11 Rules For Successful Polyamorous Relationships: Tips, Boundaries, & More

Learn how polyamorous relationships work—and how to set rules and boundaries for you and your partners

Last Updated: March 15, 2023 References

Are you thinking of exploring polyamory? If so, you’re not alone. These unconventional relationships can be incredibly fulfilling—but they also have rules, just like monogamous relationships do. From agreeing on who to date, to practicing safe sex, polyamorous people set all kinds of rules to ensure their relationships are loving, healthy, and supportive. We’ve put together a list of the most important rules for polyamory. Keep reading to learn how to apply these rules to your relationships, and how these rules can help you navigate the challenges—and adventures—of having multiple partners.

Things You Should Know

If you have a primary partner, get their consent before pursuing polyamory. Get permission before having sex or pursuing relationships with new people.
Practice clear communication and set boundaries with your partners. Create a list of rules indicating who you can date, what kinds of sex are permitted, etc.
Check in with your partners regularly to discuss feelings, experiences, and concerns that come up. Be honest with them—and with yourself.
Give your partners space to enjoy their own relationships. Avoid being controlling, but don’t be afraid to advocate for your needs. Always practice safe sex.

1

Get your partner’s consent.

Make sure you have their explicit permission to date other people. This includes permission to engage in sex, pursue romantic connections, or date specific people within your social circle. Likewise, your partner must get your consent before engaging in their own relationships.^{[1]
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- Be sure to get your partner’s consent for specific sexual activities, since they may have different preferences or boundaries for different scenarios.
- For instance, group sex poses a higher risk for STIs than sex with individual partners, so be sure to discuss this activity and obtain your partner’s consent before engaging in it.

2

Set clear boundaries.

Create a list of do’s, don'ts, and rules for your relationship. Have a conversation with your partner (or partners, plural) to discuss what you want, what you’re comfortable with, and what’s allowed vs. not allowed. Set clear emotional and physical limits for your relationships and make sure you’re in agreement before moving forward.^{[2]
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- For emotional boundaries, you could ask: Is it okay to become romantically involved with other partners?
- For physical boundaries: Are specific sex acts off the table? If you live with a primary partner, are you allowed to bring other partners home?

3

Practice clear communication.

Talk openly about your feelings and needs. If your partner makes you feel happy and appreciated, let them know it. If you’re upset with your partner, bring up your concerns with them. Discuss your boundaries frequently, especially if your boundaries are changing as you have new experiences.^{[3]
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- Practice active listening when you talk to your partner. It’s important to be receptive to their feelings and needs too.
- Consider seeing a relationship counselor or couple’s therapist who specializes in polyamory and ethical nonmonogamy. They can help you navigate the challenges of polyamory such as practicing good communication.

4

Check in with your partners regularly.

Set a specific time to chat about your relationship. For example, if you have a primary partner, you can schedule a weekly “check in” to discuss how you’re both feeling or address any concerns that came up during the previous week. Polycules and throuples can also schedule meetings to catch up and make sure everyone is on the same page.^{[4]
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- Planning is extremely important for polyamorous relationships since multiple people’s schedules have to be taken into account.
- Use an app like Google Calendar to help everyone agree on dates and times.

5

Respect your partner’s partners.

Remember that your partner will have their own relationships. It’s normal to express interest in your partner’s relationships, but passing judgment, keeping tabs, or meddling in those relationships can be controlling and unfair. Show your partner’s partners the same respect you’d want your own partners to receive.^{[5]
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- Depending on the kind of polyamory you practice, you may—or may not—know your partner’s partners personally.
- Your partner’s partners will want to spend time with your partner, just like you will. You’ll have to accommodate them to some degree.

6

Practice safe sex.

Use condoms and barrier protection to prevent the spread of STIs. Get tested regularly and ask your partners to do the same. Share your results with your partners prior to having sex. If necessary, you can use barrier contraception and hormonal birth control to help prevent unwanted pregnancy.^{[6]
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Collection of medical information sourced from the US National Library of Medicine
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- Certain sexual practices, like anal sex, pose a higher risk for STI transmission. Use condoms to reduce the risk.
- PrEP, short for “pre-exposure prophylaxis,” is highly effective in preventing the transmission of HIV and is available to people regardless of their HIV status. Ask your doctor or visit a local health clinic for a prescription.^{[7]
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  Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
  Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
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- While condoms, hormonal birth control, and certain medications are highly effective at preventing STI transmission and unwanted pregnancy, accidents can still happen. Abstaining from sexual activity is the only method that is 100% effective in preventing pregnancy and STIs.

7

Have realistic expectations about your relationships.

Your partner’s needs and feelings won’t always align with yours. Your sex drives, levels of attraction, and interest in commitment might differ or change over time. Your partners will also have jobs, families, and other priorities—not to mention, partners of their own—so you may not be able to see them as often as you would if you were in a monogamous relationship.^{[8]
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- As always, communication is key to managing expectations. Talk with your partners to make sure you’re on the same page.

8

Decide how emotionally involved you want to become.

You can choose to share more of yourself with certain partners. For example, you might introduce some partners to your primary partner (if you have one). Or you might express romantic love to only one person—or only to specific people—but not others.^{[9]
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- Make sure to be upfront with your partners about your emotional needs and expectations. For instance, if you’re not looking for romantic connections, be honest about that.
- Likewise, be aware of your partner’s needs and expectations. Make sure you’re in agreement before pursuing or maintaining a relationship.

9

Avoid being controlling.

Give your partners the freedom to connect with their own partners. Meddling in their relationships, calling or texting them during their dates, or disapproving of their partners for reasons other than abuse or problematic behavior, is controlling and disrespectful. Instead, practice compersion—that is, taking pride in your partner’s pleasure and joy. Trust their judgment and character, just as you’d want them to do for you.^{[10]
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- Polyamory requires trust and maturity from you and everyone you date. For the best experience, be sure to choose partners who have earned your trust and respect.

10

Be willing to end relationships that aren’t working.

Breaking up isn’t easy, especially if you’re polyamorous. But ending an unhappy relationship is important for your wellbeing. Polyamorous relationships can end for the same reasons monogamous relationships do: incompatibility, lack of communication, having different needs, jealousy, lack of attraction, or just being unhappy.^{[11]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- Being polyamorous can complicate breakups, especially if other partners are involved. Talk to your other partners about your situation to see if they can help you navigate a breakup.
- Breaking up does not have to mean cutting off all contact with someone. In many cases, polyamorous people remain friends after breakups—but this is a matter of choice.

11

Be honest with yourself.

Do your best to understand your needs, desires, and feelings. As you explore your sexuality, you might come to realize that your gender or sexual identity isn’t what you thought it was. Your feelings about partners and certain sexual practices might change. You could even decide that polyamory isn’t for you. All of this is totally okay.^{[12]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- As you gain more experience, you’ll come to recognize what you like and don’t like.
- You and your partners will have a better experience if you’re truthful about your preferences and needs.