How to Connect with Your Partner on a Deeper Level

Co-authored by Zach Pontrello and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: March 12, 2023 References

When you're in the same routine, day after day, it's easy to fall into a rut. You may feel out of touch with exciting parts of life, like emotional intimacy with your partner. When it comes to the thrill of really connecting with the person you love, though, you'll find that digging deep in your relationship is actually way easier than it seems. Apply these relationship tips backed by science, and you two can enjoy intense, emotional moments on the regular. For a complete guide on how to connect with your partner on a deeper level, read on!

1

Ask your partner open-ended questions.

Initiate a thoughtful conversation to open the door to more intimacy. Brainstorm question ideas that'll really get your partner thinking. Throw out a question that forces them to dig deep—and can’t be answered by a simple “yes” or “no.” For example, ask about their values, their past, their beliefs, or their dreams.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Who was your childhood hero? Why do you think you admired them so much?
- What’s been the most exciting part of your day lately? Why?
- What goals do you have for our relationship?
- Ask a long list of questions one by one while you hold hands or cuddle on the couch.
- Asking is obviously not enough. You must truly listen to their answers and engage in the conversation.

2

Share your vulnerabilities.

Offer authenticity and honesty and you two will grow closer together. Share vulnerabilities by reflecting on how you feel, putting those feelings into words, and then finally, having the courage to share those feelings with your partner. For example, if something is bothering you, be upfront about it. If certain fears or feelings are affecting your relationship, be open with your partner.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- When you keep your walls up, it can create distance in your relationship.

3

Accept your partner’s honest thoughts and feelings.

To create a deeper relationship, meet vulnerability with empathy. If authenticity isn't met with understanding, sharing feelings may become scary for both of you—and that could drive a wedge into your relationship. When your partner shares, respond with kindness. If they say something that confuses or upsets you, take a deep breath. Think through your response, so you can meet them with kindness, not anger.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Imagine that your partner shares something upsetting. They might say: “I want to be honest with you. I feel like you don’t make time for me anymore.”
- Alarm bells may go off, and you may feel a little angry (I constantly make time for them!). Instead of snapping, calm down, take a breath, and reflect:
- "I've been trying to make time, but I've also been busy. Maybe that's why they're feeling alone, even though I am putting in a ton of effort."
- Now that you've reframed the situation, respond with kindness and open up a dialogue: "I'm sorry, I don't want you to feel that way. Let's talk about it."

4

Listen intently to your partner.

Make your partner feel heard, they'll feel closer to you. When your partner talks, keep your phone in your pocket and your eyes on them. Practice active listening in your relationship. Do your best not to interrupt them and show them you're listening through your body language. Nod your head, express your emotions well on your face, and make eye contact. ^{[4]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Ask thoughtful questions in response to your partner: “Wow, he said that? How were you feeling then?”
- When you (or your partner) open up only to feel like you're shouting into the void, you'll be less likely to share deeply in the future. This can easily create distance.
- Work on your listening skills if you need to. Techiques like reflective listening will let your partner to feel truly heard and listened to, and will be very helpful during an argument.

5

Show "emotional responsiveness" when you talk.

Prove you care about your partner's feelings to deepen your connection. In romantic relationships, good listening is huge. But if you react to your partner's emotions with helpful actions and words—that's even better. Pay attention when your partner is talking. Do they seem sad, tired, or angry? Take a moment to brainstorm ways you can support them. Then, put your ideas into action.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- Offer them an act of service: “You had to cover two extra briefs at work? Gosh, you must be tired. How about you go upstairs to rest and I’ll handle dinner?”
- Offer them empathy and an ear: “I’m so sorry that Nylah is in the hospital. That's awful. I feel terrible for you. Let me know whenever you need to talk, okay?"
- This applies to good things, too. Say your partner finally got your son to eat veggies: “You’re a superhero! I’m getting a treat to celebrate. What do you want?"

6

Carve out one-on-one time each week.

Intentionally dedicate time for intimacy to stay close.Plan a date night each week or choose a certain time of the day for you two to take a beat and just be together. If you're super busy, get creative! Even while you're at work, plan a Facetime lunch date a few days each week. ^{[6]
X
Research source}
- When plates continue to fill up and there's always a new issue to handle, it may feel too easy to let your relationship fall by the wayside.
- It’s okay to let things slide sometimes, but don’t treat intimacy like an afterthought. Staying connected takes work, and it’ll definitely benefit your relationship.

7

See the best in your partner.

