This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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Being with a married man might feel exhilarating at first. But, if he fails to end his marriage and commit to you fully, you may need to make the choice to end things. Walking away can be challenging, but you can successfully cut ties by remembering your worth and getting support from someone who loves you. Once you’re ready, have the talk with your married lover and let him know that you can’t be with him anymore. Then, shake up your routine to stay away from him for good.
Steps
Making the Decision
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1Tell yourself you deserve better. However you came to be in a relationship with a married man, you deserve better than to settle for scraps of his attention and affection. Remind yourself of your true value by affirming all the ways you are a great person worthy of healthy love.[1]
- Tell yourself, “I am smart. I am beautiful. I am caring. I deserve someone who loves me and only me. I deserve more.”
- Repeat it over and over until you start to shout it more confidently, until you start to actually believe it.
- Even if you don't believe that you deserve better, you do. You can start your statements with something like, "I will find a way to end this dead-end relationship."
- Tell yourself, “I am smart. I am beautiful. I am caring.
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2Create a list stating why walking away is a good idea. Build up the courage to leave the affair by listing all the reasons you are unhappy or dissatisfied with the way things are. You might include things like, “I don’t like spending holidays alone” or “I want someone I can build a future with.”Advertisement
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3Get support from a friend. Go to a friend you can trust and tell them about your situation. Let them know that you want to end things with the married man and ask for support.[2]
Opening Up to a Friend
Be as honest as you can be. It might be difficult, and you may have never told anyone about this before, but now is the time to be honest. Talking to a trusted friend or family member can help you get perspective and show you what you need to do. Tell them you need to talk about something difficult, and ask them to listen without judgment.
Be specific in the kind of support you need. If you want advice, ask for it; if you don’t, say that you just need them to listen right now. You may want something as simple as a hug, or some more substantial support, like practicing what you’ll say during the breakup talk.
Tip: Meet your friend at a time you’d usually see your married man. Get coffee, go out to dinner, or invite them over to watch a movie. This will give you something to look forward to, instead of seeing him. -
4Grieve in whatever way feels right. Undoubtedly, you will feel emotional pain once you come to terms with your decision. Take a few days to be gentle with yourself. Curl up in your bed, watch romantic movies, and cry. Shout your frustrations at the top of your lungs.[3]
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There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a relationship.Do whatever you need to do to release the pain.
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5See a therapist if you need help gaining the courage to leave. Starting a relationship with someone who is unavailable may become a pattern for you, so consult with a therapist. This professional can talk to you about destructive habits that may be keeping you from the love you truly deserve.[4]
- A therapist can also coach you on leaving a married man, so that you have the confidence to actually go through with it.
Having the Talk
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1Make plans to meet in advance. Call up your lover and arrange to meet with him ahead of time. Tell him that the two of you need to talk. Be clear that this meeting is special and different from a typical rendezvous.
- You might call or text and say, "Hey, can we get together on Tuesday. We need to talk about our relationship."
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2Meet in public, if possible. Making a face-to-face public meeting will help keep the conversation civil and brief. Try meeting at an out of the way café or on a park bench during less-trafficked hours.[5]
- Don’t get intimate with him during the meeting or make him think things are normal. Let him know that you need to have a serious talk.
- If you prefer not to meet face-to-face, write a letter, schedule a phone call, or send an email—just make sure your intentions are clearly stated.
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3Focus on your needs, not his. Resist the urge to apologize or attend to his feelings during the conversation. Make this about you and your needs. Boldly tell him that you will not settle for being No. 2 anymore and that you want to end things.[6]
Telling him how you feel:
Telling him it’s over: “I’ve thought things over, and decided that we should stop seeing each other.”
“You know as well as I do that this can’t last.”
“It’s time for me to walk away.”
Giving a reason: “You can’t give me what I need. I need to move forward and find someone who can.”
“This relationship isn’t good for me. I need to leave now before I get hurt anymore.”
“I deserve more than this.” -
4Be firm. Your lover might attempt to dissuade you against ending the affair. He might toss out promises that he will leave his spouse and be with you. Don’t fall for it. You have made your decision, so stand firm.[7]
Standing by your decision:
Stand tall and look him in the eye. Lift your chin and make direct eye contact to show him that you’ve made your decision. Try not to fiddle with your hands or cross your arms, which make it seem like you’re not sure.
Stay strong if he tries to change your mind. Shake your head and tell him to stop if he’s making excuses or trying to convince you to stay. Repeat “It’s over,” until he stops.
