10 Rules for a Successful FWB Dynamic

Written by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD | Edited by Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

A friends with benefits (FWB) relationship sounds like the best of both worlds—all the sex and fun with none of the commitment—and at its best, it is! But like most things that look smooth and easy on the outside, there's a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes. A truly light and carefree FWB dynamic exists within the confines of rules, expectations, and boundaries that you set out from the beginning and adjust as needed. We're here to tell you everything you need to know about how to create a fun and successful FWB relationship.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, registered dietitian, and fitness expert, Supatra Tovar, owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

Clarify boundaries and expectations from the start. Most importantly, ensure you are both comfortable leaving emotions and romance out of the equation.
Choose a FWB outside of your normal friend group. This will help prevent confusion in the dynamic.
Keep things platonic except in the bedroom. It's best to limit the time you spend together, and rely on other friends for companionship and support.
Schedule regular check-ins to revisit boundaries, maintain sexual health, and make sure you both are continuing to enjoy yourselves.

1

Leave your emotions out of the equation.

The key to a successful FWB relationship is not catching feelings. Successful FWB relationships look at sex in a transactional way. You're both essentially using each other for sexual pleasure. If the idea of that makes you uncomfortable, you could get hurt in an FWB dynamic.^{[1]
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- For some people, sex and romance go hand-in-hand. There's nothing wrong with being that type of person, but if you are, you're probably going to have a hard time with an FWB relationship.
- If you get jealous easily and feel like you have to have your sexual partner all to yourself, you're going to have a hard time in an FWB unless you can find a way to keep your jealousy in check.
- If you identify as a demisexual and only feel sexual attraction after you've formed a strong emotional bond with someone, it's unlikely you'll be satisfied by an FWB relationship.^{[2]
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2

Choose someone you don't know well as your FWB.

Look for an FWB outside your normal friend group. Starting fresh with a new person is easiest—nothing in the past weighing you down. Hit the dating apps and be specific about the kind of relationship you're looking for. You might also go for a friend of a friend—someone you cross paths with occasionally but don't really see a lot.^{[3]
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- Look for someone that you find attractive sexually, but don't necessarily see yourself in a romantic relationship with. For example, you might talk to that guy on your friend's rec league team who you think is hot even though you don't really vibe with his lifestyle.
- This isn't to say that you can't make an FWB relationship work with someone you see more often or already know well. It just becomes a lot harder to avoid catching feelings.

3

State your expectations clearly from the start.

Tell the person your goals for the relationship. Be upfront about what you want out of this relationship—fun sex with a side of friendship and respect, please. Ask them what their expectations are as well and see if it clicks.
- You might say, "I'm looking for a friend with benefits, emphasis on friend. I'm not interested in a romantic relationship and don't look at you that way."
- Maybe you both just got out of a serious relationship and you're hoping an FWB dynamic will eventually morph into something more serious. That's fine, as long as you're both on the same page. You might say, "I'm not interested in a relationship right now, but 3 or 4 months from now, who knows? For now, I'm only interested in being a friend with benefits."
- What if you tell them what you want and they say no? Simply thank them and let them be on their way. Don't make a big deal out of it—you dodged a bullet by not getting involved in a relationship with someone who had different expectations than you.^{[4]
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4

Set boundaries for acceptable behavior.

Talk about what each of you is comfortable with in the relationship. To set strong boundaries, anticipate what might make you uncomfortable, upset, or jealous, and draw a line there. Remember: there's no right or wrong. This is all about your feelings and your comfort level. Here are some things to think about so the two of you can discuss where you stand:
- When or under what circumstances you two will hook up (maybe only in the evenings, or only after drinking)
- How often the two of you will have sex (once a week or once every other week can be good frequencies)
- Who will know the full extent of your relationship (you might tell a few close friends but you might not want others to know)
- What you'll do if one of you starts dating someone (most FWBs end their relationship when one of them starts dating someone seriously)
- Whether the two of you are free to have sex with other people (many FWB relationships are exclusive)
- How much you want to know about each other's sex lives (if you're not exclusive, details about your FWB's sex life might stir feelings of jealousy)

5

Protect your sexual health.

