How to Keep Your Mouth Shut

Co-authored by Sabrina Grover, LMSW and Jessica Gibson

At some point, not knowing when to stop talking might get you in trouble. Whether you're in the office, talking with friends, or in class, learning when to be silent is a valuable skill. You'll give others the chance to contribute to the conversation. You might prevent hurt feelings or misunderstandings because you'll become a better listener. Above all, when you do choose to speak, people will be more likely to listen to what you have to say.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Stopping Yourself from Speaking Your Mind

1
Imagine speaking your first thoughts but don't actually say them. When you're just starting out with keeping your mouth shut, it can be difficult to not respond when you want to. To help you get over this, think about what you were going to say and imagine how the conversation would play out. Then, don't say what you were going to.^{[1]
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- This is a really effective technique if you get emotional or upset and your immediate urge is to respond.
2
Write down your thoughts instead of speaking. If you still have a difficult time keeping your mouth shut, try writing down your thoughts in a journal. Sometimes, just putting your thoughts down is enough to remove the feeling like you have to talk. Then, you can throw away what you wrote or use the note to phrase what you're planning to say.^{[2]
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- For example, your note might say, "Why did you schedule that party without asking me?! You're thoughtless sometimes." Then, throw the note away without saying that or respond by saying, "I wish you hadn't scheduled the party without talking with me first."
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3
Practice active listening. Pay attention to not only what the person is saying, but how they're saying it. Look for non-verbal cues, such their facial expressions or what they're doing with their hands. You'll have a better idea of what they're trying to communicate and they'll feel more comfortable speaking if they know you won't cut them off.^{[3]
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- For example, if you ask someone if they'd like to babysit your kids and they say, "I'm not sure if I can," don't interrupt them. If they're also frowning and fiddling with their hands, you may tell that they feel uncomfortable with the idea and you shouldn't press them on it.
- Focus on bringing a non-judgmental feeling to that conversation—make sure that they know that you're there to listen and be supportive.
4
Try meditative practices to calm your mind. When someone else is talking, try not to think about what you're going to say. Instead, train your mind to become more peaceful and present in the moment. You might try:^{[4]
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- Meditation
- Yoga
- Reading
- Walking or jogging
- Painting

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Recognizing When to Be Silent

1
Keep quiet instead of complaining or whining. If you tend to speak out about everything and everyone that bothers you, others will begin to see you as a whiner. You might lose some respect and people will be less likely to listen to you.^{[5]
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- This is especially true if you tend to complain about things that you can't change, such as the weather.
2
Hold your tongue if someone is being rude or thoughtless. Everyone has off days where they're short-tempered or just going through something challenging. Instead of getting mad or calling the person out, let them say what they need to and try to be kind.^{[6]
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- The person might feel bad about their behavior later and they'll appreciate that you didn't highlight their poor behavior.
3
Leave gossip to other people. Whether you're around the water cooler or in the hallway between classes, resist the urge to talk about others behind their backs. People are less likely to trust you if they know that you frequently gossip and you might say something hurtful or get into trouble. It's better to stop gossiping altogether.^{[7]
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- Remind yourself why gossiping is harmful. The information you're sharing could be inaccurate or it might make someone angry, for instance.
4
Stop yourself if you're angry and going to say something harmful. It's easy to lash out when you're mad about something, but you're more likely to create conflict if you react in anger. It's much better to not say anything than to say something you'll regret.^{[8]
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- It's also a good idea to keep your mouth shut if saying something would only make another person really angry.
Tip: If you tend to talk more and say hurtful things when you drink, try to quit drinking or only drink when you're around people that you really trust.
5
Hold off on speaking if you're negotiating a deal or making a plan. Keep sensitive information to yourself, especially if it involves other people's decisions. Don't discuss details about a new hire, offer you've been given, or group project you're working on, for instance. Others might not like that you're telling people what's happening, especially if plans aren't final yet. You'll also feel silly if things don't work out like you'd said.^{[9]
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- For example, instead of saying, "I'm going to be the lead in the play because I don't think anyone else has the experience," stay quiet until you know the outcome of casting.
6
Stay silent instead of bragging about yourself. No one like to listen to someone talk about their own accomplishments so don't always bring the focus of the conversation back to yourself. People will appreciate your actions more if someone else mentions them and praises you for them.^{[10]
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- For example, don't say, "I was the one who closed the big deal so you all have me to thank." If you don't say anything, another person might mention the part you played in the success and it will look better coming from someone else.
7
Keep quiet if you don't know the answer to something. If you're in the habit of talking too much, you probably answer questions that you don't even know the answer to. Make an effort to stop doing this. Most people can tell that you don't know what you're talking about and you're wasting everyone's time if you can't move the conversation forward.^{[11]
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- If you find that you must answer, you can say, "I don't know much about this. Does anyone else have any ideas?"
8
Appreciate silence instead of talking to fill it. If no one's speaking and people look slightly uncomfortable, just wait for someone else to talk. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but you'll be able to keep your mouth shut if you practice. Another person might be thinking of something to say or they may be building the courage to join the conversation.^{[12]
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Tip: If you have a hard time holding your tongue, count silently in your head. You might give yourself 3 minutes before saying something, for instance.
9
Avoid oversharing with strangers. If you frequently interact with strangers, it can be tricky to know when you're talking too much. Pay attention to how much personal information you share with people you don't really know. You can still be friendly without telling them everything about your life.^{[13]
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- You should also watch the other person's reaction. For example, if you're talking too much, they may look away, appear bored, or try to walk off.
- This is also true with acquaintances that you don't know very well. People can feel put-off or overwhelmed if you give them too much info about yourself.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Knowing When to Speak Up

1
Give yourself time to think before you talk. Instead of chattering and saying everything that crosses your mind, try to speak with intention. Mentally decide what you're going to say and how you're going to say it.^{[14]
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- You'll appear more confident, especially if you're not pausing and saying, "um," a lot.
2
Ask questions instead of chatting. If you talk too much, you're probably not asking questions or you're not giving people enough time to answer. You'll have a more fulfilling conversation if everyone is interacting and responding with each other. Ask a meaningful question and then wait until the person actually responds. Don't interrupt or answer the question for them.
- Asking questions is especially important in meetings, negotiations, or class.
3
Speak if you can add value to the conversation. Genuinely listen to others and ask yourself if you're contributing to the conversation. If someone else has already said what you were going to say, there's no need to repeat it. Wait to talk until you can say something that's useful or enlightening.^{[15]
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- The more you practice this, the more people will value what you have to say.

Community Q&A

Question

I keep forgetting to keep quiet. I make up my mind as to not say unnecessary things but then I forget about the resolution! What can I do?

Tom De Backer

Top Answerer

As with anything, practice makes perfect. Also, instead of remembering that you want to keep quiet, remember why you want to keep quiet.
Question

What methods can I use or distractions can I make to stop myself from talking too harshly?

Community Answer

By self-checking your words. Think about how you would feel if someone said the same thing to you.
Question

How can I stop myself from always finding excuses for my mistakes and trying to prove I'm right?

Community Answer

Be honest. I'm speaking from experience, and what I do is stop when a) the person I'm talking to looks bored or b) they seem to get the point. Realize that you don't have to be right in everything. It's not going to influence your life if someone declares that hamburgers are Asian food or something. My point is, most of these little things aren't going to matter a day from now, a year from now, so let them go.