How to Deal With Frenemies

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: December 4, 2022 References

You may have acquired a frenemy as a result of a tight mutual friend group or a long history with a person you can’t seem to escape. Frenemies are the people in your life who act as though they’re your friend but do some oddly enemy-like things to you on more than an occasional basis. Deal with your frenemies by either deciding to let go of or maintain your friendships with them. Also, identify a frenemy by reflecting on their actions and your feelings.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Letting Go of the Friendship

1
Confide in a true friend that you trust. If you're not sure whether or not this person is a frenemy, talk over your concerns with a friend you're absolutely sure about and happy around. This person may throw new perspective onto the situation that helps you to realize the value of your relationship with the frenemy.
- Be certain who you're talking to won’t pass your concerns back to the frenemy.
2
Play it safe by ending the relationship gently. A middle ground between quietly leaving the toxic friendship and confronting your frenemy is to kindly and gently suggest separating. If you’re soft in your delivery and stay away from blaming your frenemy, you’ll avoid dragging out a bad situation and carrying resentment later on.^{[1]
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Research source} When gently ending the relationship, try saying something like:
- “While I care about you, I don’t think that we’re great for each other. I think it would be healthy for us to go our separate ways.”
- “I think it would be best for the both of us if we took a little time apart.”
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3
Drift away from the friendship if you’re non-confrontational. If you aren’t someone who is comfortable with confrontation but you know that you’d like to cut ties with your frenemy, lessen your involvement with them over time. This way, you avoid the stress of a difficult conversation while still making a positive, healthy decision for yourself.^{[2]
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- Become subtly less and less available until they aren’t a part of your life any more. Don’t always respond to their texts right away and busy your schedule so that you don’t have time to see them.
4
Confront the frenemy if you want to be direct. If you’re typically comfortable with facing problems head-on, talk to the frenemy outright instead of carrying this burden on your shoulders. Avoid acting vulnerable or distressed; simply stick to the facts and express how certain things that have happened make you feel. For example:^{[3]
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- "I felt really put down when you suggested my costume was too tight for me in front of our dance class. Did you really mean to be so unkind?"
- "It really hurt me yesterday when you said I was too ditzy and easily distracted to be a good speechwriter. I know you think you said it in a joking and funny way but the joke was made at my expense."
5
Expect your frenemy to be surprised or in denial if you confront them. Being forthright about your feelings is basically calling out the frenemy and forcing them to either own up to their unkindness or deny it.
- If they deny what you accuse them of or become angry and refuse to discuss it, they most likely will not stop their hurtful behavior.
- Remember that if they have an angry reaction, you’re no longer interested in a friendship with them anyway. At least the truth is out in the open and you can begin focusing on the more positive relationships in your life.
6
Grieve and then move forward. It’s okay to feel angry, sad, or miss your frenemy at first, but let those feelings pass so that you can move forward in a positive direction. This is a good time to analyze who you are and what kind of friend you’ve been. Brainstorm the qualities you want in your friendships, and work towards being that kind of friend yourself.^{[4]
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- No one is perfect, so you may act like a frenemy from time to time too. Be honest with yourself and make necessary changes to ensure that your relationships are healthy and strong.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Maintaining the Friendship

1
Set and maintain your boundaries. If you want a friendship to work out with this person, then you will need to identify what behaviors you will and will not tolerate. Then, make these boundaries known to the person. Make sure to be honest with yourself about what your boundaries are and be direct with the person when you communicate with them.^{[5]
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- For example, if you are not willing to tolerate mean comments from this person, then say something like, “If you make negative comments about my appearance, then I am going to leave and we can’t continue our conversation.”
- If the person violates the boundary, then make sure you follow through with your consequence. For example, if you have said you will leave if the person makes mean comments about your appearance, and they do so, then get up and leave!
- Make sure that the person knows that they have violated a boundary any time that they do so.
2
Don’t gossip about your frenemy. It’s best to keep the “enemy” part of your friendship to yourself. It can be really tempting to share all of your negative thoughts with friends, but you don’t want to sink to your frenemy’s level. If the goal is to keep things running smoothly, gossiping will ruin that by stirring things up.^{[6]
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- This will also keep your frenemy from getting between you and your true friends. By observing the frenemy’s trash talking as well as your lack of it, your true friends will see you more clearly as the trustworthy one.
3
Stay calm, cool, and collected. Do your best not to react emotionally when facing a frustrating challenge involving your frenemy. Your frenemy will most likely find satisfaction in getting a rise out of you, so it’s best to keep a cool head and act like nothing’s bothering you. Turning the other cheek will also make you appear more kind to you and your frenemy’s mutual friends.^{[7]
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4
Don’t let yourself be affected by their negativity. Counter the negative things that your frenemy says and does to keep problems from developing.
- If you know your frenemy always bails on the plans you make together, always have a back-up plan.
- If your frenemy has a passionate view of religion that you disagree with, consider steering clear of that subject while talking to them.^{[8]
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- If your frenemy always has to be right, ask them a question about something they said that you disagree with instead of challenging them.^{[9]
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5
Put yourself in your frenemy’s shoes. It might be easier to deal with your frenemy if you look at things from their perspective. If they find it so necessary to be nasty and mean to you, there’s probably a reason for it and it may have nothing to do with you. While this doesn’t justify their meanness, understanding where they’re coming from may help you take it with a grain of salt.^{[10]
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- Maybe your frenemy is having problems at home and doesn’t know how to handle their stress in a positive way.
- Your frenemy may act mean in an attempt to hide their own insecurities.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Identifying a Frenemy

1
Identify a frenemy by their destructive criticism. If a person expresses disagreement with or disapproval of you in a way that makes you feel shameful and guilty, or if they call you names or attack you in some other way, they’re likely being a destructively critical frenemy. When a true friend disagrees with you or your actions, they are instead constructively critical. This usually involves offering loving advice and help that doesn’t leave you feeling judged.^{[11]
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- Frenemies often mask their destructive criticism with humor.
- A frenemy may even have something negative or critical to say about your accomplishments and good fortune, or they might blame you for their own failures or misfortunes.
2
Recognize a frenemy by their lack of consideration. While a true friend always keeps your wants and needs in mind, a frenemy will rarely make an effort to make your life easier or better.
- For example, if you’ve been a vegetarian for years and the person invites you and others over for a meat-heavy dinner with no alternative options, then they’re likely being purposely inconsiderate.
3
Spot a frenemy by their immediate, persistent interest in you. While it may not seem like it on the surface, a person who gives you lots of attention, tells you their secrets, and asks you personal questions right away probably doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Recognize immediate obsession with you as a red flag.
- Frenemies try to get too close to you too soon because they want you to feel tied to them.
- They’re probably giving you attention because they want it back for themselves.
4
Recognize a frenemy by their backhanded compliments. Frenemies are often masters at the art of backhanded compliments, which are those compliments that sound okay at first but turn out to be offensive. If this sounds familiar, you might have a frenemy on your hands.
- For example, they may say something like: "I like it when you wash your hair; that's when it looks pretty." This is suggesting that you are ugly without your hair washed.
5
Reflect on how you feel after spending time with the person. When trying to figure out if someone is your frenemy, listen to your instincts. How does being with this person leave you feeling? Use your feelings to identify whether or not this is a healthy, positive, genuine relationship.^{[12]
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- If you feel uplifted in their presence, then they most likely aren’t a frenemy.
- If they typically leave you feeling drained, defensive, and unsupported, they might be a frenemy.