How to Deal With a Lover Who Sulks

Last Updated: March 10, 2023 References Approved

If you recognize your significant other’s behaviour as classic sulking, it may be time to evaluate your relationship. Whether the tendency to sulk comes from immaturity or a need for control, sulking is a form of manipulation. If you give in, the problem will continue or grow worse. In order to deal with the problem, you need to assess their behaviour, keep from giving in to their sulking, and go about your daily routine. Encourage them to communicate openly, remember that their behaviour is not your fault, and consider counseling or breaking up if you don’t see any changes.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Handling Sulking in the Moment

1
Don’t take their behaviour to heart. Being around a sulker can bring your mood down as well. Do your best to keep your spirits up and don’t let their sulking affect you too much. If the negativity really starts to get to you, try emotionally detaching from the situation a bit and simply observe.
- While detaching and observing, think to yourself, “It’s a shame that they are so unhappy. I hope we can work this out in the future when they’re ready.”^{[1]
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- Remind yourself that the sulking is their problem, not yours.
- Tell yourself that you don’t have to be around their behaviour, whether that means leaving for a while or breaking up for good. You don’t have to stick with them forever.
- Don't be afraid to enforce your boundaries in the relationship. Don't let the other person's sulking manipulate or pressure you into giving in.
2
Don’t give in to their sulking. This can be difficult, but do your best to go about your day normally and pleasantly. Don’t spend all your time trying to get them to talk or please them once they’ve started sulking. Show them that their sulking doesn’t elicit the extra attention they want, and hopefully they’ll stop sulking or do it less in the future.^{[2]
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- Instead of giving in, just smile at them, be polite, and stick to your normal routine.
- Don't enable their behavior. Letting your significant other sulk will only hurt both of you in the relationship.
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3
Address the situation if the problem continues. If they keep sulking, address the problem and be upfront without giving them the response they want. Repeatedly asking them what’s wrong will only reinforce their behaviour. Make sure to acknowledge their sulking, but don’t give in to it.
- Instead of asking what’s wrong, tell them something like “I know you’re upset. I’m not sure why, but I’m willing to talk about it whenever you’re ready.”
4
Get some space. If they hang around in stony silence, waiting for you to ask them what’s wrong or give them attention, remove yourself from the situation. Go to a different room and read for a bit, or go on a walk and get some fresh air.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Finding Long-Term Solutions

1
Remember that your lover needs to learn how to comfort themselves. That is their job, not yours.^{[3]
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Research source} Being in a relationship with someone who sulks can, over time, damage your own self-confidence and wellbeing, making you wonder if you’re to blame. It’s not your fault—your partner is responsible for fixing their own behaviour, not you.^{[4]
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- Essentially, your partner needs to learn how to soothe and “parent” themselves before they’re able to be in a healthy relationship.
2
Encourage them to express why they’re upset in the future. It can be hard not to respond in anger or by sulking yourself, but work on staying open to communication. Tell them that coming to you directly and talking about it is perfectly fine—and you’re much more likely to respond in a loving way if they talk about it rather than sulk about it.
- If they’re finally able to sit down and talk about the problem, encourage them to tell you what triggered this response and how they felt.^{[5]
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- For example, they might say “You were half an hour late to dinner, which made me feel like you didn’t care” or “I saw you laughing and talking to another man, which made me think that you like him instead of me. I was jealous.”
- This may feel unnatural at first because it’s a very vulnerable and straightforward manner of communication. However, once your significant other starts talking to you this way, you’ll be able to address the problem much more easily.
3
Consider counseling. If your significant other is still struggling with this or is becoming more and more controlling, look into getting professional help through counselling. Go through the counselling process can help your partner realize that sulking hurts both themself and the people around them.^{[6]
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- Counselors can give you some advanced techniques for dealing with this behaviour as well.^{[7]
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- A couples therapist may even see both of you separately to help determine the source of the issue for both partners. The counselor can then help you work through individual issues.
- If your partner can’t break this pattern of behaviour or if your relationship has become unhealthy, a counselor can also help you evaluate whether or not you should stay together.^{[8]
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- To find a good couples therapist, ask your doctor for a recommendation or check online at websites like the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy or GoodTherapy.org.
4
End the relationship if you don’t see any changes. If you’ve made it clear that this behaviour is unacceptable and you still don’t see any changes in your lover’s behaviour, it’s probably time to go your separate ways. It is not your responsibility to continually validate their immaturity, jealousy, and insecurity. That isn’t fair to you or healthy for either party.
- Because your partner is already prone to bad behaviour like sulking, the process of breaking up may be extra difficult and emotional. For a safe and healthy breakup, be respectful but firm. Tell your partner why you want to break up and set clear boundaries.
- For example, you could say “I can’t stay in this relationship if you can’t communicate with me when you’re upset. It seems like you have some emotional issues to work through, and I wish you all the best, but we need to go our separate ways.”^{[9]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Analyzing Your Partner’s Sulking

