How to Deal With an Abusive Sibling

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC

Last Updated: January 29, 2023 References

Dealing with an abusive sibling is a serious matter. Sibling abuse can impact your relationship with your family, friends, peers, coworkers, and yourself. Sibling abuse is often explained away as sibling rivalry, but the truth is that if your sibling is always an aggressor and you are always made to be their victim, you are in an abusive situation. Learn to recognize the different types of abuse your sibling may be engaging in, and do not be afraid to seek help within your home or to alert local authorities about severe situations.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Determining Types of Abuse

1
Understand what constitutes abuse. Abuse comes in many forms, but it's important to understand the concepts underlying most types of abuse. Sibling rivalry is common, but if one sibling is always the aggressor and the other always the victim, it is an abusive situation.^{[1]
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- Sibling abuse may be physical, emotional, or sexual, and is most often perpetrated by one sibling against the other.
- Abuse is often an act of power and control. If a sibling tries to make you feel powerless, neglected, or devalued, it is likely an abusive situation.
- When in doubt, try to seek help through professional opinion and evaluation of the situation.
2
Know the signs of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can stand alone, or it may underpin physical or sexual abuse. Emotional abuse from a sibling is their attempt to control you through manipulation of your thoughts and emotions, making you feel constant fear, shame, or humiliation.^{[2]
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- Emotional abuse often makes you feel as though you are walking on eggshells, like anything you do could send your sibling into a rampage or spiral of criticism.^{[3]
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- Emotional abuse often leaves victims feeling unheard or unseen, unlovable, and like they don't matter.
- Emotional abuse may take many forms, but it can include your sibling constantly criticizing your looks, work, or academic performance. It may also include your sibling trying to convince you that you are not respected or wanted by the rest of your family.
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3
Look for signs of physical abuse. Physical abuse is using excessive force or doing anything with the intent of causing physical harm to someone else. Physical abuse is generally a controlling act carried out with physical force against another.^{[4]
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- Common forms of physical abuse may include hitting, kicking, biting, throwing objects at another, or any other form of physical exertion from an antagonist meant to overpower a victim.
- Some signs of physical abuse may include bruising, broken bones, burns, bite marks, cuts, abrasions, scarring, and others.
4
Learn the signs of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is any unwanted touching, exposure, or forced intimate actions between siblings. It is often the least disclosed and treated form of sibling abuse.^{[5]
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- Sibling sexual abuse does not have to include forced sexual acts to be abuse. It may also come in the forms of unwanted exposure or unwanted touching.^{[6]
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  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- If you believe there is a problem with sibling sexual abuse in your home, it is advisable to contact law enforcement or a social worker as soon as possible.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Getting Help from Others

1
Talk with your parents or guardians. Approach your parents or guardians and tell them what is going on, especially if both you and your sibling still live at home. Let them know that what they see is more than just sibling rivalry, and that you want help dealing with your sibling's aggression.
- Explain to your parents or guardians that what they perceive as rivalry is actually a progression of situations where your sibling makes you the victim of their aggression. Try saying, "You may see the roughhousing between the two of us as just a part of being siblings, but I am always made the victim of my sibling's violence, and it has had a serious impact on me."
- Let your parents or guardians know that you are looking for solutions to stop the cycle of abuse, and that you need their help and emotional support. Tell them, "I want our family to have a happy, healthy, relationship and I need your help to end these unhealthy practices by my sibling."
- Sometimes parents or guardians may minimize the abuse as not being that big a problem. In that case, try to find another adult you do trust and confide in them.^{[7]
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  Jay Reid, LPCC
  Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
  Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.}
2
Enlist help from others. If you are not getting the support you need from your parents or the change you need from your sibling, bring in other family members or close friends of the family.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.} Let them know how your sibling is abusing you, and that you are seeking help.
- Ask them, “Is it all right for me to stay with you sometimes when my sibling becomes too aggressive to handle?”
- If you want help speaking with professionals such as a therapist or law enforcement, let this person know and ask them, “Would you mind helping me file reports or make appointments?”
- Have this person appeal to your parents or sibling as a third party. Allow them to explain the abuses they have seen, and discuss why they are problematic. Let them be your advocate.
3
Alert the authorities. Law enforcement takes physical and sexual abuse seriously in most cases. If your sibling's abuse is too much for you to handle within your family, or if they have put you in serious danger due to their actions, call your local police department immediately.^{[9]
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- For immediate help, alert the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child.
- If you are a minor, you may also want to alert Child Protective Services, especially if you feel endangered in your own home.^{[10]
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  Child Welfare Information Gateway
  Online portal managed by the U.S. Children's Bureau providing resources related to childcare and abuse prevention
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- Do understand that those found guilty of assault or abuse could face extended jail time. Do not let this deter you from reporting a true abuser, but do not lightly make claims due to small disagreements.
4
Seek counseling. Counseling with a trained therapist or clinical social worker may help minimize the longer term impact of sibling abuse. Talk with a counselor openly and honestly about your experiences, and use their advice to help start your recovery. Keep in mind that the counselor may be required to report the abuse to protect you. This should not deter you from speaking with someone though.
- If you are still in a home with your sibling and parents or guardians, ask for the family to attend family counseling. Use this as an opportunity for professional mediation and as a chance to address issues as a group.
- If you are dealing with the aftermath of sibling abuse, therapy may provide a long-term way to begin the healing process. Find a therapist that specializes in abuse, and let them know about your situation during your first appointment.
- Find affordable therapy options by getting a referral from your general practitioner. Alternatively, try looking at local clinics staffed by college PhD and MSW candidates, as these often offer sliding scale payment and sometimes they offer free counseling as well.^{[11]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Addressing Your Sibling

