How to Deal With Mixed Feelings in a Relationship

Co-authored by Joshua Pompey

In a relationship, especially early on, it can be difficult to sort out how you feel. If you're struggling with mixed feelings towards a potential romantic partner, this is very normal. Take some time to evaluate how you feel. Are you attracted to this person? Are you willing to commit? Do you feel close? Move through the relationship slowly, striving to be aware of what you're feeling and why. If you're still torn, consider your own emotions. Is there a reason you're experiencing mixed feelings? If so, what can you do to change this? With a little time and self-reflection, you should be able to sort out mixed feelings in a relationship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Navigating the Relationship

1
Let things progress slowly. If you're unsure of how you feel, especially early on in a relationship, have patience. Do not try to push for a premature commitment if you're uncertain how you feel. It's important you let things develop at their own pace in any relationship, especially if feelings are mixed.^{[1]
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- Maintain your own schedule. If you're not sure how you feel about someone, you should not sacrifice a lot of your own time and needs for that person. While you're figuring out your feelings, keep up with your own hobbies and social obligations.
- If you have not yet settled into official relationship status, do not worry. You should not try to push for commitment when you're still unsure of how you feel, and there is no shame in being in a relationship gray area for awhile.
- You should also take care of yourself. Eat right, exercise, and get adequate rest. Take care of yourself as you normally would.
2
Keep busy with your own interests. You want to make sure you can still be yourself with this person. Keep up with your own hobbies and interests. See if this person fits into your world. This can help you assess whether the romance works for you.^{[2]
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- Make what you value clear. If you like to stay in on Fridays rather than going out, try invite your partner over. See how he or she fits into your world.
- Keep up with your own interests. If you go to a book club every other Friday, do not stop going even if your partner invites you somewhere else. Make sure your partner supports your interests, and allows you to pursue your own fun and social life. If he or she does, this is a good sign this relationship can fit into your life.
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3
Try to have fun together. Fun is an important aspect of any romantic relationship. It's hard to stay with someone if you do not have fun together. You and your partner should genuinely enjoy one another's company. Try to do something fun with your partner. See if you feel happier and more secure. If you're struggling to have fun, this may be a bad sign for the relationship longterm.^{[3]
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- The definition of fun varies from person to person, so pick something you both enjoy doing. For example, if you both love comedy, go see a comedy show together.
- You can also try inviting your partner to social events with your friends. See if your partner's presence influences the group in a positive or negative way. Does your partner make social events more fun? Does he or she fit into your world?
4
Avoid using sex to fuel feelings of intimacy. If you're having mixed feelings, you may want to try to quell those feelings. Many people use sex as an attempt to force feelings of intimacy. However, sex will rarely lead to sustainable feelings of emotional intimacy with another person. Do not expect sex to cure your mixed feelings.^{[4]
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5
Take a break, if necessary. If you can't figure out how you feel, and you've been with your partner for awhile, a break can help. You may both need to experience personal growth outside the relationship. Eventually, you may find you want to rekindle the romance.^{[5]
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- If you decide to take a break, set clear boundaries. Make it clear to your partner how often you'll see each other during the break, if at all, and whether you'll be allowed to pursue other relationships and sex during the break. Decide if the break has a set end point, or if you'll leave things somewhat open.
- Be careful to assess your feelings before getting back together after a break. Be honest with yourself about how you feel. Do you honestly miss the person? Do you feel sad in their absence? Do you feel like you've grown as a person while they were away. If so, getting back together can be a good idea. However, if you felt freer and happier in your partner's absence, it may be a good idea to move on.
6
Discuss your feelings with the other person. If you're in a serious relationship, and you're beginning to have mixed feelings, it may be a good idea to be open with your partner. Set aside a time to talk out the problem, and try to find a mutual solution if you want to avoid the relationship ending.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Joshua Pompey
Relationship Expert
Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.} Let your partner know ahead of time you want to have a relationship talk. Say something like, "I've been grappling with some confusing feelings, and I'd like to talk tonight when you get off work."
- Try to focus on the present moment as you express yourself. Avoid bringing up things from the past, even things that are driving your confusing feelings. Instead, focus on how you're feeling in the moment. For example, "I've been having mixed feelings lately about our future. I want to know how you're feeling in regards to this issue."
- Listen as much as you talk. Allow your partner to share his or her feelings with you. Your partner may feel the same way, in which case the two of you will have to assess the relationship's future. Try your best to genuinely understand what your partner is saying. Ask clarifying questions if necessary.^{[7]
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  Expert Source
  
  Joshua Pompey
  Relationship Expert
  Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.}
- Leave the conversation with an idea of how to move forward. For example, you may decide you want to take a break. You may decide you want to see a therapist together. You may also decide you want to end the relationship altogether.
7
Make a decision about the relationship eventually. After awhile, you'll have to make a decision about where you stand. After weighing in a variety of factors, consider whether your feelings are genuine and, if so, whether you want to continue to pursue this relationship. If you find you are not invested enough, it may be best to try to transition into friendship.
- Even in healthy relationships, mixed feelings may occur from time to time. Do not be alarmed by occasional uncertainty if you decide to move forward.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Evaluating Your Feelings About the Person

