How to Get Someone to Talk About Themselves

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: August 25, 2021 References

Conversations are all about finding a balance of give and take—but what happens when you’re the only one giving? Not to worry—whether it’s a casual acquaintance or loved one, there are plenty of ways to get someone to open up. Here are a few conversational tips and tricks to help you get started!

1

Create a welcoming environment.

Let the other person know that they’re in a safe space. It can be tough for someone to open up, especially if they don’t know you well. Remind them that they’re in a judgment-free zone, and that you’re here to listen and be supportive.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- You might say something like, “I promise that anything you share will stay between us” or “I’m always here to lend a listening ear.”

2

Be an active listener.

Show the other person that they have your full attention. Maintain eye contact whenever you have a chat, so they know you’re paying attention. As they speak, focus on listening instead of interrupting or speaking over them—this might encourage them to open up a little more.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- If you have a phone or laptop nearby, set it aside so the person knows you’re paying attention.

3

Ask about their day.

People enjoy talking about themselves. Believe it or not, research shows that talking about yourself is as enjoyable as eating a delicious meal or spending money.^{[3]
X
Research source} Invite people to talk about their day, their plans for the weekend, or anything else about their personal life.^{[4]
X
Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.} Chances are, the person might want to share!^{[5]
X
Research source}
- Questions like “Got any plans for the weekend?” or “See any good movies lately?” could inspire someone to talk about themselves.

4

Talk about their interests.

Ask about their hobbies, interests, and side projects. Most people love talking about their passions, and these types of questions can really help get the conversation going. Take a close look at their outfit, jewelry, or accessories and see if they hint at a particular hobby.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if someone is wearing a sports jersey or hoodie, you might ask them if they enjoy watching a certain sport.

5

Request advice.

Advice is a more subtle way to get someone to open up. While offering some advice, the person might share a similar experience they dealt with. In fact, experts agree that asking for advice is a great way to leave a positive impression on the people around you.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- You might ask something like “What should I do in this situation?” or “What would you do if you were in my position?”

6

Try the 2-question technique.

The 2-question technique involves asking a positive question followed by a general one. Start off the conversation by asking about something positive in a person’s life. Then, ask a second, broader question about how they’re doing. Research shows that people are more likely to reply positively about their life if they’re already thinking about something positive.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- You could ask “How is your cat doing?” as an opening question to a cat-loving friend. Then, segue into asking about how their day is going.
- Ask about any topic that will definitely make the other person happen—this might be their family, an upcoming vacation, or something else altogether.
- A person might be more willing to open up if they’re already thinking about something positive.

7

Parrot the 3 words they just said.

Repeating a person’s last 3 words keeps the conversation going. Careful repetition also proves that you were listening closely in a conversation, which fosters trust. Just repeat the last 3 words that a person says—chances are, they’ll continue talking even more about themselves.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- For instance, a work acquaintance might say something like, “I can’t wait to go to my family’s beach house in Florida.” In response, you might say, “A house in Florida?” Then, they might talk more about their upcoming vacation.

8

Reply calmly.

Anxious people might worry about saying the “wrong” thing. As you speak with them, speak in a calm tone of voice instead of acting surprised. A calm response will put them at ease, and inspire them to share even more with you.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Simple phrases like “oh, of course” can really put an anxious person at ease, and encourage them to open up.

9

Act like a role model.

Share a story from your own life. It can be tough for someone to open up if you haven’t shared anything, either. Break the ice by offering up an anecdote of your own. If you open up the conversation, they might feel more at ease.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- You might share a story about your weekend, or about something funny that happened to you.
- Ask follow-up questions once you’re done sharing your story! This could help keep the conversation going.

10

Be empathetic.

Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. As the person opens up, let them know that you understand what they’re saying. If the other person feels heard and supported, they might continue to open up and talk more about themselves.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- You might say something like, “I totally get that” or “That’s definitely happened to me before.”

Expert Q&A

Question

Should you provoke someone to talk to you?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

No. Don't come onto the person too strongly or aggressively since it could give off a bad first impression.
Question

What questions should I ask to help someone open up?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Just ask the person how they're doing and how they're feeling. Usually, people will open up and carry on the conversation.

Warnings

Don’t nag or beg for someone to open up. Personal conversations and connections take time to develop.^{[14]
X
Research source}

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0