How to Intimidate Your Friend's Significant Other Without Scaring Them Away

Ask to see her boyfriend in private. (For simplicity's sake, we'll assume that your friend is a female and her partner is male, but this works with any gender combination). If you plan to approach her boyfriend without your friend present, be sure to be wearing ugly clothes so he does not think you are coming on to him.

Don't be shy. No guy will respond to, "Um, I'm sorry but, uh, could you please, maybe, um, if it's not too much trouble, try to, uh, not hurt my friend please? If that's okay!" Be aggressive!

Use as much profanity as possible. The more swear words you use, the better he will respond. If you don't use enough profanity, he might think you are joking; this reaction should be avoided at all costs.

Make good use of physical intimidation. Although inflicting actual corporeal harm onto the boyfriend tends to get people into trouble, physical intimidation works wonders. Show him you're wearing brass knuckles-- perhaps bring a gun or a club to casually handle while talking to him. If cost is an issue, a broken beer bottle is a cheap and effective alternative to more expensive weapon. Often just holding these in plain sight while having your conversation makes the entire process smoother and more enjoyable.

Be clear without being overbearing. Especially if the boyfriend is not the sharpest tool in the shed, it's important to be very clear about your feelings toward your friend. Short, simple phrases such as, "If you lay a finger on that girl, I'll beat you to within an inch of your life" tend to be the most effective.

Tell him stories about horrible things you've done to her past boyfriend as a joke. Of course, you would never hurt anyone, but this is a great joke to make because it breaks the ice between you and your friend's boyfriend! This type of joke works best if you keep a straight face and speak in a completely deadpan way.

Find out where he lives. A good thing to do with this information is to tell him that you know it as a joke! He'll know that you're just kidding. An original twist on this step is to actually show up at his house unannounced to prove that, should you be forced to knock him off in the dead of night, you would know where he was.

Administer a full background check on him and interrogate him about any possible red flags. He will be glad he's dating a girl whose friends care so much about her!