How to Handle a Friend Wearing Adult Diapers

Co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: March 23, 2023 References

If you have a friend who wears diapers, they may feel embarrassed or ashamed of this fact. In an ideal world, there would be nothing taboo about adult diapers. But unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world, so here's how you can support your friend and help them feel confident.

Steps

1
Figure out real-life signs that lead you up to the interpretation that says that your friend is wearing diapers. It might be from the smell of them alone, the noise, or maybe it’s their diaper that is sagging a bit, or it is visible from the shape and bulkiness of their pants. Perhaps it might even be that your friend is carrying a diaper bag wherever they go even though they have no infants following them.
2
Be a sensitive and supportive friend. Your first thought might be an urge to cure your friend, searching the internet to do so. Instead of doing so, have a second thought about your motivation.
- Is it because you think diapers gross you out or because you want to help? Your friend is most likely wearing diapers for a reason. It is best to assume that doctors and experts have already tried their best. If your friend has worn diapers for years, your friend is most likely accustomed to wearing diapers and accepted themselves as someone who needs to wear diapers as part of their daily ritual again.
- Sharing the secret with you is a big step and is not the occasion for you to suggest a cure you found on the Internet. Your friend most likely has tried it already and consulted experts unable to help.
- Diets and other easy cures are most likely not working and cause more stress than relief. If your friend is comfortable with their life you are there to support them as a friend, leaving her/his doctor to be in charge of any possible cure.
- Sorting out your negative and confused feelings before you talk to your friend is important so you can remain sensitive and calm.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

First conversation

1
Ask yourself some questions about whether you consider your friend to be a close friend or not? The answer to these questions could surprise you in how much you honestly care for your friend.
- Would you mind talking about your own underwear with this person? If not, you might be better off just going along waiting for your friend to start this conversation.^{[1]
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- Constantly talking about urine, diapers or putting on songs relating to wet pants, incontinence, water or having your friends ring tone be one of those songs is not a good subtle way to get her/him to start the conversation.
  Please respect if (s)he does not want to initiate the talk.
2
Prepare the first conversation.^{[2]
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- What is the goal of the conversation? Is it to have the person cut back on their diaper usage or completely rid themselves of their diapers? Or is it some other goal covered that deals with their diaper use?
- Do you want to be supportive, and if so how much? Think honestly how much support you can give, as diaper wearers and handling them will take a lot of psychological and physical help from friends, and can be anywhere from helping them change their diaper to covering up their lie that they might not want exposed to others to shield the wearer from obvious psychological damage if they spread it to others who spread it even further.
- Turn off your phone to show you care about a private conversation.
3
Plan the conversation to be in a private setting without other people around. Let there be room for your friend to tell a sad story, cry and confide in you without disturbances or other appointments coming up. Your friend might have had this conversation before and be confident about wearing diapers, but it might also be the first time they have this conversation outside of close family.
- Read the rest of this guide. Consider the intimacy of the help you want to provide, where your limits are as well as bring up situations where you have doubts on how to handle it.
- Express your friendship to and with them. Let your friend know that you like her/him because of certain reasons including their personality and that wearing diapers does not change your viewpoints of your friendship with them in any way.
- Ask what word they would prefer you’d use. Some prefer calling these absorbent pants diapers, while others don’t like the connotations these words give and prefer pads, briefs or absorbent underwear…sometimes, however, the wearer might not even like any of those terms to be used and would like another piece of clothing name to refer to it as. Find a word that suits you and your friend's level of discretion.
- Try on one of their diapers, to see how your friend feels when wearing them if you can stomach the idea that you are wearing one and can be assumed to be able to take it off confidently without a fuss. If you are an inquisitive person, you might ask your friend if you can borrow a diaper to try it on yourself, which can open the conversation to let your friend show their expertise and advice on their ability to wear a diaper and make them feel accepted and on equal footing with the remainder of the people in the world. Use the guide in How to Wear a Diaper to find out how you can wear a diaper like them.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

