How to Cancel Plans with a Friend

Last Updated: September 5, 2022 References

Sometimes, plans change and you might find yourself having to cancel a plan with a friend. With a little planning and some careful wording, you can reschedule your plans with no hurt feelings!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Speaking With Your Friend

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Let them know immediately. Contact your friend as soon as you decide to cancel. The more notice you can provide them, the better. This will allow them more time to readjust their schedule. This is especially true for last-minute cancellations. Getting in touch with them as soon as you can is the best course of action.^{[1]
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- In some cases, it’s a good idea to give a friend a heads up even if there’s only a chance you’ll have to cancel. This will allow them to make a back-up plan if necessary.
2
Consider calling on the phone. Reaching out directly indicates that you don’t take cancelling lightly. Calling also makes it easier to gauge your friend’s emotions, which will help you determine how to respond. If they don’t answer, leave a message and follow up with a text or email.
- When cancelling plans well in advance, emailing or texting can be appropriate, especially in more professional contexts. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and use your best judgment when deciding how to contact them. Avoid texting simply because it’s easiest for you.^{[2]
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3
Apologize sincerely. Recognize that someone has made plans for you and you may be wasting their time.^{[3]
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Research source} Take a moment to consider how upset they’re likely to be based on the circumstances. Friends are likely to be more upset if they spent significant time or effort on these plans. It’s also easier to forgive a close friend than an acquaintance.
- If you think they may be very upset with you, make sure to acknowledge the impact of your actions and express remorse clearly. Apologizing repeatedly may sometimes be necessary, but the initial contact is often your best opportunity to apologize effectively. If you’re nervous, it can be helpful to plan an apology in advance.
- If it’s a less important activity, you should still apologize — but often something like a simple, “Sorry, can’t make it this time!” will suffice.
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Provide an excuse. You’ll want to mention why you have to cancel your plans. But avoid giving the impression that a new opportunity is more appealing than spending time with your friend.^{[4]
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Research source} Don’t try to come up with a long, contrived excuse. Friends can often tell when someone’s not being honest, so tell the truth whenever possible.
- If you feel the need to lie, try to make it realistic. Avoid getting other people caught up in your lie.^{[5]
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Empathize with their emotions. Discussing the other person’s feelings can resolve potential rifts in your relationship. Be ready and willing to hear them out. Make a sincere attempt to understand how you’ve made them feel.
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Avoid making the conversation all about you. When cancelling plans, many people tend to be overly self-deprecating, or go on about how busy they are. Try to avoid putting yourself at the center of the conversation. Remember that a good apology is about the other person.^{[6]
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Reimburse your friend for any costs they are incurring. If your friend has already spent money on your plans, it’s a nice gesture to pay for these expenses. They may be wasting a ticket to an event or have already bought supplies that they now don’t need. Offering to cover these costs will help make up for inconveniencing them.
- If you’re leaving your friend with extra tickets, you might offer to take on the burden of finding someone else to buy them.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Rescheduling Plans

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Offer to reschedule. Suggest a concrete plan at another time. Avoid putting the burden on your friend to find another way to meet. If appropriate, consider offering to do something nice, like buying them dinner.^{[7]
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Defer to their schedule. If they do have another plan or time for meeting in mind, be as accommodating as possible. Offering to make future plans at their convenience also makes for a nice gesture. Don’t hold it against them if they’re not immediately able to reschedule.
3
Avoid overbooking yourself. Don’t reschedule if there’s a chance you can’t make subsequent plans. If you’re having a busy week, suggest a future date that will definitely work for you.
- Relationships become strained when one party starts cancelling with regularity. Cancelling is more likely to be met with forgiveness if it’s only on rare occasions.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Not Making It a Habit

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Avoid making plans you won’t keep. Saying no to plans may seem unappealing, but it’s easier for everyone involved than a last-minute cancellation.^{[8]
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Research source} Try not to make plans you’re not genuinely excited about.
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Push through when you can. It’s OK to bail on plans when it’s absolutely necessary. But pushing through your exhaustion to make it to events can make a big difference in maintaining healthy relationships with your friends.^{[9]
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Reflect on why you cancelled. Frequently cancelling plans may indicate something else is going on. You might be overwhelmed with a busy schedule. Maybe you don’t truly want to hang out with these friends. Take a moment to reflect on if there is something you’re not admitting to yourself. Try to identify any underlying causes that may be present.^{[10]
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Research source} If repeatedly cancelling plans is having a significant detrimental effect on your life, consider speaking to a mental health professional.^{[11]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do I get out of last-minute plans?

Amber Rosenberg, PCC
Pacific Life Coach
Amber Rosenberg is a Professional Life Coach, Career Coach, and Executive Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. As the owner of Pacific Life Coach, she has 20+ years of coaching experience and a background in corporations, tech companies, and nonprofits. Amber trained with the Coaches Training Institute and is a member of the International Coaching Federation (ICF).

Amber Rosenberg, PCC

Pacific Life Coach

Expert Answer

Try the sandwich approach—start off with a positive, say what you want or need, and end with a positive. For instance, you might say, "I'm really looking forward to hang out with you, and at the same time, I can't make it. Can we please schedule another time to get together." Then, thank the person for understanding.
Question

How do you say no to plans when you don't want to say yes?

Amber Rosenberg, PCC
Pacific Life Coach
Amber Rosenberg is a Professional Life Coach, Career Coach, and Executive Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. As the owner of Pacific Life Coach, she has 20+ years of coaching experience and a background in corporations, tech companies, and nonprofits. Amber trained with the Coaches Training Institute and is a member of the International Coaching Federation (ICF).

Amber Rosenberg, PCC

Pacific Life Coach

Expert Answer

If you find yourself having a hard time saying no, it may be helpful to examine your personal boundaries and determine where they need strengthening. For example, ask yourself questions like, "How free do I feel to express myself?" and "How free do I feel to ask for what I want?" When you have strong boundaries, you're able to ask for what you want and need; say no without feeling guilty; and buffer yourself from other people's moods and what they say or do.
Question

What if my friend keeps cancelling plans? I am getting sick of it.

Community Answer

Honestly, she may be trying to end the friendship. Try talking to her and asking her what's going on. Don't pick a fight, just calmly tell her you've noticed she keeps canceling plans with you, and you're wondering if something is wrong or if she wants to end the friendship. At least you'll know what's going on.