How to Deal with Disrespect from Siblings

Co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Last Updated: January 25, 2023

Disrespectful siblings are unfortunately a common problem. While you might want to retaliate, the best way to shut it down is to make it clear that they won't get your attention. Stonewalling a sibling when they're on their worst behavior is often enough to send a clear message.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Understanding the Problem

1
Recognize that disrespect is often a cry for attention. People, especially kids, don't always know how to express their wants and feelings in a mature way. Thus, they may say things that they don't mean or act out in ways they know they shouldn't.
- They're bored and they want to see something interesting happen
- They want your attention
- They feel unheard and are lashing out
- They have an unmet need unrelated to you (e.g. being hungry or tired) and are acting out
2
Consider whether you've contributed to the problem. Is it possible that your behavior provoked your sibling? While sometimes your sibling's pestering has nothing to do with what you've done, it's important to think back on the interaction and question whether you escalated the situation.
- Do you disrespect them or cross a boundary?
- Do you steamroll over what they have to say instead of listening?
- Did you pick a fight?
Tip: Try to be honest with yourself, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Sometimes changing your behavior helps your sibling behave better too.

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3
Remember that your sibling's bad behavior says more about them than about you. Their bad mood doesn't reflect anything negative about you: you're fine.
- They don't necessarily mean the things that they are saying. And these things are probably untrue.
- Part of learning to be strong is learning not to let other people's immaturity drag you down. Their attitude is not your problem.
4
Don't take tantrums or outbursts personally. Sometimes people throw tantrums, especially if their communication or emotional regulation skills are limited. Usually, this isn't about you at all. Make sure that you can tell the difference between disrespect that's directed at you and an outburst that happens because your sibling is upset.
- Most often, big outbursts happen because your sibling doesn't know how to cope with their big emotions. All you can do is wait it out and then forgive them for being imperfect.
Tip: While you can't do much to control outbursts, sometimes these are less likely to happen if the kid feels like someone is listening to them. Try being an extra good listener if you want your sibling to act calmer.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Dealing with Disrespect in the Moment

1
Refuse to show a strong reaction. Sometimes siblings act out because they are bored and want something interesting to happen. If you refuse to give them an emotional reaction, they might realize that this isn't a good way to get entertainment. Practice deep breathing if you want to help control how you react.
- If you feel like crying, say "goodbye" and walk away.
- Refuse to retaliate. This rewards the behavior by giving them attention (even if it's negative attention).
2
Try pretending not to hear anything. Ignoring disrespect gives you the power in this situation. Ignoring them also tells them that you don’t want to talk or argue with them anymore. When you pretend you don't hear them, you are dismissing them. It may be difficult, but it always works.
3
Don’t get physical, and don’t yell at them. This step is essential, because it can help your sibling realize that you don’t want to fight. Instead, stay calm, and don’t flip out on them, even if they annoy you. Have respect for them, and they’ll have respect for you.
4
Invite them to behave better if you think you can tell what they want. Sometimes people act out when their social skills aren't good enough to help them behave better. Sometimes a gentle reminder can be enough to set them on the right track. You can say something like:
- "I don't like to hang out with people who call me names, but if you try asking nicely, I might give you a different answer."
- "I don't like listening to rude language. But you can try again politely."
- "If you want my attention, you can try calling me by my name."
5
Consider giving a firm and clear statement that their behavior is not okay. This is not an invitation to a discussion: you're telling them that you aren't interested in playing their game. Consider giving them a stony look and saying something like:
- "I'm not okay with you talking to me like that."
- "If you do that again, I'm leaving."
- "I'm not interested in putting up with name-calling. Goodbye."
- “I’m not going to tolerate your insults anymore. Goodbye.”
6
Shut them out if you can do so. If your sibling continues to pester you, leave. This sends a signal that you won't engage with them if they disrespect you. Try leaving the room. If your bedroom door has a lock on it, you can shut the door and lock them out.
7
Walk towards an adult or a public place if you're being harassed. Your sibling might think twice about acting out when they realize you're close to a parent or another adult. The thought of an audience can sometimes get people to behave.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Moving Forward

1
Deal with your emotions once they're not around. Sometimes you might be able to roll your eyes and think "wow, my sibling must be having a bad day if they're resorting to that kind of behavior." But other times, you might feel hurt if they were unkind to you. Take a moment to deal with any unhappy feelings either on your own or while talking to someone you trust.
- Confide in a loved one
- Write in a journal
- Listen to moody music
- Take out your frustrations in a harmless manner (exercising, ripping paper from the recycling bin, smashing ice cubes in a bathtub)
2
Talk to a parent or adult if your sibling continues to disrespect you. While you might let it slide once or twice, a pattern of disrespect or verbal aggression is worth addressing. Describe the facts of their behavior and how you've tried to manage it, then ask for help. Here are a few examples:
- "Mom, I'm tired of putting up with Meg's name-calling. I've tried ignoring her and leaving the room, but she continues. Can you help me?"
- "When I ask Tony to clean up his messes in our room, he's started turning verbally aggressive. Today he swore at me when I asked him to clear his games off the floor. What do I do?"
- "I've noticed that Archie has started screaming at me a lot lately whenever I do something he doesn't like. I don't know why he gets so angry."
3
Treat your sibling with respect. If you disrespect your sibling, they may think it's okay to act the same way towards you. Instead, always show them a basic level of respect, even when you're upset with them.
- Don't call them names or make fun of them. (Friendly teasing is okay, but avoid teasing about their insecurities and apologize if you hurt their feelings.)
4
Consider showing them a little forgiveness. Sometimes people act disrespectfully when they're struggling emotionally or not using their best judgment. A forgiving attitude may help them remember that you care. Accept any apologies and do your best to be gracious.
- Of course, that doesn't mean being a doormat. It's okay to leave or get an adult if your sibling is mistreating you.

Warnings

Recognize the difference between disrespect and abuse. Your sibling may be abusive if they are trying to control your behavior in major ways, if you are afraid of them, if they belittle you to the point that your self-esteem is being hurt, or if they are otherwise terrorizing you. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. If your parent(s) do not help with this situation, talk to a trusted adult outside the family, such as a teacher or guidance counselor.

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Do not snap back at them, even if they make you infuriated.

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Don't disrespect your sibling, or they'll think it's okay for siblings to treat each other that way.

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