Give each other the benefit of the doubt, and it'll bring you closer. This is someone you love, and in all likelihood, you think they're pretty great. Try to remind yourself of this regularly. When you can, reframe their behaviors in a positive direction. Offer patience and understanding when they make mistakes. Then, when they do something great, celebrate them with love!^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Say your partner forgets to take out the trash, even though you asked. You could think the worst ("They obviously don’t care about me"). Or, you could choose to see the best in them: "I know they struggle with this stuff, but they still love me!"
- Then, when your partner is sweet, thoughtful, or does something successfully, don’t let that slide. Take a moment to think about how much you care: "Wow. They never cease to amaze me. My partner is such an incredible person!"

8

Show appreciation every day.

Openly cherish your partner, and you’ll intensify your bond. When was the last time your partner did something super sweet—but you didn’t thank them out loud? Instead of keeping these thoughts close to the chest, share them freely. Compliment them on qualities you know they're proud of. When they do something kind, let them know how their actions improve your life. ^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Small romantic gestures can make a huge difference in a relationship! The key to success is to know what your partner actually sees as romantic.
- Write them a letter of thanks if you know they love words of affirmation: "Saw you did the dishes. Thanks, love. I appreciate it :)"
- If you have kids, involve them! Make your partner a nice breakfast, then have your little ones bring it to them in bed.
- When you show you’re grateful, your partner be more likely to return the favor. Then, you’ll have a relationship filled with joy, kindness, and a deep connection!

9

See challenges as hurdles—not dealbreakers.

Be flexible in your relationship to instill a deep sense of trust. A lot of successful, happy relationships have one thing in common: they're resilient in the face of change. If you can, be flexible on your relationship "dealbreakers." Then, try to reframe fights; remember that you two are on the same team, working together towards the same goal.^{[9]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Say your partner forgets your anniversary. Instead of jumping to a harsh conclusion ("I can't be with someone who'd forget that"), think it through.
- Can I fix this? Do I want to fix this? "I know they love me and struggle with this stuff. It's worth it to stick with this. I'll express my feelings, then try to forgive."
- This, no doubt, can be difficult to do. But trust that if you two can bring this flexibility to your relationship, you’ll both be rewarded with more intimacy.
- This advice does not extend to abusive relationships. You deserve to feel safe. If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, leave immediately and speak to a trusted resource.

10

Change up your routine.

Flip your relationship’s script to create new, emotional memories. You two have a solid routine; when you break out of this schedule, though, new experiences can bring deep feelings to the surface. Create unique moments between you two on the daily. Take trips, start classes, or shake up your everyday routines—when you mix things up, you create more room for intimacy. ^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Surprise your partner. Cook them their favorite meal, recite a silly poem for them, or offer to switch household chores for the day.
- Start new activities together regularly. Try book club, dancing classes, a language course, or join a couple’s improv group.
- Change up your scenery. Plan weekends away together, even if it’s just to your neighboring town. You could even surprise your partner!
- Can this be hard to pull off? Yes, especially if you’re raising a family. But trust that it’s worth it! If you put in work here, you two could seriously improve your bond.

11

Continue expressing yourselves physically.

Keep your spark burning bright with sex and new physical experiences. Do your best to make cuddles, kisses, sex, and experimentation a staple in your relationship. Be flexible about what exactly this means, too—intimacy doesn’t need to be centered around orgasms or wild, sexual experiences. Just focus on connecting physically in a mutually gratifying way. That’s what really counts!^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}
- Talk through your needs. How often do you want to get intimate? What do you two need to do to feel satisfied?
- Prioritize physical intimacy. Plan sexy date nights, try to connect regularly, and don’t always leave it to your partner to initiate things.
- Make one another’s dreams come true. Is your partner’s perfect night full of cuddling and back massages? Give them this experience!

12

Share the emotional responsibility.

Make intimacy a two-way street to stay close to your partner. Communicate to your partner that connecting emotionally is important to you. Then, remind them that if you can do this, it’ll make the relationship better for both of you. If you two want to create better intimacy but aren't sure how to work together to achieve that, talk to a professional.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- It’s so great that you’ve landed on this article and you’re looking to create a deeper connection in your partnership. You yourself have so much power to change your relationship for the better!
- At the same time though, you two should be sharing this load equally.
- For convenient professional help online, try out BetterHelp.

How Do We Connect With Others?

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I improve my connection with my partner?

Zach Pontrello
Relationship Coach
Zach Pontrello is an Embodied Leadership & Relationship Coach and the Founder of One Thought Growth & Sovereign Man Academy. His expertise lies in helping people build better relationships with themselves and with their partners, focusing on communication and honesty. Zach received his degree from John Carroll University.

Zach Pontrello

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Spend a little bit of time every day together, practicing engaged conversation. Do your best to be completely focused on each other, focused on just listening and being with each other, even if what you're hearing is maybe not everything that you want to hear, still be present with them.