Ignore his empty promises. Some married loves are great at stringing along. Remember that he’s already shown that his words don’t mean much. Stay strong in your decision. -
5Set boundaries for the future. Before you part ways, be clear about your expectations moving forward.It’s best to cut ties completely,so tell him that you do not want to see or hear from him again.[8]
- Say, “George, I’d like you to delete my phone number, email address, and home address. Don’t call me or drop by my apartment. Please respect my choice.”
- You can also add, "I will not answer my phone or my door."
Getting Some Distance
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1Take a trip to break up your routine. After ending the affair, take some time away for yourself. Plan a solo getaway somewhere you have been dying to visit or take a weekend trip to a nearby city with your best friends. You might also visit friends or relatives with whom you’ve fallen out of touch.
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Visiting a different place can help you stay grounded and positive after the decision.Plus, if you’re around loved ones, you will feel care for and hopeful about the future.
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2Make changes to your daily routine. Shake up your daily life by filling the holes where your married man used to be. Switching up some aspects of your routine helps you maintain some distance from the married man. It also helps you build new memories on your own.[9]
Changing Things Up
Setting new goals: Take up a new fitness activity, like running or yoga.
Redecorate your home.
Complete an artistic project, like a story or painting.
Connecting with new people: Join a club, like a book club.
Get involved in a local organization, like a school or church.
Spend time with friends and ask them to introduce you to their co-workers or other acquaintances.
Try online dating when you’re ready to meet someone new. -
3Change your phone number if he won't stop contacting you. To truly cut ties, get a new phone number so he can no longer reach you. When you install your new contacts, be sure his number is not on the list.You could also keep your number and block his, so you don’t get calls or texts from him.[10]
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4Delete him on social media. Cut off all contact with the married man by unfollowing or unfriending him on all of your social media platforms. That way, you don’t get the urge to reconnect.[11]
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This also helps you move on without punishing yourself.The whole process is hurtful enough without you having to see pics of him and his happy family on your news feed.
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5Avoid seeing your ex-lover. Try your best to avoid all the places he frequents, so you don’t have to run into him. If you know he spends time in a certain bar on weekends, suggest to your friends that you check out a new place for drinks. Go to a new place for lunch if you typically snuck away to a café downtown.[12]
- If you work with him, see if you can be switched to a different department or a different shift. If not, restrict contact to work-related discussions only.
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6Reconnect with others. Help yourself break away from the affair by planning platonic activities with old friends. You may have disappeared or disconnected during your time with your married man, so show them you're back and wanting to reconnect.[13]
- Even if it's been a while, try reaching out with a "Hey, what are you up to this weekend? I miss you, and I'd love to hang out."
- If you have good friends who did not know about the affair, consider telling them about it so you can get some additional support.
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201703/8-steps-improving-your-self-esteem
- ↑ http://living.thebump.com/inner-strength-leave-married-man-15110.html
- ↑ http://living.thebump.com/inner-strength-leave-married-man-15110.html
- ↑ https://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/08/what-i-learned-from-having-an-affair-with-a-married-man-jennifer-garam/
- ↑ https://www.thehopeline.com/how-to-break-up
- ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-7610/17-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-after-a-breakup.html
- ↑ http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a52659/the-other-woman-deserves-sympathy-too/
- ↑ https://www.thehopeline.com/how-to-break-up
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-you-us/201408/3-ways-take-care-yourself-after-breakup
- ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-7610/17-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-after-a-breakup.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201612/4-reasons-stay-out-contact-your-ex>
- ↑ http://www.futurescopes.com/romance/affairs-and-infidelity/3953/how-end-extramarital-affair-your-spouse-comes-know
- ↑ http://time.com/4779713/friendship-ghosting/
About This Article
Walking away from a married man may seem hard, but by focusing on your needs and talking to him directly about your choice, you can do it! Talk to a close friend about your situation, since they can give you moral support. You could also try writing down or thinking about all the things you want from a relationship, which will show you that you deserve better than being with someone who isn’t prepared to commit to you. When you’re ready to talk to him, arrange a meeting in a public place, like a cafe or outdoors, to ensure your safety. Be clear that this isn’t a regular meeting by telling him in advance that you need to talk and avoiding any intimacy when you meet. If he tries to persuade you not to go, stay calm and look him in the eye as you explain that you’re standing by your decision. Explain your expectations for the future and that you don't want to see him again. For tips from our Relationship co-author on how to recover emotionally after the breakup, read on!