1
Distinguish between taking time to process and sulking. It’s important to determine whether your lover has the occasional need to withdraw emotionally in order to process, or a regular tendency to sulk. Everyone needs space now and then. If your lover comes back from their time alone with a more grounded perspective, new ideas, or a readiness to work things out, then they probably weren't sulking.
- If your lover continues to withdraw and treat you coldly, then they clearly aren’t using this time to process and relate. Instead, they are likely sulking in attempt to get attention and control.
2
Identify your partner’s triggers. Look for a pattern in your partner’s behaviour. If you can determine the event that triggered their sulking, you can approach them about it or avoid those triggers.
- For example, your partner could be triggered when you make a sarcastic remark or show up late to dinner.
3
Look for signs of manipulation. Noting certain behaviours can help you confirm that your partner is acting especially manipulative. These behaviours are red flags that may indicate an unhealthy, controlling relationship.
- For example, they may place objects between themselves and you, such as a newspaper or book, so they can continue to ignore you. This even happens in public sometimes.
- Notice if their attitude completely changes momentarily when someone else comes near them, but they return to giving you the cold shoulder the moment the other person is out of earshot. If the person can switch the charm on and off in this way, it's likely they've practiced this manipulation.
4
Recognize the physical signs of your partner’s sulking. If your partner sends messages that tell you they’re upset, but they refuse to actually address the problem, then they are sulking.^{[10]
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Research source} There are several specific verbal and physical signs that show they’re in a sulk.
- They storm off, hide away, or retreat to a room.
- They use immature body language when they’re upset, such as pouting, sighing, crossing their arms, or even stomping.
- They push away comfort and refuse to reciprocate affection.^{[11]
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- They give the silent treatment or shut down conversations with “Fine” or “Whatever.”^{[12]
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- They may sometimes try to guilt you by saying something like "you don't care about me" or "nobody cares about me."
5
Understand that most sulkers have trouble expressing their emotions. Whether your partner sulks out of immaturity or uses it as a tool to control you, their sulking likely means they have a low emotional intelligence. Your partner may not even be able to express their emotions to themselves. Going forward, they'll need to develop healthy self talk and/or self love habits in order to manage this problem.
- Sulkers often need to learn healthy self talk such as “I recognize that I have emotional issues and I’m prepared to work through them” or “What I did was wrong and I fully own up to that. In the future, I will do better.”
- They should be able to comfort themselves and tell themselves, “I am my own person, I have value, and I am responsible for my own actions. I can deal with this annoyance in a healthy way and not take it out on others.”

Expert Q&A
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Question

What does the silent treatment mean in relationships?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

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It means that a person does not openly state what is bothering them and ceases communication, leaving the other person without any information. It is not an effective strategy in a relationship, even a casual one.
Question

What is stonewalling in a relationship?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

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It is totally shutting down and avoiding a conversation in multiple ways: verbal as well as non-verbal. It often indicates that a person has checked out or cannot handle the impact of the topic at hand.
Question

How do you respond to the silent treatment?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

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Don't make too much of an effort to reach them or try to get them to talk. Let them know that you are there if and when they will be ready. This gives them space if needed and avoids any game playing.