While in Public

1
Consider if they even need to wear the diaper at all or if wearing the diaper is in response to an embarrassment from some other situation. Ensure their diaper use isn't done due to other medical issues such as prostate problems or stress incontinence. Have their family talk to them and have their family bring them to a doctor who can treat and evaluate why they might even need their diapers to ensure there's no other drastic reason that is curable but if left untreated can become quite a problem down the line in time.
2
Ensure that the wearer isn't feeling ashamed of wearing the diaper out in public. Many wearers may feel ashamed that their diapers will get exposed in public and that if not taken seriously, the problem may get out of hand. Make sure they can count on you to help them handle life's emergencies while wearing it in public, from shielding other's view of them to other issues about their use.
3
Try not to act too sad for them or their situation, if they can't seem to get a different response from the doctor or something else turns out to be the case that was never thought of otherwise that makes the diaper a primary cause of other issues.
4
Expect to help them, when you notice that their diaper is showing. Like underwear, diapers have a tendency to show in the lower back after bending down to pick something up or when the person is just stretching. This is enhanced by diapers having a higher waist and a plastic-like back panel that can make it easy for shirts to slide up and uncover their diaper. Your friend most likely will not be aware of the diaper showing, and just like a Laundry Instruction Tag showing it is considered polite to tell your friend, so the wardrobe malfunction can be adjusted.^{[3]
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- Use a code word to represent when this occurs to your friend. Your friend might appreciate it if you don't say "Your diaper is showing" out loud, but you may agree on another more inconspicuous word that is less detrimental to their health like Socks, pants, or some other term you could devise with them.
- Diapers can be tucked in. The top rim of the diapers are made of plastic that will help to seal in the urine while they are lying down. Once tucked under and into the diaper itself, it can become less conspicuous, but that may create skin contact with the plastic which can result in itching and skin irritation to the wearer. To decrease the height of the diaper-rim, it is better to bend this top part outwards letting the wearer’s other clothing keep the diaper in a better place on their body.
5
Be around and ready to help your friend carry their diaper bag for them. Offer to carry your friend's diaper bag. Although your friend may say on occasion that they can do it, just being ready and caring, can definitely mean a lot for your continued friendship to evolve. It can be annoying always having to carry a bag with spare diapers, and the supplies that go along with their diaper use and changing including carrying wet wipes and ointment. Offering to carry their bag eases not only the physical but also the psychological burden of carrying diapers. Your friend might say no, but it at least is a nice gesture showing acceptance and willingness to help out.^{[4]
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6
Make your friend aware that their diaper needs a change. Although certain types of diapers have different absorbency rates and times that they tend to be most often worn towards between changes, there is a difference between wet and dirty or just being wet or just being dirty, and they all need to be changed. Some adult diapers are made to be worn comfortably for several hours, including about a typical lifestyle of one to three hours for the thinly-padded ones to ten to fourteen hours for the thickest padded ones. A change is advised:
- When the diaper is so wet it might leak
- After soiling accidents
- When the diaper smells. Nobody nearby likes the emanating smell.(Waterproof plastic pants can limit smell.)
- Before starting a long trip with no access to restrooms
- Before going for a bicycle ride.Your friend might not notice when they wet themselves. Having a friend to keep notice of their diapers’ problems is of great comfort during the ride. You might also get to pick up on small subtle changes that your friend might not be aware of or has gotten used to as time has worn on while they wear their diapers. It is not uncommon to get a bit grumpy when the diaper is soaked as the wetness is subconsciously felt and irritates, but your friend might not feel that the diaper is wet as they are concentrating with the road ahead when cycling.
7
Be sure you are there to help console your friend, especially when they say they don’t want your help. However, back off from constant interrogation with them if they so desire. It can feel rather intimidating, disempowering, and embarrassing to be confronted with your friend having wet the diaper and needing a change. You need to have an agreement with your friend to know that it is okay with you to comment on their need to have their diaper changed by you and that you won’t mention anything to anybody else (‘’’what goes on in the room, stays in the room’’’)^{[5]
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- Having a code word might ease the situation. "I can smell your socks" is less likely to attract attention than mentioning wet diapers or asking your friend if their diaper needs to be changed. Alternatively, you can agree on a non-verbal hint like a poke or tap on their body to tell your friend that you can smell their diaper without drawing attention from anyone else.
8
Visit the toilet together. Sometimes, diaper wearers feel like they can’t make it to the restroom in time so they wear their diaper. If you can show them that they ‘’can’’ make it in time, you can get your friend to use the toilet and might even be able to save the diaper from even being used altogether.
9
Put your mind on shopping or doing something else other than having them wear their diaper and showing their diapers off to you and their family.
- If your friend invites you to shop for clothes together they will most likely want your input if her/his diaper is showing or if the clothing actively hides the diaper and how visible it is. You can use code words for this in order to keep it privately in the shop. However, before shopping, be careful to check for their diaper being wet to ensure other clothes that you hadn’t bought yet don’t become wet and you’ll be forced to purchase those pieces.
10
Shop for plastic pants with them, if they so desire or need to purchase them for some reason. If you are comfortable talking about and buying menstrual pads or tampons with your friend, it should also be possible to talk about buying plastic pants together. Otherwise, let it be up to your friend to start that conversation. Plastic or rubber pants will decrease the smell, sound, risk of leaking, and keep the diaper tight to the body making it less visible. It is, on the other hand, a rather intimate thing for them to buy, more so than buying regular underwear. It is a piece of clothing only you and your friend's closest peers will see, but it is also a garment that romantic partners or people looking up a skirt will see and hence is a crucial fashion accessory. If plastic pants are worn, it is also most likely that the leg gathers of these pants will show at the lower back when picking something up or stretching.
11
Consider swimming, sunbathing, going to the gym, sauna, spa, get a massage or taking a public shower together.^{[6]
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- Are all places where semi-public nudity is expected and accepted, leading to your friend having to be extra considerate of having their diaper showing. Talk with your friend about this before planning or paying for these activities. Suggest the activity to your friend and listen to the reply.
  
