refuse to ask for help. To build a more loving relationship within your family, be willing to help them when they need it, and be willing to ask for help from them when you need it.

10

Show and say that you love them.

Start a family trend of expressing your love for each other. There might be more love within your family than it seems—everyone might just be taking it for granted! Instead of assuming that they know you love them, tell them you love them. Likewise, show your love by leaving little notes, giving small gifts “just because,” and being helpful and caring overall.^{[10]
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- Say “I love you” to family members when you really feel it, so that it’s meaningful when you use those words.

11

Discuss your desire to spend more time together.

Explain that you want to become closer as a family. It’s very difficult to build a loving family relationship if you don’t spend much time together. Let your family know that you want to try to spend more time together, and explain why that will benefit everyone.^{[11]
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- For example: “I’d really like to make the effort to spend more time with you guys. It seems like all of us—me included—are always off doing our own things, and I hope you’ll agree that we can become closer if we find ways to spend more time together.

12

Arrange activities based on shared interests.

Take the initiative to plan get-togethers that everyone can enjoy. Use your knowledge of your family to come up with activities that suit everyone’s interests. It’s true that you won’t be able to please everyone with every activity, but you can at least avoid doing things that one or more family members truly dislike.^{[12]
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Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
- You might go on a picnic, visit a museum, attend a sporting event, see a concert, or just go for a nature walk together.
- Once you get the ball rolling with coming up with family activities, let each family member take turns choosing what to do together.

13

Hang out together without making big plans.

Seize life’s little opportunities to just be present with your family. Family time doesn’t always have to be scheduled in advance! Be ready and willing to join in when other family members are doing something or just simply hanging out. Listen to music, read, watch movies or TV, garden together, and so on. Just being in each others' presence will hopefully spur interaction, conversation, and deeper connections.^{[13]
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- Yes, it’s also true that “together time” can sometimes result in disputes and arguments. Take a break when being together is getting contentious and try again another time. Don’t give up!

14

Confide in a true friend for added support.

Share your concerns with someone who will genuinely listen and help. While it’s important to talk to your family about your desire to feel more loved by them, it may be tough for you to go to them first. If so, confide in a close friend, another relative, a mentor, or even a professional therapist. Sharing your feelings openly and honestly will be a big relief and make it easier to figure out how to approach your family.^{[14]
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- You might raise the subject to a close friend like this: "Cam, I know you already know that I've been having some major issues with my family. I really need to talk to someone I can trust about how I see things and feel about the situation. I'd also really like to hear what you have to say about things. Is this a good time to talk?"
- This trusted person might give you advice for approaching your family or even end up serving as a mediator to help facilitate the process. Or, they might help you realize that your family is incapable of providing the love you crave and deserve.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I relate to other family members?

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Family Coach
Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Family Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Just try to be your best self and listen to your family members so you can grow closer to them.
Question

How do I get my family to respect me again?

Community Answer

You need to prove to them that you are worth their respect. Help them out even when they don't ask for help and be with them. Also be patient. Don't expect respect straight away, as you need to earn it.
Question

Is it okay that when someone asks for help, I help them, but when I need help or need to tell them something they ignore me?

Community Answer

No, that's not okay. Talk to your family about how you're feeling and how they aren't there for you when you need them. Make sure the conversation is calm and reasonable, and provide examples of what you're talking about. If the situation continues, consider family therapy, and try to make some close friends that you can rely on when your family is not helpful.

Warnings

Don’t sacrifice who you are or risk your wellbeing in an effort to be loved by your family. Some family situations are simply too dysfunctional and beyond repair. If your family is unable or unwilling to love you, build a surrogate family out of loving friends who truly care for you.

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