Have You Outgrown Your Friends? How to Know and What to Do

Co-authored by Ebony Eubanks, MSW, ACSW, CAMS-II and Krysten Jackson

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

As you mature and enter new stages of life, you may grow away from even your closest friends.^{[1]
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Research source} While it is normal for friendships to change, the feeling of drifting from a best friend is understandably uneasy, especially when you still care deeply for them. How can you even tell if you’ve grown apart in the first place? Don’t worry—we’ve prepared this guide to help you get a clearer picture. Read on to learn the signs you’ve grown apart as well as the best ways to either repair your relationship or move on.

Things You Should Know

You may outgrow your friends when your priorities and interests change. If your friends take a different path in life, you won’t have as much in common.
Outgrowing friends is a normal part of getting older. It’s also normal to feel uneasy about this change.
Move on if your friendship has become especially distant or toxic.
Try to rekindle the friendship if you and your friend decide it’s worth saving.

Section 1 of 3:

Signs You’ve Outgrown Your Friends

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You have different priorities. One of you could now be focused on career advancement, starting a family, or taking care of your health. Meanwhile, the other may have less concrete plans for the future, choosing instead to have a good time in the moment.^{[2]
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- A lot of friendships are built on common ground. Big things like raising small children or little things like taste in music and TV shows can shape the conversations you have. Being on different paths in life, you may not have as much to talk about with your friends.
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You only talk about memories. Talking about funny stories from when you were younger can be fun from time to time. However, if you and your friend struggle to talk about anything else, it could be a sign your friendship is rooted in the past.^{[3]
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- Not being able to create new worthwhile memories could signal your friendship has stalled. Keep this in mind if you're focused on personal growth.
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Your idea of a good time is different. What you like to do for fun may be too different from your friends nowadays.^{[4]
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Research source} This gap in your interests can make it difficult to connect or make future plans.
- For example, maybe you used to go clubbing or play pranks with your friends. Now, because of work or kids, you may no longer have the time or energy for activities like this.
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You have a lot of arguments. If any amount of conflict blows up with your friend, you’ve likely grown apart. You may also feel like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid lengthy fights.^{[5]
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- Your friendship may have become toxic if disagreements devolve into personal attacks. If your arguments focus on, for example, appearance or economic status rather than the issue at hand, this may be the case.
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You can’t be yourself around them. If you feel like you can’t say what you actually think or behave how you want around these friends, that is a sign of disconnect. Ask yourself if you feel the need to put on a mask to be accepted, despite being with friends.^{[6]
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You feel drained after being together. Getting together may be more draining than rewarding, nowadays. One or both of you may even feel relieved when an event ends or celebrate when plans get canceled.^{[7]
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You have too much drama with them. Your friendship may feel very hot and cold. You may find your relationship great sometimes, but then a disagreement sparks old grudges the two of you can’t see to move past.^{[8]
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- If you and your friends complain about each other more, that's another sign you’ve grown apart.
- Constant comparison of accomplishments or jealousy may also cause a lot of drama in the friendship.
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You revert to bad habits around them. People are influenced by the company they keep in both good and bad ways.^{[9]
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Research source} If being around your friends enables old unhealthy behavior in you, it could be a sign of an unhealthy friendship.
- Similarly, if you have newer friends that encourage good habits and personal growth, that contrast can also signal you've outgrown your old crew.
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You have trouble maintaining contact. If you find your efforts to stay connected are increasingly one-sided, either on your or your friends' part, you may have drifted from one another.^{[10]
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Research source} Differing schedules or new friend groups may have made talking difficult or less of a priority.
- You or your friend could also be going through something right now that requires some personal space.

Section 2 of 3:

Rekindling the Friendship

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Work on your friendship if you still see a future. Despite growing apart, you may decide that this friendship is too precious to lose. In this case, you may be able to mend your friendship with mutual effort and care.^{[11]
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- Weigh the pros and cons of the friendship. Consider how you support each other, if your conflicts can be solved, what it would take to reconnect, etc. How you respond can help clear up your situation.
- Ask yourself what you ultimately want out of this friendship. A companion? A shoulder to cry on? Someone to go out with? Consider whether that expectation is being met. If not, can that be resolved?
- Think about what would happen if you did end the friendship. What would you lose? Is there anything you would gain?
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Talk with your friend about moving forward. Your friend has likely also noticed the rift in your friendship. Find some time to meet and speak about what concerns you both have and how to fix them. Be honest when sharing your feelings and show compassion as your friend shares theirs.^{[12]
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- ”Our schedules are very different nowadays, and that makes it hard to find time to meet up. I miss hanging out with you, though, and want things to be different.”
- ”Ever since our argument, I feel like we’ve drifted apart. Even though we said some hurtful things, I don’t want that to be the end.”
- Don’t be afraid to reach out first. As awkward as sending the first text after a while can be, taking that leap could be the start of your friendship’s second wind.
- Your friend may not reciprocate your feelings when it comes to making amends. Be prepared for that response and accept it if it happens.^{[13]
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Resolve conflicts. Open communication is key to maintaining a healthy friendship. Holding onto grudges or old drama will likely lead to more conflict in the future. Instead, find the source of the conflict and work to resolve it together. Apologize when necessary, and be ready to forgive.^{[14]
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- If the conflict is caused by miscommunication, hearing each other’s perspectives can help clarify things.
- Maybe the conflict was caused by built-up resentment or jealousy. Though a little more difficult to combat, talking this out can bring you and your friend back to neutral ground.
- The conflict could also be caused by differing expectations. Maybe one of you wants to spend time together, but the other is fine just knowing the other is there when they need them. The difference in how you think about your friendship can lead to misunderstandings.
- If you are not on speaking terms, wait until things have calmed before reaching out. Time can give you a new perspective that makes the solution to your problem much clearer.^{[15]
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Change how you interact with your friend. Your friendship does not need to have the same dynamic as it had when the friendship started. For example, you don’t need to hang out every weekend. Rather, you could check up on each other every once in a while or meet for coffee when your schedules are clear.^{[16]
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- Your deep conversations can change to small talk and little updates if that's what makes you both comfortable.
- Casually meeting up may have been easier in the past thanks to school or work. Now, you may need to be more intentional when making plans, including specific dates and times.
- If physical distance is making connecting difficult, you can schedule time to do a video call or even become each other’s pen pal. The pace of messaging may be slower than you’re used to, but you’ll still be talking.
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Keep in contact. The two of you reaffirm how much you’d like to reconnect when you make plans despite how difficult scheduling can be. If you choose to meet up, text, or call more often, be sure to follow through. Intentionally connecting with someone will help nourish your friendship.^{[17]
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Section 3 of 3:

Letting The Friendship Go

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Give yourself some space. Putting some space between you and your friend can help you see the bigger picture. During your time apart, notice how you’re feeling. Do you miss your friend? Do you feel better away from them? Your answers to these questions can tell you how best to move forward.^{[18]
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- You can stay friends with the person, but they don't have to be in your close circle.
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Move on if the friendship has reached its natural end. If your friendship has grown especially distant or even toxic, this option might be best. You may feel uneasy growing apart from your friend, but don't be too hard on yourself. Maintaining friendships as you grow is hard, and even strong ones can fade.^{[19]
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- Mourning the loss of a friendship can take time.^{[20]
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  Research source} Don't judge yourself too hard for feeling the way you do, whether you feel a lot or not much.
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Write a message to end the friendship if you're afraid to confront them. As you write, spend a lot of time choosing your words carefully. Communicate what wasn’t working for you, be sure to share some positives, and wish them well after your goodbye.^{[21]
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- ”We are in different places in life and it’s time we go explore our own paths. After all we’ve been through together, I wish you the absolute best.”
- Write a draft beforehand and share it with another friend. They can tell you where your tone may sound odd or hurtful, giving you time to revise before sending the message.
- Writing a letter is good for avoiding confrontation, but it might leave your friend feeling blindsided and confused. Choose this option if you can't speak in person or on the phone, or if doing so would not be safe for you.
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Speak with your friend in person to gain closure. Meeting in person gives your friend the opportunity to react in real time and explain their side. You also avoid any misunderstandings that can be caused through text.^{[22]
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- Meet with another friend or someone else you trust to discuss what you’re going to say beforehand. Preparing can make sure you give the right impact and avoid misunderstandings.
- Pick a neutral location like a coffee shop or a public park. That way the two of you can speak openly and make an easy exit if necessary.
- To end things gracefully, it’s best to avoid placing too much blame on your friend. Rather, share responsibility and opt for “I” and “We” statements. For example, “We have a hard time seeing eye to eye,” rather than “You never give my ideas a chance.”
- ”The way we interact has become very uncomfortable for me. I feel hurt when you criticize me.”
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Let the friendship fade naturally for an easy out. If you're okay with a little ambiguity, you may not have to reach out at all. As time has gone on, you may notice that you and your friend have completely different social circles and are fine without each other. Because of this, you may be able to end things quietly.^{[23]
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- In the case of toxic friends, immediately stopping all contact may be best for your safety and mental health.
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Set boundaries for going forward. When moving on from a friendship, it’s necessary to have clear boundaries for the sake of closure. Knowing what your relationship will look like in the future will help tie up loose ends.^{[24]
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- This can look like unfollowing each other on social media, not speaking when you see each other in public, and anything else that will make both you and your friend comfortable.