Keep yourself and your FWB free from STIs and pregnancy (if relevant). To start things off, get tested for STIs if you haven't been tested in the last 6 months. If there's a risk of pregnancy, talk about birth control and what you would want to happen if that birth control failed. It's extremely important that you're both on the same page about all of this.^{[5]
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- If there's no risk of pregnancy and both of you are STI-free, you might decide to forego protection (also known as a "fluid bond" because you agree to exchange bodily fluids). Talk about if others are included in this fluid bond or if barrier protection is required with other partners.^{[6]
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- Many FWB couples choose to be sexually exclusive, despite not being in a romantic relationship.^{[7]
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  Research source} If that's acceptable to you and your FWB, it definitely makes it easier for the two of you to protect your sexual health.

6

Keep things strictly platonic outside the bedroom.

Focus on the "friend" part of the equation when you're not hooking up. This means nothing lovey-dovey! Don't hold hands, don't kiss, don't cuddle together, don't call each other cutesy pet names. It doesn't mean you have to be completely distant and unemotional—it just means you don't do anything with your FWB that you wouldn't do with your friends without benefits.^{[8]
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- The two of you can talk about what this looks like and what types of things are off-limits. For example, if you call literally everyone "babe," or "honey," it's going to be weird if you only call your FWB "Rick."
- If you're normally a pretty touchy-feely person, it can be hard not to blur lines here. Just think in terms of what a platonic relationship looks like for you and what you'd normally reserve for a significant other. For example, you might greet your friends with a hug or a kiss on the cheek, but not a kiss on the lips.

7

Limit the time you spend with your FWB.

Rely on your other friends for companionship and support. This is not to say that you can't ever hang out with your FWB—but keeping it to a minimum helps keep you from getting too attached. Things are less likely to get messy if the two of you really don't see each other that much.^{[9]
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- For example, if you both play for the same rec league, you might agree that the only times you're going to hang out is for rec league events.
- Going out with a group of friends is usually better than just the two of you doing something together, which is going to look (and possibly feel) more like a date.
- If the two of you happen to run into each other at a party or event, say hi and then keep your cool after that. You don't want people to think you're a couple.

8

Schedule regular health and wellness check-ins.

Talk to your FWB about sexual health at least once a month. These can be awkward conversations, especially if you're not used to being this open about sexual health. It's a little easier if you just have something set on the calendar—at least you don't have to get the ball rolling every time.
- You might say, "Let's plan on meeting at Planned Parenthood for an STI test on the 15th of each month. Better safe than sorry, right?"
- Plan on going out for coffee or a drink after your test to talk about things if you need to. That way, the topic will be fresh on both of your minds.

9

Revisit your boundaries when necessary.

Mention any mental or emotional changes immediately to avoid awkwardness. Sometimes things happen that you didn't anticipate, or you find yourself having romantic thoughts about your FWB. It's okay, it happens! Just talk to them as soon as possible and figure out what you two need to do to keep it from happening again.^{[10]
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- For example, you might say, "Hey, that text last night was awkward, yeah? Sorry, I was just watching a sappy movie and got all up in my feels. It won't happen again!"
- If other people were involved, you might need a different approach, like, "Hey, I didn't know Robert would be there last night but what you said to him was not cool. I don't want him to know about us."
- Ultimately, if the arrangement you've created isn't working for one of you anymore, it might be time to call it quits. You might say, "Listen, this has been a lot of fun, but I think we have to pause the sex thing for now. I feel like I'm starting to catch feelings for you and I don't want to go down that path."

10

Have fun and enjoy yourself!

Use your FWB relationship to experiment sexually. This light-hearted, casual relationship is a judgment-free zone! Take this opportunity to try out new things. If something doesn't do it for you, just laugh it off and move on to the next thing on the list.^{[11]
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- Because your FWB relationship is all about pleasure, you can go after what really makes you feel good without worrying that you're being selfish.
- If you're not really sure where to start, try a little dirty talk to heat things up.
- Try to be just as open with your FWB about sexual pleasure as you are about sexual health. But if you feel too shy to talk about it face-to-face, a text works too.

Warnings

Avoid trying to start an FWB relationship with someone you've previously had a romantic relationship with. Your emotions are still raw and it can get really messy really fast.

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