How to Tell if Your Feelings Are Unrequited: Expert Insight

Pay attention to how your crush acts to figure out if they share your feelings…or if it’s time to move on

Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT | Edited by Dev Murphy

Last Updated: March 24, 2023

When you’re hardcore crushing on someone, the last thing you want to hear is that they’re not into you in the same way. (Trust us, been there, done that.) But knowing for sure that the apple of your eye doesn't return your feelings can help you let go and move on sooner. (Who knows, maybe you'll even meet someone better!) If you’ve been crushing on someone and you’re starting to suspect they might not feel the same way about you, this article is for you. We’ve compiled a list of expert-backed signs that the person you’re into doesn’t feel the same way. Check them out below.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed relationship therapist, Alysha Jeney, owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the co-founder of The Modern Love Box. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

Observe how they act around you: do they treat you like they treat everyone else? If they don’t act like you're special, they’re probably not interested.
See if they remember details about you and seem to want to develop a close, personal relationship. If not, your crush might be one-sided.
Listen to your gut. Deep down, you can probably sense whether your crush shares your feelings.
Remember that if they don’t like you back, it’s not a reflection of your worth. There are plenty of other people out there who will appreciate how awesome you are!

1

They don’t try to talk to you.

If they like you…they’ll talk to you. They’ll go out of their way to chat, to learn more about you, to talk about themselves, to develop a real connection. They’ll probably try to make you laugh and they’ll laugh at all your dumb jokes in return. They might even come up with excuses to talk to you, like asking, “Hey, did you get the homework done?” If they don’t go out of their way to talk to you…it might be a sign to move on.

2

They don’t remember the little things about you.

Someone who likes you will learn you. You've got a crush. You know this. When they drop their pencil in class, you see where it rolls. When they said their favorite color was toothpaste-green, you made a mental note. You notice everything about them—and if they like you, they’ll do the same.
- How many times do you have to repeat yourself for them to remember what you’ve said? How many times do you have to remind them that no, you still haven’t finished watching Breaking Bad yet so please don’t give away any more spoilers? Love is attention, and if they can’t spare it for you, they’re not worth your time.

3

They don’t try to touch you.

Craving intimacy is a sign of affection. Flirtatious shoulder brushes, delicate elbow grazing, high-fives masking the desire for intimate physical contact—what’s more delicious than stolen touches from your crush? If your crush likes you in return, they’ll likely go out of their way to subtly touch you.
- Then again, if you notice your crush seize up and spring away from you when you come close, that could be an indicator they like you a lot and are extremely anxious about it.

4

They don’t listen when you talk.

If they like you, they’ll hang on your every word. To be fair, not listening when you talk doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to date you, but why would you want to date someone who doesn’t pay attention when you speak? You deserve someone who hears you, really hears you.

5

They’re dating other people.

If they’re not single, they’re probably not interested in seeing anyone else. Arguably the biggest sign that they’re not into you, though nothing is for-sure. If you know your crush likes someone else or is actively dating another person, it’s a sign they probably don’t have eyes for you.
- OK, yes, there's a possibility that even if they're dating someone they might still like you, but it's best to just not even go there.

6

They don’t get jealous when you date someone else.

Healthy jealousy is an indicator they want you for themselves. Sure, you don’t want your crush to be angry and possessive, but seeing you with another romantic interest will likely spark some insecurity in them. If they don’t display any unease when you make eyes at someone else or go out on hot dates with other people…it’s probably because they aren’t interested themselves. It sucks.^{[1]
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- Don't date someone else just to try to make your crush jealous. That said, going out with someone else could help to remind you that there are other fish in the sea! At the very least, it'll be a fun new experience that distracts you from your crush.

7

They refer to you as a friend.

An admirer will let you know you’re more than just a bud. Arguably, every solid relationship began as a friendship. But if your crush consistently refers to you as their pal, their friend, their study buddy…it might be a sign they want to keep you in the friendzone.^{[2]
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- It can be super tough getting over a crush on a friend, but try to appreciate the relationship you have with them. If they're a close friend, you might even be able to talk to them about your situation.

8

They’re not curious about your social life.

If they dig you, they’ll want to know who you spend your free time with. They’ll ask you about your weekend plans—who you’re seeing, what you’re doing. They’ll probably try to subtly ask if that close buddy of yours is just a buddy or something more. They’ll casually-not-casually ask if you’re dating anyone. All the things you sweat over about them, they’ll be wondering about you, too. And if they’re not, unfortunately, it could mean they just don’t return your feelings.

9

They don’t flirt with you.

Smiling, teasing, and having fun with you are signs they’re into you. If they don’t do these things, it’s possible they’re just nervous, but it’s also very likely they just aren’t interested in doing them. You deserve big-time flirting, dear. Grinning, tickling, laughing, teasing, light touches—all of that, and more.

10

They treat you the same as everyone else.

Someone who likes you will show it by treating you differently. Maybe this means they seem more nervous around you than they are around other people. Maybe it means they’re way friendlier to you than to everyone else. However they’re behaving, if they like you, it’ll be different from how they act with other people. If they treat you like they treat everyone, it’s probably a sign they don’t see you as special.

11

They don’t engage with you on social media.

If they aren’t sliding into your DMs, what are they even doing? Assuming your crush is on social media and is fairly active, if they like you, they’ll be paying you some attention. They’ll at least be watching every single one of your Instagram stories. At least. More than likely, they’ll be liking and commenting on your thirst traps and sliding into your DMs, to boot. If not…they might not be worth your time.
- Obviously, this only applies to crushes with social media. Some people are old school and prefer to have no online presence. We stan a mystery.

12

They don’t make eye contact with you.

