What to Do When Your Husband Doesn’t Want You: 11 Ways to Work Out Marital Problems

Not feeling wanted is painful, especially when the cold shoulder is coming from your husband. How are you supposed to cope with that kind of hurt? In this article we’ll walk you through what not being wanted means and the most likely causes for it, plus show you how to take matters into your own hands and address the root causes for a healthier, happier relationship. If you’re ready to breathe new life into your marriage, keep reading!

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Tara Vossenkemper, founder of Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Remember, your husband’s distance isn’t your fault. He could have sexual problems, anxiety, or intense work stress.
  • Spend time together doing things you enjoy and reminisce on your early relationship to reignite the “spark” in your sexual and romantic life.
  • Open your communication—explain your feelings calmly and hear out his side of things. Communication is crucial to getting your marriage on track.
  • Spend quality time together, reminisce, and commit to supporting each other to make your marriage stronger.
Section 1 of 6:

Possible Reasons He’s Not Interested in Sex

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    1
    He’s experiencing sexual problems. Most people’s minds jump straight to an affair as the root of sexual distance, but there are a variety of causes for this. Some may be personal to your husband while some may be due to marriage stress or external factors like stress. Some of the most common reasons are:[1]
    • He has a naturally low sex drive, low testosterone levels, or may be on the asexual spectrum.
    • He’s anxious or embarrassed by a sexual disorder or erectile dysfunction.
    • He feels rejected by you or doesn’t receive enough physical affection in the marriage.
    • He’s masturbating or watching pornography in place of having sex.
    • He’s bored with a sexual routine or is afraid to explore fetishes or kinks.
    • He wants sex more or less often than you.
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    2
    Relationship problems are driving both of you apart. If there are unresolved marital issues between you, he may grow emotionally distant or detached. This is more likely if you’re both frequently upset, angry, or frustrated with each other. The relationship problems can be one-sided or involve both of you equally.[2]
    • A big issue is often a lack of communication. One or both of you might not be communicating your wants and needs to fix problems.
    • There’s a general lack of respect or courteousness in the relationship.
    • You might feel insecure or jealous or have unresolved trauma over past experiences of being not wanted by a partner.
    • He may be stressed over work, anxious or depressed, or have avoidant attachment issues.
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    Physical and mental health challenges are affecting his feelings. Feelings like grief, depression, or stress can leave your husband feeling drained and without any extra energy to put into your marriage. Physical issues like pain or illness can also lower his sex drive, which makes him self-conscious or more anxious than before. Some common mental and physical health causes for marital distance can be:[3]
    • Depression and anxiety
    • Body image issues
    • Mental or physical exhaustion
    • Attachment issues or a fear of intimacy (emotional or physical)
    • Chronic pain or mobility issues, particularly in older men
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    He’s under chronic stress from work, legal issues, or other causes. Stress can damage his physical and mental health, but also affect his ability to give you support and affection when you need it. He may not even notice you’re hurting if he’s psychologically incapacitated. Daily stressors, like traffic, don’t generally contribute to stressed neglect, but chronic conditions like being overworked can exhaust his mental and emotional resources.[4] Some chronic stressors could be:
    • A constant large workload with high expectations
    • Starting a new business or navigating the closing of a failed one
    • Being recently fired (he may or may not have told you)
    • Unemployment
    • Being under investigation for wrongful conduct
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    Something bad happened or is happening in your marriage. Traumatic events or wrongdoing by one spouse can have lasting impacts that sour the marriage for the other partner. Some events, like infidelity, can be traced to one partner, while others, like severe illness or the loss of a child, are tragedies outside your control. Situations that can drive a wedge between you and your husband could be:[5]
    • Previous infidelity, affairs, or lies that lost his trust[6]
    • Financial trouble like your home being foreclosed on a sudden loss of income
    • One of you is or used to be very ill and needed constant support
    • A death of a family member or close friend
    • Interference from his parents or family, like in-laws not liking you or expecting him to spend all his time with them
    • A natural disaster like a hurricane or fire destroyed your home or cost you a lot of money
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    He has an addiction. Your husband might be struggling with alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, or be “married” to something else like a hobby or gaming. Addiction can reduce the quality time you spend together and make you both feel emotionally isolated (especially substance abuse). It can also lead to frequent arguing, money problems, domestic violence, or forcing you to enable or cover up his problem.[7]
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    7
    He’s having a physical or emotional affair. Anger or resentment, differences in sexual appetite, or a lack of emotional intimacy may cause him to be unfaithful. Once this happens, his interest in you or your marriage is likely to drop off. Affairs often begin as meaningless and friendly interactions with someone else and then grow into sexual or physical intimacy.[8]
    • An emotional affair usually involves a third party that secretly knows the inner workings of your marriage while you’re unaware that they know.
    • Infidelity is one of the top reasons that marriages end because it’s so hard to rebuild trust afterward.
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Section 2 of 6:

