How to Know if Your Boyfriend Is a Sex Addict

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: September 13, 2022 References

Do you feel like all your boyfriend thinks about is sex? Having a high libido is one thing, but sex addicts take their desire to a whole new level. Fortunately, there are some clear red flags you can watch out for to determine if your boyfriend is a sex addict or not. We’ll walk you through a comprehensive list of signs that his obsession with sex is turning into an addiction.

1

He has a huge stash of pornography.

Excessive pornography is a sure sign that he thinks about sex too often. Watching porn in and of itself isn’t a red flag (and actually, it’s pretty common).^{[1]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.} However, if your boyfriend can’t stop watching pornography or has a huge stockpile on his phone or computer, it might mean that he’s addicted.^{[2]
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- Sex addiction and porn addiction are very closely linked, and your boyfriend might be experiencing both at the same time.
- Before jumping to any conclusions, take some time to explain your feelings about pornography to your BF, and maybe ask why he enjoys it.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.}

2

He is secretive about his phone or computer.

Being secretive could mean he’s doing shady or weird things. Does your boyfriend get nervous when you ask to borrow his computer or phone? If that’s the case, he might be looking at porn or chatting with people online to fulfill his sexual needs.^{[4]
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- Being secretive about his phone isn’t a sure sign that he’s a sex addict, but if it’s combined with a few other red flags, then it can certainly contribute.

3

He masturbates excessively.

Sex addicts often use masturbation to fulfill their desires. You might notice that your boyfriend masturbates a few times a day, or even right after you two have had sex. Masturbating every now and then is fine (and perfectly healthy), but doing it compulsively probably means he has an addiction.^{[5]
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4

He talks about his sexual fantasies all the time.

Sex addicts often have trouble redirecting their thoughts elsewhere. You might find that your boyfriend brings up sex all the time, even when it’s inappropriate or you’re not in the mood. This is most likely because he can’t take his mind off of it, and he wants to share his thoughts with you so they don’t keep bottling up.^{[6]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- He might even share upsetting thoughts with you, like talking about having sex with other people.

5

He is increasingly demanding in the bedroom.

He might be using kinks to try and satisfy his urges. It’s totally fine for you and your boyfriend to explore and try new things. However, if you find that your boyfriend always wants to try something new in the bedroom but doesn’t ever seem satisfied with it, that’s a red flag.^{[7]
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- Remember that you can always tell your boyfriend no if you don’t want to do something in the bedroom.

6

He ignores other parts of his life for sex.

This could be a sign that sex is taking over his life. If your boyfriend is addicted, he might stay home from work, miss family events, or ignore his friends, simply to watch pornography or masturbate. This shows that he’s losing control over his actions, and he’s no longer able to think rationally about sex.^{[8]
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- He might also try to urge you to stay home or ignore your loved ones to have sex with him.

7

He uses sex as a way to cope with stressful situations.

Sex addicts often use sexual pleasure as a way to cope. If you notice that your boyfriend “needs” to have sex every time he’s had a bad day, that’s a red flag. Sex can definitely be comforting to some people, but if your boyfriend is addicted, he’s probably using sex to drown out his deeper emotions.^{[9]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- Using sex as a coping mechanism often becomes a cycle. The more your boyfriend uses sex to cope, the more sex becomes a problem, which increases his need for sex.

8

He has trouble maintaining an erection.

He may be using all of his sexual energy elsewhere. This is not to say that he’s cheating on you necessarily—however, if your boyfriend has trouble getting or maintaining an erection, he may be using pornography or masturbating too much.^{[10]
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Research source} Erectile dysfunction can lead to a lot of shame and embarrassment, and you might notice that your boyfriend initiates sex less often after something like this happens.
- Some sex addicts find that it’s “easier” to satisfy their urges using masturbation and pornography, simply because they can focus on themselves and not anyone else.

9

He cheats on you.

Serial cheating may indicate that he’s using other people for sex. If your boyfriend has cheated on you before and it’s mostly been sexual relationships, there’s a good chance that he’s a sex addict. People who are deep into their addiction don’t care how their actions hurt others—they’re only thinking about their next fix.^{[11]
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- Many sex addicts will also visit sex workers and pay for sex.

10

His need for sex is negatively impacting your relationship.

If you find that your relationship is worsening because of his urges, that’s a red flag. Sex addicts will put their need for pleasure above anything else, even your relationship.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} You might feel frustrated, hurt, or upset by his actions, and for good reason.
- His need for sex might also be negatively impacting his relationships with other people, like his friends and family.

11

He engages in risky sexual behavior.

Sex addicts have trouble making rational decisions while having sex. You might find that your boyfriend has cheated on you without using protection, or has gone to meet up with someone he’s never met just to have sex. These behaviors are clear indicators that he is a sex addict, and he’ll likely need professional help to curb his desires.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- If your boyfriend has engaged in risky behaviors, make an appointment with your doctor to get tested for STDs.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it okay if my boyfriend watches porn?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

Contrary to popular belief, watching pornography is actually a healthy habit as long as it's used within reason and doesn't take over other aspects of a person's life. Many people think that watching pornography is the equivalent of cheating; ultimately, you need to talk to your BF and find a compromise or solution that works for both of you.
Question

Should I stop my boyfriend from watching porn?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

Talk with him first and see if you can reach a compromise. Form boundaries, have guidelines, and keep the conversation going to ensure that you are comfortable with your partner's activity. Trying to control your boyfriend's pornography use may only backfire and result in them hiding it from you, which can weaken trust in the relationship.