  One possibility might be for your friend to visit the toilet quite often before, during, and after the activity and wearing no or a very thin diaper. This puts increased stress on your friend as (s)he has to be aware of the placement of the nearest toilet, possibly wait in line and suddenly rush away to avoid accidents. While biking usually does not include semi-public nudity it does involve putting a lot of pressure on the diaper as well as bending the diaper out of the cup shape that is naturally forming while walking. Additionally, bikes make it harder to wear skirts an otherwise good female garment for making diapers less noticeable.
  
  In case your friend suffers from fecal incontinence (s)he will have to wear a special swim diaper if you go to a swimming pool and as these garments are quite noticeable your friend will have to accept to show publicly that (s)he is wearing a diaper. Swim diapers should also be used on the beach.
12
Limit the talks about diaper commercials, visits to the toilet or any signs where urination might cause discomfort in your friend, as these talks might want to make them wear their diapers more. Although other references in pop and rock music both mentioning incontinence has become more common and is no longer taboo to wear diapers, it does not necessarily mean that your friend is ready to have it as public knowledge. A talk among a group of friends can naturally turn this topic into something more irrational and cause great psychological pain for the wearer to get through, and want them to wear diapers even more or even longer than originally planned. Depending on your friend, they might get embarrassed about the topic and it is an option for you as their friend to steer the conversation towards another topic.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

While at Home

1
Have the wearer get more comfortable. Slipping into something more comfortable is common when the wearer gets home or is in a place that they are confident that the friend won’t mention to others as the wearer is a frequent guest of. With you finding out that they wear diapers, this might also lead to the request of wearing thicker more comfortable diapers while you are the only one around, because it gives better protection from leaks while resting or sitting down in one solitary spot or limiting movement.
- Another issue is heat and skin contact with plastic. While plastic pants might be preferable in public they are hot and tight elastic bands can irritate the skin. Spending extended time with your friend at home (s)he most likely would prefer not to wear plastic pants leading to an increased risk of smell, noise and leaks, where the increased risk of leaking is mitigated by wearing a thicker diaper.
2
Prepare some differences when wearing diapers in summer time. During the summer, heat is a challenge as diapers act as extra insulation on the body. Where you can wear a thin pair of shorts or a skirt, your friend still needs their diaper. During parts of the summer where you want to wear as little clothing as possible to cool down, your friend might request to wear nothing but a diaper. If your friend requests for that, let him/her do it - and see it as a good sign that (s)he is not embarrassed about wearing diapers (A lot of kids are only in diapers on hot summer days!). As long as both of you don’t mind that an occasional accident might happen, your friend can avoid wearing the diaper altogether. Make sure your friend only sits on chairs with plastic covered seats, and be prepared to remove any stains that occur from their nonuse of the diaper. Utilize How to Remove Urine Odors and Stains Permanently to find out these steps.
3
Find some alternatives your friend can use, such as cloth diapers, if they chose to wear disposables for some reason. While disposable diapers are most convenient (thinner, easier to change, no dirty laundry to bring home) they are a possibility in the privacy of the home. Cloth diapers absorb the urine in another way allowing the skin to breathe differently, but may also make the wearer feel more wet and can absorb more, particularly while sitting and lying on the side leading them to be less likely to leak, offering a greater sense of security. (Cloth diapers do tend to be more cumbersome to handle and as the plastic pants are in direct contact with the urine, they need to either be reused after being dried off with paper towels or hand washed after they are replaced by a new pair.^{[7]
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4
Help your friend keep a stash of diapers and changing supplies on hand, for when they come over to visit you. Diapers, ointments, wet wipes, plastic pants take up a lot of space especially for extended stays as a typical day might require anywhere from three to five diaper changes. If your friend comes to visit a lot, it might be convenient if they can have a stash of diapers at your place so they don’t have to carry a large diaper bag each and every time they visit you. Running out of diapers is a psychological burden leading your friend to most likely bring more diapers than needed in the diaper bag. By having a stash somewhere in your house where only both of you have access to, both of you know that they can stay longer and that you can have unplanned events without your friend suddenly needing to leave because a diaper change is required and having to travel home in a soaked diaper may risk a leak because no clean diapers were available when they were needed most.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Sleepover