What to Do to Fix Things

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    1
    Try not to blame yourself or feel guilty. It’s hard to admit his feelings and actions are out of your control—that’s why people put blame on themselves when they feel unwanted. Consider what your husband could do to make you feel wanted. Remember that your feelings are legitimate and deserve to be heard—it’s only when you bring up the problem that you’ll find out whether he cares enough to change or not.[9]
    • Remember, some signs of not wanting you are toxic attempts to control you. Remove yourself from the house if you feel your safety or wellbeing is at risk.
    • If the root of your husband’s distance is abusive or manipulative, seek individual or couples counseling rather than trying to mend the relationship on your own.
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    2
    Put in the effort to make change, even if it feels one-sided to begin with. Let him have some space if he ignores you or avoids your requests to talk, but make it clear that you need things to change. Think through what’s not working and be sure about the resolutions you’d like to see so you can present them to your husband clearly—he’s more likely to listen if you have a clear idea of what you want the marriage to be like.[10]
    • Acknowledge the issues you’re bringing to the marriage, too. It shows self-awareness and a commitment to change that may inspire him to open up.
    • Take the high road and avoid harsh criticism, pettiness, ignoring him back, or demanding things from him. Try not to descend to his level.
    • Tell him you’ll plan an intervention with friends or family if he's unwilling to talk. Make it clear that this can’t go on without giving ultimatums.
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    3
    Talk about your marriage and problems together. Open up your communication again and suggest that you both sit down and have a conversation about how to improve your marriage. Choose a quiet time somewhere you’re both comfortable, like your living room or a private backyard space. Talk about the marriage as equal partners without laying blame.[11]
    • Tell him your feelings clearly with a kind and respectful tone. One or both of you may feel intimidated talking about your issues so intimately.
    • Use “I” statements to express yourself without criticizing him, which might shut him down. Try things like “I miss you” or “I feel like we’ve been drifting apart.”
    • Ask for his perspective and thoughts and make it clear you’re listening—understanding his side of things is crucial for moving forward together.
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    Think over his suggestions for changes he’d like to see. Take in what your husband says and mull it over before automatically disagreeing. Even if you interpret the issue(s) differently, hear him out to be empathetic and show him you think his feelings are valid. Think about what you’re willing to compromise on to make things work.[12]
    • Let him have space if it’s one of his core needs. If your husband doesn’t get time to unwind and recharge, he may be more tempted to shut you out.
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    5
    Suggest your husband gets support for issues that don’t involve you. If he’s stressed about work or experiencing anxiety or depression, encourage him to explore treatment like therapy or counseling to help him cope and navigate treatment options. If a major project or work issue is involved, acknowledge that he might not be able to give you 100% of his attention until the situation is over.[13]
    • If he’s resistant, try pointing out his admirable qualities and explain how getting treatment could help him better himself even more.[14]
    • Help him find a therapist or online treatment options if he doesn’t know where to start.
    • If he’s intimidated to go to his sessions, offer to drive him, sit in the waiting room, or even join him if he and his therapist think it’s helpful or appropriate.
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    6
    Try marriage or couples counseling together. Use resources like your insurance company or BetterHelp to find a compatible therapist in your area. Try at least 3 or 4 sessions with your new counselor before passing judgment. If you and your husband feel like you just don’t connect to the person, it’s OK to keep looking for someone else who you’re more comfortable with.[15]
    • A marriage counselor helps you improve communication so you both feel heard, strengthen your emotional connection, and increase cooperation.
    • Marriage counseling is successful with about 75% of couples.
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    7
    Spice up your romantic and sex lives. Break your routine to keep the passion alive and reignite that new relationship energy. Try strong romantic gestures like coming home with flowers or small gifts, or plan more romantic date nights. Shake up your sex life by getting intimate in different parts of the house or experimenting with role playing and toys.[16]
    • Schedule adventurous and exciting new activities together, like zip lining or a road trip.
    • When you give yourselves exciting things to look forward to, it ignites more arousal and intensity in your relationship which can make you feel more wanted.
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Section 3 of 6:

What are the signs of feeling or being unwanted?