1
Address underlying issues. Work with your sibling to figure out what is underpinning their aggression toward you. Perhaps they have frustrations about school, work, their romantic relationships, or other aspects of their life. Offer to talk with them in order to help them understand what causes their anger.
- Let your sibling know, "I can help you look into options such as therapy or support groups if that is what you want."
- Listen to and be understanding of what your sibling is saying, but do not allow them to continue acting out their personal traumas on you.
2
Walk away. If you know certain situations trigger your sibling's abusive tendencies, walk away before matters escalate. If, for example, they become verbally abusive during competitive activities, decline to compete and remove yourself from the situation.^{[12]
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- View this as a short term fix while you seek longer term solutions. Your sibling's abuse shouldn't keep you from things you enjoy or drive you away from the rest of your family. Don't treat distancing yourself as a long term solution.
- Let others know that you are not leaving because of their presence or behavior, but because you are trying to avoid a potentially harmful situation. Offer to schedule time with others when your sibling won't be involved.
3
Confront your sibling. Let your sibling know that you recognize their behavior as abuse. Talk to them about the ways in which their aggression has impacted you, and let them know you are actively seeking ways to make it stop.
- If possible, try to have an open and honest conversation with your sibling. Try to resolve any tension by telling them, “Your actions toward me have been abusive and have hurt me in a number of ways.”
- If honest conversation does not seem like it will have any impact on your sibling's actions, set boundaries with them such as letting them know you will not acknowledge their calls, texts, or attempts to have a conversation with you.
- Remind them that you are looking into ways to cope with the abuse, which may include getting other family members or authority figures involved.
4
Cut your ties. If you have the ability, cut off your ties with your sibling. Stop all forms of communication, and let your sibling know that if the abuse cannot stop, they have no role in your life moving forward.^{[13]
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- Tell your sibling, “Your actions are not healthy and I can no longer deal with them.”
- If necessary, block your sibling on your normal channels of communication such as on the phone and through social media.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you report sibling abuse?

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Family Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Family Counselor

Expert Answer

Try to talk with your parents about it. If they invalidate you or minimize the problem, find another adult you do trust and confide in them. Even another friend can help. The ultimate goal is to inform a well-adjusted, courageous enough adult about what's going on so they can properly intervene.
Question

What if my parents won't listen to my problems?

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Family Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Family Counselor

Expert Answer

If your parents won't listen to you, try talking to another adult that you trust, like another family member, a teacher, a counselor, or a religious leader. Tell them what you're experiencing. Keep reaching out for help until you find someone who listens. Your feelings are important.

Warnings

If you are reading this right now and are afraid for your life because you are being abused at home, call the police. Any situation that you feel puts you in immediate danger should be addressed by the authorities as soon as possible.

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