How to Communicate for Better Intimacy

Last Updated: March 24, 2023 References

Communication is essential in all relationships, especially intimate ones. In an intimate relationship, it’s key to be able to express your needs and be able to listen to and comprehend your partner’s. Intimate partners must learn how to express themselves and give their partners the consideration and space to do the same. They are vulnerable with one another and willing to compromise when needed. Learn how to boost the intimacy in your relationship with communication.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Discussing Sex with Your Partner

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Have the difficult conversations. Many people in relationships spend a great deal of time hoping their partner can read minds. You may want your partner to touch you or treat you in a certain way, but you never speak up. However, talking about intimacy--regarding activities in the bedroom and not--is important for the health of your relationship. Pull your partner aside during a time when you won't be distracted. You may talk about:
- Whether the two of you are mutually exclusive or simply casually dating
- Your sexual and/or romantic relationship histories
- Your sexual and reproductive health
- What measures you are taking to practice safe sex (if relevant)
- What feels good to each of you
- Your thoughts, feelings, goals, and dreams
- Your sexual desires and fantasies
2
Communicate your personal boundaries and consider your partner's. As a person independent of your partner, you will have differences in what you are willing to do and what you are not in an intimate relationship. Recognizing your boundaries comes with knowing what you like and don't like as well as understanding your core values.
- Once you have gotten an understanding of what you desire in your relationship, both you and your partner will need to share your personal boundaries. Boundaries are not meant to separate you from your partner. Rather, they are necessary for you to keep your own individuality intact.
- You can set boundaries by saying something like "I have learned from past relationships what is most important to me. I expect for you to _______. I will also do my best to respect your boundaries." Your personal boundaries may include:
  - Giving your partner adequate space
  - Not getting jealous of your other relationships (e.g. friends, family, etc.)
  - Having separate hobbies and interest in addition to shared interests as a couple
  - Not engaging in sexual activities that you are not comfortable with
  - Living life according to your values
  - Not letting your partner dictate who you see, talk to, or spend time with
  - Making your own decisions, and not letting your partner make them for you
3
Give feedback as necessary. All relationships, and all people, are works in progress. It's significant to do regular wellness checks of your intimacy with your partner to identify and resolve problems before they grow. Regularly schedule in some time to talk with your partner about your intimacy. This is not something that can be discussed in one conversation, but should be addressed on a consistent basis throughout the partnership.^{[1]
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4
Don't be afraid to try new things. As long as your personal boundaries and limitations (as well as your partner's) are firmly in place, you should find excitement in taking your intimate relationship to new heights. This suggestion is not strictly for sex. Yes, it can be fulfilling to change things up in the bedroom, but there are many other ways to boost intimacy in your relationship by doing something new. Breaking out of a routine can actually keep your relationship healthy and alive.^{[2]
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- Trying new things can translate to taking a class together, pushing yourselves physically, learning a new language as a couple, or even just traveling to a new place.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Giving and Taking with Communication

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Eliminate your desire to be right. Before you even approach a conversation with your significant other, get it out of your head that either of you needs to leave the encounter victoriously. Your goal should not be to “win” as in a battle. Remember that the two of you are on the same side.
- A big part of being on the same side is recognizing your own drive to have the conversation. Are you driven to prove a point even if you hurt your partner or are you really trying to solve issues in a sincere manner?
- Go into any conversation as a partner and not a negotiator. In negotiation, you are looking out for yourself first and trying to get the most out of the situation. This is not the case when you share a goal with the partner.
2
Express your truth without blaming or attacking. Minimize blame by owning your feelings and using “I” statements. ”I” statements focus on your feelings in regards to very specific behaviors from your partner, it does not involve blaming your partner or saying that the behavior is wrong. It is about sharing your feelings and giving your partner guidance as to how to resolve the behavior that is bothering you.
- An example of an “I” statement might be: “I feel anxious when you come home hours after you usually come home from work without calling to tell me you are going to be late. I worry you are hurt. I will request that you try to be on time or call if you can’t be on time.”
3
Speak respectfully in a warm, friendly tone. The way you speak can be just as important as what you are saying. When communicating with someone you care about, you want to convey compassion in your tone. Beyond your tone, also be mindful of non-verbal cues that may send a mixed message. You do not want to show signs that you are not open to talking.^{[3]
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- Example of cues that may send the wrong message would be standing with your arms folded so you appear closed off, shouting or even a nervous laugh that may be interpreted as not being sincere.
4
Listen to your partner and strive to hear his or her message. Use active listening to hear the message without judgment. Active listening means you commit to listening and rephrasing what your partner is saying to confirm understanding instead of listening to prepare a rebuttal. Model active listening and ask your partner to also use it.
- Be open to hear intimate details from your partner that you may not feel great about. If he or she is truly honest there may be areas of concern that need to be expressed.
5
Learn the art of compromise. A big part of compromise is playing fair and not using bargaining chips that are not appropriate. For instance, withholding affection to punish your partner is not fair.
- Enter into the talk without hostility and without fear of losing because you will both "win" part of what you want. Compromising isn’t about surrendering. It is about meeting somewhere in the middle with a solution that does not ask either of you to compromise something you see as being a non-negotiable.
- Within the discussion, define what issues are non-negotiable for you. Also, be careful to define the areas that you are more flexible to bend a bit.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Being Vulnerable with Your Partner

