How to Get over Hurtful Words from Your Husband

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: September 29, 2021 References

Unkind words can really sting, especially when they come from someone you love. If you just can’t stop thinking about something hurtful your husband said to you, don’t worry. There are things you can do to help yourself heal and move on. In this article, we’ll talk you through some of the best ways to get past your hurt.

1

Accept how you feel.

Unfortunately, ignoring your feelings doesn’t work. Before you can get over your hurt feelings, you’ll have to acknowledge them. Take a moment to sit and think about exactly how your husband’s words affected you.^{[1]
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- You might say something to yourself like, “I feel very belittled right now. I’m embarrassed and angry.”
- Be kind to yourself. Words can truly hurt, and it’s totally normal to feel upset after someone you love says something mean to you.

2

Tell him how you feel.

Don’t let your hurt and anger fester. You’ll feel a lot better if you get your feelings off your chest—and you’ll be less likely to blow up about it later. Approach your husband at a time when you’re both calm, and tell him how you’re feeling in a gentle, non-accusatory way.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}
- To avoid putting him on the defensive, use “I” language when you express your feelings. For instance, say something like, “I felt so humiliated when you said I was immature during our argument earlier.”^{[3]
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- Avoid attacking his character or saying things that make it sound like you’re blaming him for your feelings. For instance, don’t say, “You’re such a jerk!” or “You make me crazy.”
- If you’re having trouble talking to him about it directly, try writing your feelings down in a letter or note and giving it to him.

3

Listen to what he has to say.

After you talk, give your husband a chance to respond. Resist the urge to interrupt him or walk away if you don’t like what he’s saying. Instead, focus on really hearing and understanding his words.^{[4]
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Understood
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Go to source} If you take the time to listen to him, he might be more inclined to do the same for you. It might also help you understand where he was coming from when he said those hurtful words.
- As you listen, try rephrasing what he says in your own words to show that you’re really listening. For instance, “Okay, I hear you saying that you were feeling insecure because you thought I was talking down to you, and that’s why you said those things.”

4

Tell him what you need to make things better.

Phrase it as a gentle request, not a demand. This is a constructive way of dealing with what happened, and it might just help prevent something similar from happening in the future.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Let your husband know what you’d like him to do, whether that’s apologizing, promising not to say the hurtful words again, or just validating your feelings.^{[6]
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- You could say, “It would really help me if you’d promise not to call me names when we argue. Instead, please just tell me how you’re feeling next time.”

5

Try to see things from his point of view.

Look at the situation from both sides to help put things in perspective. It’s not your fault when someone says mean things to you, but taking an empathetic stance can help. Think about how your husband might have been feeling when he said what he did, and what you might have done to contribute to the situation.^{[7]
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- Seeing his point of view and acknowledging your own part in the argument does not mean you should excuse his hurtful words or blame yourself. However, it might help you identify different ways to deal with similar situations in the future.
- For instance, you might realize that your husband tends to lash out when you criticize him, because it reminds him of his overcritical parents. With that in mind, try phrasing any criticism in a gentler or more constructive way in the future.

6

Remind yourself that he can’t control your feelings.

Your feelings are your own. While other people’s actions can influence your emotions, the emotions themselves come from you—not from anybody else. That doesn’t mean that your husband isn’t responsible for his words, or that it’s okay for him to say hurtful things. But owning your thoughts and emotions can help you feel more in control of how you react to his words.^{[8]
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- For instance, if you find yourself thinking something like, “He made me feel so awful,” replace that thought with something like, “I felt awful when he said that.” Just that small shift in your perspective may be enough to help you feel less overwhelmed!
- On the other side of the coin, remember that his own words, thoughts, and feelings are his, not yours. You can’t “make” him say, think, or feel anything—which means you are not to blame for the hurtful things he said to you!
- Try not to take his words to heart. They say more about him than they do about you. If you think something like, “He’s right. I always mess everything up,” change that thought to, “I make mistakes sometimes just like everyone else, but I work hard and try my best. There are a lot of things I get right.”

7

Try compassionate meditation.

Practicing compassion for your husband may ease your pain. When people say or do hurtful things, it usually means that they are hurting or scared themselves. Instead of focusing on how angry you are at your husband, try thinking about the suffering that must have been behind his words. Take a few moments to meditate on this, and practice sending loving and healing thoughts his way.^{[9]
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- For example, as you meditate, picture your husband and think things like, “May you be happy. May you be at peace. May you be free from suffering.”
- You can also practice self-focused compassionate meditation, which can help you feel more relaxed and positive when his unkind words are getting you down.^{[10]
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  Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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8

Take slow, deep breaths when you remember his words.

Next time you remember what he said, focus on your body. Do you feel tension in any particular spot, such as your shoulders or neck? If so, make an intentional effort to relax them. Take deep breaths, and picture the tension leaving your body with each breath.^{[11]
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- Once you feel better in one area, move on to the next. For instance, first focus on relaxing your shoulders, then move on to relaxing your hands and arms.
- Keep doing this exercise as many times as you need to. Eventually, you should feel calmer and more relaxed when you recall your husband’s hurtful words.

9

Write a letter of forgiveness.

Putting your thoughts in writing can make them more powerful. If you’re determined to forgive your husband and move on, try writing him a message saying so. You don’t necessarily have to give it to him—just the act of writing the letter may be enough to give you some closure.^{[12]
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Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- For example, you might write something like, “What you said to me was very hurtful, but I recognize that you were speaking in the heat of the moment and didn’t really mean those things. I have decided to forgive you for what you said.”

10

Keep a gratitude journal.

Write down the positive things he does. Unfortunately, our brains are hard-wired to focus on the negative things that happen to us. To help you overcome your hurt feelings, take a moment to recognize that negative bias. Then, write down a few good things your husband has said or done recently to help balance out the impact of his hurtful words.^{[13]
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Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- For example, you might write things like, “I’m grateful that my husband told me how nice I looked this morning, brought me coffee, and fixed the leak in the bathroom sink.”

11

Talk to a therapist if you’re overwhelmed.

If you can’t stop focusing on his words, therapy can help. If possible, get your husband to attend therapy with you. A counselor can help both of you work through the underlying issues in your relationship and build better communication skills.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}
- If your husband won’t go with you, you can still benefit from seeing a therapist on your own. They can work with you to develop stronger coping skills.
- Look for a therapist who has experience working with relationship issues. Your doctor may be able to recommend someone.

Expert Q&A

Question

What does it mean if your partner says hurtful things?

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

A lot of times, hurtful words are said in the heat of the moment. They come from a person's fight or flight response, and tend to be an exaggeration or a product of their frustration.
Question

How do you fix a relationship after saying hurtful things?

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Take time to backtrack and correct the hurtful thing that you said. A lot of times, couples tend to sweep hurtful comments under the carpet, but this just creates fodder for future arguments.

Warnings

If your husband regularly uses words to hurt, belittle, or threaten you, then this is an abusive behavior pattern.^{[15]
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Research source} Get advice from a therapist, a doctor, or someone else you can trust if you think you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

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