11 Reasons Why Your Ex Might Want to Stay Friends

Discover why your ex wants a platonic relationship and how you can navigate this new dynamic

Co-authored by John Keegan and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: March 24, 2023 References

Reasons Your Ex Wants to Be Friends

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Considerations Before Starting a Friendship

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What to Do If Your Ex Wants to Be Friends

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Is it normal to be friends with your ex?

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Tips

No one likes going through a breakup. But when your ex reaches out after and asks if you can still be friends, you might find yourself questioning their motives a bit. Do they really want to strike up a platonic relationship, or are they after something else? The good thing is that you’re not alone: lots of people are wondering why an ex would ever want to be friends so badly. That’s why we’ve compiled everything you’ll need to decide whether or not to stay friends with your ex.

Things You Should Know

Your ex might want to be friends if they’re trying not to hurt your feelings or they want the breakup to be amicable.
They might also want to be friends if they want to get back together with you or hook up with you.
Before becoming friends with your ex, decide if they can respect your boundaries and remain friendly instead of romantic.
If you do decide to stay friends with an ex, set clear boundaries and maintain a platonic relationship with them.

Section 1 of 4:

Reasons Your Ex Wants to Be Friends

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They want your emotional support or advice. When you’re in a relationship with someone, you get to lean on them when you’re feeling down. If your ex still wants to be friends, they might realize all the positives that you brought to your life. They may still want a friendship so you can help support them, even if it’s not in a romantic way.^{[1]
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They miss your friendship. If you and your ex were friends before you dated, they might want to get back to that dynamic. Maybe you both realized that you’d be better off as friends, and a platonic relationship just makes sense.^{[2]
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3
They don’t want to hurt your feelings. Maybe your ex feels bad about your breakup, so they offer friendship as a way to bridge the gap. They might do this if they can tell you’re feeling really down about the end of the relationship.^{[3]
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They want to keep the peace between you two. If your ex wants an amicable breakup, they might have suggested a friendship just so things don’t get rocky. You can tell this is the case if your ex was the one to initiate the breakup—they probably just don’t want you to hate them.^{[4]
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They’re afraid of change. Breakups come with a lot of change, and losing you from their life might be one they just can’t handle. If your ex seems like they’re freaking out about all the adjustments they’re going to have to make, they might want to keep you in their life as a constant.^{[5]
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You two have mutual friends. Keeping the peace in a friend group is a big consideration for a lot of people. Maybe your ex knows they’re bound to see you at a gathering or a party in the future, so they want to be friends to avoid any awkwardness. Or, they might just want to keep your friend group together instead of forcing them to choose sides.^{[6]
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You two have shared responsibilities or logistics. Sometimes, staying friends is easier when you have children or shared assets together. If you and your ex already have to be in contact, then they might want to be friends just to keep things amicable.^{[7]
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They want to get back together with you. Yes, it’s true: there are some times when an ex remains friends because they’re secretly hoping you’ll take them back. If your ex realizes that they regret the breakup or they want to wait for you, then they might suggest a friendship just to stay in your life.^{[8]
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They want to be friends with benefits. Friends with benefits (FWB) often engage in sexual activity, but they don’t have a romantic relationship together (think “no strings attached”). If your ex was super happy with your sex life, they might be hoping that you two can just hook up.^{[9]
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- Starting a healthy FWB situation is possible, but it’s not usually a good idea to try it with an ex. Typically, one person will still have feelings but the other won’t, leading to a messy, hurtful situation.
10
They’re using you for attention. Unfortunately, your ex might have an ulterior motive for staying friends with you. If they broke up with you because they thought they’d be dating someone else very quickly, but that didn’t work out, they might want your attention again.^{[10]
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- In this scenario, it’s unlikely that your ex will try to get back together with you. Instead, they might keep you around as a friend for a little while, but they’ll likely ignore you once they get into a new relationship.
11
They want to keep control over you. If your ex has narcissistic tendencies, they may be trying to uphold an unhealthy relationship dynamic. If you feel like your ex only cares about themselves, then this is a likely scenario.^{[11]
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- You can tell you’re dating a narcissist if they are condescending toward you or constantly play the victim.

Section 2 of 4:

Considerations Before Starting a Friendship

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Are you over the breakup? Getting over a breakup can be tough, and it doesn’t always happen instantly. If you’re still reeling from your breakup and you’re not quite ready to see your ex again, that’s totally fine. Give yourself time to move on before you decide to start a friendship with your ex.^{[12]
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- Experts recommend taking a digital detox from your ex, at least for the first few days. Unfollow them on social media, block their number, and spend some time healing before you get back into communication with them.
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Are you okay seeing your ex date other people? When you’re friends with someone, you get to hear about their new relationships and dating life. If you stay friends with your ex, you risk hearing about their new boo before you’re ready.^{[13]
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Research source} If you think that the news of your ex dating again would hurt your feelings, then it may be best to postpone the friendship, at least for now.
- The same goes for the other way around: how do you think your ex would feel if you started dating someone new? If you know it would hurt their feelings, then it’s better to give them some space.
3
Is your ex reaching out for a good reason? If your ex wants to be friends for their own benefit, it might not be in your best interest to keep a relationship with them. Think about why your ex wants to be friends, and try to decide if they have your best interests at heart as well as their own.^{[14]
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- For instance, if your ex wants to maintain control over you or they just want to hook up with you, then you probably don’t want to be friends with them.
- If, however, they genuinely enjoy your company and miss your friendship, you could try being friends.
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Do you and your ex have mutual friends? It’s a good idea to at least be amicable with your ex if you know you’re going to see them around. You definitely don’t have to be BFFs, but it’s worth maintaining a cordial friendship if your ex runs in the same social circle as you.^{[15]
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Section 3 of 4:

What to Do If Your Ex Wants to Be Friends

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Set clear boundaries if you want to be friends. Being friends with an ex can work, as long as you’re both on the same page. Sit down with your ex and tell them that nothing romantic can happen, and if it does, the friendship is not going to work.
- If you’re already dating someone new, be sure to talk to them before starting a friendship with your ex. Sometimes your new partner may not be comfortable with that, and it’s something you may have to talk over with them.
- If your ex ever crosses your boundaries, blocking them might be your best option.
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Take time away from your ex if you don’t want to be friends with them. If you’ve decided that a platonic relationship with your ex isn’t right for you, that’s totally fine.^{[16]
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Research source} Unfollow your ex on social media and don’t respond to their messages. You can let them know that you don’t want to be friends, or you can simply cut off contact with them (they’ll get the message).
- If you would like to give your ex an explanation, say something like, “Thanks for reaching out, but I’m just not ready to be friends yet. I need to take some time for myself.”

Section 4 of 4:

Is it normal to be friends with your ex?

Yes, it’s normal if you want to be friends with your ex. While not all exes become friends, a lot of people don’t want to lose their ex from their life completely. If you and your ex can have a healthy platonic relationship after your romantic one has ended, then it’s perfectly fine to stay friends.^{[17]
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- Keep in mind that keeping your ex in your life could make it harder to move on, especially if the breakup was messy. However, you’re the best judge of the situation.