1
Consider attraction. Attraction is key to most romantic relationships. If you're involved with someone romantically, you'll eventually become intimate physically. Spend some time considering the level of physical attraction you feel for this person.^{[8]
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- Think about how you feel about the person in a physical sense. Do you feel attraction? Do you think it's mutual? If so, there may be potential for a romantic relationship here.
- Keep in mind mutual attraction should not be the deciding factor. Friends often feel mutual attraction towards one another that is sometimes similar to romantic attraction. For example, you may long for and miss a friend when he or she is gone. Try to evaluate whether the attraction you feel for this person is physical as well as romantic.
- Do you find yourself laughing and smiling with this person? Do you look forward to dates and get togethers? Do the two of you have similar interests and passions that you pursue together? If so, this could be a good foundation for a romance.
- If you're having mixed feelings, however, evaluate whether the fun you have together feels romantic. Friends often make each other laugh and have fun together. If you don't feel a romantic spark during fun times, this relationship may be better suited for friendship.
2
Evaluate whether you feel close. As you spend time with someone, you should begin to feel deeply close to that person. You should be able to share your feelings, thoughts, and concerns with this person openly. If you're struggling to feel close, or the closeness feels more like friendship, this person may not be a suitable romantic partner for you.^{[9]
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3
Look for common goals. Common goals are important to a romantic relationship. This is one thing that helps differentiate a romantic relationship from a friendship. Friends do not necessarily have the same goals. A romantic partner, however, should have similar goals to you if the two of you are compatible.^{[10]
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- Think about longterm goals. Do you and this person have similar ambitions? Do you see a similar kind of future in regards to things like marriage and children? These things are important when it comes to navigating a romantic relationship. If your views differ in these areas, this may be why you're having mixed feelings. You may be better off transitioning this relationship into a friendship.
- You should also think about your belief systems. Do you and this person have similar views on politics, religion, moral values? While you can disagree with someone in a romantic relationship, certain shared values are important. If you and this person disagree a lot, this may also be where the mixed feelings are coming from.
4
Think about whether you're enchanted with the person. In a romantic relationship, you find yourself fostering intense thoughts about another person. You may put them on a pedestal in your mind and see their faults and quirks as charming. You may also feel they have superior skills, intelligence, and personality. In friendship, you don't generally get as enchanted with a person. If this kind of infatuation is absent, you may be better off being friends with this person.^{[11]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Considering Your Own Emotions

1
Accept emotions are complicated. Oftentimes, people feel the need to reconcile mixed feelings completely. You may feel you need to have only one feeling towards a person. However, mixed feelings are common. In fact, the majority of relationships you have will come with some degree of mixed feelings.^{[12]
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- Mixed emotions can actually reflect maturity. Rather than polarizing a person as either good of bad, you're able to see both their good and bad qualities. Sometimes, you love your boyfriend for his spontaneous nature. Other times, you find yourself annoyed that he's so unpredictable.
- Try to accept that there will be a degree of mixed feelings in any relationship. If you still want to be with someone, despite mixed feelings, this is actually a good sign. You're willing to acknowledge imperfections and frustrations, but still want to be with another person.
2
Examine your own fears and insecurities. If you're prone to mixed feelings and uncertainty, there may be reasons for this. If you have a lot of underlying fears or insecurities, you may find you doubt yourself frequently.
- Have you been rejected in the past by someone important? If so, you may have a chronic fear of rejection. Frequent mixed feelings may be a way to protect yourself from getting invested.
- Are you an insecure person? If you're fearful of being abandoned, and do not feel good enough for love or commitment, this will affect almost all your actions. You may have mixed feelings getting into relationships because you're afraid of getting involved.
3
Identify your own needs and wants. In order to assess whether a relationship is right for you, you need to know what you want. Know what you need and want from a romantic partner. Figure out whether this person can provide that.^{[13]
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- Think about your emotional reactions to events in your life. How can someone best support you emotionally? What do you need from another person?
- It can be helpful to make a list of attributes that are important to you in a romantic partner. Consider whether this person will be able to fulfill these romantic attributes for you.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it OK to have mixed feelings in a relationship?

Joshua Pompey
Relationship Expert
Joshua Pompey is a Relationship Expert with over 10 years of helping people navigate the online dating world. Joshua has run his own relationship consulting business since 2009 at a success rate of over 99%. His work has been featured in CNBC, Good Morning America, Wired, and Refinery29 and he has been referred to as the best online dater in the world.

Joshua Pompey

Relationship Expert

Expert Answer

Feelings in a relationship can fluctuate somewhat, but they should be fairly steady. It's not a good sign if you feel in love with someone one day, then the next day you don't and the day after that you do again. Your feelings toward the other person should be somewhat stable over time.