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    Maybe your husband stopped making an effort in your marriage. Perhaps your marriage feels one-sided, like you have to put in all the work and energy. Maybe you’ve noticed your husband just isn’t putting in the same effort he used to, or he doesn’t reach out to you when you’re not home anymore. Here are some of the most common signs of being unwanted (subtle and not so subtle):[17]
    • Your husband’s not happy with you or your marriage, no matter how hard you try.
    • He doesn’t make much effort to reach out to you or ask about your life.
    • He forgets special dates or anniversaries.
    • He doesn’t engage with you or seem to respect your opinions, thoughts, or point of view.
    • He’s not physically affectionate. This includes a lack of sex and things like not wanting to hug, kiss, or cuddle.
    • Your husband has stopped making plans with you and makes a point to be out of the house or with friends.
    • He treats other people better than you and points out your flaws or puts you down (privately or in public).
    • He’s generally more selfish and irritable than he used to be.
    • You feel like you’re living with a roommate rather than a partner or spouse who respects you.
    • He blames you for the quality of your marriage and might try to turn your kids, friends, or even family members against you.

Note: Signs of distance such as blaming you, putting you down, isolating you, or being condescending are indicators of an emotionally abusive relationship. If you notice any signs of coercive control, violence, or abuse, seek immediate help from professionals. Trying to solve things alone may put you, your children, or pets in danger.[18] Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text “start” to 88788, or text “home” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.

Section 4 of 6:

Types of Intimacy Issues

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    1
    He might be sexually withdrawing from you. This could be a total lack of sex or something more subtle, like less intimate or less frequent sex. Most people’s mind will jump straight to an affair, but there are a variety of causes for this. Some may be personal to your husband while some may be due to marriage stress.[19]
    • Remember that your husband’s ebbing interest may not have anything to do with you. Don't let it lower your self-esteem while you navigate the issue.
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    2
    Your emotional connection as a couple seems weaker or damaged. Strong marriages need a balance between closeness and distance, but sometimes relationships fall out of balance when one partner checks out. This leads to emotional distance—maybe your husband stops talking about your future together, becomes secretive, or shows limited affection. In these cases, he may be emotionally neglecting you (on purpose or unintentionally).[20]
    • Emotional distance can happen when one partner is avoidant and prefers to isolate when problems arise rather than face them directly.
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    3
    He may not be spending quality time with you. Quality time is the collection of moments you spend together that hold a lot of meaning or value. The exact amount of time each couple needs is different, but not getting enough of it is a major problem for any marriage. Quality time is what builds memories, strengthens connections, builds trust, and helps relationships last.[21]
    • When your husband pulls away from quality time, it may mean he isn’t prioritizing your marriage or has external stressors affecting his life balance.
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    4
    He might not want to be in the relationship anymore. If this is the version of “not wanting” you’re experiencing, the signs are probably apparent and shouldn’t be ignored. Maybe he’s avoiding you entirely and rejecting all affection, or always busy and completely unwilling to put time or effort into repairing your marriage. In these cases, it takes serious work, conversation, or counseling to fix the issue.[22]
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Section 5 of 6:

Ways to Prevent Intimacy Issues in the Future

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    1
    Spend more time together doing things you both enjoy. Make an effort to have more quality time together—maybe there’s a new hobby both of you are interested in picking up, like woodworking or making your own sushi. Sign up for a class to learn something new with one another. You’ll get to see a different side of each other since you’ll both be excited and a little vulnerable while you try something new.[23]
    • If you have a special talent, like playing an instrument or cooking something special, pull it out during quality time to wow your husband.
    • Plan a weekend getaway together if a lack of time together is part of your problem. Leave the kids at home and try not to be on your phones too much.
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    2
    Share fond memories of your relationship often. Walk down memory lane and talk about your favorite or most meaningful moments together. The nostalgia and reminder of a time when your relationship seemed easier will make both of you feel more passionate, excited, and aroused by each other. This is a great way to get the “spark” back and let your emotions flow more freely.[24]
    • For an extra sentimental experience, recreate your first date. Put on similar outfits and go to your first meeting spot if it’s nearby or still around.
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    3
    Keep your channels of communication open. Communicate clearly and often—be honest about what you’re feeling (the good and the bad), but keep it kind and respectful. Talk about more than just day to day things like bills and the kids’ schedules and include your thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Make sure you’re being a good listener, too, and taking the time to really understand what your partner is saying and what they need.[25]
    • Share your internal world—the fears and opinions you have about things in your life, work, a friend or family issue, or something intellectual.
    • Try scheduling time to talk specifically about your feelings and relationship if it doesn’t come naturally to you and your husband.
    • Regularly talking with your spouse is one of the best ways to keep your marriage healthy and happy.
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    4
    Notice when unhelpful, non-constructive patterns arise. Pay attention to cyclical arguments or frustrations in your marriage and address these cycles quickly. First, think to yourself about what triggers your responses and how you feel leading up to and during arguments. Then, ask to calmly talk to each other about what you’ve noticed and develop a game plan for how to prevent or deal with it in the future. Make sure to hear out your husband’s side of things and consider compromising if needed.[26]
    • Handle your conversations about these unhelpful patterns with humor and respect for your partner.
    • Some patterns could include trying to help or change him when he doesn’t want it, or wanting him to open up more but he resists you (a push-pull pattern).
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Section 6 of 6:

What to Do if Nothing Works

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    If you’ve explored every solution, it may be time to end the marriage. Prioritize yourself and leave the relationship when your attempts to fix the issue don’t result in meaningful change or improvement. Rather than waiting and wishing for him to change if he doesn’t want you, take matters into your own hands to make yourself happy.[27]
    • Consider if there are absolute deal breakers in your marriage at the root of your issues, like one spouse wanting a child while the other one doesn’t.
    • Stand up for your personal values. If you can’t tolerate a husband who was unfaithful, then it’s probably the right decision to leave if he cheats.
    • Remember, you deserve to feel wanted and have your needs met by your partner or spouse.

Warnings

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References

  1. ↑ https://www.womansday.com/relationships/sex-tips/a967/8-reasons-he-doesnt-want-to-have-sex-91131/
  2. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/marriage/my-husband-ignores-me-what-should-i-do/
  3. ↑ https://www.womansday.com/relationships/sex-tips/a967/8-reasons-he-doesnt-want-to-have-sex-91131/
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-new-home/202112/how-stress-disrupts-couples-support-each-other
  5. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/8-common-problems-in-married-life/
  6. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/
  7. ↑ https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Substance_Abuse_and_Intimate_Relationships.aspx
  8. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201205/why-you-blame-yourself-bad-relationships-and-how-stop
  1. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/marriage/my-husband-ignores-me-what-should-i-do/
  2. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/marriage/my-husband-ignores-me-what-should-i-do/
  3. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/marriage/my-husband-ignores-me-what-should-i-do/
  4. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/marriage/my-husband-ignores-me-what-should-i-do/
  5. ↑ https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/November-2017/How-to-Encourage-Someone-to-See-a-Therapist
  6. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-signs-you-may-need-marriage-counseling/
  7. ↑ https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-be-romantic#5up3ah0y0IgePFahQ4Dvoc
  8. ↑ https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/12496/signs-your-husband-doesnt-love-you/
  9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/emotional-abuse-signs#signs-of-emotional-abuse
  10. ↑ https://www.womansday.com/relationships/sex-tips/a967/8-reasons-he-doesnt-want-to-have-sex-91131/
  11. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/love-matters/2018/07/16-signs-of-an-avoidant-or-unavailable-partner
  12. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/relationships-need-quality-time/
  13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/better-divorce/202108/8-signs-partner-may-want-divorce
  14. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/ways-to-have-a-quality-time-with-your-partner/
  15. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/ways-to-have-a-quality-time-with-your-partner/
  16. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contenttypeid=1&contentid=4580
  17. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/relationship-patterns/
  18. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/separation/signs-a-marriage-cannot-be-saved/
  19. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/

About This Article

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Written by:
Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
This article was written by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by wikiHow staff writer, Dan Hickey. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. This article has been viewed 4,583 times.
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Co-authors: 5
Updated: February 20, 2023
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Categories: Marriage Conflict Resolution
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