Someone who’s into you will hold your gaze. If your crush’s eyes don’t ever seem to land on you, it’s potentially a sign they’re just not that into you. Of course, avoiding eye contact could be a sign they’re into you and are too nervous to lock glances. But if it just seems like they don’t see you at all…it’s a red flag, babe.

13

You always have to be the one to reach out.

If they don’t initiate conversation, your crush is likely one-sided. When someone likes you, they will try to be around you. They’ll initiate hangouts, and they’ll text you first sometimes—and other times you initiate hangouts and you text first, and back and forth and on and on until you both die. That’s how love works. But if you’re consistently the one reaching out to them, it’s a sign your feelings are probably unrequited. You deserve so, so much more than a one-sided relationship. And it’s out there. We swear.
- If you're always the one making plans, why not make them with someone else? Asking another buddy to hang can help take your mind of your crush.
- You can always meet new people to hang out with (or even develop a delicious new crush on) by taking a class, joining a gym, or, if you're the bold sort, just walking up to a stranger and saying "How 'bout them Yankees?"

14

Their texts are brief.

If you’re the one carrying the convo, your feelings might be unrequited. You text them to ask how their day was, or to ask them about the homework that day, or to share a stupid meme. Their response should be something that fosters conversation, indicates engagement, and encourages you to keep sharing. If their responses are short and continually put the onus to keep up the convo on you, they’re not worth your time. Let the conversation die.
- There's always the possibility your crush is shy. If you suspect this, or aren't ready to throw in the towel just yet, you can try reviving the conversation by changing the subject or asking them for more information about something they mentioned earlier, because people often like to talk about themselves.
- Asking your crush for more info about themselves will also help them feel appreciated by you, which can't hurt your chances.

15

They don’t seem nervous around you.

If they don’t act flustered around you, they may not return your feelings. When you’re into someone, you probably experience some nervousness around them: sweaty palms, red face, stuttering speech. You know. But if your crush doesn’t seem to be as nervous around you as you are around them, it might be a sign they don’t return your feelings.
- Keep in mind, though, that they might be nervous and just be really, really, really good at hiding it! If your crush doesn’t seem nervous, but they also don’t display most of the other signs on this list, it’s possible they do like you.

16

They take a long time to reply to your texts.

If they like you, they’ll be available to talk. If you send out a “good morning” text and they don’t respond until morning is well over and done with, it might be a sign they’re not invested in the conversation. A late reply once or twice isn’t a big deal, but if it happens consistently—and if, more importantly, when they do reply, they don’t carry on the conversation—it’s a red flag, hon.
- Of course, your crush might not be a big texter, and that’s perfectly OK!
- But if a) you know for a fact they’re addicted to their phone, but they’re not replying to you, or b) they also aren’t eager to talk with you face-to-face or over the phone, it’s probably a sign your feelings are one-sided.

17

They don’t compliment you.

Someone who likes you will want to make you feel good about yourself. They’ll tell you what they like about you. They’ll compliment you on your hair ‘do or on that really tough math test you aced or on how good you are at skeeball or whatever it is you’re into. If your crush doesn’t acknowledge you with sincere flattery, if they don’t seem to delight in you or want to lift you up with words of encouragement, it’s a sign they probably don’t share your feelings.

18

They don’t find you impressive or exciting.

If your crush likes you, they’ll be bowled over by your accomplishments. When you finish the novel you’ve been laboring over for 3 years or you score the winning goal at the big game, what’s their reaction? If they seem disinterested or distantly polite, it’s probably a sign they’re not interested. It’s truly their loss.

19

They don’t try to impress you.

If they like you, they'll show off for you. Related to the last red flag, if they don’t seem to care about impressing you, they may just not be interested. Someone who’s into you will always care about what you think of them, and they’ll likely go out of their way to show off in front of you, whether it’s by trying too hard to be funny, or by casually-not-casually announcing near you that they got an A on that big history midterm. Someone who wants you will crave your attention and approval.

20

They always have excuses for why they can’t hang out.

Someone who returns your feelings won’t flake. They won't show up to your hangouts 20 minutes late, and they won't make flimsy excuses for bailing. If this person wants you back, they’ll show up—no doubt about it. In the event an emergency situation interferes with their ability to meet you for coffee or that study sesh, they will let you know and make it up to you. If they flake on a hang out, or always seem to have a reason not to meet up, it’s a sign they don’t prioritize time spent with you, which is a red flag.

21

They don’t open up to you.

Someone who likes you will share personal info with you. They’ll want you to know about them—their past, their dreams, their secrets. (Well, maybe not all at once, but they should at least be giving you some personal deets about themselves.) This shows that they feel a connection with you and want to cultivate it. If your crush typically keeps things surface-level…sorry, they might not be the one.

22

They avoid you.

If they sense you like them, they might try to distance themselves. It’s possible your crush is picking up on your feelings, and they don’t want to falsely encourage your crush, so they avoid you. It’s a kindness, really, but it sucks.

23

They don’t notice when you’re not there.

Someone who cares about you will notice when you’re not around. In fact, they’ll likely be so, so bummed when you’re not around! (Think about how you feel when they’re not around. They should be feeling that, too.) If this person doesn’t seem to mind one way or the other if you’re absent, it’s not a good sign. You deserve someone who misses you when you're not there.

24

You can sense they don’t like you back.

When someone isn’t into you, you can just feel it. Deep in your gut, you can probably tell if the person you’re into isn’t harboring secret feelings in return. We’re not talking about self-deprecation, here: you might sense this person doesn’t share your feelings, but it’s not because you aren’t worthy of love. If this person doesn’t share your feelings, that’s OK—someone else will. We swear.
- Unrequited love is one of the worst feelings, we know, and our heart aches for you. Take this time to focus your affection inward, on yourself.Give yourself the love you aren’t getting from this other person, and trust that better things are coming. They are—we promise.