Why Am I Attracted to Older Men?

Co-authored by Erika Kaplan and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

Do you find yourself feeling attracted to older men? You might be interested in figuring out why; is it psychological, or something else entirely? The truth is, you can’t control who you’re attracted to. And even though stereotypes around older/younger relationships do exist, you should know that your feelings are totally normal. We’re here to help you figure yourself out. To learn why you’re attracted to older men (and what to do about it), read on.

Things You Should Know

Being attracted to older men is totally normal, and even though stigmas around age-gap relationships exist, you should follow your heart.
Typically, young people like the experience and maturity of older men. After years of dating around, older guys tend to know what they want.
Or, they might be interested in older men's security, refined look, or their sexual experience.
If you want to stop dating older men, understanding your attraction to them can help. For instance, you can look for the same qualities in men your own age instead.

Section 1 of 2:

Why am I attracted to older men?

1
You’re biologically hardwired. Some studies suggest that younger people have an evolutionary pull toward older men. Some of this relates to genetics—theoretically, older men have higher status and more resources at their disposal. Because of this, you might be drawn to physical features that signal this status. You might be totally enamored by his:^{[1]
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- Salt and pepper hair
- Classic style
- Crows feet and wrinkles
2
You crave stability. Most people spend their younger years figuring themselves and their lives out. Older men have already worked through all of this; and in fact, they’re probably well-established professionally, financially, and personally. If you’re attracted to that, that makes total sense! Success can make you feel protected in a relationship—like if you needed help, he could take care of you. Specifically, you might like:^{[2]
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- That he’s super successful in his career. He might be able to discuss fascinating career wins and personal knowledge.
- That his home or apartment is well-furnished. He’s had years to create a curated environment, and you might love that.
- That he’s settled financially. While a younger man might still be taking financial risks and building up his savings, you might appreciate that he has extra cushioning.
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3
You’re attracted to maturity. Older men have had time to figure themselves out—he’s probably happy with himself and his choices. Because of this, he’ll likely struggle less with insecurities that can hurt your relationship. So you know those mind games that younger men play? He’s not interested in them. And if you’re into that kind of composure, that makes sense. He might also:^{[3]
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- Be honest with you about his feelings. He’s not likely to hold back in an effort to keep you guessing. When an older man is interested, he’ll probably tell you.
- Respect your ambition. Less insecurity means less of a chance that he’s threatened by your success. He might be more likely to support and celebrate your career.
- Understand his role in a healthy relationship. An older man has been in great relationships and bad ones. He knows what he needs to do to make this relationship a great one.
4
You’re tired of men your own age. After tons of bad dates with immature guys, it makes sense that you’d be looking for greener pastures. If you’re suddenly only interested in older men, it could be because you’re turned off by bad experiences with dates your own age. Subconsciously, you might be looking for a way to avoid the same heartbreak or frustrations. Specifically younger guys might’ve been:^{[4]
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- Unfaithful
- Unwilling to commit
- Poor communicators
5
You like their sexual experience. It can take years to come into your own sexually. If you’re attracted to older men, you might just like that they know exactly what to do and exactly how to do it. After years of practicing their moves, pleasing their partners, and reflecting on their own sexual desires, your older crush might just be exceptional between the sheets. That makes total sense!
- Because older men might be more secure in themselves, some might be more comfortable with your sexuality, too.^{[5]
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- Specifically, if you have certain things that you really like, he might be totally comfortable meeting those needs.
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You’re looking to get married or have kids. Most older men know what they want in life—they’re not still taking time to figure themselves out. Because of this, they might be more likely to make serious commitments, unlike younger men. ^{[6]
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Research source} So if you’re ready to get married or to start a family, it makes sense that you’d be attracted to people who want the same thing. Oftentimes, shared relationships are what makes a relationship built to last. So you're starting with a great foundation!
- Older men are also more likely to already have kids themselves. You might be attracted to this, too. Maybe you love how much he cares for his little ones. That's a sweet quality!
7
The attraction might be mutual, so it happens naturally. Maybe, when you think back, it's not always you pursuing older crushes. Studies show that when older men get divorced, they tend to seek out younger partners. So in that case, it not might be that you're especially attracted to older men. Instead, they might be seeking you out—and because for you, the attraction happens to be mutual, you're ending up in age-gap romances.^{[7]
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You appreciate old-fashioned dating norms. Maybe the texts, the 3 am calls, and hook-up culture generally just doesn't appeal to you at all. You might just love the idea of flowers on a first date, car doors held open, and sweet, traditional romance. Older guys who grew up in a different generation may be more capable of giving you this.
- In short, maybe it's not that you're especially attracted to older men; more so, you're attracted to their style of romance.^{[8]
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Section 2 of 2:

How should I handle my attraction to older men?

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If you’re worried about other people’s opinions: remember that you don’t owe anyone any explanations. This is about you, your life, and your relationship—and even though age gap relationships are more likely to receive annoying questions and critiques, remind yourself that your opinion is the only one that really matters.^{[9]
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Research source} When people share unwelcomed opinions, try this:
- Explain that it’s not their business: “This is my relationship, not yours. I don’t pass judgment on your love life, so why do you feel so comfortable doing that to me?”
- Shift their focus to a positive: “I get that you don’t like our age gap, but he loves me and treats me well. Doesn’t that make you feel happy for me?”
- Set a boundary and change the subject: “To be honest, I don’t want to hear your opinion on this in the future. Let’s talk about something new.”
2
If your crush isn’t available: move on to someone who can give you what you’re looking for. Older men might be more likely to be married or in poor health—in short, there are less eligible bachelors within your preferred age range. That’s okay! Just keep looking, know your worth, and don’t waste time on someone who can’t—or won’t—provide the relationship you want. And in most cases, married men especially can’t do that for you.^{[10]
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- The dating pool is a little smaller in this age range, but that doesn’t mean that your dream guy isn’t out there, waiting to be found. Don’t give up!
3
If he isn’t sure what he wants: be cautious and consider moving on. The truth is, older men have had tons of time to develop their interests and figure out what their goals are. If you’re dating a man in his 50s or 60s and he’s still totally unsure, that might be a bit of a red flag. Have an open discussion about what you two are looking for and if it’s not compatible, do your best to move on.^{[11]
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- When you start to develop feelings for him, open up a discussion: “Hey, I wanted to talk about what we’re both looking for here, because I’m starting to like you.”
- Ask him what he’s looking for: “I want something serious eventually. It doesn’t have to be right now, but do you think that’s where this is headed?”
- Reflect on his response. Is there a compromise here, or is this not worth pursuing? Discuss with a friend or try journaling if you need more clarity.
4
If he won’t share his prosperity with you: reflect on his reasonings and communicate openly. In healthy relationships, trust and compromise are a must. In most serious relationships, some level of finances are shared—if he doesn’t have any interest in doing this, ask him to be honest about why that is.^{[12]
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Research source} If it’s lack of trust or a sign that he’s not serious, consider moving on.
- For instance, let’s say you’re engaged, but he’s asking you to sign a brutal prenup. Investigate further: “Why is it so important to you that I’m shut off from your finances?”
- Ask him whether or not he trusts you and takes you seriously enough to truly share a life together.
- Then, decide whether or not the relationship can continue. Trust your gut—if he says no, ask yourself if that’s something you can handle down the line.
5
If you don’t want to date older men anymore: look for younger men with qualities you admire in older men. Mature, stable, self-aware men in their 20s and 30s absolutely exist. If you’re having trouble sticking to a younger age range, consciously enter the dating scene with these qualities in mind. When you go on a date with a younger man, look for signs that he has the traits that you’re looking for.^{[13]
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- After a few dates, ask him what he’s looking for in his romantic life. Does he want kids or marriage down the line?
- Does he have his life together generally? Is he on a solid career path?
- Is he a straight shooter, or does he play games?