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Talk about what you want without assuming what your partner wants. It’s disarming for many people to share their inner thoughts, dreams and desires. However, if you want to increase the intimacy factor in your relationship, this is mandatory.^{[4]
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- Own your dreams and leave them open for your partner to become a part of them if they are shared. If they are not shared dreams, explore how your partner can be supportive.
- There is no right or wrong way to share your desires as long as they are communicated respectfully. Be open to share them in a very honest way and to also hear the same from your partner.
2
Open up to your partner when you are hurt. Make regular communication a part of your life together. Share hurt feelings when they occur instead of bottling them up to explode later. Taking the time to share these feelings when they come up often allows your partner to clear up a misunderstanding or an honest mistake.^{[5]
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- There will be times that you feel hurt that your partner simply did not see the situation in the same way. If you point out the issue in the moment, you may be able to clear up those hurt feelings and move on more quickly.
3
Be willing to trust. It’s a leap of faith to trust someone else with the most intimate parts of your life, but this is one of the greater joys of sharing life with your partner. Make sure your partner gets the best of you and he or she isn’t feeling like you tell your secrets to someone else. It can be devastating, for example, for a spouse to hear from a neighbor that you have talked about hurt feelings over drinks with friends. You should always be the person sharing that information directly with your partner.^{[6]
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- Part of trusting is also being trustworthy. Hold what your spouse tells you as being sacred and keep some things between the two of you.
4
Touch often. This goes far beyond sex and includes everything from holding hands while having a hard discussion to enjoying time cuddling. Touch or the lack of should not be used as a weapon. Maintain the personal contact without your relationship. Make time to stay connected.
- Touch is one of the most basic ways humans communicate. Know that both you and your partner have this need—although perhaps not to the same extent—and see to it that you make touch a regular part of showing affection.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Improving Your Self-Image

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Learn how to accept criticism. Don’t take everything as a personal attack. Taking things too personal will close your thoughts from hearing genuine concern or areas of possible improvement from your partner. Maintain an open mind when hearing constructive criticism from your partner.
- Set time with your partner outside of an argument or heated moment to talk about possible growth. This will help to avoid things being said out of anger. You will also not be in a defensive mode and probably more open to really listen.
2
Don’t let your pride get in the way of your communication. Remember you are on the same side. If you communicate effectively, this isn’t a battle you can lose. Pride can keep you from admitting you were hurt or felt left out. Take a chance and be open about your feelings even if it shows a perceived weakness. ^{[7]
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- Ask for forgiveness when needed and be open to giving it as well. Admit you have made mistakes as everyone does. For example, you might say “I was very judgmental about your decision to help a friend. I let my personal feelings get in the way. I’m sorry for not being receptive.”
3
Overcome your insecurities and fears. Accepting your fears and areas that you feel insecure about goes a long way towards dealing with them in a timely manner. If you have insecurities that are lurking beneath the surface, they may emerge during tense discussions and get in the way of true compromise or resolutions.^{[8]
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- Set out to change your mindset and not be judgmental of yourself in the process. Trust that your partner is genuinely concerned about you and worthy of offering help.
- When you share your fears with your partner, listen and be open to the suggestions you get in return. Remember you are worthy of both the love and support your partner has offered to you.
4
Manage stress. Focus on the things you can control and let go of the things that are not under your control. Identify what causes you stress and find ways to address your internal concerns. Share your stressors with your partner.^{[9]
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- Find ways to incorporate daily stress-relievers so that you can fend off stress and prevent it from driving a distance between you and your partner.
5
Take good care of yourself. This includes the way you carry yourself, dress and even your hygiene. Making sure you put in the effort to get up every day and dress in clothes that make you feel good is a small step towards improving your self-image. Commit to putting effort into yourself.^{[10]
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- Self-image also includes setting aside time to do things that help you stay in good physical shape as well, like going to the gym or doing yoga. When you feel good about your body, those insecurities are not misdirected onto your partner.
- Maintain your physical health and regular checkups with your primary doctor to make sure you are staying healthy. If you feel counseling would be beneficial, connect with a mental health provider as well.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do when your partner can't be vulnerable?

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

Elvina Lui, MFT

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Talking to a therapist can help. If a partner really can't bring themselves to be vulnerable, it is possible that they have deeper issues around intimacy; perhaps they were hurt before and it is hard for them to be vulnerable. You can go to a therapist to specifically address and resolve this issue.