1
Pre-plan all sleepovers with the friend who must wear the diaper.
- If multiple people are attending, talk with your friend about their her/his preferences of wearing diapers all the time or just during the night of the sleepover and if they want the invitees to the party to know about their problem. Prepare a list of attendants and let your friend know who has RSVPed and to make sure they know who is coming. is coming.
2
Make sure that they can accept the fact that diaper changes when lying down may expose the fact that they wear diapers to more people than just their friend who knows more about them better.
- Diapers are put on differently when lying down than standing up. Going to sleep and turning around while sleeping, requires a tighter fit around the legs. When the wearer walks with one on, the diaper forms a natural cup to keep in place the urine to the body while giving the legs the much needed room to move freely. Lying down while changing into a night diaper during the sleepover lets your friend put the diaper on much tighter as their thigh muscles are not flexed. This brings up the situation where your friend might want to borrow your bed and have the room for themselves while changing into their night diaper. You might want to bring up this issue with them in advance of the sleepover to have a talk about it in private, and letting your friend know if they can or can not use your bed for your diaper-change during the times of their sleepover.
3
Consider alternative wake up schedules for your diaper-wearing friend. While your bladder is full, you may head to the toilet, but your friend may feel differently when they wear their diaper and they feel the need to “go”. (Due to peer pressure, they may choose not to go and take it out on the diaper more quickly.)Some embarrassing moments may be created when their diaper shows the leak on both their bed and any surround area as well as the stench of their urine in their diaper and the need for them to get out of their bed wearing their diaper and showing off the potential of the diaper-use.
4
Consider what you may choose to do to ensure they can sleep without problems of a leak during the sleepover night. Comfort your friend and have a talk about using larger diapers, plastic or rubber pants. Another possibility is to get disposable mats or plastic/rubber bed sheets to protect the bed next time. Removing the stain can be done by consulting How to Remove Urine Odors and Stains.
5
Consider some alternatives to the breakfast ritual after the sleepover night. A lot of liquid is consumed during breakfast and the gravitational pull of standing up also creates an increased need to urinate. This results in more urine during the first hour after having slept. It is therefore an option to keep the night diaper on during breakfast and change afterwards, to have a nice clean diaper for the rest of the day. The alternative is to change right after having woken up and taken a shower, but then the diaper is more likely to get as wet but not soaked during breakfast, starting the day and leaving the house with a diaper that is already wet. A lot of persons suffering from fecal incontinence will also experience a soiling accident within the first hour after getting up and letting them stay in their night diapers until the "big" accident occurs might be a good idea
6
Decide if a shower is a good thing to do after the sleepover for your diaper-wearing friend. Personal hygiene is important especially if your friend has slept for several hours and eaten breakfast wearing a wet diaper. Leading to your friend spending extra time in the shower. It feels great getting clean in the morning and starting the day with a dry diaper, not just a physical cleaning, but a spiritual one feeling fresh and smelling good for the day to come. This extra time needs to be taken into consideration when planning for the following morning and is not the time to talk about saving on the energy bill and the environment.

Warnings

While it is culturally acceptable to pad or pinch a friend's behind, in many cultures your friend might on the other hand not like to draw attention to their diaper or the feeling of the diaper being padded to check for wetness.

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Do not ask a friend if you can change their diaper. While the intention might be kindness, it is just like asking someone if you can take off their underwear. If you are more than friends, it might be an appropriate question when you are already showering or are intimate with each other.

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